Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Nonameanymore on October 27, 2009, 02:47:42 PM
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Do you find that because of your not so pleasant experiences, you jump to conclusions about people and situations?
I have had a rougher than usual time the last two years and now that people have started to open up again I am not that easy to accept that someone can be genuinely nice.
Does anyone find that they get overly suspicious and expect people to treat them badly?
This is really a new for me because I am a recovering codependent which meant (for me) that I trusted everybody and realise that I have stayed too long at the opposite end.
I may have destroyed a couple of relationships because of very strong boundaries as well.
P
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Hi P,
I feel like I'm reading posts that could have been written by me tonight! I go through phases - I have a bad experience and take a long time to get over and get back in to the game - with men or friendships for example. Then I tell myself I'm too suspicious, I must trust people, not trusting anyone only makes me lonely etc. So I take a risk - and the same thing happens again.
I've got two guys wanting to date me at the moment - I should be happy and be getting ready for some fun and nice nights out - but instead I just find mysef wondering how long it will be before one of them lies, cheats on me, dumps me or does something equally hurtful and I will be trying to nurse my ridiculously run down ego back to some form of functioning health.
I also have strong boundaries - someone can do one thing - like not phone the day they say they will - and I take it as a massive slight and feel I'm not really 'friends' with that person any more. It's ridiculous - none of my friends are like that. I also used to be in co-dependent relationships, now I just don't seem to have them at all.
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I love you guys, P and Twoapenny
It feels like I am having a sleep over with two friends just discussing life and our craziness! :lol: xxxoo Ami
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Ami luv you too! (a la Jerry Maguire style, with arm gesture and everything! - just kidding)
TaP, may I also say that your post could have been written by me as well!
Sometimes, guarding oneself does help, but how is one to know when???!!!!
Ironically whenever I do take a risk, it pays off (eventually).
We say in Greece that whoever burned themselves drinking hot milk, they end up blowing the steam of a yoghurt as well (hope this makes sense in English!)
P.
TaP enjoy the guy attention! You deserve it!
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I do jump to conclusions, but really try to control it, as this is one of my NMs habits.
I try to think of as many possibilities as I can in as logical way as possible. This usually helps.
My mother actually prides herself on being illogical.
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I have dealt with an inner pressure to make decisions quickly that I know stems from my N mom's need for everything to happen at warp speed. Those resulted in attracting some people who treated me badly. I think it happened mostly because I was too ready to meet their IMMEDIATE needs. I am suspicious, not only of someones motives and intentions, but what they don't know about themselves or have never given a thought to.
Emotions take time, especially the new ones many of us are slowing down to really feel for the first time. When I think back over the time I spent waiting and hope for an N trait person to call or the months second guessing emotionally unavailable people, I have to think that anyone worthy of knowing me intimately can at least accept my need to slow down so I can get to know them. I think good people are flattered when you show a prolonged interest in knowing who they are.
The longer they hang around, the more they know me and hopefully the more good things they see that are worth staying for. Even if I am not ready to throw the bedroom door open to them, they should be at least dreaming of how good things could be when I am emotionally read for a stronger commitment. It wouldn't hurt for them to dream up a few ways to make me feel loved and secure either. I'm ready to be the one worth waiting for.
If has been my experience that most people who want things done immediately just want sex, a rebound relationship, or they want something from me that isn't really about me at all. If someone is really hooked on you, getting rid of them is usually the problem. If they aren't, the sun sets every every 24 hours , allowing anyone who doesn't want to know the real me to make a dramatic exit!
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Thanks for a new mantra :lol: if I start dating again, Sealynx:
...the sun sets every every 24 hours, allowing anyone who doesn't want to know the real me to make a dramatic exit!
love,
Hops
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I have dealt with an inner pressure to make decisions quickly that I know stems from my N mom's need for everything to happen at warp speed. Those resulted in attracting some people who treated me badly. I think it happened mostly because I was too ready to meet their IMMEDIATE needs. I am suspicious, not only of someones motives and intentions, but what they don't know about themselves or have never given a thought to.
Emotions take time, especially the new ones many of us are slowing down to really feel for the first time. When I think back over the time I spent waiting and hope for an N trait person to call or the months second guessing emotionally unavailable people, I have to think that anyone worthy of knowing me intimately can at least accept my need to slow down so I can get to know them. I think good people are flattered when you show a prolonged interest in knowing who they are.
The longer they hang around, the more they know me and hopefully the more good things they see that are worth staying for. Even if I am not ready to throw the bedroom door open to them, they should be at least dreaming of how good things could be when I am emotionally read for a stronger commitment. It wouldn't hurt for them to dream up a few ways to make me feel loved and secure either. I'm ready to be the one worth waiting for.
If has been my experience that most people who want things done immediately just want sex, a rebound relationship, or they want something from me that isn't really about me at all. If someone is really hooked on you, getting rid of them is usually the problem. If they aren't, the sun sets every every 24 hours , allowing anyone who doesn't want to know the real me to make a dramatic exit!
Wow, Sealynx. You have just shined a light on exactly what my problem with relationships is. The men I go out with are very bad for me. At the start they are lovely - sweet, affectionate, complimentary, can't wait to see me, miss me when they're not with me, they phone a lot, they want to see me all the time, they tell me how they've told all their friends they've met the most amazing woman etc etc etc. At some point - it can be weeks or months down the line - they simply disappear. If I'm lucky I'll get a 'I just want to be friends' text, but most of the time I just don't hear from them again and if I ring them they won't answer the phone.
I stopped dating for a long time and have got involved with three different men in the last two years and what you have described is exactly what I've experienced - they all want to rush it along at break neck speed, I put aside what I want (partly because I have no idea what it is) and I end up with no confidence, no self esteem and wondering what I did wrong this time. Your post feels like someone's shined a huge light onto what's going on and I can see it for what it is now.
I mentioned before that there are two guys chasing me for dates at the minute. One is very persistent, phoning often, chatting on-line in the evening, wanting to know when will we meet, when will we meet, when will we meet? He is a guy I've been out with before and he disappeared from my life for no apparent reason. I bumped into him again recently and this has started up now - now he's decided he wants to be back in my life I'm supposed to welcome him back with open arms. You know what? I did - I've taken his calls, I've talked to him on-line, I've let him just bluster past me doing exactly what he wants and I haven't given any thought to how much he hurt me before and the fact that he's never apologised or tried to explain why he did that. You know what else? After I read your post I emailed him and told him not to call me again.
Thank you so much Sealynx for what you wrote. You have openend my eyes to where I go wrong in relationships - it's all about them, not me. I can see it so clearly now and suddenly everything seems so much easier. Could we get a miniature version of you that I could carry in my handbag at all times? :)
Hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))) I may go on a date with the other guy. I've felt he's not too keen because he doesn't pester me endlessly, but perhaps that is more normal? Maybe it's time to meet for a coffee and find out.
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LOL Thanks Hops and Twoapenny,
Two I'll have to lose a bit of weight before I have that purse sized me cast to carry around. Everyone would think you are worshiping the Venus of Willendrof! That guy sounds like the "Devil you Know". Some men have a very short attention span that is directly related to an erection. He sounds like he comes on like viagra and then peters out!
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S, I think you've summed him up to a t! I really want to get to know someone properly and understand them, and for that to be reciprocated. These guys are a bit like roller coaster rides - all bells and flashing lights but it's over pretty quick and you're just left feeling sick and dizzy. I'm determined to squeeze you into my handbag somehow, though! Hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))
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Yes but guys, what do you do when a guy is genuinely nice but although your self-worth is/feels (sometimes and sort of ) solid (in other areas) and because of your upbringing you were told that nobody would want to be with you and they will cheat on you etc (long live NM) then with the first nothing, all your insecurities come to the fore and you keep destroying relationship, after relationship, after relationship?
I am going through this scenario right now, I am really scared because I have worked so much, SO MUCH on myself and yet, I act like a little girl, I pout and complain and do not have the patience like a normal human being to see things through the normal way and let things unfold at a normal pace?
Just a thought, I am really angry at myself right now.
P.
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P--
1) Great compassion for yourself.
2) And a really really healthy slowness in the relationship pace (a la A Fine Romance, by Dr. Judith Sills).
No other pace will do for you.
(Repeat #1.)
love to you, and faith,
Hops
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Thanks Hops. It's irrelevant to the post but I have so much to be grateful right now and it took coming out of hell to get here and I get these opportunities and I don't know how to deal with them. Maybe I am tired because I am working 12 hours (just for a few days for a congress we have at work) and do my freelance stuff on top, and moving houses back finally since I am living out of a suitcase for almost 6 months and I met this great guy and it's romantic, and fun and then the scared little girl appears and I don't know what she wants, she is like a detached part of me that maybe I need to nurture but in a more 'mature' way, yes, compassion for myself, but I just returned home after 12 hours of work with 4 hours sleep last night, and I can't stop crying. And I can't blame NM for ever for what she did to me, but I can't help thinking that I am doing the best I can with the set of faulty tools I was given. I am doing really hard work, I am being hard on me, hard on others and the real reason is because I don't think I deserve these wonderful things that are happening for almost the first time.
Only you guys on this board can understand. I think this is the time to apply 'I ask God to restore me to sanity because I am powerless over what happened to me in the past' but I am fully responsible for what mess I create in my life from now on.
Thanks for letting me ramble
P.
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Persephone,
To me one of the major issues invovled in healing is reclaiming the power of discrimination. It could be that you tossed aside some good people, but it could also be that your intuition was right on target and they never admitted you were right. Sharing your lack of trust and need for reassurance is the only way I can think of to work toward a trusting relationship. When someone tells me they aren't trusting because of previous hurts, I take that to mean that a relationship with them will take time and that I may need to explain myself more often than I might like. What I do nextt boils down to how important the person is to me.
Sometimes I might back away but not usually all the way back. I will give an untrusting person space. I will decide it may take them a year or more to feel comfortable around me. I can sense their need to cut themselves off and let them come and go. If I can do that, other people must have this talent as well.
Our N mother's made us feel all powerful and fully in charge of every encounter. Everything we did had monumental consequences to which our N's responded in the extreme. We aren't and they don't. The other person doesn't have to run just because we fired a proverbial "shot". They have intuition and compassion as well. If they don't....there is always that sunset just waiting for them!!
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Sealynx, you are this wise owl and I stand before you in awe...
P.
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Thanks Hops. It's irrelevant to the post but I have so much to be grateful right now and it took coming out of hell to get here and I get these opportunities and I don't know how to deal with them. Maybe I am tired because I am working 12 hours (just for a few days for a congress we have at work) and do my freelance stuff on top, and moving houses back finally since I am living out of a suitcase for almost 6 months and I met this great guy and it's romantic, and fun and then the scared little girl appears and I don't know what she wants, she is like a detached part of me that maybe I need to nurture but in a more 'mature' way, yes, compassion for myself, but I just returned home after 12 hours of work with 4 hours sleep last night, and I can't stop crying. And I can't blame NM for ever for what she did to me, but I can't help thinking that I am doing the best I can with the set of faulty tools I was given. I am doing really hard work, I am being hard on me, hard on others and the real reason is because I don't think I deserve these wonderful things that are happening for almost the first time.
Only you guys on this board can understand. I think this is the time to apply 'I ask God to restore me to sanity because I am powerless over what happened to me in the past' but I am fully responsible for what mess I create in my life from now on.
Thanks for letting me ramble
P.
Dear ((((P)))
I am sorry I have not seen you struggling ,P.I missed this part of the thread.I have had so many friends say 'GET over your Mother already. It is YOUR life.".It never helped, never, ever, ever.
It made me worse cuz on top of my being stuck in my feelings about my M and being stuck in the damage, I, then, had guilt that I was not over it.
Intimacy is terrifying when you have had Mothers like ours. . Intimacy can really hurt. It brings up the feelings we had from our M's. It is scary, scary, scary.
What you are feeling with the man is natural given your background.All humans fear intimacy but we have a much,much worse fear of it cuz of our rejection by our M's.
There are no easy fixes . I just want you to know that you are not alone . Your feelings are from how your M stole every bit of you that she could(your sense of self) and left you defenseless in the world with a set of coping skills that would make you road kill.
Keep sharing. Keep talking. xxxoo Ami
PS For me, healing comes as I am "seen" in a genuine way for who I am.When someone sees me, I can see myself. Our Mother's never gave us the ability to see ourselves(mirroring). We get spooked in situations cuz we don't have enough of a genuine self to feel we can handle life's situations such as intimacy.
Sharing on the Board, your true heart, is a form of being seen,IME.
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Thanks Ami. Yes I am really struggling. I know it's all about self-acceptance, but I really don't want to have this bit around.
Will write more later as I am at work.
P xxx
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I think that I had to reject my VERY ,primal self in order to live. I think I threw it away so I could retain my sanity with my Mother.It was a body wisdom decision, not a conscious one.
When I am feeling emotionally intimate, AWFUL feelings come over me. They are deep worthlessness, like I am so,so, so bad that I have to hide, armor up , stay in a tight ball so no one sees me and I don't see myself.
Yesterday, I looked , for the first time, at what I was feeling when I felt close to s/one.
It really , really hurt.
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Falling in love for me is falling apart. I think they mean the exact same thing to me. For long periods I avoid entering relationships because I am all or nothing. I have tried to work on this in Coda and I got better in other types of relationships but not intimate ones. Being in a relationship for me is like going to the dentist: you know it will hurt no matter what.
I realise that there has to be a balance - that my partner will have negative traits as well, but insecurity is a biggie. I have had to deal with people who were as insecure and it was bit of a nightmare for me (when I finally found myself at the receiving end).
I am thinking over and over and over that sooner or later they will leave me. This is completely stupid. I have to get over this.
P.
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Falling in love for me is falling apart. I think they mean the exact same thing to me. For long periods I avoid entering relationships because I am all or nothing. I have tried to work on this in Coda and I got better in other types of relationships but not intimate ones. Being in a relationship for me is like going to the dentist: you know it will hurt no matter what.
I realise that there has to be a balance - that my partner will have negative traits as well, but insecurity is a biggie. I have had to deal with people who were as insecure and it was bit of a nightmare for me (when I finally found myself at the receiving end).
I am thinking over and over and over that sooner or later they will leave me. This is completely stupid. I have to get over this.
P.
I am gonna "prescribe" something for you. You can reject it, entirely, of course. First and number one step---Accept all your feelings as they are---right now. Resist the urge to push yourself to be different or "better" or more or anything.
Right now, accept and feel ALL you are feeling.
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Hi Persephone,
Hopefully it is good "awe" and not the "awe" we grew up with. :lol: Think about it....we grew up constantly being terror-filled by someone who really didn't exist. Our N's literally weren't there as people. They exist only as punishing machines. Is it any wonder we feel the need to provide both sides of a relationship??
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Our N's literally weren't there as people. They exist only as punishing machines. Is it any wonder we feel the need to provide both sides of a relationship??
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What a powerful statement, Sealynx. You have a way of putting things very succinctly and clearly! Ami
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Hi guys,
Thanks so much to everyone for their useful shares here. I am checking in quickly because I am working 12 hours/weekends and was assigned a big freelance project on Friday.
Will come back to the board after Wednesday.
Happy November to everyone!
P xxx
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Hi Persephone,
now that people have started to open up again I am not that easy to accept that someone can be genuinely nice.
It's a generality I know, but I've heard it said that codependents do all the right things for all the wrong reasons. The more I'm recovered/healed the more my concern that I accept others just as they are and think more on how genuinely nice I am to them. I used to be filled with a terrible people fear. Always defensively backing away, running out of raw fear. I was so like the character Much Afraid in Hannah Hurnard's classic allegory, Hinds Feet on High Places. It took those seven years of hell to get me there, but I'm not afraid anymore I think...I also think I will never feel like I've mastered any of this recovery/healing/living the Golden Rule stuff.
tt
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Hi all,
I am checking in again as some of the stress is now gone and didn't want to hog the board with a separate post.
I am well and have survived the fatigue of what was going on but I am moving to a beautiful flat on Friday and will get some nice extra cash for all the overtime, plus I was given a new freelance project (that I have mentioned before) and look forward to digging in. I am a little stressed with the expenses of the new flat and my current salary but when this project will fall through, it may give me peace of mind for a few months.
Thanks so much for your support and sorry to be writing this in casual tone - I just felt like writing to my friends and tell them what's going on!
I am of course still struggling with the new relationship and my issues but I am trying to deal with them as they come (not easy!).
I won't have internet for a couple of weeks in the new place but since things have calmed down at work, I will hopefully be able to contribute to some of the posts from work.
P. xxxx
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Hi Persephone,
A beautiful flat sounds good!
I wish you well with the move and joy in the space.
Keep some space emotionally, too. Boundaries are good.
Fear of intimacy is understandable...so natural.
The reality is: You don't have to give away your personal power to take care of yourself.
I think it might help you to review the boundaries/assertiveness/rights kinds of things.
Somebody--TT?--just reposted that recently here.
They really help with that fear.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks for letting us know what is happening ((((P)))). You sound really good. Come back for a little TLC or Atta boy when you need to . Look forward to hearing from you more when you get your internet connection! xxoo Ami
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Dear all in this thread (Ami, Tap, Sealynx, binks, hops, tt, cb123 - sorry if I am forgetting one, I just woke up),
Thanks so much for all the helpful insight. Sealynx I have been meaning to write it's the good awe of course!
Have a lovely day you guys
P xxx