I have dealt with an inner pressure to make decisions quickly that I know stems from my N mom's need for everything to happen at warp speed. Those resulted in attracting some people who treated me badly. I think it happened mostly because I was too ready to meet their IMMEDIATE needs. I am suspicious, not only of someones motives and intentions, but what they don't know about themselves or have never given a thought to.
Emotions take time, especially the new ones many of us are slowing down to really feel for the first time. When I think back over the time I spent waiting and hope for an N trait person to call or the months second guessing emotionally unavailable people, I have to think that anyone worthy of knowing me intimately can at least accept my need to slow down so I can get to know them. I think good people are flattered when you show a prolonged interest in knowing who they are.
The longer they hang around, the more they know me and hopefully the more good things they see that are worth staying for. Even if I am not ready to throw the bedroom door open to them, they should be at least dreaming of how good things could be when I am emotionally read for a stronger commitment. It wouldn't hurt for them to dream up a few ways to make me feel loved and secure either. I'm ready to be the one worth waiting for.
If has been my experience that most people who want things done immediately just want sex, a rebound relationship, or they want something from me that isn't really about me at all. If someone is really hooked on you, getting rid of them is usually the problem. If they aren't, the sun sets every every 24 hours , allowing anyone who doesn't want to know the real me to make a dramatic exit!
Wow, Sealynx. You have just shined a light on exactly what my problem with relationships is. The men I go out with are very bad for me. At the start they are lovely - sweet, affectionate, complimentary, can't wait to see me, miss me when they're not with me, they phone a lot, they want to see me all the time, they tell me how they've told all their friends they've met the most amazing woman etc etc etc. At some point - it can be weeks or months down the line - they simply disappear. If I'm lucky I'll get a 'I just want to be friends' text, but most of the time I just don't hear from them again and if I ring them they won't answer the phone.
I stopped dating for a long time and have got involved with three different men in the last two years and what you have described is exactly what I've experienced - they all want to rush it along at break neck speed, I put aside what I want (partly because I have no idea what it is) and I end up with no confidence, no self esteem and wondering what I did wrong this time. Your post feels like someone's shined a huge light onto what's going on and I can see it for what it is now.
I mentioned before that there are two guys chasing me for dates at the minute. One is very persistent, phoning often, chatting on-line in the evening, wanting to know when will we meet, when will we meet, when will we meet? He is a guy I've been out with before and he disappeared from my life for no apparent reason. I bumped into him again recently and this has started up now - now he's decided he wants to be back in my life I'm supposed to welcome him back with open arms. You know what? I did - I've taken his calls, I've talked to him on-line, I've let him just bluster past me doing exactly what he wants and I haven't given any thought to how much he hurt me before and the fact that he's never apologised or tried to explain why he did that. You know what else? After I read your post I emailed him and told him not to call me again.
Thank you so much Sealynx for what you wrote. You have openend my eyes to where I go wrong in relationships - it's all about them, not me. I can see it so clearly now and suddenly everything seems so much easier. Could we get a miniature version of you that I could carry in my handbag at all times?
Hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))) I may go on a date with the other guy. I've felt he's not too keen because he doesn't pester me endlessly, but perhaps that is more normal? Maybe it's time to meet for a coffee and find out.
