Jumping to conclusions

[Ami]

Thanks Hops. It's irrelevant to the post but I have so much to be grateful right now and it took coming out of hell to get here and I get these opportunities and I don't know how to deal with them. Maybe I am tired because I am working 12 hours (just for a few days for a congress we have at work) and do my freelance stuff on top, and moving houses back finally since I am living out of a suitcase for almost 6 months and I met this great guy and it's romantic, and fun and then the scared little girl appears and I don't know what she wants, she is like a detached part of me that maybe I need to nurture but in a more 'mature' way, yes, compassion for myself, but I just returned home after 12 hours of work with 4 hours sleep last night, and I can't stop crying. And I can't blame NM for ever for what she did to me, but I can't help thinking that I am doing the best I can with the set of faulty tools I was given. I am doing really hard work, I am being hard on me, hard on others and the real reason is because I don't think I deserve these wonderful things that are happening for almost the first time.

Only you guys on this board can understand. I think this is the time to apply 'I ask God to restore me to sanity because I am powerless over what happened to me in the past' but I am fully responsible for what mess I create in my life from now on.

Thanks for letting me ramble


P.

Dear ((((P)))
I am sorry I have not seen you struggling ,P.I missed this part of the thread.I have had so many friends say 'GET over your Mother already. It is YOUR life.".It never helped, never, ever, ever.
It made me worse cuz on top of my being stuck in my feelings about my M and being stuck in the damage, I, then, had guilt that I was not over it.
  Intimacy is terrifying when you have had Mothers like ours. . Intimacy can really hurt. It brings up the feelings we had from our M's. It is scary, scary, scary.
 What you are feeling with the man is natural given your background.All humans fear intimacy but we have a much,much worse fear of it cuz of our rejection by our M's.
 There are no easy fixes . I just want you to know that you are not alone . Your feelings are from how your M stole every bit of you that she could(your sense of self) and left you defenseless in the world with a set of coping skills that would make you road kill.
 Keep sharing. Keep talking.                                xxxoo  Ami

PS  For me, healing comes as I am "seen" in a genuine way for who I am.When someone sees me, I can see myself. Our Mother's never gave us the ability to see ourselves(mirroring). We get spooked in situations cuz we don't have enough of a genuine self to feel we can handle life's situations such as intimacy.
 Sharing on the Board, your true heart, is a form of being seen,IME.

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Ami. Yes I am really struggling. I know it's all about self-acceptance, but I really don't want to have this bit around.
Will write more later as I am at work.

P xxx

[Ami]

I think that I had to reject my VERY ,primal self in order to live. I think I threw it away so I could retain my sanity with my Mother.It was a body wisdom decision, not a conscious one.
 When I am feeling emotionally intimate, AWFUL feelings come over me.  They are  deep worthlessness, like I am so,so, so bad that I have to hide,  armor up , stay in a tight ball so no one sees me and I don't see myself.
 Yesterday, I looked , for the first time, at what I was feeling when I felt close to s/one.
  It really , really hurt.

[Nonameanymore]

Falling in love for me is falling apart. I think they mean the exact same thing to me. For long periods I avoid entering relationships because I am all or nothing. I have tried to work on this in Coda and I got better in other types of relationships but not intimate ones. Being in a relationship for me is like going to the dentist: you know it will hurt no matter what.
I realise that there has to be a balance - that my partner will have negative traits as well, but insecurity is a biggie. I have had to deal with people who were as insecure and it was bit of a nightmare for me (when I finally found myself at the receiving end).
I am thinking over and over and over that sooner or later they will leave me. This is completely stupid. I have to get over this.

P.

[Ami]

Falling in love for me is falling apart. I think they mean the exact same thing to me. For long periods I avoid entering relationships because I am all or nothing. I have tried to work on this in Coda and I got better in other types of relationships but not intimate ones. Being in a relationship for me is like going to the dentist: you know it will hurt no matter what.
I realise that there has to be a balance - that my partner will have negative traits as well, but insecurity is a biggie. I have had to deal with people who were as insecure and it was bit of a nightmare for me (when I finally found myself at the receiving end).
I am thinking over and over and over that sooner or later they will leave me. This is completely stupid. I have to get over this.

P.

I am gonna "prescribe" something for you. You can reject it, entirely, of course. First and number one step---Accept all your feelings as they are---right now. Resist the urge to push yourself to be different or "better" or more or anything.
Right now, accept and feel ALL you are feeling.                                                         

[Sealynx]

Hi Persephone,
Hopefully it is good "awe" and not the "awe" we grew up with.  Think about it....we grew up constantly being terror-filled by someone who really didn't exist. Our N's literally weren't there as people. They exist only as punishing machines. Is it any wonder we feel the need to provide both sides of a relationship??

[Ami]

Our N's literally weren't there as people. They exist only as punishing machines. Is it any wonder we feel the need to provide both sides of a relationship??

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]


What a powerful statement, Sealynx. You have a way of putting things very succinctly and clearly!                  Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Hi guys,
Thanks so much to everyone for their useful shares here. I am checking in quickly because I am working 12 hours/weekends and was assigned a big freelance project on Friday.
Will come back to the board after Wednesday.
Happy November to everyone!
P xxx

[teartracks]

Hi Persephone,

now that people have started to open up again I am not that easy to accept that someone can be genuinely nice.

It's a generality I know, but I've heard it said that codependents do all the right things for all the wrong reasons.  The more I'm recovered/healed the more my concern that I accept others just as they are and think more on how genuinely nice I am to them.  I used to be filled with a terrible people fear. Always defensively backing away, running out of raw fear.  I was so like the character Much Afraid in Hannah Hurnard's classic allegory, Hinds Feet on High Places.  It took those seven years of hell to get me there, but I'm not afraid anymore I think...I also think I will never feel like I've mastered any of this recovery/healing/living the Golden Rule stuff.

tt

[Nonameanymore]

Hi all,

I am checking in again as some of the stress is now gone and didn't want to hog the board with a separate post.
I am well and have survived the fatigue of what was going on but I am moving to a beautiful flat on Friday and will get some nice extra cash for all the overtime, plus I was given a new freelance project (that I have mentioned before) and look forward to digging in. I am a little stressed with the expenses of the new flat and my current salary but when this project will fall through, it may give me peace of mind for a few months.

Thanks so much for your support and sorry to be writing this in casual tone - I just felt like writing to my friends and tell them what's going on!

I am of course still struggling with the new relationship and my issues but I am trying to deal with them as they come (not easy!).

I won't have internet for a couple of weeks in the new place but since things have calmed down at work, I will hopefully be able to contribute to some of the posts from work.


P. xxxx

[Hopalong]

Hi Persephone,

A beautiful flat sounds good!
I wish you well with the move and joy in the space.

Keep some space emotionally, too. Boundaries are good.
Fear of intimacy is understandable...so natural.

The reality is: You don't have to give away your personal power to take care of yourself.

I think it might help you to review the boundaries/assertiveness/rights kinds of things.
Somebody--TT?--just reposted that recently here.

They really help with that fear.

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Thanks for letting us know what is happening ((((P)))). You sound really good. Come back for a little TLC or Atta boy when you need to . Look forward to hearing from you more  when you get your internet connection!            xxoo Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Dear all in this thread (Ami, Tap, Sealynx, binks, hops, tt, cb123 - sorry if I am forgetting one, I just woke up),
Thanks so much for all the helpful insight. Sealynx I have been meaning to write it's the good awe of course!

Have a lovely day you guys

P xxx