I know you've been thru hell.
Dear Lise
I was telling someone ,today, how badly I feel about myself. I felt that I did not deserve to eat, breathe or live. When your mother molests you or abandons you --you go to a dark place so you can survive.
We went there(((Lise)))). I love you!!! Ami
I think you have to be SEEN as Dr G's essays say. Someone has to see you and go with you to the dark place and only then can you rise above.
Then,you WILL b/c you CAN----not cuz s/one beats you over the head with how slowly you are getting over it! XXXOOO Ami
Love to you, too (((Ann)))
The other day I had a memory, while talking with my adoptive father, about the time when I was abandoned at 4. It was partly through that year, perhaps springtime, when there was a wedding which my real biological father showed up for. I was staying with my biological fathers family, his brother, my uncle.
After the ceremony, while at the reception, running around playing as kids do, someone pointed out to me that my real father was there. I became entranced with the idea of getting his love, curiosity overwhelmed me, as well as fear. I started to play under the tables, slowly working my way over to him, at some point I finally got up the courage to go up to him which seemed to come from feelings of desolation and despair of an overwhelming hunger for family affection and love, an overwhelming desire to see if my dad cared about me and my pain. I approached him but all I recall is him shooing me away. That is the only memory I have of my biological father in childhood.
The pain I have been feeling today is still the belittlement but also the deep feelings of being insignificant, worthless, and my pain nothing, not important to anyone. I recall feeling a sinking feeling of shame after my father shooed me away as if I was just an annoyance to him, reconfirming ever so deeply what was permeating my belief system that I was unimportant and insignificant, that I was a "bad" little girl, not worthy of love.
It just hurts, it just hurts. I forgive him, but I am still that little girl, at times, who just hurts in her pain of feeling all was her fault.
Lise,
Forgive me for forgetting, but is your biological father still alive?
How I wish you could tell him that memory, with steady eyes, and let let the reality of it sit in the space between you (as opposed to you holding it alone). If he lives, he needs the opportunity to help you hold that memory. Give it to him.
And if he's gone, well, you know a lot about doing those releasing kinds of exercises even in your imagination.
I'm so sorry.
love,
Hops
I know that he has agonized over the pain, I know this.
a little tiny girl takes a hugely brave risk out of love and vulnerability and is callously or carelessly rejected