Belittlement

[Gabben]

be·lit·tled, be·lit·tling, be·lit·tles

To represent or speak of as contemptibly small or unimportant; disparage: a person who belittled our efforts to do the job right.

To cause to seem less than another or little: The size of the office tower belittles the surrounding buildings. See Synonyms at decry.

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When I was 4 my mom left my sister and I, for a year, in the care of an aunt and uncle that I had never met before. The aunt was a young mother of 4 small children, taking myself and sister in as well.

The trauma of being abandoned has been up for me many times throughout my life either when dating or a relationship fails or by simply other rejections in life that trigger the old memories. I spent 40K on therapy to uncover and unravel the pain, before I even knew what the pain was about.

Working through the old pain, the Original Pain, really healed me back into loving and living again, at least as much as a person with such hardwired fears, memory or loss could live and love.

Lately, I have been feeling the crushing blows of belittlement. That feeling that as a small child, when moving through the pain, the hurts, the feelings of outrage at the betrayal, NO one cared, my feelings and experience of painful reality was insignificant, unimportant.

As I said above, belittlement feels like a crushing blow in your heart, as if someone you care about, really care about, is stepping on you, rubbing their foot all around your face and squishing you out of importance.

Once, when in the pain of belittlement I wrote a poem.

This morning I went down stairs into the kitchen to see that my roommate had left her crusty cereal bowls in the sink, knowing that she knows that I can't stand dishes left in the sink--I am clean, don't like clutter, need order. However, I understand that sometimes we are just too tired to deal with our dishes and I myself left a few dishes in the sink the other night, something I rarely do. I wanted to send her an email saying "can you please work harder to not leave dishes in the sink," as I was feeling the sinking feelings of belittlement, that my wants, needs and ways are insignificant, less that what others could care about.

Of course I will not say anything to her, as I have tried to learn over the years that when I am in memories to not trust my responses to current life as the pain tends to color my world.

Gabben

[Gabben]

Sitting at my desk at home, trying to master the agony of belittlement, the feelings of being nothing, squished into submission, all of my emotions to conform to mom, to be little, to not take away anything from the bigness of Nmom or any N.

The pain is just like knife stab, you want to pull the knife out but can't. I think to myself, go run, get a pack of smokes, get out for a walk, listen to classical music, write about it, take the stab for just another minute then get going, take a shower. Etc. It seems that just sitting with the stabbing pain is too much, but that is what I am doing, just being and allowing the pain to be in me as what was, as well as acknowledging the times in life where I may have wanted others to be small so that I could be big.

Mastering the pain of belittlement sounds like an oxymoron

[Gabben]

I keep saying just take one more minute, one more, push on with the pain. Yet I recall when I first had to uncover abandonment pain/trauma, it was as if I wanted it to go away right away, exactly as a child feels, unable to see that pain can stay in us and with us for a very long time. That this pain of belittlement is not just going to pass in a moment, tomorrow or by any outside fix. It is, it just is, until it is no more. I have to move through this pain without reaching for stuff outside myself as very little as possible, or not at all, if that could even happen, a miracle of grace or strength.

Writing about the pain, I put up a N counselor's name on my computer's marquee with the statement of her being a sociopath, to amuse myself, that helped for a while but then the meanness of my spirit came to my heart, actually before I even did it, and I felt ugly bad for wanting to expose and show the world just how mean and cruel some people can be.

Ugh!!!

[Gabben]

My mother humiliated me and defiled me. The memories of her humiliation are the worst. I am recalling having my mom talk to others about me, even when I was standing right there with them, as if she would talk to others about me like I had no mind of my own, no feelings etc.. Then she would look at me to see how embarassed I was, standing there flushing red and looking embarassed as she would laugh and say "Oh now I have embarassed her."

[Ami]

Dear Lise
 I was telling someone ,today, how badly I feel about myself. I felt that I did not deserve to eat, breathe  or live. When your mother molests you or abandons you  --you go to a dark place so you can survive.
 We went there(((Lise)))). I love you!!!    Ami

[ann3]

Hey Gabben,

I agree 100% with you.  The belittling is soul murder.  A few days ago, I finally acknowledged my denial about how bad it was.  It was bad.  It feels like after I acknowledged the fact how bad it was, I felt FREE.  And I celebrated the fact that I'm still here, still alive & that I'm still alive because Gd loves me.  It all felt kinda mystical, like the door of parental abuse closed & the door of me & my life opened.

I know you've been thru hell.  What I want to say to you is that, one day, you may feel that you can acknowledge all the bad crap & literally put it behind you & feel new loving doors open.   It's not my intention to rush you thru your process.  I think each of us takes as long as we need to process this stuff.  I just want to let you know that one day, you may feel FREE of all the crap & you can put ALL this bad stuff behind you & then you may feel a new door open, beckoning you to life & freedom.

wishing you the best,
ann

[ann3]

Hi Ami,

I think of you & send you good vibrations.

xoxo,
ann

[Gabben]

I know you've been thru hell.  

Hi Ann3,

You know that just something as simple as your words above were huge in validating of my pain and trauma, which is so needed for us to be able to let go and move on from a life of trauma. We really need validation for all that was not and unvalidated that hurt us, wrecked us into being wrecks, but not forever as your post gave me hope.

After I just forced, really forced myself this AM to not run from the pain like by buying a pack of cancer sticks, self-defilment devices, I started to get the new perspective of ideas, view on reality, like you said above a new open door or window into life.

That fresh perspective is everything, even if the old one comes back, the ugly of the stabbing pain of belittlement and squish of oppression, at least I have recorded a new image in my mind that will counter and help give me strength through my old pains.

The way out is through...

[Gabben]

Dear Lise
 I was telling someone ,today, how badly I feel about myself. I felt that I did not deserve to eat, breathe  or live. When your mother molests you or abandons you  --you go to a dark place so you can survive.
 We went there(((Lise)))). I love you!!!    Ami

I'm coming out of the dark place today, out of my favorite spot to be safe and put away from the world. It feels healing even if I feel a little down about not getting jobs and not having any money being on unemployment.

I put up a new line on my computer screen saver marquee:

Mathew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples:

"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me."I spent some time really thinking about what it means to follow Christ, or come after Him....

[ann3]

Gabben,

I validate you 10000000000000%.  Your NM did bad things to you, that is a FACT.  Yes, I KNOW our wonderful parents never validated us .  We suffer the consequences of their actions.  Feel your feelings, work it thru, but, just know that, one day...........you may feel lighter, you may feel FREE,  like you're "done" with all of the bad crap and you may see a new happier life for you.

For me, I'm guessing that when I finally accepted how bad my childhood was, that's when I felt the door open.  Maybe by fully accepting it, I opened a door & felt lighter & freer.  I don't know.  But, for me, perhaps the lack of 3rd party validation was equivalent to my denial.  Like, if no one validates, we're suspended in a state of 2nd guessing denial, looking for a witness.  So, let the board be your witness:  Yes, you went thru hell.  You were treated very, very badly & that's a FACT.  

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

I think you have to be SEEN as Dr G's essays say. Someone has to see  you and go with you to the dark place and only then can you rise above.
 Then,you WILL  b/c you CAN----not cuz s/one beats you over  the head with how slowly you are getting over it!       XXXOOO   Ami


Love to you, too (((Ann)))

[Gabben]

I think you have to be SEEN as Dr G's essays say. Someone has to see  you and go with you to the dark place and only then can you rise above.
 Then,you WILL  b/c you CAN----not cuz s/one beats you over  the head with how slowly you are getting over it!       XXXOOO   Ami


Love to you, too (((Ann)))

Ami-- the being seen is part of the first step of the process, after we first, perhaps, see ourselves. I dunno.

One of my 3 roommates just moved out, she was only here for a couple of months, she sort of ran away from me because I was too much glaring truth for her. It was not obvious to me, when she first moved in, what exactly her story was, I just felt her manipulations and wounds. I saw her fear and control but I could only barely put my finger on exactly what her core issues were, until the other day, her last day here as she was cleaning.

She came into the kitchen to tell me about how she had to cancel on spending time with a little old Russian woman who is a neighbor, someone who she met during the 2 months living her, apparently befriending her as a sort of helper. As she was telling me this information, I was wondering what she was needing from me, wondering, "why is she telling me this?" Of course I intuitively knew, she was seeking some form of validation to overcome her belief system which I cannot know, but I am guessing that she too grew up believing that she was bad.

As she was talking to me she was looking away from me, as if I am not worthy of eye contact, something I would catch her doing quite a bit.  Just as she finished telling me the story of herself, boasting in a most sly way about her helpful spirit and giving nature towards an older woman, (who I know that she is exploiting and really does not care about), she LOOKED at me with such a hunger in her eyes, it was as if she was seeking to be SEEN, to have me affirm what was never affirmed for herself, that she was GOOD, that she was OK.

She first needs to SEE herself first, to LOOK inward to see what she believes about herself but does not want to face, what she is covering over in her deceit and constant self seeking behavior. Then hopefully she will expose that part of self to another or to herself, to "be seen."  Integration of the disowned, it is about having others see not just our good but having others see our bad or at least what we think it bad or wrong and not run from us in terror but rather understand us better, along side of us as we understand ourselves better.

I prayed for my roommate this AM, I know her little inner child is wounded and just reaching out to me.

In her I saw my old manipulative self, from 20 years ago, that voracious desire to be seen as good and special, to be LOVED, so much so that we prostitute our own minds.

[swimmer]

This post is great!  Last week I could not understand why somehow I did not feel like I deserved to be alive, and why was I born anyways???  I would dig myself out of it, feel okay.... Then feel this AGAIN.  This undeserving feeling would come after being belittled.  I think I'm really sensitive to belittlement, I can smell it hundreds of miles away.

Thx for this post!!

Swimmer

[Gabben]

The other day I had a memory, while talking with my adoptive father, about the time when I was abandoned at 4. It was partly through that year, perhaps springtime, when there was a wedding which my real biological father showed up for. I was staying with my biological fathers family, his brother, my uncle.

After the ceremony, while at the reception, running around playing as kids do, someone pointed out to me that my real father was there. I became entranced with the idea of getting his love, curiosity overwhelmed me, as well as fear. I started to play under the tables, slowly working my way over to him, at some point I finally got up the courage to go up to him which seemed to come from feelings of desolation and despair of an overwhelming hunger for family affection and love, an overwhelming desire to see if my dad cared about me and my pain. I approached him but all I recall is him shooing me away. That is the only memory I have of my biological father in childhood.

The pain I have been feeling today is still the belittlement but also the deep feelings of being insignificant, worthless, and my pain nothing, not important to anyone. I recall feeling a sinking feeling of shame after my father shooed me away as if I was just an annoyance to him, reconfirming ever so deeply what was permeating my belief system that I was unimportant and insignificant, that I was a "bad" little girl, not worthy of love.

It just hurts, it just hurts. I forgive him, but I am still that little girl, at times, who just hurts in her pain of feeling all was her fault.

[Ami]

The other day I had a memory, while talking with my adoptive father, about the time when I was abandoned at 4. It was partly through that year, perhaps springtime, when there was a wedding which my real biological father showed up for. I was staying with my biological fathers family, his brother, my uncle.

After the ceremony, while at the reception, running around playing as kids do, someone pointed out to me that my real father was there. I became entranced with the idea of getting his love, curiosity overwhelmed me, as well as fear. I started to play under the tables, slowly working my way over to him, at some point I finally got up the courage to go up to him which seemed to come from feelings of desolation and despair of an overwhelming hunger for family affection and love, an overwhelming desire to see if my dad cared about me and my pain. I approached him but all I recall is him shooing me away. That is the only memory I have of my biological father in childhood.

The pain I have been feeling today is still the belittlement but also the deep feelings of being insignificant, worthless, and my pain nothing, not important to anyone. I recall feeling a sinking feeling of shame after my father shooed me away as if I was just an annoyance to him, reconfirming ever so deeply what was permeating my belief system that I was unimportant and insignificant, that I was a "bad" little girl, not worthy of love.

It just hurts, it just hurts. I forgive him, but I am still that little girl, at times, who just hurts in her pain of feeling all was her fault.

I UNDERSTAND, totally (((Lise)))    x o x o  Ami