Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on December 27, 2010, 10:28:11 AM
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I need him so much, he just e-mailed me, he is just asking me to pick me up for tomorrows dance. As if nothing has happened. He said that if he does not hear from me he will understand that I do not want to go.
I need to answer him. I need to punish him. He made me suffer so much. It has been a horrible week.
Oh god, help me get away. Help me walk away, I need him so much and I love him so much!!!!
Friends, tell me something, my heart is broken.
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OK.....
here's what I have to tell you.
Doing the same thing over and over,
and expecting a different outcome,
will make you crazy.
I suppose you could change your expectations of the man, and outcome, you could have some sort of relationship that didn't keep tearing you apart like this.
OK, here's another saying that might help: We are where we want to be.
Does that have any meaning for you, Lupe?
How about this saying? When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of going, then we leave.
(((Lupita))) I'm so sorry you're struggling right now, but I see these days as your journey..... all learning experiences for you.
Not just one painful event, after another.
This is your journey, and you have to decide what you're going to learn, and change, along the way.
You have choices, my dear.
Lighter
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Dear Lupita,
You are allowing him to put yourself through HELL!
He is playing with you as a cat plays with a mouse. A cat will chase it and bat it, spend hours reaching under a chair for itmaybe let up at bit as the mouse crouches in fear under the chair and dares to not come out, then the cat is back to harass it, scratch it, wound it, maybe let up a bit again, then go back at it, as the mouse becomes weaker and weaker and the cat could care less as the poor little mouse just gives up and dies.
...then the cat eats the mouse!
...and finds another one to harass!
He is not worth the anguish you are experiencing.
IF you answer him, make it "F*** OFF< LOSER!"
Best wishes, lupe
Love
izzy
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Lupita,
Tell your self the story of what will happen tomorrow night:
Tell yourself that he will pick you up and he will be so appealing and you will be so happy to be with him.
Then you will be dancing and he will do all the things that he has done in the past that make you crazy--leave you on the dance floor to show someone else how to dance. Flirt with someone right in front of you. Leave you sitting at the table while he dances with someone who appears to be laughing at your discomfort.
Picture yourself kicking yourself for falling for it again. Picture yourself wishing you could go back and say "no" when he called. Picture yourself wishing you could go back....
Oh! You are back! You arent there yet. You havent said yes. You can let this be the second chance that you will wish for tomorrow night.
Love
CB
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I need him so much, he just e-mailed me, he is just asking me to pick me up for tomorrows dance. As if nothing has happened. He said that if he does not hear from me he will understand that I do not want to go.
I need to answer him. I need to punish him. He made me suffer so much. It has been a horrible week.
Oh god, help me get away. Help me walk away, I need him so much and I love him so much!!!!
Friends, tell me something, my heart is broken.
NO. You don't need him if being with him makes you miserable - like you said (and not being with him also makes you miserable - like you've also said).
You don't need to punish him, either. You may WANT to a whole lot - but all that does is keep the back & forth going.... back & forth.
He left you alone - that doesn't compute in my way of thinking as "making you suffer". You did that all by yourself. As the Buddha pointed out: desire is the cause of all suffering. You want what you can't have - to make him different. He is what he is and you either accept him that way... or you move on.
And how is it possible you "need" him - now - when just a few weeks ago you'd had enough of him for a lifetime??? And never wanted to see him again???? In my experience, when I start telling myself I "need" someone - it's just a way to BS myself into being dependent on someone for meeting a "need" that I should be fulfilling on my own. And it's never a good idea to 100% dependent on any one other person for how we feel about ourselves - ever. But maybe you meant you "want" him, instead? And want him to be different?
But what I think doesn't count Lupita. None of us here knows "what you should do" either. Personally, I'd feel responsible (and bad; guilty) if I gave you any more advice in this situation and you acted on it and it turned out badly for you.
It's your life - it's you and a decision to make about M - and only you can make it. You pays your nickel and you takes your chances.... no matter WHAT you decide there is no "right" or "wrong" about it.... only what you WANT.
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Hi Lupita
Here is a very good video on psychopathy.
Listen closely and watch the faces of people you know (of) 'pop up' at the appropriate times. See if you are surprised at those considered to be a psychopath. I was not, and one Canadian is on the video..."the long-haired blond girl with 'dead' eyes"... Karla Homalka. She is out of prison now and loose under a different name.
....but look at the Politicians. They have not only ruined lives, they have ruined Countries!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgGyvxqYSbE&feature=player_embedded#! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgGyvxqYSbE&feature=player_embedded#!)
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HE wants attention. Ignoring him is the best punishment you can give him.
On a practical note, set you e-mail filter to automatically trash any of his messages that come in, before you even see them. Gmail has a feature that will do this for you, and I know many other e-mail services do, too. It will help you to not even know when he sends you something, then you will have nothing to react to. l
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Yes to blocking email.
You are not a fish.
I think you do have the strength.
It's addiction and dependency, not love. I think you know this....
Love Lupita. Love Lupita.
Do what is best for her in the LONG term.
xo
Hops
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Well, he acted as if nothing happened, he sent me a text message that said he wanted to take me to the dance as his only dance partner.
I answered him.
I said:
Thank you for the offer but I need to be able to leave or stay at my convenience and not depending on somebody else. I will drive my self.
That was my asnwer.
He replied: OK
Just as if nothing happened. I need to be strong. I need to be strong. I need to be strong. I need to be strong.
Went to T today and she said until when am I going to continue this.
I did not know what to answer her. I said I need him. She said many things. It was hard to understand. My soul was somewhere else.
The rare thing is that when I saw M’s e-mail I started crying with so much pain. Instead of feeling released because he finally wrote me, I felt so painful, as if something was stabbing me on my chest.
Despite that he wrote me I felt abandoned. I felt so bad. I cried.
My brain tells me I need to walk away. My heart tells me I love him. T tells me how can you love somebody who treats you like c*it?
I said, it is like having my mother with me. I don’t want to lose my mother.
She said, why do you want to have your mother when you are after 50 years old?
I said, I cannot afford to come here every week, I need a group with people that I cann see and talk all the time.
She promised to find a group for me.
I found a group but the T in charge wants to interview me first before she can decide if I can fit her group.
The interview is today at 4 pm. I will leave my apartment in 15 minutes to go there.
God help me. God make me strong.
I need to be strong.
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Thank you to those who responded. Iz story of the mouse is horrific. I feel like a mouse with him. I think he was tortured by his parents the same way and that is why he does it to me. It is so sad.
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Just as if nothing happened.
This is how abusers are. They rip your heart out, even physically harm you, and two hours later they will act as though nothing ever happened. Perhaps, in the abuser's mind, nothing DID happen. After all, it's typical behavior for them. You're the one with the problem, not him.
You said that you need him. You DON'T. You need a loving and supportive person by your side, not someone who repeatedly hurts you. The longer you stay with him, the worse it will get. I sense that you may have some self esteem issues (as most of us who are victims do). Please don't sell yourself short. There are plenty of really good men out there who would love to be with you. Life is short. You deserve happiness. Please keep your options open.
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The thing is, Lupe.......
at this point, knowing what you know about M......
you're not a victim if you go back.....
you're a volunteer.
Believe me, if you stay strong, you'll have a much better time when you see him around.
He'll probably court you like you're brand new, go out of his way to draw you back.
Wouldn't it be nice to let him do that, and NOT go back?
Wouldn't it be nice if you began seeing a very nice man, who treated you well, and M had that smack him in the back of the head, when he thought he was still drawing you back in?
That could be your life, Lupita.
The choices are yours.
What happened at the Group T Interview?
Lighter
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She did not let me join today. She said she needs to let them know that they will have somebody else new and will join next week. She wants 125 a month for one session a week.
She insisted that I have sessions alone and she will charge 40 every other week.
It will be a huge effort on my part. But I am willing to try.
If that helps me not to go back to M.
I hope I do not melt in his arms tomorrow. I will dance with other people. I will, I will be strong.
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I am sorry to ask this this, Lupita, but is this because the two of you have had sex and now you think this is FOREVER?
Respectfully
Izzy
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IZ, I will not answer that. It is out of place. Sorry.
Lastnight, for the first time in several weeks, I was laughing, by my self, home alone, just watching a comedy on TV. I was watching how I met your mother and two and a hakf man. But the one about how I met your mother, they trcking eachother, she wanted to have a girl and he wanted to have a boy and both were doing witch craft to get their desires true. It was hilarious. I did not laugh in a long time. I was relaxed. I did not have fear.
Today I just wook up and wook up with out fear.
I do not understand how this happen. I nee so much to grow up. I need not to feel unprotected, or that I have to have somebody to rpotect me. i can protect my self.
I just have to be normal. I need to be strong tonight. No option.
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IZ, I will not answer that. It is out of place. Sorry.
Lastnight, for the first time in several weeks, I was laughing, by my self, home alone, just watching a comedy on TV. I was watching how I met your mother and two and a hakf man. But the one about how I met your mother, they trcking eachother, she wanted to have a girl and he wanted to have a boy and both were doing witch craft to get their desires true. It was hilarious. I did not laugh in a long time. I was relaxed. I did not have fear.
Today I just wook up and wook up with out fear.
I do not understand how this happen. I nee so much to grow up. I need not to feel unprotected, or that I have to have somebody to rpotect me. i can protect my self.
I just have to be normal. I need to be strong tonight. No option.
Morning, Lupita.
Like you, I decided to watch some funny stuff on TV to help myself laugh. In my situation, I discovered a cartoon channel, (not cable), that has programs that are educational, uplifting, and laugh-out-loud funny! It's been a long time since I've been able to even giggle at a cartoon. I'm still beating myself up about needing to grow up and realize that I'm continuing the emotional and psychological abuse that was rained down on me while growing up. We weren't allowed to be children while we were physically children because the NWomb-Donors and NSpem-Donors relentlessly demanded that we be THEIR OBJECTS tor their every whim and abuse. Attempting to be human children were mercilessly punished on a continual basis. Even though we are physically adults, we still need to nurture and heal that Inner Child that is in us all. That Inner Child is still hurting.
Bones
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I am very happy to hear that you've found a support group, Lupita!
Beginning with solo T sessions will help you unravel why this situation with M feels very like your Nmom... help you see where the connections are... and help you understand how you mind is "tricking" you into wanting to be back in the same old misery of the relationship with M again. It can be really complicated... because it's so hard to see ourselves, sometimes. The feelings are all upside down and inside out... don't make sense. That's not a matter of good-bad; child or grownup... it's just something we can't do all by ourselves. Just like there's this one section of my back I can't reach, that gets itchy...
Later, the support group will let you make some new friends - people like us who can "go there" on topics like this with you. And you won't feel so alone anymore because maybe one or two will become very close friends, that you can rely on and share things like this with. People who will care about you - and that you'll care about - in a healthy way. That you can actually go do things with; spend time with... unlike us cyberscribes! :D
And in the meantime, don't - as lighter so accurately said - volunteer to be M's victim... it'll just make things even more confusing for you. Sure, you'll see him at dances - why should you give up something you love to do so much, just because he's there? - but you also don't have to play his games anymore - to feel like a "whole" Lupita. You're going to figure out what's going on with Lupita... and why... and start to heal that so that you'll be able to see this relationship - the relationship itself, I mean - for what it is.
Good luck, sweetie! I know you'll be able to sort this out now - once and for all time.
(((((((((Lupita))))))))))
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Lupita,
I know that Izzy's question annoyed you (and she did pose it rather bluntly), but I wonder if you might not think through what she is asking?
There are even physical reasons (hormonal releases) that will cause us to bond to someone we have slept with. The feel-good hormones that come from the connection can be very addicting....and can skew ones perception of what is going on. I look at it as a BLESSING when you are in a committed relationship--it has a smoothing-over action to the daily irritations that come with living with someone everyday. Personally, I think it was DESIGNED to serve that function.
When you are in a relationship that is not going well....or that is too new for that level of physical involvement, I think it can cloud ones perception of what is really going on. It can blur boundaries in a relationship that needs them retained for a while longer.
Dont answer the question on line. Dont answer it for anyone but yourself. But I think its important to sit down with yourself and ask yourself: if someone that you had never been intimate with were treating you the way this guy is treating you, would you stick around and try to make it work out?
Would you feel the almost irresistible pull to go back with him if your total experience with him was dancing? Imagine that all you have done together is dance, go out to eat, go to the movies. And during those times, he treated you exactly as he does now. No intimacy. Would you feel confused? Would you feel pulled two directions? Or would it be very clear about where the relationship is?
Would you have the expectations of him (about his kids, his ex wife, his behavior on the dance floor) that you do, if you had not been intimate? In your mind, does the act of intimacy include a level of commitment that he is now not living up to? Do you think that he knows that you expect that level of commitment? Could intimacy mean something else to him than it means to you?
Perhaps you two keep hitting the same wall because you want different things--and you are assuming that the intimacy means you want the same thing. So it feels like he is betraying you over and over, when he is actually not saying the same thing you are when you are physically intimate.
So.....see if any of this gives you more insight into the dynamics of what is going on. Sex is very very powerful and can have a lot to do with the sense of powerlessness that you feel now.
CB
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Hey Lup,
So you loved him? I loved my ex-h for a long time (even after I was not with him). Alright there were many (nuts things about him) for sure (he was crazy) but there were many thing's (loveable) about him.
Um yeah that sounds crazy (I know) but every now and then you would and could....Enjoy him....Just not be in a relationship with him. And how did I learn that (being in one) that was way different then when I had met him.
You just don't stop loving. You did/do love him. That's alright, Lup. You can but you are not his doormat. He can not welcome you in and show you the door and welcome you in and show you the door.....You can and must stop this (even loving him).
It takes time to heal. Your heart is broken. You are disappointed and heart sick. And there is no time clock of.....End it Now.
Sure you know you should and are not ready to do it, yet. I think you are heading there (carefully) thinking out everything. I don't see you making any excuses for his behavior nor do I see you allowing this to go on for much longer.
But I do see you......you are covering all end, putting them together and that takes time. You want to complete it..well thought out..and very clear about it.
You are strong.
What you write is of (strength). Your thinking! Your doing the puzzle.
Ah Lup ...that is what I hated to do the most.......but we do.
Then we get the whole picture (of ourselves) what we are made of, what we have been through, why we went through it, where we may be mixing up (our own issues) trying to resolve them with some one else.....and then.......we do the talk to self, the examination, what's really wrong with this picture and find a (whole lot of pcs) that we took into the (new puzzle we are to solve) the relationship...that we might have been attracted to (of something we missed in childhood) what made me stay when I knew I should have run. What do I have to really resolve and with whom.
I found it was me.
And you found it is you.....
Our past experience trying to have someone (fix it for us) and ran right to the one's who couldn't.
Only we could.
It is up to us....
And look at you go....
Don't put a time on it.....Look how far you have come. Look at the puzzle you are solving (you). I'm just watching you put it together.
Cut your self a break.
You come a long way.
Love
Deb
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Lupita,
I know that Izzy's question annoyed you (and she did pose it rather bluntly), but I wonder if you might not think through what she is asking?
There are even physical reasons (hormonal releases) that will cause us to bond to someone we have slept with. The feel-good hormones that come from the connection can be very addicting....and can skew ones perception of what is going on. I look at it as a BLESSING when you are in a committed relationship--it has a smoothing-over action to the daily irritations that come with living with someone everyday. Personally, I think it was DESIGNED to serve that function.
When you are in a relationship that is not going well....or that is too new for that level of physical involvement, I think it can cloud ones perception of what is really going on. It can blur boundaries in a relationship that needs them retained for a while longer.
Dont answer the question on line. Dont answer it for anyone but yourself. But I think its important to sit down with yourself and ask yourself: if someone that you had never been intimate with were treating you the way this guy is treating you, would you stick around and try to make it work out?
Would you feel the almost irresistible pull to go back with him if your total experience with him was dancing? Imagine that all you have done together is dance, go out to eat, go to the movies. And during those times, he treated you exactly as he does now. No intimacy. Would you feel confused? Would you feel pulled two directions? Or would it be very clear about where the relationship is?
Would you have the expectations of him (about his kids, his ex wife, his behavior on the dance floor) that you do, if you had not been intimate? In your mind, does the act of intimacy include a level of commitment that he is now not living up to? Do you think that he knows that you expect that level of commitment? Could intimacy mean something else to him than it means to you?
Perhaps you two keep hitting the same wall because you want different things--and you are assuming that the intimacy means you want the same thing. So it feels like he is betraying you over and over, when he is actually not saying the same thing you are when you are physically intimate.
So.....see if any of this gives you more insight into the dynamics of what is going on. Sex is very very powerful and can have a lot to do with the sense of powerlessness that you feel now.
CB
Very true, CB. I think people underestimate how powerful that bonding hormone is.
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((Lupita))
I was so happy to read you're feeling strong, and able to protect yourself.
It's true, you know.
What a wonderful post to read: )_
Lighter
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CB, although I do not like your post, I appreciate your time and your intention. Lighter, Thank you.
Deb, your post was totally uplifting for me. Thank you.
Last night was a sad and painful night. He arrived at the dance with his brother and his sister in law. He had a team with him. I was alone. That has happened all the time. Many women wanted to dance with him. I had to work hard on getting somebody to dance with me. Still, I danced with five different gentlemen. He and his team sat with me.
Like Deb says, it takes time. I am decided, I made up my mind that I do not want to continue with him but ti takes time. I told him that I will dance with him but I am not his girlfriend anymore. Still we danced most of the time but he danced with others and I did too.
He wanted to give me a gift and I said shove it up your a**. I did. I treated him like sh*t. He flirted all night. I did not show any love for him. Still he stayed with me most of the time. A polish woman, tall and blonde, and pretty, flirted with him all night. Before he left, I heard him tell her “we’ll see each other again”.
He is keeping his options open. He does not see me as something important, he sees me as an object. He is narcissist. He behaved like nothing had happened.
H has no idea how much I am suffering, he odes not care. I am sorry all the dancers think we are still together, and they respect him. The men respect each other, the women do not.
I am the one who lose a dance partner and I am the one who will have a very difficult time. He has many women wanting to dance with him, he does not suffer, and he has a family with him all the time. I am alone. I have nobody.
Every time he talked about his Christmas party, I walked away. Until he stopped talking about it.
I am starting to think that to be able to detach from him I am going to have to stop dancing so I do nto see him. But, it is so sad, to stop the only activity I really like.
But, it hurts to see him flirting, to see him around, he still sits with me and men think that he is still with me.
He did not talk about tomorrow, he is going dancing to a friend’s place, he did not invite me, I do not know if he is going to invite me.
He still wants to celebrate new years eve with me in a tango party. I do not want to be alone for new years eve, I want to have fun. I have no place to go if I do not go with him.
He does not give me any security, like telling me what is he going to do. He enjoys torturing me. That is why I need to get it out of my heart, my brain and my life. Maybe if I find a place to go for new years eve and I do not see him at all it will be easier. But that means stop dancing, I have spent so much money in dancing clothing, shoes, classes etc.
I regret so much to have been hooked up with him. I am sad again, despite I was OK on Monday night. I am very sad and lonelier.
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The good thing is that I did not melt in hins arms. I did not feel love when I was dancing with him. I felt disgusted, mad, sad, furious, and at any moemtn felt that I wanted to hug him and kiss him and get back with him. I felt in pain all the time, all the time.
I think that was good because other times when he had pushed me away, and he came back, I recieved him crying in his arms and loving him like crazy, kissing him, hugging him and showing all women that he was still mine.
Last night I did not have any desire to kiss him, oor hug him, I just danced with him, but I was very sad and hurt and mad. I hope that is a good sign.
The other good thing is that I did not feel desperation when he was dancing with other women. I saw him as less. He does not know that he has psychomotor problems, and how much I helped him to advance ind ancing, how much a piched his leg to show him what leg he had to move, how much I dcihpher what he was doing wrong to find out how to get a move, how I worked for him, how I devoted so much time for him and he things he was doing me a favor. He has no idea what he has lost. He does not know that he has lost. He has no idea I am hurting so much. He things anther woman is going to be able to help him like i did. He has no idea what he has lost.
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Lupe:
I wish you could have a core group of female friends at the dance class.
Whatever happened to the nice older lady who spoke to you?
It's OK to be social and invite conversation with normal nice people.
It's Ok to let people know you aren't still with M at class.
It's Ok to move on.
I hope you keep dancing.
I hope you stop focusing on M, wherever he is.
Focus on Lupita, and what she wants.
Actually ask yourself.... "What do I want to do/eat today?"
Then make mindful plans for yourself, and focus on them/yourself.
M doesn't know exactly what he's lost, but he'll feel the sting if you redirect yourself and get over him.
(((Lupita)))
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I need to read and re-read CB's post number 3 in this thread.
Then you will be dancing and he will do all the things that he has done in the past that make you crazy--leave you on the dance floor to show someone else how to dance. Flirt with someone right in front of you. Leave you sitting at the table while he dances with someone who appears to be laughing at your discomfort.
Picture yourself kicking yourself for falling for it again. Picture yourself wishing you could go back and say "no" when he called. Picture yourself wishing you could go back....
Oh! You are back! You arent there yet. You havent said yes. You can let this be the second chance that you will wish for tomorrow night.
I need to focus on MYSELF like lighter says. I need to forget about M. I need to forget. I need to move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, God, give me peace. Help me.
By the way Lighter, the old lady last night danced very close with M and she closed her eyes while hanging from his neck, I almost vomited. Women are bad in the dance floor. They are no good friends there. Not true. I know two ladies that are very honest and respectful of me. I'll Keep them.
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Although I read and re read cb post right now, I am kicking my self for saying no last night. I said no last night. i said no. I sadi no.
Now the polish blonde tall woman is going to have fun on new years eve with M. i am going to be alone. I have no place to go. I have to be alone. Like always. Always alone. It ha sbeen my destiny.
I know that God does not give me M back because he know it is not for my good. I know M does not bring any good to my life, but just pain and sandness, scorning, despise and making me feel like nothing.
But still, at this moment it feels horrible. Horrible.
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Having M in my life is like drinking poison. I have to internalize that. I need to feel well.
I am fine.
I am OK
I will survive.
He is nefarious, he is deleterius. He makes me look bad, he provokes me, he elicits the worst from me. He likes to torture me.
Why do I want somebody like that in my life?
God knows better.
I am fine. I will be fine.
God help me. M choosed the worst time of the year to do what he has done. I said no last night. I know in my brain is the correct thing to do. My heart is devastated.
I dont think I can go to the new years milonga. I have to find something else. I am lonely. God be with me. I need you god. I need somebody to be with me.
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I mean nothing to him. Nothing. I am nothing for him.
How can I feel sos sad for somebody who does not care about me. He does not give a sh*t. I am nothing. I am disposable. He can find somebody immediately.
I saw it last night. In front of my eyes, the polish blonde tall woman. She flirted and before he left he said, "we will see each other again"
M has no sense of loyalty, or consideration for my feelings. He does not care. He does not care. He does not care at all.
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Lup,
Alright enough about M. Let's talk about Lup. I think you heart will be broken if you sit home or if you dance (even with M there or not there).
You love dance. You always loved dance. You danced before you even met M. I don't think you should give it up. It's your passion.
I believe you to be stronger (then you think you are). Of course it will hurt seeing M there but why (Isolate yourself) from something you love (DANCE).
Do not give up (your own passions) because (HE) makes you feel bad. You love your dance. You want to dance and be at New Year's Eve.....Why shouldn't you be there? Your heart will still be (hurting) and I know for me....At home....Isolating myself from something I love (like dance) would be worse.
Of course you would be alone. You would be making yourself be alone....And why should you? Tell me why?
So you won't see M? You have been seeing him (for a long time). You really see him and are wounded. You loved him. You loved the (illusion) he once gave. Now you see the real him.
Would you have fell deeply in love with him if you Knew him to be this way the frist time you met him? I think you would have thought him a Jerk (and needs to get over himself) and danced off with other people. You wouldn't have given him all these thoughts you are giving him now. And you wouldn't be feeling so lonely because you wouldn't have let him in to your heart. You didn't know. It's alright Lup. It has happened to many of us on this board.
Stop this. Stop this now. Feel your pain. Pain is telling you something but pain will not freeze you...it will heal you. Let it happen (no matter how bad you feel). You are saying it....He is no good for me but I loved him and it hurt's. Yes it hurts deeply. I understand you completely but don't shut down or shut out.
There is no one on this planet that can heal you quicker. No one. Feeling the bad heals you. Looking at what is really going on (heals you) as you are.
The things you are saying, the things you are looking at, the heart broken.....is clearing it's way....to healing.
Don't try to Stop It....Let it happen. I know it sucks......But Please Lup....don't give up your passions. If you want to dance.....Then DANCE! DANCE YOUR ASS OFF....DANCE LIKE YOU NEVER DANCED BEFORE... and hold your head high for Lup (loves to dance).....Put on something now to listen to and Dance...laught, cry, yell, and Dance! Just don't stop doing what you enjoy!! It may be hard but don't Give Up what you Love so much.
Since I have known you from Day one...You alway's talked about your love of Dance don't let what happened spoil that for you. He does not have that power. He does not have that power. Repeat...he does not have that power..
I will continue to live my passion's and Dance!!!!!!!!! Oh hell Lup, if I lived by you I'd dance where you dance because I can (so feel) the passion about dance through you...it's electric!!! You give that off. Did you know that? Go Dance Lup!!! You were born to dance!!!!!
Cheerleading you!!!
Love
Deb
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I am starting to think that to be able to detach from him I am going to have to stop dancing so I do nto see him. But, it is so sad, to stop the only activity I really like.
You may have a whole lot of reasons why this is not a good suggestion, and please do not feel you have to convince me. I don't think for a minute you should abandon your passions or things that make you joyful. I do think you could be thinking about altering their form for a time. So I'll ask (because I care about you):
How about giving up THAT dance community and giving up COED dance, especially tango, for one year?
Instead, could you consider:
--a NIA class (usually all female)
--a volunteer role teaching dance to senior citizens?
--a modern dance or community theater activity you can volunteer for
--teaching dance to kids (you could be paid)
In all of those settings you could tap into your talent and joy in movement, meet nice (new people) who aren't about mating-dramas on the dance floor, and even earn money that could help pay for therapy.
I'm sure there are other ways, too, that I haven't thought of.
My main thought is that I do think you should avoid him for a while because you don't feel right now strong enough to be in his vicinity without terrible anguish.
I liked hearing that you suddenly began to see him as human when you were observing him, and not a drug you had to have. Even for a few moments. That is a sign your mind is waking up from the drug's effects (fusion literally alters the chemistry of the brain).
love, encouragement, keep thinking of new experiences you could have that are DIFFERENT.
xo
Hops
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Lupita: Picture the blonde Polish woman's face as she's left on the dance floor by M....
as she's left sitting alone at a table while M flirts with other women.....
as he leaves her to chat up his buds, and she feels they're laughing at her.
He's not going to treat anyone else better than he treated you, dear.
He's doing what he's always done, and will be doing long after you've moved on, and internalized that what he's doing isn't personal.
Like a scorpion...... he's doing what his nature commands.
Keep those 2 nice ladies in your dance class...... embrace only those around you who are appropriate and kind.
Your life may not be perfect quickly, but darnit.....
it's going to change for the better.
Take action my dear.
DO seek out nice people to do things with.
You have options.
Lighter
ps You may want to check your boundary work, and do some reseach on social anxiety.
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One more suggestion, Lupe...
since it sounds as though you can only see your T once a month (or the group)... start looking for books to read (or websites with info) on how and why we keep repeating these kinds of relationships. One that really helped to push me past a difficult "stuck" place was Claudia Black's "Changing Course - Healing from Loss, Abandoment and Fear". Remember, if money is an issue, the library will have a lot of - or can get for you - these books. Check local university libraries, too. They often lend books to their community folk.
Of course, not everything in a book applies to everyone (sometimes we don't recognize it immediately, too) but I've found that learning how others see us Adult Children of Abusive/N/Neglectful/Mentally Ill Parents helps me understand how my own dysfunctional systems work and maybe most importantly - it gives me some hope and shows me specifically what I can work toward - a real goal. Learning these systems of "how-to" help myself have helped me have some confidence in my own ability to break the inevitability of repeating, repeating, repeating the same old mistakes.