Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Redhead Erin on October 25, 2011, 02:28:49 AM
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I have to make up some boundaries for dealing with her. I will probably change them, but I need to start somewhere.
First, I wnat to get in the right frame of mind with one of my favorite poems:
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by:Portia Nelson I
I
I walk down the street.
There is deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost … I am helpless
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Ok, I'm ready. In this case, the hole I keep falling in is having my life disrupted by her stupid attention-grabbing tactics. This is the first draft at LC which may eventually evolve into NC, depending.
Erin's rules for engagement:
1. I need at least a few days notice when making plans.
2. I need at least 24 hours notice when changing plans.
3. Plans with NM will not interfere with work or scheduled family time.
4. Plans will always involve agreed-upon financial compensation before I agree to them.
5. I will agree to NOTHING without first hanging up the phone and thinking carefully about it. I will consider the financial cost, intrusions into my work, family, or rest time, and as many other factors as I can think of before calling back, at me own leisure, with my decision.
6. Her emergencies are not my emergencies.
7. I reserve the right to cancel plans if she tries to change the rules at the last minute.
8. Visits will have a definite and pre-planned end time that will allow me to get wherever I need to go next (even home to bed) without rushing. I must remember to receive my compensation well before this time, and compose myself to leave at the time designated.
9. I will not lie to her or anyone. This means I will not have to tell her I love her.
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Sounds like a good plan to me!
If I may share one of my favorites: "Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on my part."
Bones
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"Rules of Engagement"! LOL... I get it.
ALL of these are good, reasonable expectations... and clearly define that separation boundary. I think maybe #5 might be the most valuable, tho. It was for me and one of the best results of practicing this, was that I taught myself to get out of the anger/outrage loop... (or at least, closer to getting out!!) You called her a puppet-master, I think, in your first post... well our "strings" turn out to our emotional equilibrium, I think. And for you - also precious time & energy that could be directed to other things that probably need some looking after and mothering... wife-ing... and being YOU.
It's kinda fun to watch the bewilderment on Nmom's face, when I don't react the way she's programmed me to react... when I'm not all upset and topsy-turvy and ready to chew nails in reaction to her. Even better! Propose an easy, rational solution... and watch how fast she changes the subject. For whatever reason, the contact she's always initiated is less frequent than ever. It would be egotistical, for me to think I finally "housebroke" her to my rules... but it's tempting! In reality, what has happened is that she's found someone else who has buttons that can be easily pushed - it's like an outlaw in a western, shooting bullets at someone's feet demanding "dance! Dance, fool, dance!" She only turns back to me, with the same warped need from a "relationship", when that person isn't readily available. I don't know what to call this... I just know it's a sick way to be.
I'm babbling, sorry! Look, I think you found a workable and suitable plan for yourself by talking it out. It's a great "recipe" that would work and could be customized, for quite a few of us. Keep us posted on how things get implemented - put into practice - your successes and the funny things that happen. There will be humor in practicing those rules of yours... tho' it may sometimes be pretty snarky humor.
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Well, she called today and I forgot to hang up before agreeing to anything. But She wants to go shopping again like before. So I told her it was inexcusable that she had changed all the plans at the last minute because her friends called. I told her I would need at least a few days notice before planning anything and a days notice before changing anything. I dodnt agree to much except that she would get to go shopping. But that is not enough--now she wants me to go out to breakfast with her! How freaking early does she think I can get up?? ANd even stranger, I have told her repeatedly that it takes 90 minutes to get to her house, but she for some reason thinks iI leave 45 minutes early, I can swing by her house on the way to work and go out for a meal. Thinking about this, I see why were were always late to stuff when I was a kid! SHe seems to have no concept of or regared for the way time works. OK. Enough for now. Sheesh! I have to go get ready to start my day. See ya!
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Hi Erin,
I see you're in the process of extricating yourself from the needy, demanding grip of an NM. Congratulations! Your freedom has already begun!!
I like the poem & I like your rules.
May I suggest a book on boundaries that really helped me? "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine.
Please prepare yourself for your NM's backlash when you begin enforcing your boundaries. Ns hate when others enforce boundaries. Please try to resist succumbing to your NM's possible (probable) attempts to re-control you thru her use of inflicting guilt & shame on you. Hopefully guilt & shame will no longer cause you to act like her puppet.
When dealing with needy & demanding Ns, I like to feel, to envision that I am releasing myself from their grip & I am releasing them to Gd: Let go & let Gd. I didn't make this person into an N, I can't change them, so I release them to Gd & I free myself. The N has a Higher Power & we ain't it! So, Let go & let Gd.
Also, making yourself unavailable to the N (including an NM) really works. Tell the N you're not available because: You're away on a vacation, busy at work etc. Caller id is essential: do not answer when they call & if you must, call back in a few days. Whenever possible, use email instead of the phone because email is more detaching. When on the phone w/ the N, limit the time of the call to 3 or 5 minutes. Remember: you're very busy & don't have time for the N. Also, try to limit your face to face interaction with NM.
In the big picture, I'm talking about limited contact, which I believe you previously mentioned.
Anyway, these things worked for me, hope they'll work for you.
Edit:
Erin, I see your NM is financially helping you due to the bad economy. Accepting $ from NMs may slow down your ability to fully enforce your boundaries. Maybe you could get a part time job else where or is there another way to earn $? Ns love to control others via $. But, even if NM is helping you, you still deserve to be treated w/ respect.
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Yeah, I'm stuck taking her cash at the moment because I am trapped in a horrible crippling mortgage. I am in the process of getting it restructured, and when I do, I can tell her to kiss my ass if I want. There is another problem in that she is the main connection between my son and my foster-brothers kids, effectively my kid's cousins. Foster bro and his wife seem to think NM walks on water, and I am not sure how to sever the one relationship without destroying the other. Oh, well. I don't have to worry about it now.
Having given this some thought, I am fairly certain I do not want to go out for breakfast with her. I have worked very hard to go from a size 16 to a size 4 over the last 8 years. Besides not wanting to get up at the crack of dawn, I furthermore do not wish to consume a greasy, calorie-laden breakfast that is only going to clog my arteries and cling to my ass.
If I leave the house at 10 am I can get to her by noon, which is plenty of time to go for a light lunch at Panera or Taco Bell (I truly dig their Taco Salad, fresco style!) and still leave for work by 2. My son can do his homework there (he is homeschooled) and my husband can take her shopping after he gets off work. She usually pays for whatever groceries I pick out for myself, so I can send hubby with a list. Then she will take hubby and kiddo out for dinner and they can go home.
On its surface, this is a pretty good arrangement: She gets to see me, kid gets a free sitter, we get some groceries, and everybody gets fed. It fits nicely into my existing schedule.
The problem is, every time I see or even talk to her, it sets off a round of uncontrolled binge eating which lasts several days to a week. This is why it took me 8 years to lose 60 pounds. I just got past the last one, and then she had to go and call me today. So I ate an entire bag of kettle corn today.
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Erin you sound ready and prepared for your own independence. It's never easy but you sound very strong...ohhh to have the tenacity of a redhead! I know you'll pull through!
Best wishes,
Fraidy
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The problem is, every time I see or even talk to her, it sets off a round of uncontrolled binge eating which lasts several days to a week. This is why it took me 8 years to lose 60 pounds. I just got past the last one, and then she had to go and call me today. So I ate an entire bag of kettle corn today.
OK, so... if you are setting a boundary about even deciding when/where you'll interact with her... it's also possible to retrain yourself to set a boundary for yourself: to deliberately, intentionally, consciously choose what you will "console" yourself with, reward yourself, or otherwise use to regain calm & equilibrium of your "normal" space again. And it might give you some insight into why you chose food to extend the damage of Nmom... why this thing instead of something else... via an unconscious (yet almost angrily defiant, in my case) self-harm.
So, it helps to have a plan in place prior to the next interaction. I said helps, because working on this has been an excruciatingly tedious and long struggle for me... but I'm still persisting with it. Just talking on the phone with my mom... I feel as though a whole-body cast is woven right around me, and it shrinks & tightens & squeezes the "me" out of me... I feel as flat as roadkill... and just as "dead"... as if "I" don't even exist to my mom except as an object that exists only for her enjoyment & use... and well, that kind of invalidation hurts so bad, so deeply... that I find I really don't care if I live or die... and just like with a home invasion or sexual assault, I feel violated and "dirty" and all my cells are seeking immediate "cleansing"... relief from the awful feelings... and the normal order of "me" again. Sometimes, I'll grab a bag of chips and read the paper for 2 hours - withdrawing - until the feelings lift or change. Sometimes, I grab my smokes and a beer, right after answering the phone.... sound familiar??? I'm trying to fend off the reflex disgust and anguish of dealing with her... and also put myself in a state where she can't hurt me; protecting & insulating & hiding myself.
At some point, it was pointed out to me or I realized finally... that I was sacrificing me and beating up on myself, over & above the unpleasantness which is the experience of interacting with my mom, for me. Really, I'm not that dumb... but I couldn't deny this is what I was doing. I think perhaps the reasons each person who's found a way to self-harm, does this are pretty similar; it's the details that differ though... chosen method, etc. For me, it was invalidation that triggered this. I am emotionally allergic to being only an "object" to someone - anyone... and rather than insist on being treated as human with feelings... I am deep-down ashamed that I matter so little to my mom (not my fault, I learned), so I slink away (withdraw) and then punish myself for being such a worm & coward.... oh yes, and my worst "sin" is that I NEED so much... I need comfort, validation, guidance and limits on the behaviors I indulge in... which circles right around to the WHY: because my mom didn't supply this... didn't even allow me the recognition of having my own thoughts & feelings separate from hers... and every interaction only reminds me of this "place" in the universe with my name on it.
SIGH... so this is what's called a feedback loop, which is sort of a perpetual process... unless a disruption is inserted, some piece of it changed... it'll merrily keep spinning away and is so slippery, it's hard to get a handle on it. The disruption I used - sort of a compromise for this phase - is at least be aware of what I'm doing to myself... even if I simply accept it and let it be... and then, instead of withdrawing... I deliberately try fill the need that's only been increased from contact with my alien-mom. I pet my animals... play with them... ask for a hug from hubs... getting that validation I need... telling him the worst of my mom's delusions...
and over time, this is working to help me be able to talk to her and not unconsciously "go through the motions" of self-harm; I'm gaining some intentional control over this. It moves at the space of glaciers, it feels like... because my habits go back so many years... but by god, it IS working... I have the concrete evidence. It didn't work at all for me to start by denying myself the bad things. My unconscious response and need was way stronger (and trickier) than the rational part of me. I kept failing... and you know how much that helps, right?? So, I flipped it all around... and left the bad habits alone... and made sure that I focussed on meeting my needs, those deep down emotional needs first, foremost, and especially any time I had to deal with my mom.
This is what's working for me. I reasoned that if the intensity level of my needs were lower... it would be easier to postpone that cigarette... or grab tea instead of beer... If I filled up that "hole" of need I wouldn't be so vulnerable to... nor so scripted as to automatically feel... that invalidation and pain anymore. Took awhile, too and it needs constant maintenance (like brushing your teeth)... and I'm so happy it's working, I'm not even asking the "why does it work" stuff.
Hope this makes sense - maybe trying something like this (customize to your heart's content!) - will work where "strict diets", "rules", etc always cave in for you too.
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Well, it SEEMED like it was going to work . . . .
To answer your first question, PR food is my drug of choice b/c it was a huge part of the control struggle that was my childhood and adolescence. Huge amounts of my time and interaction with my mother had to do with her disgust with female bodies in general and mine in particular, her attempts to control my diet and my weight, and my rebellion binge eating and subsequent body image disorders. It was ugly, to say the least.
So we tried to stick to my plan the first week. At least *I* tried. Just as I was about to leave for work, she suddenly started having issues with her vision. So like the stripper that I am, I told her I could take her to the eye doctor if she would buy out my night (I only charged her the low end of what I expect to make of a Friday night). So I took her to the doc, and then we went out for Mexican food. I left in time to go home and get my stick for my hockey lesson. So far, so good.
SHE CALLED ME AS SOON AS I GOT TO MY HOUSE. Truly. I meant to read my kid a story, grab the stick, and get to the rink. But she had to go and call me and tell me that the electrician had been round to repair something in the living room, and that the refrigerator had also been affected, and that ALL THE FOOD WE HAD JUST BOUGHT WOULD HAVE TO BE THROWN OUT and that I would have to RETURN TO HER HOUSE AND TAKE HER TO BUY MORE FOOD.
Well, we had plans for Saturday, but I needed a sitter for Saturday night, so I told her I would take her Sunday. I sort of figured it in my head that this would be a trade-off for a free short-notice sitter on a prime party weekend. However, I was not prepared for how difficult this would be. I can't remember all the particulars now, but she was trying to extract the most attention she could from my family, and I was trying to save my husband from coming over to her house and taking her shopping, which I was unable to do. (We tend to have a lot of logistical issues that involve one of us starting something and the other finishing it.) He oculd have been spared a trip and a wasted afternoon if only she would have cooperated, which she would not.
Just let me say, it was ugly.
Today was another scheduled shopping day.
Before I tell you about it, let me just add that my son's pet mouse died last night, and I already felt like the worlds biggest jerk for not being there for him when he found her. I got only 3 hours of sleep last night and got up early so I could help him bury her. That was the beginning of my day, and it went
downhill form there.
However, I also have cause for a small celebration. Note my small victories in bold type.
I planned to go early and take her to get her nails done (I use the same salon which is near her house, and yes, I really have to go to that one) then Ted would pick up Kiddo and take him to pick up all the popcorn ($2250 worth) that he had sold for Cub scouts, and then Ted would take her shopping tomorrow. Sheesh--I never saw so much putzing around in all my life! Firstr she claimed she didnt ahve any money for the salon I reminded her th check the various envelopes she keeps in her purse. She had plenty. Lo and behold, as soon as it was time for me to take her home form the salon, she suddenly went blind and had to go to the doc. So same drill as before.I made sure to tell her I could take her, only if she replaced my income but OMG, what a pain in the a$$ she wanted to be today. She was mad at me b/c I dropped her off at the doc and then went to get myself some desperately-needed coffee. (Too bad. I just let her out o fthe car and said, "I'll be back in five minutes!") She picked a fight with me at the eye doc because she wanted me to sit in a different chair than the one I wanted to sit in. I got up and went to sit in the waiting room. Since I wasn't going to work anyway at that point (and there was no hockey tonight) I told her I would just take her shopping and save Ted the trip tomorrow. I mentioned to her that she should get enough food for 2 weeks, because it was turning out that we couldn't take her every week as originally planned. This lead to a huge round of manipulation, fakey-fake crying, and assorted other bull-crud. What would she do if she couldn't make it to the sotre every single week? Have milk delivered and stock up on everything else. How could I be so mean? I'm not being mean, I'm just being practical. And on and on and on. You know how it goes. . . . .
After we left the store, I noticed the time and mentioned that it would be close to 11 pm when I got home. I was bone-tired, and to make it worse, this is the first day of my period and I ache all over. So I really, really just wanted to go home. After I had my car loaded with groceries (payment) and was already running and warming up, she wanted me to "sit down and let's talk this over." Yeah, you know what that means . . . loet her try to talk me into doing things her way. I refused. I pointed out yet again that I had a long, dark drive and had had very little sleep, and athat I needed to get going before it got any later. More tears and finagling. I had enough. I pointed out, fairly calmly, htat this is a perfect example of how she really has no regard for me or my time. I said, the caring response would be, "Erin, I know you have a long drive and you are very tired. I willl call you later and we can discuss this when you are rested". I told her she was being selfish by wanting me to stay later than I already had,kwhen I might find myself unsafe to drive. She started trying to tell me that the money she had paid me (for my time, remember, to make up f r not going to work b/c was too busy kissing her a$$) proved she loved me. I said, "remember the Beatles? HTey did a really great song:Money. Can't. Buy. Me. Love.! " And I walked out.
I called Ted on the way home and cried, just form the stress of it all. I ate more than I would have, left to my own devices, but I did not overeat grotesquely. I was a little snippy and abrupt, but I did not yell, scream or cuss. I got my point across with a reasonable amount of assertiveness. I did not get sucked into one single argument. And I did not give in.
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((((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Good for you!!!! You Go, Girl!!!!!
Bones
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Wow wow wow.
Erin -- you were literally practicing healthy assertiveness with a lot of that.
Find an assertiveness training workshop! You will soar with that healthy technique and never be afraid to deal with her again!
KUDOS. I am really impressed. You sense the healthly direction and sound determined to get there.
Hops
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You did REAL GOOD, Erin!! Don't forget to pat yourself on the back, too.
It gets easier with practice and you'll figure out the connection with food, over time, too. I have this theory (nothing to support it, really) that once we find a way to express our anger appropriately at the transgressor of boundaries, with enough practice we stop taking the anger out on ourselves. And then, once we've got new habits about that... we find we have a lot more control over those reflexive bad habits that have been intractable and unchanging, for so long. Those kinds of habits just become ordinary habits that are way more easily changed. I THINK; I'm still working on that one myself.
This just occurred to me to suggest to you. I figure if you decide to try it, you'll be in for a real "campaign" of work with your mom, to implement it. But, it might just be worth that agony. I don't know how old your mom is, but it seems as if she has some legitimate (or at least perceived) needs... for a driver, someone to assist with household tasks & management, etc. And if she's paying you, there's no reason she couldn't pay someone else (except her "need" to irritate you) right? There are plenty of reputable agencies or even individuals who could do that instead of you and your hubby. And they don't have your "buttons"; sometimes they have the training to deal with these frustrating behaviors, too. Or at least experience... and it's not as personal with them.
Maybe right now isn't the "right" timing to try to get mom to accept this idea - for you, that is. I think you said the money is helping out right now? So, stick the idea in a back pocket for later on. Because at some point, in your practice of boundaries you're going to more than likely want to wean mom off calling you for every single thing, and insisting you drop everything - that what you're doing is less important than running at her beck & call. And it could be that mom will begin to resent your setting boundaries and feeling more comfortable expressing your anger & frustration at her... and having someone more neutral to rely on would be more attractive to her. This could enable you to reset the terms of the relationship with mom... and also let you devote more time to your own life and family. It's a possibility anyway; don't know how likely it is. But it would certainly limit how frequently your patience is tested, right??
Anyway, bask in your success for now! That was a huge step.
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She used to hire help, but the wife of the couple she hired has some health problems. They really knew how to supply her NS. I have seen them in actiion. I dont know if they were doing it on purpose to keep her business or if it was just the way they are, but they were GOOD!
She also pays her "friends" to take her places, but they have all had enough of her.
She still has a cleaning woman.
I don't think most hired help will kiss her a$$ like I have been.
This morning I was running around like a nut case looking f r things for my photo shoot today (I am an amateur model), which I should have done yesterday, except I was not home. Ted was sitting on the bed watching me. And he said the most interesting thing to me:
"You absolutely cannot go over there every week. You will be a basket case."
Really? I hadn't noticed! Honestly, I had considered her "need" to go shopping every week in terms of her grocery requirements, the strain on Ted's time, the interruption to Kiddo's school schedule, gas expenses, weatr on my car, and so on, but I had never, ever considered the basic fact that being around that woman is dangerous to my own mental health.
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being around that woman is dangerous to my own mental health.
LOL!!! Well, now you know, right? This is what I mean, when I say I'm allergic to my mom!
But on a more serious note: Nmom's N-goal is accomplished if you're not even thinking about what you need... that you have needs, in fact. Sure, she may very well have valid needs for assistance herself... but it doesn't have to be YOU she turns to, does it? She might have to behave herself, if it's someone else, right? Oh boo-hoo... Life can be tough sometimes, when you go out of your way to make people miserable, huh?
You need to memorize these, Erin - post 'em next to the phone too. You wrote 'em:
Erin's rules for engagement:
1. I need at least a few days notice when making plans.
2. I need at least 24 hours notice when changing plans.
3. Plans with NM will not interfere with work or scheduled family time.
4. Plans will always involve agreed-upon financial compensation before I agree to them.
5. I will agree to NOTHING without first hanging up the phone and thinking carefully about it. I will consider the financial cost, intrusions into my work, family, or rest time, and as many other factors as I can think of before calling back, at me own leisure, with my decision.
6. Her emergencies are not my emergencies.
7. I reserve the right to cancel plans if she tries to change the rules at the last minute.
8. Visits will have a definite and pre-planned end time that will allow me to get wherever I need to go next (even home to bed) without rushing. I must remember to receive my compensation well before this time, and compose myself to leave at the time designated.
9. I will not lie to her or anyone. This means I will not have to tell her I love her.
It takes awhile to learn to automatically play by these rules, Erin. Lots of practice. It doesn't happen overnight or with a wave of a magic wand. Each time I've re-engaged with my FOO, I've debated it with myself... whether the situation is as serious; the need that great as depicted... and whether or not they're all adults and tough as it is, will be able to handle their problem without me flying in to the rescue. Each time I've caved... I've gotten screwed... and the "horror of the situation" comes & sits on my shoulder again... and I really wanna kick myself for falling for the same old trick, again.
You could also program: "We won't get fooled again" by the WHO... into your iPod or phone, or whatever. Just know, that because we are caring human beings... trying to always do the right thing by others... we ARE gonna let ourselves re-engage... and it's precisely that which is the problem for me: that our sympathies can argue with our rational experience and win out so that we engage again... and the whole awful boring same old script starts to wind up again. The times I've said no and chose not to engage - guess what?? the world didn't end, there was no catastrophe, and somehow these people who claimed they couldn't go on without my help DID - just fine.
And I didn't end up a basket case, either. (I almost always do, when I engage - not calm at all! ;) ).
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My son asked me why the call it a "basket case" and not something else. Good question!
I still keep in touch (and occasionally go drinking with) my second-ever boyfriend, who is something like 10 years older than I am. He knew me at the time I was still living at home, trying to get clear of NM and bro-whatever (psycho nutso first BF turned "family friend"). We like to hang out together because neither of us knows anybody who is more messed up than we are, and sometimes its nice not to be the most damaged person in the room. It's extremely validating to hear him say in his very calm, analytical, college-professor voice, that of all the people he has ever known, which includes some very certifiably institutionalized mentally ill individuals, that he has never known anybody who had a more messed up relationship with thier mother, or anybody who had, a weirder person for a mother than I had.
If you knew Bob, you would know that's sayin' something!
It makes me feel better to know that there is somebody else, not just me and Ted, who is personally inconvenienced by NM's bull-crud, who really thinks she is crazy. Bob says he called it the first time he met her. He also seems to think the situation is way worse than I realize, apparently because I am too close to it. That is sort of scary to think of, too. Not sure which is worse--that I don't see the situation for what it might really be, or that it might be even worse than it seems!
Well, the decision is made, at least for this week. Ted has forbidden me to take her shopping. (He isnt the kind of man to "forbid" me to do things, and I really believe he is right about this, so I am not arguing when he says "Don't you dare take her this week--it will only make her think she is winning!'") He thinks, (rightly so, I s'pose) that if we give in now, it will only encourage her. I agree.
I am also training my son when she calls to say, "Mom can't talk right now, can I have her call you back?" Its one more barrier I can put up.
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I think anybody, including me, would benefit from reading this...
That said, finding 2-D GROUP CLASSES or a WORKSHOP in the techniques is life changing...
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9778&cn=353 (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9778&cn=353)
xo
Hops
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Do you know, I have not heard from her all week. See, she really has no use for me if I am off duty from my part-time job as her taxi driver. It's nice to know I cna do lessons with my kid tomorrow, go to work, and go to the gym, without worrying about who needs groceries or what is going to happen next.
As a side note, my last eating binge subsided about a day after I last saw her, and things have been smooth ever since (except for all that halloween candy lying around, just calling my name.)
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That's great, Erin, glad you're having a hiatus.
Halloween candy cannot live with me. Off to the food bank with it.
BTW, if you could possible find some Assertiveness Training in 3-D (I think I typed 2-D before somewhere) ... it's awesome to practice it. It's even FUN.
You are thus better prepared for future need....
xo
Hops
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I've done a lot of that kind of thing. taking THE CLASSES AND oops applying it in real life are somewhat different. I actually am very assertive in my ordinary and working life. It is only NM who throws me for a loop.
That is part of what drives me so crazy about being around her. Its as if, as soon as I get in her presence, 25 years of therapy and life experience just go right out the window and I am back to being her subservient little doormat.
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It is only NM who throws me for a loop.
Well, then! I think you've just discovered what I call a "golden nugget" of self-knowledge. Pirate booty!
It might not apply to you... but, for me, the explanation of this was that there was the "real mom" - who she really is; and the "mom in my head" - what I expected (and really wanted) a mom to be like. Once I realized that "real mom" wasn't ever going to realize that I had needs or care about me and those needs... she sort of lost the aura of special mom-power that I wanted to assign to the mom in my head. She became just another person - albeit living in her own version of reality! - and I didn't have to keep up the act that we had some special mom-daughter relationship anymore. Including letting her affect me so much, emotionally... or driving me totally crazy.
It's not perfect; or absolute; she can still surprise me - blindside me if I forget to pay attention.
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I think part of the issue with mine is, she can pull stuff on me that no one else is in a position to do. There is only one old, feeble, pathetic woman who raised me. Therefore she is the only one who can lay on the guilt like she does. "after all I have done for you" just doesn't make sense for anyone else.
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Blech! "after all I've done for you"...
like the dentist?
Guilty thoughts/feelings in reaction to guilt-trips are excellent fertilizer for growth, if you start to question and talk back to them.
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That old excuse from NWomb-Donors...."After all I've done for you...." REALLY, REALLY IRRITATES!!
Heard that identical line thrown at my NGCB because he DARED to announce he was leaving home and moving in with a roommate! The NWomb-Donor tried everything in her power to FORCE him to give up his plans to have a life INDEPENDENT of HER and stay with HER FOREVER! When that didn't work, then she tried to suck me into the middle of her sh*t!! (I was only 16!) I swear, it felt like watching a toddler throw a tantrum!!!!
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Guilty thoughts/feelings in reaction to guilt-trips are excellent fertilizer for growth, if you start to question and talk back to them
Hear, hear!
Thanks, PR...
xo
Hops
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Haha, PR--Yeah, exactly like the dentist! :lol:
We have not heard from her in like 2 weeks. My SIL invited her for Thanksgiving, so I had Ted call her--no answer. Sometimes she will not answer when I cal, but it has been a long time not to hear form her . . . Ted will try to call her again today, and if he doesn't get an answer, we are going to call the police fore a well-being check. Because I am NOT going to be manipulated into driving all the way to her house just to knock on her door.
However, I am worried about her dog.
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Haha, PR--Yeah, exactly like the dentist! :lol:
We have not heard from her in like 2 weeks. My SIL invited her for Thanksgiving, so I had Ted call her--no answer. Sometimes she will not answer when I cal, but it has been a long time not to hear form her . . . Ted will try to call her again today, and if he doesn't get an answer, we are going to call the police fore a well-being check. Because I am NOT going to be manipulated into driving all the way to her house just to knock on her door.
However, I am worried about her dog.
I don't blame you. I think it's better to do a well-being check on the dog!
Bones
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Erin - What happened? My curiosity is driving me crazy! You OK?
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So he got in touch with her--she chose to spend thanksgiving with her favorite child. No skin off mine. I got drunk with two of my cousins by marriage and we got Ted to take us to wal-mart for drunken christmas shopping! Too much fun!
Next day she called up wanting to know why we had not come over to her house for dessert (because we were having fun) and complaining that Ted had promised her we would go over there. (He didn't.) So then she wanted me to drop everything and go out for dinner or whatever with her. Sorry, ma, gotta work. Whatever.
She said the strangest thing to me--that she has already been invited to bro's inlaws house, and she didnt feel it was right to cancel at the lat minute because she had a better offer. This made me laugh because of all the dozens of times I have had some activity all planned out or rearranged me life to tak eher to an appointment, then at the last minute she tells me she is going to ohio or going out got dinner with friends or got one of her friends to driver her .....
She does this every year on Thanksgiving, my birthday, and mothers day. She spends the holiday with bro-whatever and then immediately calls me up and wants to spend time with me AT HER CONVENIENCE to make up the the actual holiday she didnt spend with me. She ahs gone to Ohio (bro's house) at least the last two years on my birthday. Then she came back and demanded I allow her to take me out for my birthday dinner. Forget it, Ma. My birthday was last week already. The moment has passed, you know?
One incredibly weird thing is how little I apparently mean to her, in spite of the fact that she makes so much of it. OTOH, my son means the world to me and I would never ever disregard his birthday or an important holiday because I had a better offer. Actually, there would be no better offer. I'm not sure which is odder--the way she behaves or the wal after 42 years, I still am amazed/horrified/baffled/hurt by it.
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So he got in touch with her--she chose to spend thanksgiving with her favorite child. No skin off mine. I got drunk with two of my cousins by marriage and we got Ted to take us to wal-mart for drunken christmas shopping! Too much fun!
Next day she called up wanting to know why we had not come over to her house for dessert (because we were having fun) and complaining that Ted had promised her we would go over there. (He didn't.) So then she wanted me to drop everything and go out for dinner or whatever with her. Sorry, ma, gotta work. Whatever.
She said the strangest thing to me--that she has already been invited to bro's inlaws house, and she didnt feel it was right to cancel at the lat minute because she had a better offer. This made me laugh because of all the dozens of times I have had some activity all planned out or rearranged me life to tak eher to an appointment, then at the last minute she tells me she is going to ohio or going out got dinner with friends or got one of her friends to driver her .....
She does this every year on Thanksgiving, my birthday, and mothers day. She spends the holiday with bro-whatever and then immediately calls me up and wants to spend time with me AT HER CONVENIENCE to make up the the actual holiday she didnt spend with me. She ahs gone to Ohio (bro's house) at least the last two years on my birthday. Then she came back and demanded I allow her to take me out for my birthday dinner. Forget it, Ma. My birthday was last week already. The moment has passed, you know?
One incredibly weird thing is how little I apparently mean to her, in spite of the fact that she makes so much of it. OTOH, my son means the world to me and I would never ever disregard his birthday or an important holiday because I had a better offer. Actually, there would be no better offer. I'm not sure which is odder--the way she behaves or the wal after 42 years, I still am amazed/horrified/baffled/hurt by it.
I would have been sorely tempted to quote her favorite line back at her: "I got a BETTER offer"!
Bones
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Erin - at least she remembers it's your birthday eventually. Last year, my mom called me on the day... rattled on for an hour about herself, trashing my bro & SIL, same old broken record and NEVER even mentioned my birthday. This year, no call at all.
OH WELL. When I consider the source, it's not so breathtakingly painful. It's not like she's aware of what she's doing or that the thought of how I might feel about it ever had a chance to cross that mind. When I decided that I damn well did matter to me... I started to care less about mattering to her... & that started to reduce the chronic (and acute) pain.
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The Saga continues.......
The main logistical thing to remember in this story is that I live 1 1/2 hours from NM, EACH way.
We always have Christmas Eve dinner at our house. Then we always go to her house for Christmas.
A few weeks ago I was mad at her for something. I think she wanted to know why I never invite her to my house. THe main reason is, I would have to go get her and take her back, since she now refuses to drive (the world is probably a safer place.) So I made a tactical error in pointing out that I USED to invite her all the time and she would never come. I USED TO invite her every Christmas Eve and she would NEVER, EVER come. Her hsuband even screamed at me for trying to pressure her into going to my house. So I gave up.
The bitch inviterd herself. To MY house. On Christmas Eve.
Ted (who is way too nice for his own good) offered to pick her up, since he had to go to a nearby town to get his Dad from a nursing home, anyway. We assumed his sister would be able to take her home, since she was also taking Dad home. It came out late on the evening of the 23rd that SIL didnt have enough room in her car (which I should have thought of, had I done the math!) and we would have to find a ride home for MOM.
NM calls me on Christmas eve morning to mess with me. She wants to make sure somebody is going to pick her up. She was pissed to find out that it would not be my own dear husband taking her home, but some as-yet-undecided family member. How could we be so mean to her! How could I do this to my own mother on CHRISTMAS!
Then she asked to speak to TEd, so she could try to manipulate him. What a lot of bullshit! Asking to talk to my own husband after I told her no. I told ehr he couldnt come to the phone cuz he was in the shower. It turned out to be true (though I didnt know it at the time. I owuld have said the same thing even if he was standing right next to me!)
I pointed out that for TED to take her both ways would involve 6 hours (300 milies!) in the car, plus another round trip the next day. I said it just was not fair (not to mention environmentally responsible!) for him to take her home, when other family members were going the same way. She just went on and on, about how she wanted ALL of us (including my 10 year old son!) To driver her home, and then we could stop and do something FUN on the way. What the hell would we do that would be "fun" at midnight on Chirstmas eve, especially wehn Santa still needs to go to our house?
Mom, I said, its not fair to Ted.
He would do it if he loved her!
Mom, I said, it will ruin the entire next day for him. He will be so tired!
It should be worth it for family!
Why isn't it good enough that you will be here and you will get home sefely? Why does it have to be US?
I thought we could so something fun on the way home.
Listen, noting is fun if you are tired. Would you rather not come at all?
Fine, I'll be ready...SLAM!
THe thing that struck me as so odd was that she was going to be at our house for the evening, as she said she wanted, but she was unhappy that someone else should drive her home
Ted's cpision took her. As she was leaving, while cousin Cindy was in the bathroom, she says to me..."How well to you know this person?" Well, actaully, she was begging for alms in hte street and we too her in---oh, please!
Ther eis more to this but I have to go to work. Stay tuned....
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It never ceases to amaze me how N's invite themselves to invade others' boundaries with their attitudes of "!@#$ you, ME FIRST"!
Bones
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How about that, Bones?! It seem slike no matter what I do for yer, it is never enough. It occurred to me the other day that we should have re-named the old "Never good enough" message board to just "Never enough" because that is how it is with her--I can never do enough, never spend enough time with her, ..you know, just NEVER F'ING ENOUGH! ANd I dont have enough strength and energy to continue dealing with her.
SO anyway, CHristmas day arrives and everyone is over at my moms. It seems strange because family members who were previously really nasty to me are suddenly rather nice. Bro-whatever's MIL was, for a change, pleasant and actually took my dietary needs into account. She even made me a home-made macaroni & cheese, --how nice! (Previous years' concessions to my vegetarian lifestyle included lean cuisine lasagna and frozen pizza!) Nobody treated me like a redheaded stepchild. Hmmmm......
After all the eating and gift opening was done and it was time to go home, (About 7 pm) NM starts to cry. I always know when she is faking it becasue she can't do real tears on demand. Oh, boo-hoo!:cry: Nobody loves her! WHy do we all have to leave?!:cry: Why are we being so mean and horrible to her? Oh, boo-hoo! :cry:
She even told my neice (13 years old!) that she was not going ot lock up her house (AKA FORT SARA) and maybe someone would come in and "get her" because nobody cares about her.
(I call this the "I'll eaT some worms and then I'll die" manuever. see here http://youtu.be/UNftMOuIkUg (http://youtu.be/UNftMOuIkUg) for explanation and comic relief!)
SIL managed to get me alone for a few minutes. It turns out that NM has been calling ALL her friends (Like, all 3 of them) wanting more stuff, becoming more demanding, and making up more in number and more outrageous things that she wants, things that are medically wrong with her, things that are wrong with her house--and everybody is fed up with her! Apparently she has also been telling people I won't answer my phone or talk to her or something, because SIL said to me, "I can see why you don't answer your phone half the time!"
So it seems that she has been telling everyone (for years) what a bad daughter I am, blah, blah, blah. ANd all her friends have believed her, because she is so adept at making herself look like such a nice person. My entire life I have been getting lectures from near-strangers about how I should be nicer to my mother, because she is so nice and good to me. ANd those people, seeing me through her perception, have taken a dislike to me. No wonder, right? ANd now she is showing her true colors.
I have always known her as a mean, petty, selfish, demanding bitch. For years I have watched in amazement as people would eat out of her hand and come to her rescue while she did her "damsel in distress" routine. For years I have wondered why *I* was the only one who saw her for what she was, or if maybe I was somehow mistaken, because how could everybody else in the whole world be wrong about her?
Now I feel a little vindicated. It feels good. :D
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AMEN! :D
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(((((((((((((((Heyya Redhead Erin, )))))))))))))))))
I enjoy it when you use the B word to describe your mother. Even though you don't enjoy her and the situation is sad as Nar-people relationships are....well I like your self-hood that comes through when you call her a B.
I call my mom a B also sometimes, so I'm right there with ya.
When I hear you as well expressing that sort of displeasure towards mom dearest well I get a naughty bratty kid smile on my face that I normally never feel.
Yay ! for disobedient daughters!!!!!!
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One of my young, well-adjusted, friends recently reminded me, "Well-behaved women rarely make history!"
Hear, hear!
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OY - Erin - some things are simply beyond the pale.
The fact that you got through this debacle without outraged meltdown = priceless. I doubt I could have... no matter how much I like to think I'm beyond the reach of my Nm. I know I'm not; not really. THAT'S why I need those damned boundaries... that I DON'T need with people who aren't like that.
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((((((((Erin)))))))))
Your NM's Xmas-crashing exhausting. I'm so sorry. I honestly believes Ns up the N-sanity during this time of year. They're real-life Grinches hell-bent on ruining holidays for everyone.
Hope you get some time for a little New Year rest and relaxation.
And I think you're totally justified in feeling relieved by the fact that other people are beginning to see through your NM's angel-act. It must be so difficult for them to maintain a false persona for so long without the cracks showing through. But then, I suppose they think their survival depends on it...
Anyway, sending lots of love your way,
Kay
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I honestly believes Ns up the N-sanity during this time of year.
N-Sanity! :D Ain't that the truth!
Well, things have been quiet for a while.....except she didn't leave town on my birthday this year and took me out for fondue instead, then bitched teh whole time and tried really hard to spoil the evening for me.
But she didn't. The food was just too delicious.
I've seen her maybe 4 or 5 times since Christmas. She has informed me that she has a girl who comes in once or twice a week to help her with things and do the dreaded grocery shopping. Wow! That's a relief. I think SIL set it up for her. When I tried to arrange similar, I was accused of not wanting her, trying to pawn her off on strangers, blah, blah, blah. Well, whatever. She has reliable help and and I have peace of mind. Who cares how it was done?
Oh, and the horrible crippling mortgage? Almost gone! We got the HAMP adjustment in March. Our trial period ends in May. Hallelujah! :D So now I still need money, but more in a "catching up and keeping things even" way, not in a desperate "IF I don't make $300 by the end of this week we will miss a house payment" kind of way.
I haven't heard form Mom much lately, and she has not been terribly demanding, and life has been good.
Up til this weekend.
Hubs and kiddo and I had plans to go see the horse races at a nearby track Saturday night, for St. Patrick's day. Hubs had to work both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday afternoon she called up and started whining about wanting to see me. Since I had been working at the computer and the phone in here does not have Caller ID, I picked it up, hoping it would be Hubs. If I had known it would be her, I would not have answered it.
She wants to see us. I told her we had plans. She whined and I gave in and the long and short of it is, she got hubs to drive all the way to her house to pick her up to go to the race track where I spent the first 7 races running around and getting things for her. This is a harness racing track, and the races go from 7 pm to after 11 at night, so by the time I got to sit down at the start of the 8th race, I was exhausted. Then it took me 2 or 3 races to figure out what I was looking at, and I didn't get to see the warm-ups of any horse that ran before the 10th or 11th race (there were 13 all together. Which is to say, by the time I got settled in, it was almost over. )
So Ted took her home and just planned to sleep there and then go to work (rather than coming past the race track to come home from her house, then driving right back past that same track a few hours later. There is a complicated issue with a broken alarm clock and he winds up getting almost no sleep on Saturday night.
At this point I should mention that Hubs has to be at work at 4:45 each morning. If you are late, you get suspended. This company does not play.
Ted worked All day Sunday and then finally we got to spend some time (like 5 hours) together as a family. We went fo ra bike ride, ate dinner, and he went to bed. He got to sleep about 4 or 5 hours (He is one of those guys who can sleep like Rip Van Winkel. Four hours does not cut it for him.) GOt up Monday and went to work tired.
Monday night, she calls Ted with some story about how her furnace is blowing cold air and she is going to freeze to death in her house. IT was like 65 degrees that night. :roll: The winning line this time is "I'll pay you!" Broke as we are, of course Ted a a sucker for a bribe...and she usually tosses money around like water.
So poor Ted, unable to reach me (I blew off paying my cell phone bill because I took my Kid to the the Museum of Science and Industry Thursday) gets sucked into going over to her house for pretty much nothing. He spends the evening an half the night driving to see her, messing around with her furnace, and (as always) going out to dinner (He didn't have time to eat at home and she ALWAYS wants to go out to eat, lazy bitch won't cook for herself) and driving home. What does he get for his trouble? TWENTY FLIPPING DOLLARS! That's not even enough to fill his tank. It costs almost that much to drive all the way over there and back! Oh, and not to mention that he got home an got in bed about an hour before he was supposed to leave for work again!
OMG was I pissed! I got home just after he did at 1:30 in the morning and found out about it. I called and screamed at her answering machine. I begged Ted to call in and not go to work because I had a horrible premonition that he would fall asleep driving and get killed (he already had one accident that way).
This morning I called the local HVAC company in her town and found out how much they charge for an emergency call. Then I figured out how much Ted lost by not going to work today. Then I called her and told her that I was damn near never talking to her again and she had better make with all the money she owed my husband. My God, was I mad! No tact, no holding back, I just let fly with all the anger and frustration I had. I mean, really? Twenty bucks for his time? If I had a customer who monopolized my time all evening an then tossed me $20, I would have slapped him! I told her that. I told he it was rude and insulting for her to expect Ted to drag a kid all the way up there and then toss him almost nothing! I told her a lot more than that, about how I am sick of the way she manipulates me and Ted, how she is always waving money around and expecting us to jump at her back and call, and how it WILL NOT BE HAPPENING ANY MORE.
She go tin a snit and said to have Ted come and pick up the money that "HE THINKS I OWE HIM."
Then we hung up on each other.
She called me back in the afternoon (again, I picked up the phone without a Caller ID, but this time I was reasonably sure it was her. I can just tell!) and tried ALL her best tricks on me.
First, she asked if I was "feeling calmer" now. As if I had had a bout of ingestion or something. I said, "Hell no, I'm still mad at you!"
She Pretended ignorance. "I didn't know Ted had to work" Bullshit! He mentioned it to her several items. Besides, she certainly did know he would have a 10 year old kid with him!
She reframed the situation in her favor : Well, I DID pay him!/ I took him out for dinner/
More pretended ignorence/ false innocence: What did I do wrong? I dont understand why you are so angry at me? And, What do you mean I've done this before? When have I done it before? (OOOOHHHH, don't get me started on the number of fake emergencies I've been dragged into!) What do you mean I don't respect you? What do you mean, I have no regard for your time?
She blamed the victim (Ted) by saiyng he should have said NO if he did nt want to come. (Sure. It is near impossible to say no to that woman!)
She tried several varieties of guilt and hyperbole (All I've done for you/ I just want to be a family / don't you want your poor old mother in your life/ I thought I was doing the right thing/ well fine I won't call you for help any more....)
More bait-and-switch tactics: Well, Just have Ted come and pick up the money he thinks I owe him...
ANd her signature move---using my kid as a pawn: I want to buy Kiddo a birthday present/help with is party/ take him on vacation....
It's a good thing I was so and...and I'm sooooo done. Lucky for her, my son still wants her in his life. Because if he hadn't asked me to figure out a way he could see her, while still keeping my distance, I would have told her never to call me again.
As it is, she started asking me what she could do to get back in my good graces (what she would have said if she was talking about how to manipulate someone else). SO I told her.
First, she can make with a check. ANd no I am not going to drive out there and pick it up. I don't have time. She can put it in the mail. If she cannot remember to put the check in the mail box, I can have a courrier go to her house and get it.
THEN we can talk about my son and his birthday. I really do not need her money to throw him a decent party this year.
Furthermore, there will be NO MORE weeknight visits. Emergencies will be handled by the appropriate professionals. There will be no more changing of plans or last minute calls. All answers to any such requests will be NO.
Of course I had my list of rules before, but it is hard for me to stick to them sometimes. It felt good to get it all out there and now I know I HAVE to stick by them, because I have SAID them. Having drawn my line in the sand, I cannot back down. IF I do it once, I will be doomed to do it again and again.
When I hung up the phone, I wept. I was drained and shaking. I lost myself in a hot bath and a book and "forgot" to go to work.
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You did good, Erin!! Hope you enjoyed your bath.
I understand about the backlash of emotion after "finally" being able to vent long-stuffed anger. For me, that boils down to a guilt/despair cocktail that I shouldn't "have to go there" - but that despite previous attempts to be heard - I had to yell, throw a fit, be outrageous and get their attention. I even have to take hubby's admonitions to "tone it down" because my anger can be sooooooo white-hot. I haven't had one of those nuclear melt-downs in a while now (fingers crossed; knock on wood). And I'm finally learning the different ways to prevent letting that emotion build up to that level. Now I wish I just wouldn't see Nism as an overlay to institutions, politics, life... but I'm working on that, too.
You didn't go over the top. You were righteously angry... stayed on topic about it... reset your boundaries again (sigh - yes, it's not a one-time thing with Ns - because they're "special", rules don't apply to them... I prefer to think it's that they're stupid and you can't fix stupid). I'm sure you'll have to do it again.
I was wondering how you were! Glad to see your post. Sounds like you've got a lot of good things going on now. That makes me smile! :D
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Hey Phoenix!
Did I tell you I always loved that name?
I am going to have to call her this morning and tell her that a courier will be coming to pick up the check. I found a company in her town that charges only $20 a trip. All I need is for somebody to get the check and mail it. Otherwise she will repeatedly "forget". She did that with my son's college fund, to the point that we came within a day of getting the whole thing cancelled. and getting kicked out of the program.
I am SO not looking forward to this.
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Well, I don't know why I dreaded that. I called and told her how much she owed us and that she a courier would come for the check.
NM: "Oh, I don;t know about that. My friend is taking me out to lunch!"
Me: "OK< then while you are out, put the check in the mail box."
NM: "Ummm...."
Me: "I will call you tonight and make sure you did it. If you do not mail the check TODAY, the courier will be there tomorrow to pick it up. DO you understand?"
SO she made a big point of writing down the Exact amount I told her and then asking how to spell our last name! Wow... I've only been married to this guy for 9 years...Was that supposed to be some sort of barb about how little I mean to her, or how little she thinks of my marriage? Or did she wat to shoe me just how forgetful and pathetic an old woman she is? Or is she really JUST THAT STUPID? :shock:
She always gets very docile when she knows she is beaten. I have no doubt she'll try something else again n the near future, as soon as she thinks up another tactic. I don't care. She has to die sometime and meanwhile, I'm getting better and better at this game.
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Erin - my mom still can't remember my hubby's name (12 years this year)... and I showed up unexpectedly a couple years back to visit her... and she didn't even recognize me. It just goes with the territory - as much as it irritates us - we just simply don't exist until they think up a reason to "need" us... more for the N-supply than any real relationship.
Either way: we're always cheated out of the "normal" share of what happens when two people relate, when one of them is that N.
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Well, so much for her "helping" with kiddo's birthday. He wanted a train set that cost $150. He (my son) went to my mom and told her he wanted her to help him buy it, that he had $70 saved up and would she pay the other half. She agreed to this.
GC Bro-whatever and his family are in town this week, and Kiddo's other cousin, a nice girl who is becoming a pawn in her parents' divorce, was in her mother's custody this weekend, and so if we wanted to have a party with most of his cousins there, this would be the day to do it. Kiddo wanted horseback riding and pizza for his special day. Expensive, but doable. My dumb lazy SIL didn't even want to bring her kids out to the stable (too far) until I twisted her arm about it, but that is another story.
Well, my hubs wound up having to work all weekend. We asked Bro-Whatever to take my mom to the model train store and pick up the train set, which was being held at the counter for us. Because Bro, NM, and the train store are all in the same town, 90 minutes' drive from us.
So here is where it gets weird. Bro gets my husband in a 3-way call with the guy at the train store. It becomes apparent he is trying to take charge or in some way exert control over the situation. Whatever, they do get the train and get it wrapped (by the girl who does my mothers errands. This was told to us as if it was significant; I have no idea why). NM rides down to the party with Bro and his family. She does not speak the entire time, except when Kiddo goes up to her at the end of the party to thank her, she reminds HIM that she is only paying for half of the train. Except for hello and goodbye, I believe that was the only thing she said to any of us.
Bro also reminded us about it, at least twice.
Remember earlier when she said she wanted to help with the party, buy kiddo a gift, etc? Nope! Just one more thing she conveniently "offered" then forgot about. She did not, however, forget that an 11 year old kid owed her $80! (Hubs and I paid it, of course. I could not let my kid spend his aluminum can money on his own birthday present!)
I just cannot get over the pettiness and selfishness of this. My mother pisses away money like its water. She spends lavishly on whatever she feel like, usually restaurant meals that she wants, then considers we should all be grateful to her. She will spend hundreds of dolllars on stuff for which she has no real need, but will begrudge a kid $80.
I am about done with this. I could still use my monthly allowance, but I no longer need it to live. Therefore, I think I would rather work a few extra shifts than have to deal with her any more. I can send a courier once a month to pick up my son's college fund check, for the same as it would cost me to drive up there. She has never kept a promise in all her life, but I intend to "help" her keep the promise she made to my son, that he would have his college fund paid for. Otherwise, I don't think I will see her for a while. I am even considering letting my son go on vacation this summer, but staying back myself.
Regardless, I know damn well that as soon as GC bro-whatever is out of town, she will be on the phone crying and begging me to come over. But you know what? I will not be able to go because I will have to work. Even if I don't. NC is coming. It has been coming for a long time. I don't care.
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Well, so much for her "helping" with kiddo's birthday. He wanted a train set that cost $150. He (my son) went to my mom and told her he wanted her to help him buy it, that he had $70 saved up and would she pay the other half. She agreed to this.
GC Bro-whatever and his family are in town this week, and Kiddo's other cousin, a nice girl who is becoming a pawn in her parents' divorce, was in her mother's custody this weekend, and so if we wanted to have a party with most of his cousins there, this would be the day to do it. Kiddo wanted horseback riding and pizza for his special day. Expensive, but doable. My dumb lazy SIL didn't even want to bring her kids out to the stable (too far) until I twisted her arm about it, but that is another story.
Well, my hubs wound up having to work all weekend. We asked Bro-Whatever to take my mom to the model train store and pick up the train set, which was being held at the counter for us. Because Bro, NM, and the train store are all in the same town, 90 minutes' drive from us.
So here is where it gets weird. Bro gets my husband in a 3-way call with the guy at the train store. It becomes apparent he is trying to take charge or in some way exert control over the situation. Whatever, they do get the train and get it wrapped (by the girl who does my mothers errands. This was told to us as if it was significant; I have no idea why). NM rides down to the party with Bro and his family. She does not speak the entire time, except when Kiddo goes up to her at the end of the party to thank her, she reminds HIM that she is only paying for half of the train. Except for hello and goodbye, I believe that was the only thing she said to any of us.
Bro also reminded us about it, at least twice.
Remember earlier when she said she wanted to help with the party, buy kiddo a gift, etc? Nope! Just one more thing she conveniently "offered" then forgot about. She did not, however, forget that an 11 year old kid owed her $80! (Hubs and I paid it, of course. I could not let my kid spend his aluminum can money on his own birthday present!)
I just cannot get over the pettiness and selfishness of this. My mother pisses away money like its water. She spends lavishly on whatever she feel like, usually restaurant meals that she wants, then considers we should all be grateful to her. She will spend hundreds of dolllars on stuff for which she has no real need, but will begrudge a kid $80.
I am about done with this. I could still use my monthly allowance, but I no longer need it to live. Therefore, I think I would rather work a few extra shifts than have to deal with her any more. I can send a courier once a month to pick up my son's college fund check, for the same as it would cost me to drive up there. She has never kept a promise in all her life, but I intend to "help" her keep the promise she made to my son, that he would have his college fund paid for. Otherwise, I don't think I will see her for a while. I am even considering letting my son go on vacation this summer, but staying back myself.
Regardless, I know damn well that as soon as GC bro-whatever is out of town, she will be on the phone crying and begging me to come over. But you know what? I will not be able to go because I will have to work. Even if I don't. NC is coming. It has been coming for a long time. I don't care.
That REALLY sucks when the N%$#@ attempts to screw over an 11-year-old grandkid without any remorse!
Bones
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It's just the pettiness of it, you know? If *I* had been the one entering the bargain, or Hubs, of course I would have honored it, and expected to be held to it. But a kid? Really? He is only 11, and has little concept of money as adults understand it.
Besides that, she pisses away money like nothing. You would not believe the shit she wastes money on. She will drop $100 for a restaurant meal nobody really wants and not bat an eyelash. She pays for a cell phone and an alarm system she does not know how to use! I mean, seriously, she flushes so much money down the toilet, I could probably make our car payment 2 or 3 times with what she wastes.
Well, just wait. I give it 2 days to a week, and she will be crying to me to come and visit her. Too bad.
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Well, what did I tell you? Bro-whatever is back in Ohio and now Easter is coming and she wants attention, so she called me.
I didn't answer. I really dont need the hassle.
Hub sister invited us for Easter and that is where I want to go. I want to drink and laugh and have fun with my friends. Having her around would spoil me entire day. I refuse.
SIL is usually nice enough to invite her for the major holidays she has at her house, but NM usually has a better offer with Bro-whatever-s inlaws. THey love her and enjoy kissing her ass. THey are those fakey-fake kind of psuedo=christians who have a lot of cross-shaped trinkets in their house but dont really walk the walk, if you know what I mean. In other words, they are more NMs kind of people. My kind of people are rowdy drunks, apparently. I like them better.
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Just got back from the annual ordeal--a fun-filled week in lovely Door County, WI. It is really one of my favorite places on earth. If only I didn't have to be there under the circumstances we always have.
Its late now; in fact my husband just got UP to go to work and I am STILL up, not a good sign. So I am going to re-post a letter i wrote to a friend about the trip. I will fill in some details later. Let me jsut add that this board had become an amazing and handy place to keep track om my ongoing issues with Madame Puppet-Master and the rest of the gang.
Here is the letter:
Thank God it's over.
SIL and her kids are getting as fed up with Mom as we are. Bro-Whatever is apparently practicing for the ass-kissing Olympics. He is a champion among enablers. His relationship with my mother has always seemed extremely peculiar to me, partly as a stand-in for my dead brother, partly sexual. On this trip, however, they reached a new level of creepiness.
Mom has a couple of legitimate health problems, to be sure, but she works them and exaggerates them to the point of being both ludicrous and disgusting. She mostly refused to walk for herself, preferring instead to have Bro-Whatever push her around on a walker. But....when she got mad at us, she stood up and walked just fine! She kept refusing to eat her food or drink beverages for some reason or other, many having to do with her faked or exaggerated blindness. She kept demanding we stop what we were doing (attempting to have fun) to cater to her demands (hungry, thirsty, bathroom, etc.) She wanted Brenda and me to give up days of our vacation to take her shopping for clothes (she had plenty) or a swimsuit (she never gets in the water). Every breakfast was started late because she could not get her shit together (except the one morning where Ted and I went for a bike ride and got back late--that day they were right on time!). The list goes on...and on...and on.
She also has 2 new problems--drooling and incontinence--which she also exaggerates. Why anyone would purposely make themselves disgusting is beyond me, but she seems to revel in it. I got fed up with her one day because she kept drooling on my hand while I was trying to help her with one of her numerous wardrobe malfunctions. I simply told her to quit drooling on me because it is disgusting. She started whining aobut how she can't help it. I told her if she would stand up straight the spit would run down the back of her throat where it belonged. Funny, but I didn't see her drooling the rest of the day! She also peed on a jacket I lent her, and I was afraid she had peed in my car. Lucky for her she didn't, because there is almost nothing I hate the smell of more than human piss.
Bro-Whatever is also maneuvering to further entrench himself as the "golden child" in Narcissistic Personality Disorder parlance. I noticed a couple of times on vacation where he arranged things so that he was going somewhere with Mom and purposely excluding me. Its interesting especially since we made ourselves fairly scarce for most of the trip. There really seemed to be no need to further try and separate us.
Apparently (according to Ted and SIL) the worst outbursts occur when Bro-Whatever or I am present, and the very worst (on the level of temper tantrums) happen when Bro-Whatever is around but not me. If she is simply alone with SIL or Ted or the kids, she is less goofy but still odd. I suspect this is because she still would like to control me, but recognizes that Bro-Whatever is the true narcissistic supply goldmine. However, I don't take her shit. I tell her quietly but firmly that I do not believe she is as sick as she pretends to be and that I resent her attempts to exert control over people by pretending to have problems she does not really have. I also tell her, when she starts playing the victim of her illnesses, that many of her problems are the direct result of her refusal to care properly for her body and therefore I don't have a lot of sympathy for them.
I feel really bad for SIL. Ted witnessed a couple of moments where Bro-Whatever completely ignored her to tend to Mom's imaginary problems. I can guess what is going to happen. Since Bro-Whatever is the only one who will treat Mom with the ass-licking deference she feels she deserves, I predict she will continue to call him and make up reasons he needs to come to Joliet to do stuff for her. It will start to consume his weekends and time off, and before long he will be spending all his days off wearing a dent in the pavement between his house and hers. She tried several times to put enough pressure on me to ruin my marriage, and I am sure she will do the same to Bro-Whatever. She will not quit until she has become the most important person in his life, and even then it won't be enough. She will continue to make demands on his time and attention until he has nothing left to give.
Maybe Mom will die soon and release all of us from her shit.
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More vacation fun from a previous year. Possibly a worse vacation than the one we jsut had.
http://sometimesitsabitch.blogspot.com/2007/06/vacation-from-hell.html
http://sometimesitsabitch.blogspot.com/2007/06/vacation-from-hell.html