I made a mistake for a long time

[Anonymous]

Hi Bloopsie,

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and your inner children.    The ones who are afraid of help might be reassured by that even though they're apprehensive. I'm glad you have a sponsor and a therapist who are available, especially now that you have these bad memories.

bunny

[longtire]

Bloopsy, I read this last night, but was unable to respond because I felt overwhelmed by the horror.    I felt your post so strongly, I know its real.  Bipsy and you have every right to be angry and enraged.  I'm glad to hear that you are talking to your therapist and doing what you need to take care of you and your inner family.  Sending strength and support,

[October]

LM, "Feelings aren't facts" refers to people acting impulsively on feelings without considering the consequences/ramifications. Unfortunately the slogan can be used in a self-righteous, manipulative manner by narcissistic people.

bunny

My own saying about feelings, that I tell my daughter, is; 'Feelings are allowed'.  This might be an antidote to the N manipulations.

My family is full of 'should's about feelings, like (to her) 'you shouldn't hate your dad'.  I tell her that there is no should about it; feelings are allowed.  They are not good or bad, they just are.  And the word 'ambivalent' is very useful to describe loving and hating at the same time.

But after we allow the feelings, then we make decisions about what our behaviour needs to be.

(((((((Bloopsy)))))))

[October]

I always sensed that when people talked about the Holocaust and were like "never forget because then it could happen again" that it had some personal signifigance to me that I didn't understand like a bell or a wave or a child crying in the dark calling me home.

The resonance that you feel here is real.  Anyone who has been abused shares a lot with those who went through the Holocaust.  You may well share something else too, which is post traumatic stress disorder.  I have this, and I share the feeling of commonality with survivors that you describe.

If you feel strong enough, there is a site you can visit to find out more.  I go there myself, and it is a safe and loving place.

http://www.bein.com/trauma/

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your responses. I admit my mind is so drowning that I don't really remember them soi well and that is something to try to stop punishing myself over and thank you so much for writing I know it helps rvrn if I don't remember. I am so angry. All this time I have punished myself. I think that the feelings arren't facts slogan is really important to me. When Ed was treating me abusively and telling me I could not leave I started to feel like a horrible and dirty person and I thought that must be because I was. I was so fdegraded and alone. I couldn't move. I was not allowed to leave. I felt like I had to thank him for helping me to uncover this memory. That didn't help me to get away from him it just made it worse. I thought he had uncovered the truth about me that I was horrible but really he treated me in a way that made3 what happen when I was little come up. I couldn't get away and was not allowed to leave. i know that I am talking at everyone and I'm sorry for that. A lot of the time I feel like I have spent so much time patiently listening because I had to or thought I had to. I feel so ashamed when I can't listen but I feel angry that I have to keep on listeniong and listening and listening. It is the same with sex I feel ashamed when I can't feel it but so angry that I have to keep on doing it just to keepo the other person from getting angry. I KNOW that is not supposed to be how it is.

[Anonymous]

You uncovered the memory yourself, you don’t have to thank anyone. Be angry with those who have abused you B! It’s their dirt, their terrible acts upon you. You’re still pure and beautiful. You have the right to be angry with them.

You haven’t made any mistakes B. You have nothing to be ashamed of!

Why are you sorry for talking here? That’s what it’s for. Please don’t be sorry for talking. You have a right to be listened to. We want to listen. We’re listening because we want to and because we like you and love you. You don’t have to give anything ‘in return’ either. You don’t even have to listen! Just be your wonderful self, please.

Can you find a way to live which would allow you to choose whether or not to have sex with someone? I mean, could you live in a place with other women for example? Where you could think about yourself and your life, on your own, without a man? Would you like to do that B?

[Bloopsy]

I would like my life without a man, I guess, if I liked my life!!!!!!! Then it would feel more like a choice. If i didn't feel like I was incapable of doing things I need to to take care of myself and that the other person had control over me and there was something too intense about my attatchment to them. I guess that it is more of accepting my own self and how I really feel and not rejecting something. I don't reject anyone really. I just know I can't deal with them in my life.. I am saying the serenity prayer a lot and that is helping and a little bit I see that what they did was horrible and I feel horrible but am not horrible and no wonder I am in such a state and running constantly. It feels less like i am bad and morer like I am someone who bad things happened to. I was able to sleep last night and the sleeping felt restful and more like sleep than it has in a long time less lke waking up with a start. I understnd that I am feeling the way I felt when I was little, helpless. I can't leave, I can't take care of myself, I have to just watch the horror unfoldand make desparate attempts that don't work. I feel so alone I thought I had 2 new fathers. that was something I wanted, to have a spare in case one abandooned me or died. But I don't feel alone lonely anymore. It is better than being with them . I don't feel like I am dying since I have remembered this everything doesn't seem so irrational anymore.

[Anonymous]

I’m so happy for you that it’s starting to make sense B. There are so many good things in your post – sleeping better last night, knowing the events were horrible and bad but that you aren’t bad – these are such positive big moves. And even though the remembering must be hurtful, if it means you understand it better, that’s for the good. It’s all for the good B. I really think you’re going to be okay. Take care, and talk about all of this with your therapist okay?

[Bloopsy]

Yay Guest it really is good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sleeping relaxingly is so nice. One thing I didn't say that is also  good because is that I am starting to come back into my body, it feels like being reactivated. I can feel my 2 feet on the ground and they are wobbly but I can feel the wobbling so it is nicer. I realized that moving slowly is good too for this. I think I will stick with myself for a while and not worry about how in the program they say stick with the men or stick with the women, i don't feel like sticking to anyone anymore except myself. And certainly I will not stick to my father anymore which I did even though he is dead and before that I never saw him I still felt that I neede to be loyal, and it was not just me, it was me and him. which had no basis in reality always wondering if it was true what the bruha man said that he is watching over me and is suffering because I am suffering, and poor daddy that I am making him suffer I better stop suffering so he can stop suffering, whoops. Well it is nice to feel like a singular person. I think I will just savor that.

[Anonymous]

Bloopsy,

poor daddy that I am making him suffer I better stop suffering so he can stop suffering, whoops.

What unhelpful, harmful words to say to you, it's trying to make you feel guilty for feeling bad  and it's not your fault! I'm angry for a moment for you B.

Well it is nice to feel like a singular person. I think I will just savor that.

Fantastic! Now I feel great for you

[Bloopsy]

yes it is so great to feel like a singular person!!!! I feel like I have the power of choice. That makes me feel pretty powerful.

[Anonymous]

hope you have a good day B, and your days get better all the time  bye for now, (((Bloopsy))) keep letting us know how you are please, we like to hear from you!

[Bloopsy]

Bye!!I  hope you have a good day toooo\

[delphine]

Hi Bloopsy,
My heart goes out to you as you heal from this abysmal suffering.
I think you might find encouragement, strength and hope in one of the Anon groups for sexual addicts. SAnon or Co-Sa are for people who are healing (and reeling) from the effects of someone's out of control sexual behavour. You can find a sponsor who can guide you through your issues with sexual abuse, someone who understands, someone who knows. This can help as you go through therapy tremendously.
My family is very sexually deviant. I was not raped but could not have a happy life until I dealt with the far reaching effects of my childhood. My SAnon sponsor and the other women in my group made me feel accepted in a way I'd never known before. And because they had found a way out of their darkness, I came to trust that I could, too.
Smiles, hugs, and kleenexes,
Delphine