Hello all,
I have read thru some of the posts here and am glad I found this group. I was raised by nparents. Having said that I just went to therapy for help in dealing with my nmom as my dad died in 2002. Well, so much for thinking all my issues were with her. It seems the more I read, the more I am learning that I am also an N. It also looks like I am a perfectionist and have lots of anxiety. It has not been pretty. The more I am remembering about my childhood ( I have a horrible memory and the therapist told me that is because I didn't want to remember) the worse I feel I am acting out especailly to my children. It kills me that I am acting this way yet I don't know how to turn it off. I yell at them and then I have such guilt. I don't want them to feel the way I do and trying to learn a new way of parenting seems like such an ungraspable dream.
Jennifer
I am not an expert on the subject, but several things that you say indicate to me at least that you are not an N. First of all, you think you might be, and Ns tend not to think that way. Second, you feel guilty when you yell at your kids. Ns don't. They feel remorse when they get caught out, but generally not guilt. Thirdly, you ask for help. Ns never ask for help because they are perfect, and perfect people don't need help.
Fourthly, you said thanks. Ns hate saying thanks because it admits that you met a need of theirs, and they have no needs.
Children of Ns tend to be perfectionist, to meet their parents demands, and also tend to be anxious, because they can't be perfect enough. Neither of those characteristics makes you an N. I have them both, too, and I try to put the perfectionism where it belongs; in heaven. I think to myself that nothing this side of heaven is ever going to be perfect, and that helps a lot. It makes goals much easier to set and achieve.
At present you are dealing with a whole lot of childhood issues, many of which are impossibly difficult, and meanwhile, you want to learn a new way of parenting.
I would advise that you change your perspective on yourself and try to get a different view. Although you are not an N, your internal view of who you are and what you should achieve is contaminated by your parents' thinking, so that you are setting your sights impossibly high, and are bound to feel more and more anxious, and more and more of a failure. You have transferred the needs of perfectionism to the therapy and are now trying to be the perfect client, as well as the perfect parent. That is too many demands for one person!!!!!!!
I don't know how old your children are, but did you try to potty train them at the same time as teaching them their alphabet and their times tables?? This is in effect what you are trying to do with yourself (because our parents did it with us, and still do, and make us feel inadequate if we can't manage it).
You do not have to be the perfect parent. You are already the perfect mum for your children because you are the only mum they have or will ever have. It is not something you have to prove. After that, you only have to be good enough for today. And if today is not as good as you would like, then there is always tomorrow. And once in a while you will realise that you have had an extra special, almost perfect day with them, but that is not for every day.
I always find therapy very tiring and very difficult. I think you need to make sure you have videos and a pizza that night, and give yourself some space. Then choose another night away from the therapy for the 'quality time' parenting.
The main thing is that you care about your kids, and worry about them. Ns only care about what they are entitled to from their kids, and only worry about not getting it.
Nope, you don't look anything like an N to me.
Good luck
Cathy
