A small voice

[Anonymous]

I'm quietly back after some intensive energy field therapy.  Things are evolving slowly.  Mostly I feel exasperation - I've been here so often before in my life.  What's the point?  I should know by now that I will remain unappreciated and unrecognised - the 'story' of my life.

I recognise that it is also my (N)mother's story.  The sins of the fathers...

But I am pleased that there continue to be turning points with my own son.  I no longer fear that one day he might take his own life for the same reasons I might have.

I do not feel as robust as I was - but perhaps that simply means that I have given up the need to fight.  It does not mean that I am not resilient - or that anyone else has 'beaten me down'.  Perhaps at the end of all this lies some peace of mind and a calmer life.

I still cannot cope with direct contact with my (elderly) Nmother.  She made an unexpected phone call a couple of weeks ago.  I did my best to be calm and accommodating and caring but had to close the connection.  She, too, had started well - clearly determined to be reasonable and assertive - but within seconds I found myself struggling to withstand the onslaught, assert reality, re-compose myself.

After I closed the connection, I sobbed (and worse) with frustration for half an hour.  My husband made the point that, whilst more dramatic, I was 'over it' in a much shorter time - previously it had taken me weeks to recover from a phone call.  He was pretty good too as he was able to 'allow' me to be  upset and still be supportive.  We've been through a few more turning points ourselves...

I realise now that all my mother needs is a football to kick around.  Something sets off her anxiety, her panic, her shame and everything piles up together.  She is not able to take responsibility for what's happened or holding it together long enough to process it - so she looks for the nearest target to unleash it all on. And she justifies it from a position of 'poor little ol' me'.  (Huh!)

The Social Services phoned me a couple of days later and were amazed to discover that she has been using her cheque book etc independently - she's been telling them that I 'hold the purse strings', leave her short of money, and what did she do to deserve a daughter like me.  (Not enough, not enough!!!)

Every day there's a small step back to recovery from my addiction to her chaos and pain!  (What will I do without it?!)
R

[Nic]

Hi Rosencrantz,
I see you keep returning to the abatoir! Hmm, why?..congrats however in coming out of it quicker.
It's not easy..in your post you say you had to cut the connection when you last spoke to you Nmom...perhaps you should cut the connection..cut the connection..There is no need to stop talking to your N mother unless you choose to do that..you can work on cutting the emotional connection.  How Nic How?? I can almost feel the frantic energy you get into when you are disappointed by your N mother..well dare I say, change your mindset.
Wake up tomorrow morning and convince yourself, that is, your day to day self, that your mom is sick..not just elderly ( because in our society some elderly Ns use that as the ultimate excuse along with all the other ones ), as in lost her marbles completely sick.
I tried that with my parents and it's working now.  It's my default mechanism the moment I feel guilt and shame at not having anything to do with them anymore.  I see them as two out of control sick people, i visualize them in their own world ( sometimes a cage! yup!) , far from me where they can't reach me and hurt me anymore.
Rosie, I had to make a conscious decision that I couldn't/wouldn't take the abuse anymore.  Freedom has no price, intellectually I know that..but somedays Freedom has a big price in my emotions, if i allow myself to go there..that's when the guilt and morose melancholy hit.  I have to stop the tide of forty years of emotional abuse and voicelessness from rolling in.  I push it back, back out to sea..back to where it belongs..the abyss that is the unhappy world of the Narcissist.
 Some days, when I'm more cheerful about the whole thing, and I get a little bout of guilt and that awful foreboding feeling of doom..I picture Dame Edna Everidge ( you know her right?) when she tells her audience that she put her mother in a " maximum security twilight home"..and then I laugh and laugh until i've convinced myself that with my N parents, indeed within the confines of that horrible system is definetely NOT ( as in NO LONGER) where I want to be.
chin up and on with your REAL life, the one without the crap your N mother handed you..you're right She didn't do enough.But it's been quite enough! *arghh*
Try and tune it out now that you know what it feels like..turn down the volume of the N world and turn up the volume of your life of peace and joy to which you are fully entitled.
blessings,
Nic

I don't think you're addicted to your mom's conflict and pain, no not you, a habit is easier to break than an addiction assuredly!  Like all of us you've been programmed, press rewind and start again..easier said than done I know 'cos I've been there.
I was telling someone just this evening that in our talks together I now feel genuine and authentic, because I can relate completely to her situation as an ACON.  It feels good to know that I am authentic and genuine and sincere because my parents spent forty years imposing their worldview on me, a worldview that excluded authenticity and genuineness. A nano- second of these two was never without retribution.
ciao again!

[rosencrantz]

Hello Nic - good to hear your voice again!

The irony of the phone call is that we had a power cut which fused the 'Caller Display' on the phone and that morning I was expecting a call from someone else - otherwise I wouldn't have picked up.

You suggest that it's possible to speak to her without having the emotional connection.  Well, in the 'old' days, I had reached a point of handling her which was much more healthy for ME - in my ignorance I treated her with contempt, irritation, etc which I just can't do any more.  I don't know why her power has suddenly loomed so large.  It isn't 'just' related to my father dying as it started before that.

Perhaps the true emotions - the pain et al - have been on their way up and out for many years like the lava of a volcano whose time to erupt has come.  But I'm glad of that - without it I would have still lacked the knowledge which ultimately will mean real healing for me and as much of the wider family as will accept the truth.

If I am authentic, then what she does WILL hurt me. And now I guess I must overcome it rather than deny it and squash it away in some hiding place and run from it in ever-increasing activity.  

She will never appreciate me, never give me recognition, never say 'enough'.  Until I accept that, I'm still trying to get that recognition and appreciation from the rest of the world : caring too much, getting too involved, 'doing' too much, expecting too much of others...But however much appreciation I get from the rest of the world, it will never fill the void that my relationship with her has left.

But, you know, I feel at my most 'together' right now.  I'm centred on the real problem between her and me and between me and the rest of the world.   I no longer fear that my impact on the rest of the world will be to make people ill because I know I didn't make my mother ill!!  Her need to blame me no longer has an impact.

The 'rest of the world' has accepted that my mother has 'mental health' problems.  Well, that's a step forward, at least.
R