ick... feeling ill.......

[d's mom]

hi brigid:

"If I did not feel that I had good control over how this divorce situation would play out where my kids were concerned, I'm not sure what I could be capable of. I would be like a trapped mother bear and it would not be pretty."


im glad to hear things are fairly on track for you that way... divorces suck..:}  but you hit the nail on the head... the parent thing, its just not controllable. its like a fight or flight response. it comes from so deep in my brain - way before i can do anything to stop it. its just there.  all i can do, is deal with the aftermath.... that could be partly the PTSD as well. i dont know.

its not a 'normal' feeling of being upset. its something deep in my brain that i just cant control. its like jumping when someone startles you. how can you 'not' do that? > it happens before you even know it.



"If I were in your shoes, my anger would have to be channeled into action. I feel there should be somewhere you could go or someone to talk to who could help you with this from a legal standpoint...."


yes, there should, shouldnt there......!!  and yet, there isnt. i have put my best effort toward it for over three years..  its not a good feeling, i am such a good problem solver, and have given it so much  effort, and just keep coming up empty.... i need to find advocates, who will work for free basically. every day i work to find them.


"I'm grasping at straws here, but I feel your helplessness and desperation and want to offer some suggestions, however lame they may be."


it helps so much just to know, that people 'get it'... and, to have people just to toss ideas around with.  you are the first people that will even discuss it with me in all this time.  thats 99% of my 'problem'..  having a support system, will give me the strength to go on trying to solve this. really i cant go on alone anymore pretty much.

i appreciate you being part of my support system, it will give me strength to get back up and keep at it. thats what i need.
take care brigid. thank you soooooooooooo much
Anna

[d's mom]

hi mum   thanks for your patience and on the other threads.


"Anna: I just reread what I wrote, and I know I am hard to follow....bear with me, for if I edit too much, I will lose my passion and train of thought."


I understand you. i write that way too - 'stream of consciousness'.




"So are you ready for step two? (it involves taking your power back and no longer identifying yourself as a victim). Maybe you are not ready, and that's totally cool."


well.... yes.... i dont call myself a victim.... i feel i am a 'target'. and also a 'survivor'.  that is alright. i am going to write in another post, what it is i think, that is making me be stuck. i have been working many years to unstick, this recent event really set me back a long way...... which in a way, p's me off more than anything! i had made so much progress... and then, this... will i never be free?

you know. im almost 40. im ready to be happy for once. i just want to be happy for -one- year of my life. how pathetic does that sound. ick.

all day i have thought about what you and GFN and the others have said. about being stuck and unstuck. i think that emotoins from the past are easier to let go of. they are not happening anymore.

its emotions from right now, that are more tricky and giving me more issues. also the fact that i have PTSD, i think probably makes my brain 'stickier' becuase thats the nature of ptsd..... you are 'triggered' and it ties all into past trauma and its difficult to separate it out. you said before, that when people know the entire picture of my life, they would understand my feelings better, and that is sooooooooo true.   there have just been too many injuries over and over again, in a row with no healing in between.

i *want* to become unstuck. i have worked hard for years to do it. so, the groundwork is there and the discipline is there and the habits are there to slowly change myself. ive made miles of progress in the last years and miles in just the last few days.  i just need to apply them to what is happening right now in the present. you guys are helping me see different angles to what is going on.



"In the meantime, I hope you will see, at least a glimpse, of how beautiful your life will be. It will happen. When you start seeing those little bits of light through the fog of your pain, you will find a path toward it........and then you can take little steps. I know it sounds so airy fairy...if you met me, you wouldn't think I was an airy fairy type at all (so you would really laugh) but I do believe in love...."


sometimes i see a time way in the future, when i might be free again. its not very often though. mostly i see needless destruction that i cant find an explanation for.  ((

& it doesnt sound airy fairy! im the original airy fairy. i would never accuse you of that! >  not me :} belief in love and positivity is the only reason im breathing today.

ok: thank you for your suggestions and encouragement. yes i am ready for step two. first though, i need to make it understood the whole picture... then i will start figuring out what parts of it can be let go.

thanks again for your patience.
Anna

[d'smom]

d's mom,

I don't enjoy caving in. I don't enjoy submitting to another's will. I don't enjoy doing things I don't want to do. It's not in my personality either.  I'm not a doormat. Unfortunately adult life requires some caving in. Because we have decided that for the good of another person, because we care about that person, and we are able to "take it" because we're an adult, we do what we have to do.

i dont think someones a doormat becuase they meet others in the middle or compromise or cooperate.... i call that being reasonable..... its just that respect needs to be earned..... bullies and stuff, i feel kind of strongly you have to stand up to them. i got almost nothign of value from my mother but she had one good saying - "there is some sh=t i will not eat". i think its important to know what sh=t in life you will refuse to eat.....

Anger and fury can be expressed healthily by venting to others, through art, exercise, any creative activity.

sounds good. thank you.

[Anonymous]

Hi Anna:

I'm glad you feel the support of others here and I'm sure this is a good thing for you.  Keep posting.

Maybe there are two anger issues???
Anger from the past.....re stuff they did and stuff that happened and anger generated because of all that.

And anger that generates currently because of their present behaviour etc??

The bongo drums, excercise, art, venting, etc are good for the old anger...to help let it go and the imagining funny/strange visions of your parents, while on the phone, might be the way to diffuse or even prevent current anger from taking a seat.  (by the way.....I laughed out loud about the fork thing!  That's wicked and too funny!  I do think that vision reinforces a negative behaviour on your part though....sorry.  Stabbing them over and over with a fork might become an acceptable idea and then what???  I don't blame you one bit, so I hope I haven't offended you by saying that.  It's just that you may not have thought of this...so I wanted to just say it.  Thinking up a picture/vision of them with worms or some other equally ridiculous scene and using it over and over...will probably only reinforce the idea that they are jerks/idiots/weirdos/nutbars.  Better for you.....that way you won't be tempted to carry out any unacceptable act.

Also.......another idea.......visualizing a huge, impenetrable, solid, brick, steel, rock wall ......surrounding you....whenever you have contact??  This might be another way to help deflect their attacks and prevent feeling angry.  Their words simply cannot get past that wall.  

i can rise to anything.

Thata girl!!!  Now you're talkin'!  You can too!  And this will help you to feel stronger, to move forward, to reach your goal, to be the best you can be for yourself and your daughter!!

Good for you Anna!!  Keep at it!!!

GFN