just wondering

[Hopalong]

Hi Bets,
I know (x2) how very painful the transition out of marriage is.
At the same time, when you look back, I discovered that you realized there were all sorts of parallel tracks of growth and discovery and suffering and pleasures and friendship and learning.

When you look back, those will still be part of the weave. You're removing a big dark thread, but the warp and woof are still there and still strong. And you'll have room and time to weave in some amazing things.

Hops

[betr4]

I need that encouragement Kate.  Thanks. 
I am feeling like I am emotionally letting go.
I keep having the thought that I need to be angry and I can hear myself say "You should have thought about that before you left".
I tried to be forgiving all those years and I "let" myself be blamed for everything.  I did get angry but the anger was fueling his behavior and he used it to justify everything he did. 
This is a different anger.  It's awareness not pain.  The anger caused by the pain caused me to strike out and try to make it stop.  Caused things to get worse. 
I don't have to stop or fix anything right now.  I just feel anger that I let a n control me with the same relentless insanity for so long.
Knowing wht is really happening and the truth about the n is causing my feelings to change. I feel relief.  I want to keep on working through this.   
BR

[betr4]

Thanks Kate,

Now I'm thinking.   Can't save what isn't or never was there.
I was living in another's illusion and my own delusion.  Obviously.

THERE NEVER WAS A MARRIAGE
I WAS LIVING SOMEONE ELSE'S LIE AND ALMOST WENT CRAZY TRYING TO PROVE IT!  NOW I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING!
BR

[lighter]

That was an amazing thread.

You're right bet.... there never was a marriage.  It was all in your head and what a strong person you are to have kept it all together and kept it alive for so long.

Time to let him go.... time to take care of yourself. 

No more resources in his direction, all for you now.

Much harder than it sounds but you can figure that out too.

Good luck.