Diabetic people will always have diabetes. They can control it and live a calmed life, but never normal life, they have to writre what they eat, messure insuline, inject them selves several times a day and constantly they have exacerbations or lose of control, ups and downs of blood sugar, etc. But they continue living and get used to the "incovenients" of having a chronic disease.
I wanted to call the thread exorcism but I did not want to put that word in the title. So I put it here.
Exorcism
It is like exorcism. I want to feel good, I want to feel good. I want to feel good. But somebody gives me a look, and I feel like I am going to die. Then, I start the exorcism. Mirror work, mirror work. Got to the mirror, now, go to the mirror. Look in to my eyes, and say, I love my self, I love my self, I love you, I love you. Hummm, who are you kidding? I say it but do not really feel it. Them listen to tapes, the tapes say, you cannot control other people’s thoughts, we can only control our thoughts. I cannot even control mine. So, why to allow somebody else to define us when their thoughts are totally beyond our control?
It is the middle of the day, I start feeling better. I want to feel good, I want to feel good. That is a start. Thank you God. Suddenly, somebody acts condescendent, or mistreats me, or rejects me. Count, just count, one, two, three…….breath slowly, in and out, count again, relax. Go to the mirror, say I love you anyway, listen to your tape, God is with you, you are not alone, God is taking care of you, God loves you. Nobody is out to get you. The day is going, it is the afternoon, I am exhausted. Why am I so much rejected, or why does it hurt so much. I think I know. Why do I feel so bad to the point that I cant live? I think I know. My legs do not support me, my arms are so heavy. I am so tired. I am exhausted.
Since one year ago, I started educating my self, reading books, listening to tapes, work on detachment and forgiveness. Now, at least I can go home and enjoy my rest at home. I am not dwelling in the problems I had last week. I am not dwelling in the rejection of my coworkers, anymore, they have shrunk. I can enjoy my weekends and feel that God will help me to find a new job or fix the things in the old job. I am not constantly worrying as I used to. I have less fear. My stomach hurts less. Stil hurts but it is less. There is progress.
It is like Diabetes. It never disappears. Just that you control it to a point that allows you to live and continue living. It is a constant battle. Mirror work, suggestion tapes, books, meditation, so much work, so much time consuming, to erase the false tapes recorded in your brain, like PTSD. Constant pain, loneliness and sensation of abandonment. Forever. It is like in the bible it is written when the prophets told demons, I command you demon, to leave this body, and they did. And I command you, false tapes, to leave my brain alone. That is why I called it exorcism. With the difference that at least I can go home and enjoy my rest, which I never could before. Thank you Lord.
