Why Does This Bother Me Still?????

[gratitude28]

I am able to let go of almost everything with NM. She rarely features in my life at this point. Sadly, the kids know she does not care for them. My sister sees that she is not a whole person. My dad has found a way to reconnect with his family and friends now that he is retired and fighting cancer, and he seems not to let her separate him from life any more.

BUT- the issue that still bothers me is how my parents deal with money. NM 'does the money' for them. This means that although they are near 70, their hoarder-style house is nowhere near paid off. She buys herself crap daily from stores and online and throws the items in the basement once she has played with them once. A year ago, my sister and I talked to them and told them we were worried about the state of the house and dad's health. He kept getting pneumonia. Dad agreed it was time to have someone help them and they brought in people (my gosh, the thought is so embarrassing) and had them empty the basement. I am not kidding when I tell you they found a dead cat there that they could not locate for months.

So dad retired and my parents went on a stricter budget. NM started  visiting my sister and her kids (likely out of boredom). The she inherited money from a relative, and now she is back to filling the house up with dollar store junk mixed in with $1000 lamps. The house smells, is full of cat shit, and dust and cobwebs line every corner. You can hardly breathe while inside, which I am sure is terrible for my dad while on chemo.

Throughout our lives, when NM had no money to buy us nice clothes and I cowered every time I asked for anything for school, money was wasted buying pets, toys, hobby equipment for my parents. We bought a crappy house so that there would be money to spend on junk. Dad spent 45 years working his ass off being told he did not make enough money.

So... why can't I let this go???? It's not my problem or my life. I rarely see them at their place, and when we do, we stay at my sister's now. Dad would love to have a home where he could have us and the kids, but NM couldn't be bothered to clean up or make a bed for us.

Input? So many times you all have had great thoughts and I have been able to put issues to rest.

xxoo Beth

[Hopalong]

That is heartbreaking, Beth. It sounds like hoarding.
No shame for you...if that's what it is, it really is a compulsion and an illness.
(And no shame for you anyway!)

I wish you could invite your Dad to live with you, just swoop
him out of there. But that might overwhelm your happiness and it's
easy for someone else to say.

This must make you so very sad. I understand your anger at her too.

Have you thought of making an appointment with a geriatric
care manager, or even alerting Elder Protective Services in their town?
A situation like that that is harming an old man's health can be
dealt with by public authorities.

I'm so sorry.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Gratitude:

I'm sorry this is an ongoing frustration, and worry for you.....

of course it is...... Mom's not going to change.

I have nothing to offer, and the flashes of you on HOARDERS TV program battling your mother on the air keep popping into my head and horrifying me.

I think the fact there are no solutions, no win win answers......

everything's a lose lose proposition, and it's hard to make peace with that.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hon, it's not just you and your family, OK?

There's my mom... I was so concerned that she was unable to care for my step-dad properly that I did involve the agencies. She blustered & scared them away.

There's my hubby's aunt... where literally the house is so full, she is now stuffing abandoned vehicles... and people guess she sleeps standing up.

And my DIL's grandmother...

Sometimes you just have to make up your mind, to not let it bother you anymore.

[Twoapenny]

I seem to remember reading somewhere that hoarding is to do with making yourself feel secure.  Most of us have enough food in the freezer for a few meals in case we can't get to the shops, a bit of money tucked away just in case, a few tins in case there's a power cut and we've got to heat beans on a camp stove (and I think anything like that is considered normal).  Then you go to the whole other extreme, as you describe in your mum's case.  The shopping thing is something I notice with my mum as well; if it's a bargain she has to have it, if it's cheap she has to buy it just because it's so cheap, yet at the other end of the scale she'll spend a fortune getting all her curtains hand made when she could buy ready made for a fraction of the cost.  As far as I'm aware they've currently got five vehicles (for two of them) - no-one needs that many.  They've spent a fortune over the years on holidays, doing up the house, cars, clothes - the last time I was in my mum's house she had three double wardrobes full of clothes and shoes (one was just coats), plus sets of drawers and drawers under the bed etc.  She doesn't hoard in the way your mum does but she spends money on crap she doesn't need (she'll even take out a loan just because the interest rate is low, even if she doesn't need to buy anything with it).

Maybe not being able to let it go is to do with what she didn't buy you as a child?  Maybe some journalling or inner child stuff would help with it?  Maybe your little one is still waiting for that school trip or a beautiful party dress?  I've no objection to hand me down clothes, I use them a lot for my son and don't see the point in spending a fortune, but there's always a balance.  In our house, all our clothes came from other people's older children and buying school shoes was a big deal, but there was always money for booze.  I remember my mum's nights out as a single parent.  I don't begrudge anyone a night out but I know I can't afford them very often, probably because I tend to get my son what he needs and I have what's left over.  It seemed the other way round when we were kids.  So maybe the little child part of you is still angry/upset/hurt about it?

[Hopalong]

I think Beth's sorrow is mainly at seeing her elderly Dad kind of trapped by his wife's compulsion.

That's what made me sad about reading the story, anyway...

To know his health is endangered makes it harder to turn away.

xxoo
Hops

[gratitude28]

Thank you all for your responses.

Hops - yes, the situation with my dad bothers me a lot. Sometimes I am upset with him, too, for allowing her to act as she does and for not taking personal responsibility. But I also know that living with an N means putting up with a lot to avoid the nastiness.... I feel sad often that he chose to live his life with her and repeat the relationship he had with his mother.

Two - Our moms sound very similar and our lives too. Yes, I am sure I have some risidual anger, although I have tried to let most of it go. I despise Christmas time when she acts like a spoiled brat and asks what the kids want, but there's always that line of asking too much when in fact we'd prefer not to really do gifts...

PR - I know you are right. I am always wondering if an agency will end up getting involved... if they will end up in the news. NM would never understand - she can't see how disgusting her surroundings are. Dad can, and that is what is sad.

Thanks for understanding, lighter. It's ugly no matter what way you look at it.

TT - the one thing I am truly happy about is that dad is reconnecting with his family and us. He finally feels a bit relaxed being retired, so he is happier than I have ever seen him.

Thank you all for your insight and input. It helps me a lot. I can't tell you how much of what you have shared I have used to make order of my life.

xo Beth