Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward

[Hopalong]

Oh my god.
Your last family meal required you to lie about your abuse, kiss the abuser, and pretend forthwith.

I would be angry while dealing with food too.

I'm SO glad you've made the connection. And now you can REclaim food, meals, nourishment from the incredible earth...as POSITIVE, self-love, delight, caring, strength, wellbeing, vigor, life itself. It can even become joyful.

It belongs to you now. Not the past.

Oh, yay.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Hops, it is much appreciated

Yes, I know!  I hadn't thought about that for such a long time but it really came rushing back yesterday.  Part of the problem - as I'm sure it is for many - is that abusive behaviour was so normal in our house.  People who didn't indulge were considered odd, as were people who didn't drink, who spoke to their kids politely, spent time with them, played games with them, things that other people consider normal were considered weird in our home and all the horrible disgusting stuff that went on was considered perfectly fine.  Funny how those things can affect you in such inoccuous ways for so many years to come.

I am, bizarrely, finding that I am enjoying being organised!  I always feel under constant pressure and that I'm not doing enough (or doing it well enough) because my to do list just never gets shorted and I always seem to just rush about endlessly until I conk out and can't do anything at all.  When I try and build in relaxation time or just take a break I'm so conscious of the pressing need to 'get things done't that I can't relax and just get stressed out about the whole situation.  But this seems to be working better.  I did a plan for the week and put in things that were already booked.  Then I had a list of things that I need to do - bank, groceries, dropping thank you letters off and so on - and I've put those in around the things we're already out doing, so that I'm not constantly driving from one place to another (I seem to do that a lot).  Then I looked at food and meal planned for the week so that we've got slow cooker dinners on busy days when we're home late and I've cooked extras so we've got lunches already prepared from the night before.  That's helped a lot, I've found already.  And then I've fitted in jobs to do at home around everything else and I'm suprised at how much I'm getting done and how much easier it has felt.  Normally I'm exhuasted by this point of the week but I woke up this morning feeling pretty perky and quite keen to get on with some more!  I will let you know how things go but it is definitely feeling good at the moment!

[sKePTiKal]

An idea that helped me get my inner "to do" list under control...

was that I came to think about decluttering, dust bunny removal, and general sprucing up... as a gift to myself. Making a space for myself to relax in, breathe better and enjoy things in. The piles of paper and general disarray act like sensory overstimulation on me; they evoke that general anxiety, restlessness, discontent that literally wears a person down into "I don't care anymore-ness", even "I don't see it anymore-ness". It literally causes me to hold excess tension in my body, as if I'm poised to begin a wrestling match!! It's exhausting and a waste of energy.

At the same time, there's a bit of creative "nesting" involved too. Just little things like re-arranging decorative items - maybe filling a vase with flowers - making little "still life arrangements" on tabletops; it's sort of a form of expression.

[Twoapenny]

An idea that helped me get my inner "to do" list under control...

was that I came to think about decluttering, dust bunny removal, and general sprucing up... as a gift to myself. Making a space for myself to relax in, breathe better and enjoy things in. The piles of paper and general disarray act like sensory overstimulation on me; they evoke that general anxiety, restlessness, discontent that literally wears a person down into "I don't care anymore-ness", even "I don't see it anymore-ness". It literally causes me to hold excess tension in my body, as if I'm poised to begin a wrestling match!! It's exhausting and a waste of energy.

At the same time, there's a bit of creative "nesting" involved too. Just little things like re-arranging decorative items - maybe filling a vase with flowers - making little "still life arrangements" on tabletops; it's sort of a form of expression.

Skep, you are so right!  I am enjoying being in my sitting room more, simply because it's less cluttered and I've got rid of the piles of paper that were constantly shouting "sort me out!".  I've realised how much stuff I do to make life easier for other people; sending emails just to let people know I've done x, y and z, checking and double checking things, filing things 'in case I need them' and so on.  I had a big pile of paper on my desk today and I went through it and just picked out the things that would be detrimental to me in some way if I didn't deal with them.  There was one bill that needed to be paid and that was it, everything else was just stuff that I don't need to bother with, so I binned it   I've still got Christmas presents sitting in my kitchen that I haven't dropped off yet; usually I'd have run myself ragged before Christmas getting things to people but I didn't this year and I've still not seen these people; usually I put them first but I haven't this time (and next year I won't be doing presents for them; it's another one of those things I do 'because I ought to' and I'm going to invent some sort of machine that slaps me every time I think that in the future).  But you lose the self expression in sorting out all this unnecessary stuff, don't you.  I've got a big box of craft 'projects' I'm going to sort through tomorrow; some of that's been sitting there for years now and I really want to get rid of it - it's another thing that I don't get time for and it's silly to hang on to it.

[Hopalong]

I'm so glad you've brought up paper organization, Tupp.
It's the weakest area of my life and right now it's essential that I deal with it.
(I'm talking MONTHS of unopened mail, no clear budget, etc. When the unemployment "cushion" runs out I could be in deep doodoo. Not from spending, just from inattentiveness...part of my ADD.)

I have just hired a neighbor who's good at paper sorting to come help.
She's a few minutes late and I got scared. (She's still coming.)

It is ridiculous. Absurd. Embarrassing. (My house looks tidy, I hide the piles.)

And it's another thing that I approach with fear. This time, or this day, I'm going
to feel the fear and do it anyway. She might even make it fun.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm so glad you've brought up paper organization, Tupp.
It's the weakest area of my life and right now it's essential that I deal with it.
(I'm talking MONTHS of unopened mail, no clear budget, etc. When the unemployment "cushion" runs out I could be in deep doodoo. Not from spending, just from inattentiveness...part of my ADD.)

I have just hired a neighbor who's good at paper sorting to come help.
She's a few minutes late and I got scared. (She's still coming.)

It is ridiculous. Absurd. Embarrassing. (My house looks tidy, I hide the piles.)

And it's another thing that I approach with fear. This time, or this day, I'm going
to feel the fear and do it anyway. She might even make it fun.

love
Hops

Aw Hops, I wish we were neighbours, I love sorting out piles off stuff!  Particularly other people's, it's so much easier than dealing with your own.  I did read a book called 'The Fifteen Minute Rule' by Caroline Buchanan and found that very helpful; it's basically about getting on with things and breaking big, scary tasks down into easy to manage chunks.  I found that very useful, particularly when I'm dealing with paperwork regarding my son's health problems which always ends up making me feel sad and/or angry as I have to keep listing all the things he can't do.  I also use Rescue Remedy.  I don't know if you can get that in the States?  But it's just a flower based preparation that helps to calm nerves and make the brain a little more willing to get on with things.  Although I don't have ADD so perhaps it wouldn't help in the same way?  I hope your neighbour has helped you sort through some of the piles though, I bet you will feel better about it once you're over that first hurdle xx

[Twoapenny]

Well I sorted out a load of paperwork to do with my son's next clinic appointment; this is a new place that I'm hoping can help with his feeding problems which have been going on for nearly fourteen years now, without anyone being able to find a way to improve his situation.  This is a new place, expensive, but I've been saving his disability money and if it helps him to eat a better diet (and makes my life easier because I won't have to lug food around everywhere we go) then it will be money well spent.

I've also spent a lot of time watching television today and I have forced myself not to give myself a hard time about it!  I work hard (and even on a day like today when I'm not doing much I'll still put in a good three to four hours with my boy just doing the bare minimum with him so we both have a break from each other) but I always see spending time watching televison as wrong somehow.  But there was a lot of forensic crime drama that I hadn't seen and I love that sort of thing so I've sat and enjoyed a break and enjoyed what I was watching.  There's still time to do a bit of painting and I know I will feel much better tomorrow for not having done too much today.

[Hopalong]

Oh my Lord.
Fortunately you inspire more than intimidate me Tupp!

If only you knew how much TV I have piped into my brain in recent years.
It's embarrassing.

You monitor yourself more relentlessly than anybody else ever did, I would bet.

I admire and envy your productivity. It's like we're coming at it all from two totally
different directions...I'm trying to un-freeze myself from deer-in-headlights-do-nothing mode,
and you're trying to stop working so frantically, so you can savor the rest of your life.

Somewhere in between those poles is the Perfect Person nobody's ever met!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh my Lord.
Fortunately you inspire more than intimidate me Tupp!

If only you knew how much TV I have piped into my brain in recent years.
It's embarrassing.

You monitor yourself more relentlessly than anybody else ever did, I would bet.

I admire and envy your productivity. It's like we're coming at it all from two totally
different directions...I'm trying to un-freeze myself from deer-in-headlights-do-nothing mode,
and you're trying to stop working so frantically, so you can savor the rest of your life.

Somewhere in between those poles is the Perfect Person nobody's ever met!

hugs
Hops

Aw Hops I know what you mean, that happy balance somewhere in the middle is where we all long to be!  I struggle with that; I find standing still so scary!  I'm reading about mindfulness at the moment, being present, only thinking about what you are actually doing at the time and not thinking about what you're doing next.  And as I've spent my entire life not only planning what I'm doing (in order to avoid setting off the H bomb at home) but also second guessing what everyone else is doing as well I find just being in the moment and only thinking about what I'm doing at the time incredibly hard.  But I'm having a go and it is happening a little bit every now and again.  And yes, I have watched mountains of television over the years; again, it takes my mind off my own situation and I can escape to fantasy; for me it's fantasising that I wrote the amazing crime drama that's unfolding before me.  I've always read a lot for the same reason; as a child I can remember literally spending every spare minute in my room imagining that I was with the Famous Five on Kirrin Island helping them solve the mystery   There is something about unlocking puzzles that I enjoy.  Watching TV isn't a bad thing, I just now that there's so much more I'd like to be doing with my life and it just isn't an option at the minute.  Sometimes there's a lot of day to fill up and if I'm making myself not rush around then the options indoors are TV or reading.  I am trying to develop more hobbies but I do find my head needs a break sometimes and I need to fill it up with something someone else has done.  I suppose it's to do with not having company or seeing people very often - there's no-one else's input to feed off for a short while so I'm constantly having to entertain myself and I find it tiring!

Here's to middle ground and finding some place in between that works (although it sounds to me like you're getting out of 'deer-in-the-headlights' mode pretty well at the minute xx

[Twoapenny]

Do you know, it's funny, Hops, but I've been thinking about that deer-in-a-headlight- mode since I read what you wrote and I realised (as I was washing the walls ready to start painting) that I am frozen like that but I hide it by looking busy all the time and being too 'busy' to go and do what I want to do.  I think I'm just as scared of striking out and actually getting somewhere as I am of striking out and failing or not striking out at all.  I've often said of myself that I'm constantly running just to stand still and that's how my life's always felt, always working, always busy, always trying but never getting anywhere (or at least not getting any further than getting myself out of crisis after crisis).   And I think it's probably just another variation of deer-in-the-headlights except this deer looks like he's trying to run but can't!

I found with my planning for the week last week that I put too much in each day and so didn't finish the list, which then meant moving those jobs onto the next day and so on.  So when I sat down and planned yesterday I've purposely put far, far less in each day to make it more achievable.  When I looked at the list this morning I realised I actually felt scared of being able to cross everything off it before I go to bed tonight.  It's 8 am here and I'm already half way through it.  And the thought of being able to cross everything off and perhaps sit down this evening feeling that I've done a complete day feels very alien to me and very scary.  I'm aware, as all of this is going through my mind, that a big thing with my mum is not being better than her, and I wonder if that's something to do with living in a state of chaos all the time (for me, at least)?  She was a perfect housekeeper, very good cook, the garden was always immaculate, she grew her own veg, always paid bills on time and could stretch a little money a long way.  But that's her domain and I know how uncomfortable she gets if she doesn't have anything to criticise and that's when she gets nasty.  I've wondered in the past if her allegations against me were a way of knocking me back down again, because they often came during a change in my life which 'may' have made life better for us.  I wonder if she sees that as a threat and if that's something to do with me not 'getting there', for fear of displeasing her.  I had really thought I had all this mum stuff licked but it seems that's not quite the case.

Anyway - I'm rambling!  Just wanted to say thanks because that comment really made me think and I think it's shifted a few more things in my mind now.  I will send it back your way to shift some of that filing for you xx

[Twoapenny]

This is becoming a bit of a stream of consciousness for me but I find it helps to write things down as they pop into my head

Someone popped round to see us this afternoon and I appreciate the effort he's made to do so, but it made me realise that what I really crave in my life are people who have hopes and dreams and who are interested in my hopes and dreams as well.  I seem to know a lot of people who are just sort of sitting - they've no desire for anything to change really, or any big sort of dreams and ambitions they want to fulfill - they're not working towards something and I always feel like I'm trying to head somewhere (not that I always know where, mind you!) and I really want to be around people who are enthusiastic about my hopes and dreams, rather than people who are disinterested or negative about them.  The person who popped round this afternoon told me a couple of weeks ago that he'd done enough travelling and now he was just sort of waiting to die - he's not even forty yet.  And that made me feel so sad, it's exactly the sort of life I don't want, where nothing changes, nothing happens.  There's still so much I want to do and I feel like I've had to delay things in order to sort my self out and get myself to a place where I could manage life instead of ricocheting through it.

On a slightly more practical note, there is a flat I've seen online, just posted today, looks like the right sort of place for us so fingers crossed we can go and have a look next week and maybe it will be the one

[Twoapenny]

I've realised I've mostly surrounded myself with people who are unhappy.  For whatever reason that may be, although outwardly some are successful, at the core many of them aren't happy people.  I'm not entirely sure why I've done this.  I know it's not been intentional but it is the situation I've ended up in somehow.  And I think that's why so many of them moan and complain a lot and just aren't generally great company.  Perhaps it's an aspect of myself I recognised and wanted to see in others, or perhaps I just take on waifs, strays and underdogs.  Maybe it's still co-dependency, or a need to be liked or to be seen as a good person.  I'm not sure.  Will think on it more.

In other news, only one room left to decorate.  It is the biggest and most cluttered room - I've saved the worst for last!  But will start getting on with it today, have been clearing out more stuff we don't need and took a load of things to the charity shop yesterday, have more to go today.

[Hopalong]

I just heard an unexpected quote on a daffy tv show,
wanted to share it.

Blood's thicker than water but love's thicker than blood.

What a better way of explaining PHamily.

Tupp, may you find love wherever you go.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Tupp... I totally relate to the always busy, to only stand still. My hubs was the total opposite - and even wore his "laziness" as he called as a brownie point or badge of "suthern honor". But when the laziness turned into not feeling well...

On my side of the spectrum, I started using 2x2 post it notes: my "list" for a day to fit on that post-it (and it had to be legible, too!). So, only 3-5 things "to-do" -- outside of the normal housework chores of living.

Now, even that plan is evolving. Part of my day is spent doing one or two paperwork things. And then, the rest is spent on physical work - either the sorting, organizing, purging or outdoor clean up. (Depending on the weather.) Immersion into one or the other to the exclusion (that day) of the other kind of "work"... feels wrong; so doing a little of both is helping me feel like I'm not neglecting one or the other categories.

[Twoapenny]

I just heard an unexpected quote on a daffy tv show,
wanted to share it.

Blood's thicker than water but love's thicker than blood.

What a better way of explaining PHamily.

Tupp, may you find love wherever you go.

love,
Hops

Aw thank you, Hops, I wish the same for you!  I do feel ready to receive which I haven't done for such a long time.  I'm looking forward to just feeling like there's a chance again, you know?  I haven't felt that way for so long now, it just feels nice to think that in a couple of months time I might be writing some nice posts about good things going on xx