Spouses and retirement--ouch!

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi everybody,

Here's a factoid from, of all places, the Fidelity Investments web site:

During retirement, 60% of men want to spend time with their wives, but only 43% of women want to spend time with their husbands.

(By then, women have long ago discovered who their husbands really are?)

All comments are welcome!

Richard

[Meh]

Well I am not retired and I don't have a spouse but I will take a stab at it.

The stereotype of females being the care takers. Its less pleasant to be a care taker than it is to be taken care of.

I mean I would prefer to have a wife over a husband. Having a husband is like having a baby or being a servant.

Having a wife is like having an obedient personal assistant.

I know it sounds like man bashing.

Somehow I also imagine that women are more likely to tag along with guys while they do guy things. I would figure guys are way less likely to tag along with a female who is shopping or whatever.

OR Maybe it's the age difference. Maybe the guy is more likely to be an invalid before the female is.

[gratitude28]

Very interesting. We just got to retired life. And we are working together now (so kind of retired - from the first job anyways). Life is definitely different. But I don't dislike being with my husband. I would say that maybe many people stay together for the kids and that women analyze things much more. Men are often content and not as worried about relationship issues unless they are brought to attention. Just musing here... I also wonder if humans were meant to be together for life or if that is a contract we placed on ourselves. At any rate, my husband and I seem to be in the small number of people who are enjoying being together
Beth

[Hopalong]

Hate to be so bleak, but I just think the entire culture is so dang horribly toxically sexist (and so much of that is inculcated in us all so young that I believe lifetime assumptions and habits that seem "natural" may also reflect internalized sexism in both genders) -- that many wives' hesitancy about the new joys of being home with spouse are natural.

There are glorious exceptions of course (mostly among millenials), but overall, most studies indicate that even in highly-evolved homes with feminist husbands, generally STILL, wives do more of the work of running a home. It's like, more of the tedious and "reminder" functions fall to her and she, perhaps unconsciously, accepts that duty. It's mentally draining to multi-task all the time.

Despite much-ballyhooed exceptions, women still earn about 75 percent of the male dollar overall throughout their lives. Women's bodies are objectified by media, by men, and by most women themselves. Women do the bulk of caregiving for children and elders. It's a pretty exhausting thing.

And there's no way, imo, that the outer reality of the culture which is so pervasive doesn't trickle into nearly every marital relationship. Even the most dedicated and loving ones.

When I meet a unicorn, I mean a happily committed male feminist who has truly thought through and recognized the multiple "micro" assumptions about who does what and why, who is paid what and why, etc. -- I am awed.

I would LOVE to marry one. Universe, Power That Be...please send me a 65-year-old unicorn. I will be VERY good to him. And I'll carry my load with a happy heart to have his company in old age.

Sigh,
Lonesome Hops

[sea storm]

What do you mean, you hate to be so bleak?  You are not bleak, the idea of women doing the most work is bleak. Bleak, bleak, bleak. Picture women on an assembly line working from morning to night, pick this up, wash that, stir the pot, wipe the nose, sort the laundry, get an education and support the family financially til you drop. That is bleak. And some hangover from the heroic days on the farm where everyone had to work very hard to survive. The Protestant work ethic to justify existance. When work is equally shared, even if it is hard work, it is so much easier to live together.  But waiting on someone where the work is not equally shared is frustrating.

What a relief to hear you say this society is sexist. It sure is. I don't think men will give up their power with joy though. They are blind to it.

Male unicorns sound lovely. I have known a couple of them. My dad could be one. When my mom went back to work as a nurse, dad just marshalled us kids and we had chores. He cooked dinner and we cleaned up. I learned to do the grocery shopping and he was really nice about it. Once I bought escargot with shells and he just tried em out and we did not have them again. Another one just knew instinctively to treat all people equally and  he was like a big, wild puppy but smart.

Things are shifting I think with the new generation and men are looking after children and having to experience housekeeping and child rearing. This has a humanizing effect.

I wish you a unicorn. He is probably trying to find you this very minute.

Love ya
Sea