Becoming "me"

[Gaining Strength]

I've just begun to read about the journey you are on.  The way you move through the visit ides of life carries with it a peace that reaches through  and comforts outward.  Your expression of your walk through this period of grief is beautiful Skepikal.  I am sorry to learn of your loss with Mikes passing. And I am heart warmed by reading about your steps towards his Remembrance.  As I read your posts, your preparation  touches me as a metaphorical, almost mythical embodiment of the cycle of life. 

I'm thinking of you.

[sKePTiKal]

Something in me, needs those rituals GS. I've still got a "receiving frequency" open listening for wisdom or mystery or guidance from the universe and no matter how much his quirks irritated me, the feeling was mutual (LOL)... and we fit together as persons, as well as could be expected. We met each others needs at a very spiritual level... and erased a lot of the pain we'd each experienced separately. Given my issues with relationships, and how different this was, I sorta gotta mark that gift in an appropriate way. I'm well aware that not everyone finds this kind of relationship.

But I am having my struggles too. Those days of racing thoughts, flittering around starting to work on 15 different things at once - and not really doing anything more than straightening my stacks of notes. And a heaviness; like trying to do everything with a big heavy wet blanket thrown over me. Flailing about in some search for normalcy, about how I spend my time - whether I go out, make phone calls, whatever. Wondering how it is, that I have 3 different places in the house with computers and if that's really necessary - and lots of trepidation still - about going into the official office and finishing the "reclaiming the space" I started in there, in November.

It hit me that this is anxiety again. Precisely a fear of taking care of myself (grocery shopping for something different to eat), and making decisions BY myself, for myself. The taboo monster is trying to scare me into doing nothing again (so I can kick myself and have to work twice as hard & fast later on). Because of all the definitions, descriptions, stages and perhaps even stereotypes about grief... I didn't really see this for what it was as it crept up on me. But yesterday I saw it clear. And then I grabbed that slimy weasel-worded little beast and punted it to the next county.

And I knew if I was going to be alone, I'd face this little slimeball a few times. And I am alone. By choice, intentionally, even when I'm lonely... and sad and anxious... because by myself I can actually see/hear/feel all the nuances in MY emotions without the interference or static of what other people's ideas about it are. I seek the counsel of men, mostly - my guy in charge at work, my online friends (I am literally seeing no one face to face, except the people I'm hiring - my "rent a man" guys). Because I know the difference in perception and thought process is something I NEED to balance my own ideas/ways of going about things. It's about learning to ask for help, without excuse or apology or shame...

Holly & I fought keeping the driveway passable one winter, on the homestead. Thanksgiving to April, it was ice. One day after we did battle with it again and were giving up, with our hand tools over our shoulders, (about 1/2 mile away from the house) the neighbor who lived back up the "hollar" - and was a REAL hermit stopped and asked if we'd accept a ride up to the house. After days & weeks of the same, trudging up that hill was the very last thing I thought I could do, and I accepted. And he said to both us, that no can do everything themselves - that God, the universe, always has a hand in it. And there is absolutely no shame in asking him/her for help... so why not each other? He's gone now; passed a couple years after I moved away. Even his cabin is gone. But I've always remembered what he said. (The ex would NEVER ask for help and insist it could be done alone. What was I?? Chopped liver??)

[sKePTiKal]

This week's adventure with the "Rent a Man" concept... (ie, contractors)

Two young guys showed up to address the plumbing "to-dos". They kept calling to postpone arrival. But what I needed wasn't functionally critical. Fix the cold water supply in the island from leaking; replace the garbage disposal in the downstair kitchen; and re-connect the icemaker on the wetbar. We'd previously had a drain issue that necessitated disconnecting it and neither Mike or I have much patience for dealing with plumbing issues. Re-connecting took a bit more work than anticipated as a result of some frustrated "git R done" techniques - LOL. I toyed with the idea of putting it in the poolhouse, where it would be more useful... but now, plans have changed. My goal is to simply have everything functional that's supposed to be functional, then I'll go from that point forward on decisions.

The electrician was the same way. Rescheduled a bunch of times before calling and leaving a message that he was already walking the yard. I was in the shower when he called. [1st bit of "not right" wariness for me. Now he was early.] My outdoor lighting was down to 1 lamp post (there are 5; looks like a park out front with everything lit up and that is a security feature). None of the low voltage, landscape and spot lights, dusk/dawn stuff was working. He said he'd find the problem.

Of course, that requires coming inside to the garage where the breaker panels are. And the mustang and the "beast" - a 78 CJ that was all kitted out for fighting brush fires in the mountains, that we spotted at the dealership one day. It was begging me to come home with me. Mr. Electrician began drooling over my "boy" toys. [Wariness #2]. I knew these two would be working all day. It's just that big of a project.

Meanwhile, the landscaper shows up. He's the hubby of the paralegal who helped me with probate and comes with some high level security background, too. He made mention of my Rubicon jeep... so I figured he needed to see the CJ... and electrician starts talking (in that "funnin'" guy sorta way, about me selling it to him). Mr. Security Guy shut him down in 15 words... and now my wariness alarm is going off big time. This guy just did me a big favor; protective... and reminding me that Mike's toys (now, my toys) are none of his damn business.

End of the day comes around, and he comes inside with the bill. Sure enough, he's worked here before -- with my storm shutter guys. I nicely shuttle him out and away from my dining room, where I still have estate stuff organized into different stacks. Here's you check, glad that job's done. And I could finally relax.

I woke up at 3:30 the next morning. I still only have the one lamp post on, and my solar lights. I go down and check the breaker. Yep; it's tripped... maybe he forgot to turn it back on. Talking too much, you know? So I reset it. Checked last night - NOPE, the circuit still has a short in it somewhere. He didn't only not find that, he didn't fix it. And while I know he's not a real risk to have working around here, his "helper" certainly gave me pause on first acquaintance. The $1500 lesson isn't completely wasted. He did replace 3 dusk to dawn sensors and changed all the light bulbs out front to LEDs. Monday, I call a reputable company. This guy got the job, when I called the mechanical company looking for a plumber... well, we don't do electrical, but I have a guy - want me to call him?

No, no, no, no, no.... Amber. First nice day, I've got to start cleaning up in that garage. I need to run myself through setting the alarms process again, and get the garage door keypads updated. I keep the storm shutters downstairs in the down position, to "lock up" the easy, out of sight access into the house - except for 1 window and door out to the patio, in case of fire and someone has to get out. The security system guy has been with us, since we moved in - and has been a great resource for us over the years.

But lesson learned: STOP telling people your husband died... even when they are nice, harmless guys... they will still take advantage.

[Gaining Strength]

"They will take advantage." 

A lesson I hated learning.  Even the cynach I am, I had thought the being widowed with a young child would bring the opposite.  No, no. 

[sKePTiKal]

I figured you could relate to that, GS. What a feeling, too, when I realized what had happened.

I immediately blamed myself, you know. For being foolish enough to make the information that I was alone clear; for being glad to see another face around here - and especially a guy who was going to "take care of" the things that need fixing. For trusting him not to take a mile, when I left him be to work, for "playing" and talking about Mike's toys. Overwhelming shame at being such a pushover and not more business-like. Luckily, with the landscaper and the plumber, the situation was completely different (although I was still the same person). They didn't play on my need for company (but didn't ignore me either); went about their business and made sure everything was straight and went on to the next job. They weren't interested in my "goodies" that Mike has collected.

At one point the electrician asked if I like to go out to eat and he recommended a seafood place. For a minute there, I wasn't sure if he was making a pass at me or not. About that time, I retreated into the house again - LOL. For as chatty as he was, he didn't talk much about what he found, what the problem was, and how he was going to fix it. I was not paying attention that day. That should've been my first clue. And YES, I am pretty well practiced at managing these kinds of guys... but to be fair, I've been off my game that way. It was just enough of a lesson; and just painful enough for me to realize how I played my part in this little do-see-do... and to cut that stuff off pretty quick. I have a whole 'nother property to deal with... and the projects are much bigger. I need my head screwed on tight. No Luuuuuuuuuuuuccccyyy stuff.

[sKePTiKal]

So, I've been thinking a lot about self-discipline. Breaking down the idea into what is usually meant by the word in conversation... and looking for the truth about where I fall on the scale... of no self-discipline at all (total hedonism) to overly wrapped too tight (maybe want to call this stoic/spartan). I think first of all, that this changes depending on what day it is. And that's OK. Life would be real boring if we were "just this one set of characteristics, tightly defined", all the time. It comes up in connection with the bit of survivor guilt I'm dealing with again. The realization that where I live now, was chosen because it suited TWO of us and while I'd been slowly coming to the realization that I was over the attraction of it, there are still very good reasons why I'm here. I am not unhappy here.

I think I usually see it as forcing yourself to do something, that you really don't feel like doing. Because it's productive, good for you, or whatever. That's a heavy emphasis on the discipline side; discipline = punishment in some cases. Punishment for what? Not doing what one thinks, believes or is told by "experts" one "should" do. I should exercise more (or even some). I should quit smoking. That idea runs head-on into: I don't want to. Often, there is equal energy on both sides of that impasse. And that conflict, makes limits hard to abide by or even choose... it all seems irreconcilable... therefore overwhelming, futile, and a lose-lose proposition all around. The only real compromise, is letting each of those forces take turns. So far. Otherwise there can be, has been, a big explosion.

So the other day, thinking about how much progress I've made around here in 2 months, the idea popped into my head that self-discipline has more to do with choices that satisfy a need; that "want to"; rather than a "corrective" regimen imposed upon one, from outside of oneself. Desire to be or do something; feeling important enough to commit to the practice required, the time and energy, the learning, and sensing of paths forward. It needs some determination, patience and persistence - and yes, even doing when you don't feel like it or don't want to (but that's not the MAIN attribute). My mom has spent 40 years "going through and getting rid of her stuff". In 2 months, I've gotten halfway done. Still have garage stuff, and then the next layer of finer detail - knick-knacks and tschotskes. The difference is that choice; the "want to". One isn't better than the other; they're just different. But it does help to be honest with oneself (and others) about it. 

I know I simply feel better in a more streamlined, less full of small stuff, environment. Baroque, I am not. LOL. But I don't go all the way to ascetic, either. I like that the things around me have a utilitarian function, and it's fun that those things have a funky or beautiful character to them, as well. I like textures and mixing them up; the contrast. And my "self-discipline" about this clearing out phase is getting the space to that level. It's enough under control, that I feel I'm able to shift into getting ready for my company weekend and the party.

After the party, I will feel my obligations have been fulfilled well enough, that I can focus just on me. I will set some things in motion about that too. I am going to be a solo woman for the foreseeable future. Even though I find I'm vulnerable to guys at the moment, the thought of another relationship isn't more than curiosity, a possible pain in the butt to deal with, and at some levels terrifying. So, I need to find my amazon body armor and attitude helmet, dig out my going to high-level business meeting weapons... and nominate myself captain of my ship, head piratess, and go forth and conquer... until I've built myself another cozy nest of a life, that is just what I think I want.

[Hopalong]

Thank you so very much, Amber, for your wisdom about "want to."

So applicable it could be sealed over my entire life.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I guess I never really "got it", when we talked about the difference between "have to" and "want to" in therapy. I thought I did; it was just intellectually. At the emotional level, when there's a "want to", then there isn't any forced, micro-managed, "self-discipline" needed. No need for a plan even, just "do". When we don't really "want to" (let's use paperwork as the example)... that understanding of self-discipline is STILL WRONG.

At least, when dealing with my incredibly stubborn, devious and strong resisting force. Good old Twiggy... LOL. Her remnants can still be a problem; an obstacle.

So, a strategy for creating a "want to" around those kinds of things was needed. A negotiation, about the important of those "have tos" that this resistant force didn't "want to". It's like trying to bribe a 3 yr old to eat her green beans, sometimes. One thing that helps sometimes (you need a whole bag of tricks for this negotiation)... is simply to point out, that the sooner it's started - the sooner done. Once in progress, the activity takes on a life of it's own and I get on a roll. It's just that starting point, decision, the "want to"...

OH... one extra bit... sometimes that resistance to getting started is because there is some buried grief or hurt or even good memories that are intensely emotional... and the resistance is the denial of acceptance or the clear "don't want to" about dealing with it.

[lighter]

Amber:

Dealing with subs is...... just what you described.

Some are very good, and some are predators.  I was chased around my very large dining room table when I was 8 months pregnant by a blinds installer.  If I wasn't in very good shape, he might have caught me..... and I'm sure he knew I was married at the time.   

I didn't report him..... why?  Not sure.  He'd begged me NOT to report him before he left.  He actually came back to the front door, and said it through the glass..... and I was frightened..... not sure exactly of what, but he was not right in the head.   I just nodded, and didn't call anyone to report jhim.  Stupid stupid stupid but honestly..... I was stunned, and kind of shocky.  I didn't understand what happened myself.  I'm still not sure what happened exactly, but it seemed very odd that this young good looking guy would chase a hugely pregnant woman 10 years his senior around a.... just writing it makes me feel crazy.

I think I knew it would sound off, and I think I didn't want to have anything else to do with him at all, ever again.  I didn't want him coming back, really angry that I'd gotten him in trouble, and me with a brand new baby, vulnerable..... just NO.

Lord, I wonder what he's done since he was on my job.

I've had really off experiences more recently, but I learned a lot about myself dealing with them.  

I can say the same thing about dealing with attorneys, teachers, and neighbors.  There's all kinds of people in all walks of life.  

How are your projects coming along Amber?

Lighter





 

[sKePTiKal]

I'm getting there, Lighter.

Took care of transferring all the vehicle titles yesterday; but I have to go back to Roanoke Island to transfer the boat. The Fisheries dept handles those titles. I just didn't feel like it yesterday. But I was in/out of our tiny DMV that's in the back of the Manteo Pharmacy in under an hour. I got one of those women who move paper (and keep it all organized) at the speed of light... told me: sign here, print here... and I just did what she told me! LOL. So I can start dealing with reducing my stable of vehicles in about two weeks.

Pool cover got cleaned off; my "secret garden" space behind the pool patio wall has been weed-wacked & mulched with pine needles. So far, nothing's eaten my raspberries - but they haven't done well down here. NOTHING grows down here except every single weed seed from every single source. I just don't get it. The landscaper was saying he has a way to sterilize the top couple inches of soil - no chemicals - to try to manage that. I hope he includes that in his estimate. My tree guy has a lot of piddly trimming to do and one large dead pine to bring down, so it doesn't ever block the driveway. Electrician to fix the original problem and undo the crap the first guy did... end of this week. Oh, and I need to call the shutter guys about when they can get for maintenance.

I think I need to call the thrift store to pick up again. I'm going to get rid of some funky stuff downstairs, sell some things (if I can ever get to the point of taking pictures. And I've been drooling over the design catalogs again. The eclectic updated carribean/british colonial look I've been trying to get to... is starting to form in my mind. But until I have space, and decide if I'm staying at least another year while in transition.... not going to start that yet. I have some recycling to take care of today, streamlining & cleaning the poolhouse and starting to stock that for next weekend. Some weeding to do on the private secluded part of the patio. And followup on the last of the account paperwork. And a meeting with the brokers next week...

LOL. It's all perfectly well organized - in my head. And it's constantly being adjusted -- and some things left undone, too -- depending on my aches and sore muscles, my energy levels & focus, and whether that "want to" is strong enough to convince the body to go along with it. LOL.

I just so want to be at the point where the way is clear - with nothing left to do for Mike and his stuff - where I can sit with ME and what is now MY STUFF and try to find what the next phase of "want to" is. It's pretty likely I'll be keeping this house for the time being, and trying to make the cabin, "just so" before I move in up there. Moving is a 3-ring circus what with all our tools and such (which are going to be purged too). But that all still remains to be seen.

[Hopalong]

Amber. I am literally awed by your sheer work ethic.
That's what I feel I've lost during the years of loss and despair.

I come home and can see or think of a whole lot of projects that can and should be top priorities.
I have no motivation at all. But the good news is that for the first time in forever, I forced myself
to dress for a walk this morning, and in 2 minutes I'm out the door with my pooch. I let all that go
too, during grief...she has a dog door and big yard and so...I let it/her/myself go. Will take months
to rebuild my energy but I want to. Rebuild health in general. My hair began to fall out in half-handfuls.
Dr. took blood this week to check the usual suspects (thyroid, iron, iodine) and I'm on B12 and biotin,
etc, but we'll see.

I do work hard on the job, but that's fear of sabotaging my security. Fear, rather than goal-setting.
(BTW, new job is fine...boss lady is a dragon and perhaps an N but for some reason I don't fear her,
although I will keep the boundaries up. She has and deserves my respect for her knowledge but her
personality is critical and her "training" is like waving a Lifesaver (the candy) at a struggling swimmer.)

Anyway, hijacking here, sorry. Between your tidying up the mountain with your Lego dumptruck and Lighter about
to go Kondo...surely some of this spring activity will be contagious!

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's all about the "want" Hops.

As many years (it's over 10 now right?) as I've been sorting "me" out here I think this is my "key" to unlocking the whole shebang of me-puzzle. It took long enough to even figure out I was ALLOWED to want... then, trying to choose from all the options WHAT I wanted... since I really don't like to be buried under a lot of "stuff" anymore. Might've been the perfect thing for Twiggy to dive her head under Grandma's quilt* and just grieve... but I'm too curious about things and people and places; I like staying in motion - and caretaking, people - places - aminals... it helps me feel useful up until the point that I realize there's no one taking care of me.

More and more, the descriptive term I use for what I've experienced is Survivor's Guilt. It covers the magical thinking process that believes if I punish or abuse myself ENOUGH, then that will fix or prevent bad things happening to others or myself. It covers the sinking feeling that for some things, I'm just not super-human enough to do anything about it. It covers the anxiety and fear that boomerangs on me, when I DO do something for myself... because well, that's really selfish and mean and I'm not SUPPOSED to want anything myself... the taboo. Break the taboo, and perhaps Mom does her Jekyll/Hyde thing again... and NO ONE wants that!! LOL.

All that stuff is woven together into some kind of multi-color brocade tapestry, that we affectionately call "life", for want of a better word.

The to-do list is going to rest for a week or so now. New electricians have my front lamp posts working again; the low voltage is going to require new wires, etc. They'll try to find replacements for the back yard; I have one the bolts rusted out. Tree guy is busy and I got an email, thanking me for my patience (LOL)... and the shutter guy I might call today to see where I fall on their list. One last "pile" downstairs... the stuff I'm packing to take to the cabin and some of Jean's stuff that I'd saved because it's all hand needlework or aprons from 1940s fabric that I couldn't just throw out. Jeez... oh, and pictures and picture frames. That's it, then I can start cleaning. The downstairs really needs a ceiling, across the top of door and door frames down to scrubbing the tile & carpets cleaning. It's been that long that it was all covered up and I wasn't ALLOWED to move it to clean. Grrrrr.

Party/remembrance next weekend. I'm kinda winging this... since I really don't have much experience at this. I have lots of photos of Mike; I'm thinking he can take over the downstairs walls and newly discovered flat surfaces. It won't take me long to make a couple stacks of Mike music that won't offend either my kid's taste or his aunt/uncle... the bulk of the food is being picked up Saturday, and I found chicken on sale that I'll cook middle of the week, pick & make chicken salad. Need a couple batches of peanutbutter fudge, too. The pool won't open for another month or two yet... but he made and I painted a cornhole game set... and I have a closet full of outdoor games. I'm sure everyone else will have ideas about what to do too. And the "after party" will end up being a lot MORE "Mikey" than the afternoon one... because he was never politically correct, always the black sheep/bad boy, and loved to get a rise out of people. That's a whole 'nother kind of party - LOL.

Then, I'm loading up my pile and the cat... and going to the cabin. Just because I CAN and I WANT TO. (And there's no phone service - LOL)

*The next night after Mike died, Holly & Matt were here and since it was so warm we stayed out on the porch talking till late at night and I was telling her some about Twiggy and the quilt. (Matt's cool about things like this, doesn't scare him.) Don't you know that kid put me to bed and wrapped me up in that quilt and tucked stuffeds animal all around me? This "kid" is going to be 40 in a couple of years.

[sKePTiKal]

PHEW.... reading about Lighter's strategies for dealing with clutter and changing how you relate to things... and having just spent 3 months working through various lines of demarcation... one room or even corner at a time (or one level across a room) I realize I just "do". In fact my brain pretty much turns off... decisions still get made, I do pull certain things out to save or repurpose or "claim"... but for me it's a built in skill.

I put things that are alike (or go to another same place) together, while I'm simply clearing XXX space. When the space is clear, then I sort the piles and then I take them where they go. Sometimes they "rest" partway there.   That's because I've now got energy to take care of a space that's staring me in the face, that needs clearing. So, I "flit" as Mike would say... or give in to "mission creep". LOL. Try as I might, I couldn't get him to see that despite the distractions I got a lot done in a short-er amount of time than just staying on one task; often a job consists of several related tasks.

One has to accept that in order to completely clear a room of extra stuff, you're going to make even more chaos & mess. And when all the existing flat surfaces are covered, you either need to bring in more tables (carts get used a lot here) or use the floor. I don't physically clean - dust, wipe down, polish or vacumn/mop - any space until it's proclaimed "done".

Towards the end of the process (and because our oak trees are starting to bud & leaf out; yay - pollen) I could tell I was tired. I needed a couple half days to just sit. But my energy levels are coming back up; my physical stamina too... and some muscle strength. It can be hard for me to tell when I "just don't want to do it" or I really am tired... or I need something different. So I've been trying to watch things like that. What I've been eating worked well for the beginning of this process... but not so much now. I hear my body craving something different. I'm not sleeping regular... some of that is the pollen and some is my feather pillow making it worse: there are these teeny, tiny feather fibers that itch my eyes... stuff up my head... time to change that out again.

I'm up early most mornings; that is still my designated cry off the internal pressure of simply missing Mike time. It's when I feel most "alone". (meow-meow helps) Yes, I still talk to his ashes & picture - LOL. That connection was just so strong between us, with all the bumps that involved, letting go is just not on the to-do list. And I can't go with him; ain't my time yet. He was here one second and in the next breath he was gone. I felt it; the shock to the connection; the severing of the complete circuit. And I'm not sad; Lord no... the fact that I know what this feels like is a blessing. But it's surely a longing for what was lost in that blink of an eye. Maybe ended is a better word than lost. "We" were... and then "we" weren't. But I guess I'll be carrying around the memory of that "we" for awhile.

So the next phase of adjustment - now that most of my "busy" cleaning up after him, will be over after the party - looks like trying to sort out the parts of me that are really me... the parts of Mike that fit into who I am... and the parts I gave away to him. Like a tree that's lost its twin trunk... I have to patch up the exterior wounds and keep the sap running - maybe a little differently - and keep adapting to the seasons and the weather. Maybe I'll get transplanted; maybe I need something else planted next to me... for company. Don't know yet.

I had a very interesting visitor this week. The phone rang, and when I've been working I've been letting it go to voicemail but this time I picked up. A stranger... who was interested in buying Mike's truck; referred by the thrift store pick up kid. I have abused this kid and his partner with all kinds of stuff over the years - after Mike's mom died; when I finally got Mike to part with things - in 5-6 years in this place, we STILL haven't "moved in". SIGH... well, so anyway, "Ben" shows up and we're talking and there is just something different about him. Unlike the electrician who was drooling like a vulture over the toys that are now mine... Ben was saying how "things happen to us in life" and proceeded to tell me about his "thing" - a blood clot; he passed out and fell down some steps which dislodged the clot - and saved his life. A near-death experience.

We talked about what it needs and some particulars; I don't know all the spec's about engine size, or whatever and the Blue book estimate. I don't know what the spread is between trade-in allowance and private sale... (I can look it up; just didn't last time). So, I told him to make me an offer. He was going to talk it over with the Missus and call me back. It's not like the truck is going anywhere with 2 flat tires and a dead battery, LOL.

But you know how can just tell "good people"? You can't always tell the ones that are out to take advantage of you... but good people shine differently?? Yeah, Ben was like that. I don't think Mike would be mad, if I let the truck go at a bargain price, if it really helped out someone else. And it would be one less thing for me to try to maintain and take care of properly.

[Hopalong]

What a wonderful encounter.

What a wonderful narrative about the intimate spaces of your grief.

What a wonderful example of focus you are holding up...for me (not for me, but which I'm greatly moved and inspired by).

Forgive my brevity, Amber, but know I am feeling such empathy and respect for all you are doing.

Tired from work but in the green beer afterglow...

Love to you,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Phew. Heavy, intense bouts of grief bracketing the party and the people around all weekend. Nothing specifically triggering, except that this was always Mike's favorite party. The son in law (Holly's SO) - the artist - seemed to be the person who could communicate the best with me. My friend wasn't too bad either. I finally figured it out myself - with clues from GS's brain info.

Yep; the feelings are so intense that they can't be verbalized yet. I did however, win at Cards Against Humanity... verbal as all get-out... but in a visually associative sort of way.

Best I can do, is to say that the party was successful on several levels. The relatives entertained themselves; my "crew" - the kids & Debbie - surrounded me ready to step in & help with boundary "patrol". The food was fabulous and except for rumors of a cheese explosion over the stove (I wouldn't know, I was making devilled eggs) all was prepared without casualties. Mike's D and Matt handled decorations -- which we had in excess - flamingos and luau stuff of many tacky varieties. The Margaritaville Pirate Flag was flapping hard in the wind - right before the rain moved in and the temp dropped 10 degrees. LOL. Life at the Beach.

But that kept the party from dragging on & on... so that the after-party could get going. Which was always the highlight of this weekend anyway. There was no mess left. Plenty of food leftover. And I can finally sense the edges of "me" again versus being everywhere, connecting to lots of different people, what feels like all at once. And that was when the 2nd wave hit. Very late night by myself (while making space for Mike to be in) listening to some songs that the son in law had played - and then copied to CD for me - over & over & over just like when I was a teenager.

That automatic making space reflex; expecting him to say certain things - knowing what he would say; or simply forgetting and looking over at the couch to comment on something to him... because I forgot he wasn't there. This kind of thing is tripping me up lately. OH... and I found a new-er description of the grief process that is closer to what I seem to be going through; how I process this or any other feelings with intensity of this magnitude (or decibels). It involves 3 emotional areas that overlap, that people move into/out of, as they adjust to the process.

Disorganization/inability to concentrate
Pining
Adjustment & Rebuilding

To me, this is a lot more accurate than the Kubler-Ross model. Grieving isn't linear or sequential. On any given day, I can be all just one of those attributes... or experience all three. And when you've spent some years processing out old toxic grief, it's pretty hard to tell where the new event's emotions stop or start to blend into the old stuff... LOL.

I have some ideas about that last category. But I'm rambling along here... and still have some feelings to address before I think I'd be safe to "move on" in some ways.