Well the last couple of days have been a bit of a revelation for me.
The male friend I mentioned, who sort of triggered this whole thinig off for me recently, came round last night. We talked for several hours and it made me realise a few things.
1) I really, really miss long, deep conversations with people I love, trust and can be myself with. That conversation with him last night is the first proper conversation I've had in about six months. In fact it's probably even longer. My focus, once I've moved, I think, is to focus on regular get togethers, without children, with people I care about. You can't have a proper conversation with children around, because obviously your focus is on them and you just can't get lost in the conversation and I hadn't realised how much I miss and how much I need that. So I need to arrange conversation dates, adults only.
2) It's really clarified for me that what I really want in a (male) partner is to be able to talk like that. The looks, job, hobbies, all that stuff just doesn't interest me, it's being able to have long, comfortable conversations that really makes me want to be around someone, male or female. I've often wondered why I find it so difficult and I think perhaps I've just been focusing on a checklist rather than just how I feel when I talk to someone.
3) I've realised how incredibly judgemental I can be and how I set up a scenario in my head of what must be going on or what I think ought to happen. My T used to say to me a lot that my need to control stemmed from fear and all of my mental gymnastics were a way of trying to keep safe and I can finally understand properly what she meant by that. I feel ashamed now of the judgements I've made about him (and other people) because in my way I need to categorise people and put them into the good or bad column. A lot of what I'd assumed about his current situation was completely wrong and very negative and I feel quite a lot of shame that I applied criteria to him (as I have to others) and that it was both wrong and unnecessary. Although funnily it's also a big relief to realise that's what I've been doing and that I don't need to anymore? Kind of weird. But in a good way.
4) I've realised I do still have feelings for him. I think all those years ago I just buried them to save face and not let myself feel what I felt, if that makes sense? I won't be acting on them. It's time to leave the past where it is, move forward, but at least now I can acknowledge it, maybe even cry and say goodbye a bit? And move forward into new territory.
Feel tired from all the revelation, but in a good way. A real delivery from the universe, I feel. A good life lesson.
