Having the hardest time

[Ales2]

I'm having the hardest time regaining my discipline to move forward with my goals (many were goals I already achieved before like losing weight/running a marathon, finding a new job, finishing writing projects, having a leadership role at my professional organization etc.). I want very much to go back to feeling determined,resilient, productive, and doing the good stuff, but it ended badly and didn't yield my desired results/goals. I struggle with the "it won't work anyway" voice in my head.

[lighter]

Ales:

That voice in your head is just telling stories.  Stories that aren't true or right IME.

When you hear it, try telling yourself
"Those are just stories"
 and go back to doing what you were doing without giving it another thought.

Surely you learned lessons, and made contacts from your recent experiences that will factor in to the next set of goals you set and achieve.

You owe your time and energy to yourself.  You don't owe anything to the negative voice in your head, IMO.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What great advice, Lighter.

((((((Ales)))))) I hear you.
Argue with it.

Argue with it.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Or..............just playing devil's advocate here..............................maybe they're not the right goals?  And something inside is saying, "hey, this isn't what you really want to be doing!  You're still trying to please your mum/your old school teacher/society/prove to that man that dumped you ten years ago that you're worth something"?

It's really funny that you posted this because I was talking to someone on another forum only yesterday about warning bells going off around people, and I was saying that I find they are either warning me about the other person, or they're highlighting something about me that I need to work on (another issue to deal with, lol).  And it was funny reading your post straight after because I'd been thinking about how much I procrastinate and that I do it because either (a) it's something I don't really want to have to do or (b) because it might lead to something good and the thought of being happy and content is as scary to me as being unhappy is!  Minds are funny things

Anyway, just offering another possible perspective, maybe spend some time thinking about why you've picked those particular goals and what the reasons are?  Your heart's desire or a desire to prove something (not that there's anything wrong with either of those things but maybe your inner voice doesn't agree?).  Maybe it's telling you to focus on inward change that's not noticeable to others instead of concrete goals that other people can see?  Maybe you're tired and you need a bit of time off from goals and to relax and do something for fun (I always find that impossible, by the way )?

I'm not even sure if this makes sense, it's early here and I'm typing in the dark x

[sKePTiKal]

Along the same lines as what Tupps so concisely suggested, I'll suggest that perhaps achieving the goals you have in mind will require adopting a new set of "daily feelings" that are very outside your current comfort zone. New habits, new feelings, new mindset completely.

That "inner voice" - the one that gives you permission to procrastinate another day, that it doesn't matter for just this one day and she just "doesn't want to right now" - I find, isn't totally rational. Rather superstitious and given to "magical thinking"... in that if I make a conscious decision to achieve something and set out all the steps to do so, in such a way that I know it can be easily done... well, this freaks that inner me out. OMG... she thinks... then, if I DO do that, everything I know about me has been WRONG for so long... and I might have to do something unpleasant or delay indulging myself in whatever coping behaviors I use to maintain my comfort zone. (or conversely: what if I fail??)

Just remember that so often, those inner voices have been brainwashed about what they are by people who never took the time to actually SEE who we really are, or find out when we're our happiest and why, never really KNEW us. That kind of invalidation always puts me into a blob of paralysis and inertia that I can justify & excuse a thousand different ways... until I get mad at myself, for not standing up for me.

Me is more than that inner voice; it's the rational obsessively organized competitive motivated me too. Not just a characteristic or adjective... it really IS me.

At least, this is what came up for me, when I identified with your dilemma. YMMV of course.

[Hopalong]

HOO-aahh!

...those inner voices have been brainwashed about what they are by people who never took the time to actually SEE who we really are, or find out when we're our happiest and why, never really KNEW us...

What popped right up for me reading this great Amber comment was--I believe "people who never took the time" most importantly includes us. Ourselves. It's US taking the time to actually see who we really are, etc.--that is the cure. For practically everything.

Others will see or not see, contained as they are within their own experiences, lives, and struggle to see THEMselves. So as long as our focus is external, waiting for rescue from those who do see us...we may wait in vain.

Got to see, know, embrace, forgive, support, advocate for, and love ourselves. Not really in opposition to others or just because others disappoint us. But without waiting for the magical rescue-people who won't disappoint. We have the opportunity without waiting for anybody at all, to work at seeing and loving ourselves. The loving ourselves is what makes seeing ourselves possible.

That's what makes us (what's with the we/us, Hops? Obviously preaching to yourself, here) ... ahem ... what makes us ultimately healthier, less resentful, less desperate, less guarded -- all of which make it more likely that as we move through the world, we attract folks who also have healed, open hearts.

(We enjoyed our sermon.)

love to us,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL Hops...

I guess I'm not the only one who does the "we" thing. You make a very good point in the process however. Ales, are we making any sense to you with our reflections on this?

[Ales2]

Thanks for all the comments, thoughts and opinions, they are very helpful and insightful. I know I always say that, but this board really resonates with me while still giving me a new point of view. I'm still trying to digest everything.

I had another thought which I will come back to and explain over the next couple of days. Thanks.

[Ales2]

I've been in a prolonged slump for 8 years.

The short cause is - got laid off from a job with a terrible boss. Terrible boss lead to discovery of narcissism and my history with it, coming from an NMom. 

Before the layoff and knowledge of Nism, I had a great job, no debt, was my normal weight (145 at 5ft-9in) and was on good terms with my family (Mother, brother).  I had also met a guy that I was in a relationship for a year.  I had great friends as well (economy shifted and several moved away).  I had a LIFE. Yet, when I was doing well, my self esteem was not that great.

I sought help for the terrible boss and NMom problem, only the T turned out to be terrible too.  (He is currently under review by the CA Board of licensing for ethical violations, including over 10 suicides). I made no progress with him and left more confused and depressed. He actually made it worse.

Here is where it gets murky. I was depressed and miserable, gained weight, used my credit beyond what is normal (not worried, though, but its a bad move), have had enormous trouble finding another good job, although have done alot o free projects that have not led anywhere. How come I am not improving? Isnt this realization a great relief and gives me permission in a sense to just move on and excel? For some reason I cannot understand, I just can't seem to move on. Ive actually had a good couple of months, but this will take more than just a "little luck" to move on once and for all. I feel like Ive pushed most of these issues well behind me, but still my life is not advancing. I actually feel like I have more self esteem, but yet its not matching the outside as it did before (job, weight, credit etc)

What am I missing? If its patience, is that 8 months? cause 8 years is not patience, thats sadism.

Also, the contrast of outside "results" and corresponding self esteem levels is interesting. Any thoughts on that?

[Twoapenny]

Ales, no thoughts as yet but had to respond as you've more or less described my life?!

It's ten years since I stopped talking to my mum and about eight since I first read something about narcissism and thought, blimey, that's her!  And yes, since that point, my life has generally got harder and harder and certainly in terms of outward appearances (as you say, job, money etc) things are not great. Mmmm.

Perhaps the work that has to be done internally means that there is little space for external effort?  Perhaps the grief of realising what you had/didn't have/won't have is more extreme than we realise and holds us back somewhat?  Perhaps we feel a need to punish ourselves for no longer being good and accepting the situation without complaint?  I don't know.  I will ponder on this some more, it's very interesting that you've raised this as I just hadn't realised it as starkly as that before.

[Ales2]

wow two - you've hit on several good points!  Actually all of them have relevance!

I hope we can continue this conversation here on the board, there is alot more I want to say on this issue as well. Thanks!