How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Hopalong]

OOO, Judge's robe is coming off and her dingy bra strap shows, eh? Love that you're arguing back.
You do ahead and be shrill and bug-eyed and lost in the toes-feel...this is GREAT, Lighter. You got no image to bother about, here.

I really like the sound of your new T. Some stories ARE complicated and trauma-full and take a while. You take however long you need. Let the Judge squawk, until one day she realizes nobody's interested in her.

KUDOS.

And Kathy, I'm so happy you continue to read and feel free to write when you can...and are helped. It's good to have your company here, whenever it works for you.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I didn't get my 3 pages in this morning.... the pen wouldn't write, then it exploded as I flicked it around to get the ink going, and then I picked up another pen, but the red ink was alarming and so I felt alarmed.... TODAY I'M NOT SUPPOSED to WRITE!  Oh dear, I hope I'm supposed to be doing something else.... and it took me several hours to get beyond that spiral.  What if what if what if..... and on it did go.  I'm picky about pens (Only fine point, please), and a little superstitious, I admit.

At the end of the day I put on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9qMlVUxUaA, wrapped myself in a soft vintage blanket warm from the dryer, lit 3 candles on the back porch and snuggled with the Pug before sundown.  We napped, and woke up after dark.  Ahhh.... the video was lovely, as are so many of this author's.

::sigh::

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Just writing this here as I wanted somewhere to put it before the memory fades and this is always the safest place WARNING - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY.

I have been pottering along with my slower paced, healthier life.  I've been meditating most days, doing a bit of yoga, spending time in the garden, putting my feet up and reading and generally looking after myself and being less frantic.  I had a bit of a 'ooh hoo' moment when several things happened at once and I went into rescue mode but it was over very quickly, I paced myself again, reset my boundaries and carried on.  It was my son's birthday last week and we had a lovely time with a few friends over and a day out.

I went down with a very heavy cold (I do find that resting and looking after myself does tend to make me react in some way, I suppose your body lets out toxins or stress or something?).  I've looked after myself, plenty of fluids, lots of Vitamin C and so on, but had a terribly sore throat that I couldn't shift.  One of the meditiations I've been using works on clearing and realigning the chakras and one school of thought is that a sore throat indicates a blocked throat chakra so when I woke at 2am the night before last with my throat literally screaming I tried a throat chakra meditiation.

I had the most horrendous flashback, all physical, with the only other sense being a feeling of being in my childhood bedroom.  I could feel something being forced into my throat, not being able to breathe, fighting and struggling to get away and not being able to.  The feeling of control and being forced to surrender was awful.  My legs were pumping as if I were trying to run but I couldn't get up from the bed.  It was almost like an out of body experience, I think, as one part of my mind was terrified whilst the other was quite calming thinking "it's a flashback.  It's not really happening again."  It didn't last for very long; I was sobbing and felt very small and vulnerable but at the same time did feel some sort of sense of release and of something being 'out there'.  I didn't really sleep much again that night but the following day was nice and sunny so it was nice to spend time in the garden.  Last night I couldn't sleep again, my throat was still very sore and this morning I woke and literally had no voice, which I always think is funny when we have all felt so voiceless at times that sometimes it becomes a physical reality.  It is starting to come back now, though, which my son is very disappointed about

I do feel tired and a bit out of it (and I did keep losing time yesterday, I noticed) but I also feel that something has been unblocked and let out.  I think maybe the fact that we've moved and feel safer is one thing, and maybe my son's age is triggering things off now as well.  Either way, I am glad this is happening here in our new home where at least I can sit in our lovely garden rather than the old place where I'd have been feeling glum anyway.

As I say, just parking this here for now so it doesn't get lost as the week moves on.  Very, very glad to have this safe space, as always xx

[lighter]

((((Tupp))))  There you are!

I was wondering what you were up to.

So sorry about the flashback.  Sorry it's so present and frightening.... but glad it's coming OUT....
glad you're moving down the path and away from the past.  Be kind and gentle with yourself..... you deserve compassion, and empathy.  If you stay with this, it will pass, IME.  You can't be harmed any more...... not if you let it out, so you can let it go, IME.     

Reading about your new self care rituals, in your new safe space..... your garden, with your feet up...... truly feels like headway.  Feeling better isn't ever DONE.  It's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing, and you're doing a wonderful job, IME.

It's cold here now.  How is it over the Pond?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).

Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.

But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...

....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.

I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.

YOU are the best friend you ever could have.

I am awed.

love,
Hops

[JustKathy]

I’m so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.

I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams I’m always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. I’m now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?

I do agree with Lighter that it’s probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like you’re strong, but you are.

I’m so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.

And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. It’s always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!

[Meh]

Random thoughts. All that ever helps me is to leave the stress. Run away from whatever is causing me stress. Which kinda sucks on one hand. In some ways it seems not adult like but flip side is there is so much BS in life that we have NO CONTROL over. On the other hand the truth is that if something is causing too much stress it means our needs are not getting met and it's not good for us.

I could also ask myself how often do I really pursue happiness.

[Twoapenny]

Random thoughts. All that ever helps me is to leave the stress. Run away from whatever is causing me stress. Which kinda sucks on one hand. In some ways it seems not adult like but flip side is there is so much BS in life that we have NO CONTROL over. On the other hand the truth is that if something is causing too much stress it means our needs are not getting met and it's not good for us.

I could also ask myself how often do I really pursue happiness.

I have always run from stress, G, it's been a key pattern throughout my life.  I find it easier to get away from something than I do to change it.  Fight or flight, I suppose?  Maybe part of it is whether you can do anything about the stress - with me it's often other people's behaviour and I generally find most people aren't willing to change their behaviour x

[Twoapenny]

I’m so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.

I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams I’m always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. I’m now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?

I do agree with Lighter that it’s probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like you’re strong, but you are.

I’m so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.

And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. It’s always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!

Thanks, Kathy, I do find it amazing that however much you consciously change and arrange your life there can still be childhood stuff pulling all those strings somewhere deep inside.  Equally I think that for abusers that abuse pattern is a way of playing out their own childhood stuff.  It amazes me that my mum still plays the same mind games and manipulative techniques now that she always did, even though her kids have cut ties with her one by on.  It's never occured to her that changing her behaviour might be helpful.  It reminds of a child who hides their face thinking if they can't see you, you can't see them.  Just a very simplistic view of the world.

I do think better out than in is right!  I've had a very heavy cold all week and feel pretty ill, it's as if all sorts of things are escaping from me at the moment.  I'm trying just to go with it; we've nothing terribly important on at the moment so I can do a few things, rest a bit, do a few more things, rest a bit more.  It doesn't matter.  I think my son is getting a bit bored but hopefully that will mean he'll be more eager to do things once I feel up to it again x

[Twoapenny]

Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).

Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.

But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...

....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.

I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.

YOU are the best friend you ever could have.

I am awed.

love,
Hops

Thank you, Hops, it means a lot   I am getting better at loving myself and giving myself care instead of harming further.  This sort of thing doesn't scare me any more; I used to worry it meant I was 'crazy' but now it feels like another piece coming out to allow a bit more healing to happen.  I'm just lucky I can heal; I don't have to worry about heading back into a situation I can't cope with or putting on a front to pretend everything's okay.  I can take my time at home and just sort of work at my own pace, which is really good.  I would still like to smack that f**ker right in the face, though   I have been feeling a lot of anger toward 'the sisterhood' as well, though, so many women around me, mum, aunts, neighbours, friends' mums, school teachers, so many who did nothing, said nothing, noticed nothing.  I look back at my teenage years and it's textbook abuse; changes in personality, isolation, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, forever changing jobs, never knowing what to do or which way to turn.  Unfortunately I think part of the problem was/is all the women in our family exist for the benefit of their man - life revolves around them and everyone else has to change to suit.

Anyway - I'm all good.  Slowly getting on with things and heading in the right direction.  Thank you x

[Twoapenny]

((((Tupp))))  There you are!

I was wondering what you were up to.

So sorry about the flashback.  Sorry it's so present and frightening.... but glad it's coming OUT....
glad you're moving down the path and away from the past.  Be kind and gentle with yourself..... you deserve compassion, and empathy.  If you stay with this, it will pass, IME.  You can't be harmed any more...... not if you let it out, so you can let it go, IME.     

Reading about your new self care rituals, in your new safe space..... your garden, with your feet up...... truly feels like headway.  Feeling better isn't ever DONE.  It's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing, and you're doing a wonderful job, IME.

It's cold here now.  How is it over the Pond?

Lighter

Thank you, Lighter, yes, it's better to let it out and things are definitely moving in the right direction, slow but sure!

When will it warm up over there?  It's lovely here at the minute, Spring is definitely on it's way.  Buds are coming out on trees and shrubs, crocuses, snowdrops and daffodils are everywhere at the minute, we're getting lovely sunny spells and it's getting lighter earlier and darker later, which I love.  The birds start singing about 5am and I love that.  Everyone cheers up a bit when the sun comes out so people are friendly and chatty.  The garden is starting to come to life.  I'm going to observe and keep tidy this year, to see what's already there and what can be done or changed.  I want to build a covered seating area so I can sit out there when it's raining and still enjoy it.  The patio needs relaying, there's an old shed that needs demolishing, a water feature that needs bringing back to life and some fencing that needs repairing.  There are a couple of very big spiky plants that can go - I'm not keen on spikey plants - but everything else looks lovely - it looks like a garden that just happened instead of being planned and I love that.  Need to buy a lawn mower, though! xx

[Twoapenny]

We were out today and I saw someone I probably last saw about twenty five years ago.  I purposely tried to avoid him seeing me and was relieved when he left without noticing I was there (or acknowledging I was there if he did notice).  I was trying to work out why I didn't want him to notice me and I realised it is still that stupid thing of not being good enough.  I do feel, deep down inside (and I know this is stupid) that I've failed and I haven't created a good life.  I know this is daft - I've worked through untold amounts of abuse and trauma, I've studied and passed multiple exams, I've sorted out my various addiction and co-dependency problems, raised my son and done a huge amount to help him and I've helped a lot of other people along the way, as well as doing all the usual looking after a home and so on.  But I felt like none of that is 'noticeable', in a way, it's stuff you tend to get into during a deep and meaningful, not when you bump into someone briefly.  That conversations always goes "so what are you up to these days" and the answer is basically I'm living a few miles away from the place I grew up, I haven't worked in years, I'm skint, my son has a lot of health problems that I can't get any help for and the fact that I've left the house today is the biggest thing I've achieved this week.  I know that isn't the sum of who I am but equally I'm not into all this "I'm a survivor!" and declaring all my problems every time I speak.

I know it's a self esteem issue and is obviously the bit I need to work on next but it was just a bit of a "blimey do I still feel like that?" moment.  I think I always wanted to feel special in some way, and I just don't.  I feel very ordinary.  And I know there's nothing wrong with ordinary but I would love to feel sparkly

[lighter]

We were out today and I saw someone I probably last saw about twenty five years ago.  I purposely tried to avoid him seeing me and was relieved when he left without noticing I was there (or acknowledging I was there if he did notice).  I was trying to work out why I didn't want him to notice me and I realised it is still that stupid thing of not being good enough.  I do feel, deep down inside (and I know this is stupid) that I've failed and I haven't created a good life.  I know this is daft - I've worked through untold amounts of abuse and trauma, I've studied and passed multiple exams, I've sorted out my various addiction and co-dependency problems, raised my son and done a huge amount to help him and I've helped a lot of other people along the way,

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Tara+Brach
Dear sweet, Tupp... you so deserve to feel better.  I really like Tara Brach and she popped into my head as I read your post.  See if she doesn't resonate with your struggles a bit... there are so many videos..... maybe one will strike a chord. 

Also, I so want to TAP TAP TAP on your insecurities.... I want to Tap for you, and with you, lol. 
::sigh:: 
I want to sit with them, and accept them, and thank them for their service,  and let them know you'll be OK, even if they take a break.   

as well as doing all the usual looking after a home and so on.  But I felt like none of that is 'noticeable', in a way, it's stuff you tend to get into during a deep and meaningful, not when you bump into someone briefly.  That conversations always goes "so what are you up to these days"
You're living in a lovely new apartment.... the move went just fine, and you're looking forward to enjoying the lovely garden with your son who has learning differences.  You've been homeschooling him, but are now considering alternatives.  You're meditating and paying attention to nutrition....  there are so many things you're doing, and they don't have to be deep discussions.  They can be light, and brief too, IME. and the answer is basically I'm living a few miles away from the place I grew up, I haven't worked in years Well, fighting dragons in the legal and social arenas, while protecting your child, and advocating for services, and homeschooling, and living WITH the dragons just accross the lane..... sounds like work to me, Tupp. , I'm skint, my son has a lot of health problems that I can't get any help for and the fact that I've left the house today is the biggest thing I've achieved this week.  I know that isn't the sum of who I am but equally I'm not into all this "I'm a survivor!" and declaring all my problems every time I speak.

What you are, Tupp, is decompressing.  You're just now AWAY from crisis and trauma.... anyone would be triggered living where you lived around the people you were subjected to, IME.  You're just now able to feel the weight of your FOO shift off to the side... it's been right on top of you, for Pete's sake. How in the world have you done as well as you have?  There's something inside you that's good, and whole, and is able to rise above long enough to get you through is all I can think of.  There's spark inside you, and it's been sustaining you, IMO.


That goodness will grow, and flourish since you've afforded yourself space to breath and heal, IME.  Not bc of the space, but bc you're motivated to educate yourself, and heal.  THAT's huge,. IME. 

It's OK to feel the insecurity, and doubt, and there's a time to do it, IMO.   Put your hand on the part of your body you feel it in, and just listen to it, Tupp.  You don't have to do anything else, but just be curious about it. 

It helps me all the time, and I do it often having just completed the final Parent Program at DD16's therapeutic boarding school. Goodness..... 3 sets of struggling parents with their dds, and me with my dd.  I'm touching my chest and stomach at least 3 times a day, and often wondering how much better I'm feeling in between... like momentum is building.... or compounding even.  It's sustaining, and I'm humming through entire days now.... one way I gauge how I'm doing... am I humming?  If I'm not feeling OK I always always always notice I haven't been humming in a while.  Funny thing, that.





I know it's a self esteem issue and is obviously the bit I need to work on next but it was just a bit of a "blimey do I still feel like that?" moment. Sure, you do.  Everyone does, and it's OK to feel it, IME.  It's the judgement you attach to feeling it, or of not getting past it yet, that slows us down, IME.  I'm doing that with the new T.  Still beating myself up for not overcoming all my adversity and feelings about it when I just couldn't do it before now.... and I have to make peace with it. I finally get that I couldn't do it while I was still carrying the burdens and living under siege..... and it's OK.  I think it will help me, and you too, if we can release the blame and shame.... they're just not at all productive, IME.  Everything in it's time, Tupp. I think it's our time now: ) 

We can feel good about that, right?

I think I always wanted to feel special in some way, and I just don't.  I feel very ordinary.  And I know there's nothing wrong with ordinary but I would love to feel sparkly   I think you'll feel plenty special once you gain enough distance and safety to look back, and see who you are and what you've done.  AMAZING, TUPP!  You've gone through all that and still managed to remain a decent, kind, GOOD human being who cares about her son and others despite the slogging through and living without you've endured.  You persevere, and that's not how everyone operates in this world, Tupp.  But you do.  What you've gone through can destroy people, Tupp.  Their ability to connect, and trust, and to see possibility.  You're seeking out better ways, and educating yourself.  Striving.  THIS is IN you..... and the active seeking is in itself raising you up, IME. 

Just dropping the expectation that we'll move through something a certain way allows us to clear a path otherwised closed to us, IME.  Letting go of expectation can help us get out of our own way, IME.   

(((Tupp and son)))
It's going to be OK.  It's already so much better than it was.  Pat yourself on the back, and accept you were doing the best you could, all the time.
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, thank you.  I did read this a few days ago when you first posted it and it brought tears to my eyes and I've had to spend a few days thinking things through because there was so much in there, it suddenly felt like huge layers of things were just falling away and it's taken me a bit of time to shuffle through it all.  But I am having that funny thing again of feeling like the Universe (or whatever anyone wants to call some sort of Higher Power) is looking down and looking after me when things get a bit stormy. A while ago I bumped into the sister of an old school friend (who I haven't seen since we left school), numbers were swapped and we arranged to get together this past weekend and I came away so happy that I now have a new friend in my life (or perhaps reconnected friend is a better way to think about it).  We just got on so well, she lives quite nearby and we both said we'd like to meet up again soon so arrangments are being made and we're sorting something out.  It made me really happy.  Another friend called to see if we'd like to go to the beach with them on what turned out to be Mother's Day and we had such a nice time, they're a lovely family, our kids get on well and it was such a nice way to spend the day, I was smiling from ear to ear.

Your suggestions of what to say re moving, home education etc were so brilliant and it's exactly what I said with the old school friend when I saw her.  I felt more confident in saying "yep, I've been working blooming hard and this is what I've been doing", although it turns out she isn't the type to judge on the superficial stuff anyway so I had no reason to worry about that.  But I've been practising saying it and it's amazing how much it has changed the way I feel about myself so thank you for that.  I will check out the Tara Brach videos you mention as well, thank you.  And yes, I think you're right about the decompressing, I don't have to put my armour on and battle through each day anymore and it has left me floundering a bit.  I think I'm so used to doing just that that being able not to do it has been a bit strange.  I am slowly getting there, though.

How are things going with you, I hope spring is starting to show itself!

[lighter]

Tupp:

I've been enjoying lots of energy.....riding a wave of activity.  Nothing I've had to think about, plan or DO.... just riding along, happy to have a wave to ride.

Paying attention to what I feel, and why I'm feeling it has been amazingly helpful. 

I've had a chance to notice my zen/true North/zone ebb and flow while attempting to remain detached and curious.  I don't see that I'm doing it well or poorly.

Things touch us, Tupp.  They might as well climb into our skin, uninvited guests.  If we're willing to acknowledge they're there..... and just notice them..... at least there's a chance for them to take their leave, IME.

I'm going to watch Dr. Van Der Kolks video while enjoying my bath ritual today... here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXr_IB1ELCk

Again, I like him bc he's a traditional T with an interest in what works to heal trauma, which is what he specializes in.  This means he's done studies on, and followed studies on integrative medicine BECAUSE it WORKS.  He was a skeptic swayed by statistics and success with patients. 


  I'm so glad to read your update, btw Tupp.  I read it twice.  You're just where you're supposed to be.... smiling from ear to ear.  There's more where that came from.

Enjoy the Spring.  Take pictures of your garden so you know what it does next Spring while contemplating what to plant here and there for joy.

Yes: )

Lighter