How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Twoapenny]

Tee HEE.

Yes, periods as punctuation marks, not bloody periods.

Oh that's funny.

But, yes.

Try it as full stops.

(I'm suggesting it as a small way to experience your own voice with more power. Nothing scary, just getting more comfortable with assertive statements, is all...)

Hugs
Hops

Thank you, Hops, my mission for today is to try and make statements instead of asking question in my head.  I do have a lot of negative thinking and I've noticed that more this last week or so.  I do tend to imagine the worst case scenario in a situation - catastrophising, I think it's called (almost put a question mark there but I stopped myself).  So I think changing my thoughts is going to be my mission for the time being.  Isn't it all blooming hard work?!

In other news - my mum had a meltdown on Facebook last night, on my sister's wall.  You can see how drunk she is from the way she's writing and also how utterly fractured and fragmented her mind is.  She literally has a conversation with herself, reading meaning that isn't there from other people's (completely innocuous) comments (that aren't directed at her either), taking offence at nothing at all and so on.  My sister deals with her as you would a young child, mum, no-one said that, mum, that comment was about something one of the kids did earlier, it was nothing to do with you, mum, that's enough now, you're blowing up things that aren't there.  My mum then takes her complaints to her grandson's Facebook page, this poor boy is the centre point for both his grandmother's and his father's issues, goodness knows what it's doing to his mind.  She then emails my sister and is full of lament about the past, she's going to send photos so that she can see she wasn't a bad mum, they're always got on so well, she'll just keep away in future as it's obvious she's not wanted.  On the surface it's funny as she seems like a drunk person being daft and you know that another person might well regret this the next day and be on the phone saying "sorry, I had too much wine, what was I on about".  But it's so sad as that is her mind all the time, being sober this morning won't change it and this will probably drag on for weeks now.  Her entire extended family can see it yet still none of them recognise the situation or do anything about it - much like what BettyAnn was talking about with people ignoring abuse.

I do keep out of all of this, just saw it last night as it was all so public, has made me more determined to work hard to keep my mind a healthy place, I don't want to get to a point where I can't see someone else's perception of a situation and realise when I'm being completely out of line x

[Hopalong]

Wow. What a sad spectacle, Tupp.
Lord preserve us from Facebooking our lives forever.

I was just thinking of you when I read this column.
It's about a wedding but all the issues Hax explains are about what we've been talking about -- boundaries and assertiveness. Thought you might enjoy. (Let me know if the link doesn't work and I can paste it in a post for you.)

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-why-cant-she-have-the-wedding-she-wants/2017/05/03/f6feec04-2c5e-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.7b4234b877b0&wpisrc=nl_hax&wpmm=1

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Wow. What a sad spectacle, Tupp.
Lord preserve us from Facebooking our lives forever.

I was just thinking of you when I read this column.
It's about a wedding but all the issues Hax explains are about what we've been talking about -- boundaries and assertiveness. Thought you might enjoy. (Let me know if the link doesn't work and I can paste it in a post for you.)

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-why-cant-she-have-the-wedding-she-wants/2017/05/03/f6feec04-2c5e-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.7b4234b877b0&wpisrc=nl_hax&wpmm=1

hugs
Hops

Wow they are real boundary pushers!  What a nightmare.  Yes, it's exactly that, isn't it, having to know what you want or where your line is drawn and then telling people as well.  The thing I have found hard is that setting boundaries has meant people are no longer in my life.  I've found it hard when people I have cared about and wanted to have in my life weren't willing to change their behaviour or hear me and preferred not to bother with me anymore.  That's been hard.  It's also made me wonder if it's me and not them?  Because it is weird how you can know dozens of people and they're all the same at some sort of basic level?  Very different perhaps outwardly, but deep down on core issues none of them respect or respond to boundaries or they hear them as a criticism or some sort of insult.  Isn't that weird?

I have noticed today how negative my thinking is, in pretty much every situation.  I hadn't realised it had got that bad.  I wasn't like this in the past.  So boundaries, positive thinking and self love are top of the agenda, I think.  With that in mind, it's time to curl up with the cat for a nap, I think

[lighter]

Ahhhhh, curling up with a warm kitty, or dog pal.  I really enjoy that too.

Light

[Twoapenny]

Ahhhhh, curling up with a warm kitty, or dog pal.  I really enjoy that too.

Light

I'd like to experience life as our cat every now and again, Lighter, wouldn't it be nice to take a holiday from being human for a while?  Mostly sleeping, usually in the most comfortable spots, affection when you want it but alone time when you don't, regular meals, treats every now and again and a nice walk around outside when you feel like it.  Cats have very good boundaries, don't they, everything is on their terms.  Perhaps we should all aspire to be more like cats.

I have noticed today that I am feeling resentful, mostly of other people having an endlessly good time whilst I am not.  I decided to just notice it and not pay too much mind to it.  Usually I try and stop 'bad' thoughts or use them as a way to improve myself but today I have decided it is alright to feel resentful and grumpy and I'm just going to let it be.

I'm trying to focus on reducing my stress levels and to get a good balance between getting things done (as lots of outstanding jobs on my to do list - particularly paperwork which is always to do with my son - makes me feel stressed and overwhelmed) and actively trying to reduce stress, through being outside, meditating, yoga, eating well and so on.  I have a tendency to overwork to bring my stress levels down, rather than relieving the stress so that I don't feel as concerned about what needs to be done so I'm trying to balance that out.  So that's the aim for today, cat- like boundaries and a good enough balance between working and relaxing to manage my stress levels.

[Twoapenny]

Prepare to be amazed

Scrolling through Facebook this evening - two 'I'm in distress' posts from people I know - didn't even consider whether or not I ought to offer to help, just scrolled past.

Friend called this afternoon - we had a brief chat but before she could launch into long winded complaint she needed to get off her chest I told her I had to go and get lunch ready as I had things to do this afternoon.

Son went to drama club tonight (which he loved) - lady that runs it told me the other parents sit and wait upstairs but I said I'd planned to go for a walk so off I went without feeling bad about it.  Met the other parents briefly when I got back and they seem very nice so next week I plan to go for a shorter walk and then go and chat to them some more - may be the hint of a social life there!

Spent the morning reading and catching up on bits and pieces.  Had a nap this afternoon.  Now preparing for an early night.  I think I might have to make myself a certificate!

[lighter]

Well, Tupp......
it's lovely to see you slide into new territory.....

 just go,

and be.

Once the angst and churning of NOT doing doing doing for others subsides....

we gain the ability to live in the moment...
there's us not DOING what we NEED to get out of discomfort.  There's US doing something else for a change, IME.

The need subsides, and the angst follows suit, or does the angst subside first?

Not sure, but you know I'm doing the Snoopie Dance for'ya my dear!

Make sure you stop, and FEEL this...... thing you've captured for yourself. 

Name it.

Celebrate it: D

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lol, I would love to see the Snoopie dance, Lighter   Do you know, I'm luxuriating in the feeling of not feeling obliged.  I did wonder when I went to bed last night if I'd wake up this morning feeling guilty and rushing off to put things right but no, I woke up early, my son was still asleep so I stayed in bed reading for a while, now he's up and I'm going to do a bit of paperwork before we head out and I don't feel any kind of draw to rescue, advise, intervene or worry about them thinking 'oh she didn't bother to call'.  I've got a paperwork mountain to deal with, a van to restore, a flat to decorate and furnish, a beautiful garden to work on, a book to write and a million other things that I want to see and do, all of which, right now, feel more important than sorting out other people's stuff for them.  I started to wonder if I would become selfish and cynical and be the sort of person that won't put themselves out for a minute, and then I thought, do you know what, for forty four years I haven't put myself first even one time, so if I never do another thing for another person I think I've already done enough.  And I feel quite energised and invigorated about it

[Hopalong]

Read a funny-stunny quote this morning:

When you stop pleasing people, people are not pleased.

Pithy perfection.

 

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Read a funny-stunny quote this morning:

When you stop pleasing people, people are not pleased.

Pithy perfection.

 

Hops

Hops, that is so, so true, and is why I've often found it difficult.  It is very painful to discover people you love only want you in their life if/when it's convenient or helpful to them, and it's one of the reasons I've found putting boundaries in place difficult, as well as saying no and putting myself first.  But I have to say that deep seated urge to keep everyone happy seems to have gone and I want to concentrate much more on keeping myself and my son happy (the cat has made herself happy by nicking the fish I'd taken out of the freezer for tea ).  We all need to be more cat!

[lighter]

That's so true, Hops.  They aren't pleased, and to me it feels like an act of aggression.  It's partially my NEEEEED for everyone to be OK... I get that my interpretation is the problem.  Not the response.

What's new about people not being pleased is.....I have no interest in explaining, or helping them understand. 

Instead I'm paying attention to any boundary stomping I MIGHT BE DOING which helps me hold compassion for them, but.... I don't think I can fix them, or soften the blow of my dropping that rope.   

I tend to turn away when my boundaries are stomped, and just end the conversation, interaction, whatever.... they'll get the message, or they'll fade away.

I suppose it's likely my turning away is seen as violence.  I don't know where I read that silence is the most violent thing you can do to someone..... paraphrasing there, but it changed the way I view anyone giving the cold shoulder to anyone else....... not my style typically to give the cold shoulder.  It's not my intention when I break off contact with people crossing boundaries... it's a little confusing right now.

I used to be very careful about letting people know I wasn't leaving a  conversation unfinished... just taking a break from it..... I don't know that I do that anymore. 

I think I'm more likely to end the discussion without acknowledging I'm aware of their displeasure, hence... not needing them to understand, or agree.... give me permission.... make me feel OK about their response.  And that wasn't always possible.  It's a relief to at least wrap my mind around it, and be able to turn away.... at least for a moment of peace.  If they don't understand now, they likely can't or never will, and I can be OK with that too.  It's better to choose withdrawal with love, and receive peace.... better than letting them cross boundaries and enduring. Better than feeling guilty, and responsible and guilty.

::nodding::

Now that DD16 is coming home.... I have to revisit my people pleasing behaviors, and really work on building the relationship I want to have with her, sans my need to please/fix/make everyone OK.   From her research and healing journey she's identified me as a bit like a man... I try to FIX things when she vents to me.  I can't just listen.  Well... I'm working on it. 

I'm aware I haven't finished processing some aspects of past damage in our relationship.  I want to move forward fresh, and be very confident it's behind us.  She doesn't want to be part of that process, which makes me sad.  I'll figure out how to do it, and how to feel OK about her not wanting to be a part of it, but.... she's been utilizing ritual at her Boarding school, and I thought it would be a wonderful thing for us to sort out together... I felt she would have some great ideas about how to do it.  She doesn't.  At least not now.

I'm paying attention to my neeeeed, and to her responses so I don't cross boundaries with her.  She's not responsible for how I feel, and I have to be mindful about not feeling responsible for how she feels. 

Oh dear... this is how change happens. In mulled over increments of hard won territories, and that's OK.     

And Tupp.... I think you'd love my Snoopie dance. I think you'd do one too    

My youngest dd14 can be counted on for one of two responses....

she joins in
OR
recoils in mortification, depending on mood.

She helped me in the yard today.  I feel as though I'm gaining some ground in the yard of mossy heaven (to be.)  DD wrestled with two big wheelbarrows of mulch and only squeaked twice when a spider, and then a little green, worm crawled on her.   

She would have freaked out if a cicada had landed on her.  They're all over the place, and LOUD.... at first I thought the buzz might be in my head... no one was talking about it.  They're not the beautiful big green ones I'm used to.  They're little black fly looking things with beady read eyes.  I thought the yard had been churned up in places by the moles, but alas.... it's the plague of the cicadas.

::scratch scratch scratch::..

Today I've determined the moles are no longer my friends. I found the pug nudging a dead one, AND they're likely the reason my ailing ground cover is ailing around the porch. 

::going to read the label on the grub killer::

Maybe I'll just do the beds.... you wouldn't believe the size and number of grubs in my yard.  SO many.... so fat.

::scratch scratch scratch::

I have to admit I screamed like a little girl when a cicada flew by my face and landed on my shoulder.

They really look like BIG evil flies.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

But, really.... I think he's GORGEOUS.

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/ss-130410-cicada-invasion/ss-130410-cicada-invasion-tease.jpg



Hops

[lighter]

During our early morning walk a big fat rain drop fell out of the sky....... plopped right at my feet.

On closer inspection we found a struggle, belly up cicada..... of course it was striped like a great big hornet. 

I really don't like the black ones.

[Twoapenny]

Well I had no idea what a cicada was, and now that I've seen Hopsie's photo of one I'm not sure I want to meet one!

Lighter, I have a tendency to try and fix rather than just listen.  Sometimes I think if you've been through a lot you end up with quite a lot of ideas about how to fix things and it's hard to keep them to yourself.  I also wonder if mine is to compensate for the fact that no-one tried to fix anything for me when I was younger so I had to work it all out on my own.  I've often wondered what it would have been like if I'd had a wise, caring, benevolent mother with a lot of life experience who could have helped me through some of those rough spots.  So sometimes I think I try to give people what I wish I'd had.  I think I'm also aware that if people don't offer my thoughts or advice I feel like I don't care.  Maybe the fact that your DD just wants you to listen means that she feels strong enough and loved enough to work it out on her own and knows that if she makes a mistake you'll still be there for her?  I don't think we had that as kids.

I don't think silence is an abusive thing when you yourself are dealing with an abusive person;   I think in some cases it's the only way you can manage a situation without getting dragged back into it over and over again.  I feel like I'm too tired these days to have to explain to someone something that seems blindingly obvious to me.  I feel too tired for a lot of things these days

But in other news - boundary setting has carried on!  I have a couple of birthdays coming up, a friend's husband and an unreliable friend, who I've mentioned before.  I decided I was just going to buy each a small, inexpensive gift and not make a big deal out of it, simply because I'd rather have the money for myself and my son.  The friend's husband I wouldn't be in touch with at all if it weren't for the friend and the unreliable friend is, well, unreliable and I can't be bothered to trapse around looking for the perfect gift for someone who hasn't bothered to phone for two months.  Didn't feel guilty; in fact felt quite pleased that I managed to find something quickly and easily.

I went to start my little cleaning job this evening, got there only to be told the hours are much later than I had been led to believe so I said I couldn't do it.  They tried to get me to change my mind but I said no and went home again and felt pleased that I haven't agreed to something that would become an absolute nightmare to do.

My sister had a reading done from a pic of me and her with our dad when we were little and sent me the info she was given; what a load of rubbish.  Have told her, politely, that what she's been told is nothing like I remember.  Haven't heard back from her but again am feeling content with myself for not agreeing to it all (it read like a fishing expedition to me, no information that made you think 'how could she have known that'; it was things like 'I think he's a relative - maybe a dad, or grandad, or uncle' - covering all the bases!

[lighter]

Well I had no idea what a cicada was, and now that I've seen Hopsie's photo of one I'm not sure I want to meet one!  They really look like giant hornets when they're on their backs.  And they're too small to be the cicadas I'm familiar with..... the lovely spring green ones. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and my yard is shot full of more holes this morning after last night's rain.  They just keep coming. 

Lighter, I have a tendency to try and fix rather than just listen.  Sometimes I think if you've been through a lot you end up with quite a lot of ideas about how to fix things and it's hard to keep them to yourself.  I also wonder if mine is to compensate for the fact that no-one tried to fix anything for me when I was younger so I had to work it all out on my own.  I've often wondered what it would have been like if I'd had a wise, caring, benevolent mother with a lot of life experience who could have helped me through some of those rough spots.  So sometimes I think I try to give people what I wish I'd had.  I think I'm also aware that if people don't offer my thoughts or advice I feel like I don't care.  Maybe the fact that your DD just wants you to listen means that she feels strong enough and loved enough to work it out on her own and knows that if she makes a mistake you'll still be there for her?  I don't think we had that as kids.  I think I filled a role for my mother.... and so did my sister.... that we became the keeper of her emotions at the expense of our own individual feelings.  We're both problem solvers for others and doing doing doing for others.  It's time to stop, and observe this, as we can, and just stop, IME.  Without judgement, and without becoming overwhelmed... just to sit.  I don't know if my sister can do that, but I'm certainly trying.

I don't think silence is an abusive thing when you yourself are dealing with an abusive person;   I think in some cases it's the only way you can manage a situation without getting dragged back into it over and over again.  I feel like I'm too tired these days to have to explain to someone something that seems blindingly obvious to me.  I feel too tired for a lot of things these days   I think I've figured out some deeper dynamics, within my FOO, to offer some helpful, or potentially helpful information, as I withdrawal in some of the relationships.  I don't have to be silent.... I can speak my piece, and not feel the desire to explain, but just give information.  Then I'll have to be careful about getting hooked into conversations that aren't productive, which will bring more growth as I see it.

But in other news - boundary setting has carried on!  I have a couple of birthdays coming up, a friend's husband and an unreliable friend, who I've mentioned before.  I decided I was just going to buy each a small, inexpensive gift and not make a big deal out of it, simply because I'd rather have the money for myself and my son.  The friend's husband I wouldn't be in touch with at all if it weren't for the friend and the unreliable friend is, well, unreliable and I can't be bothered to trapse around looking for the perfect gift for someone who hasn't bothered to phone for two months.  Didn't feel guilty; in fact felt quite pleased that I managed to find something quickly and easily.It's the feeling pleased about it that's so triumphant, IME.  When it all makes sense, and you have peace with it.... THEN you've grown beyond DOING DOING DOING to feel OK?

I heard something the other day..... "Don't just DO SOMETHING, Sit there."  I loved it as it references breaking our cycles, and habits.  You didn't sit, you purchased gifts appropriate to the relationship AND took care of yourself and your son FIRST this time. 

I went to start my little cleaning job this evening, got there only to be told the hours are much later than I had been led to believe so I said I couldn't do it.  They tried to get me to change my mind but I said no and went home again and felt pleased that I haven't agreed to something that would become an absolute nightmare to do.  I feel like you're triumphantly riding a bucking bronco, and keeping your seat as you enforce simple boundaries, and feel no regret!  YES!  Go Tupp: )

My sister had a reading done from a pic of me and her with our dad when we were little and sent me the info she was given; what a load of rubbish.  Have told her, politely, that what she's been told is nothing like I remember.  Haven't heard back from her but again am feeling content with myself for not agreeing to it all (it read like a fishing expedition to me, no information that made you think 'how could she have known that'; it was things like 'I think he's a relative - maybe a dad, or grandad, or uncle' - covering all the bases!  I remember a good friend of mine giving advice to me...... "Consider the source, and dismiss."  It was very good advice.

I recently had a friend send a pic of me and my girls for a reading.... sort of voo doo stuff...... and the outcome was that I was cursed, and my children were not.  Real or not, it feels that way sometimes, though I can clearly see how my choices are at the heart of things, rather than any curse.   Light/color]