End of the Road Farm

[sKePTiKal]

Well, it feels like a new phase here... so new thread. The "crap" thread was getting long in the tooth anyway. And we're having a "false spring" now for a few days. The geese are back honking their pleasure with how full the pond is... and all the things I didn't get done last summer are still there.

How does that happen?! Where have those pesky elves gotten off to? I spent yesterday in front of a special edition of Apocalypse Now with my garden catalogs... looking up websites, etc on the ipad. And then I remembered - well - first you need DIRT, and some levelled paths... and beds... and tools where I will use them...

So I've had a nice navel-gazing at home vacation. I got new glasses (and yes, brain works better when the visual input is clearer! New eye doctor speaks a little neuroscience.) The Amy thing looks temporarily BETTER with a promise of her finally dealing with it, once and for all - if she sticks with it. I'm getting a lot more comfortable running into the big town "over the mountain"... it's getting light earlier and dark later... and I MIGHT have turned over enough rocks on the dating website to find someone who's actually local to me, that seems cozy - not really trying to prove anything, and is looking to just "explore" possibilities. We'll be talking off the website, because like me... he's got some issues with it.

So, to keep myself still trusting myself that I can do this without wading into a sinkhole filled with snakes & alligators... I'm going to run scotch tape over my bathroom mirror and write "boundaries!!!" on it in sharpie. He's a year younger than me and I still feel like a cougar because of it. Then, I remind myself of how I felt around Ronnie (until we talked) and the fact he's Holly's age.

And I think I've seen something new about myself in this process... how I work really really hard to "be there" for people... in hopes that they like me. Sometimes to my own detriment - because quite simply and uncomplicatedly - I'm just lonely. Much as my solitude has been freeing and healing... being extreme solitude... it's time for a new balance.

I don't want to be as busy working as was last summer. I want to build in time in that schedule for people and things that are good for me. Move a little slower while I'm working on the "next phase" around here... because I need to pay attention to what it "wants to be"... not what I can make out of it.

[Twoapenny]

That all sounds really good and positive, Skep.  Steps forward, slowing down a bit, looking for opportunities but not needing to rush into anything or make something happen.  I'll keep my fingers crossed on the Amy situation.  Keep us updated with things as they happen xx

[lighter]

Ok..... I'm going to skip the speel about not giving too much information....or your town....or address.....or complete social history until he's spilled his and you've talked to a couple exs.

This....

Is new skipping that.

:: nodding::.

[sKePTiKal]

uh..... yep Lighter. I've been digging through the internet looking for a trail. Not finding much either. Spideysense is wary.

One marriage; she died 5 years ago. Business website has some.... oddities to it. Web presence is awfully sparse. I'm going to dig just a little deeper before I attempt a reply. And then, I'll be asking some local-area type questions. Can't be too careful with people on the internet - especially sites like that.

[Hopalong]

Bravo. I love how you're approaching this.

Interested while intelligent.
Excited while not letting fantasy outstrip reality.
Attracted while waiting to verify.

Yes yes.

My big one, (from my own experience bias) is that since writing is my comfort zone, the way I both open myself to others AND "manage" my presentation thus actually remain in "hiding"...means I can get caught in lengthy online relationships with men that take so much energy, fuel my fantasizing side endlessly, and allow me to AVOID real-life men....is tricky.

When you're literally geographically isolated, much less alone...you can't build real connection online unless it's the kind of thing where you never have serious hopes of meeting this man IRL.

I'm babbling, but Judith Sills' advice has stayed with me. DON'T -- if you're looking for a real-life mate -- build a huge relationship in writing or correspondence. START it there, of course. That's great! And teddibly modern. But if a spark of interest sustains itself over a few written exchanges, move it to the real or step away.

Because all the time and energy and emotion and imagination and wondering and hoping that you invest in writing emails....is time and energy and emotion and imagination and discovery that you cannot invest in a person sitting across from you.

Coffee.

If possible and plausible and workable for you.

And if not...then maybe the online romance is what you need. I feel my opinions TOO strongly and tend to generalize them as right for everybody else. And I do think that's a pattern of mine and consider myself busted (while offering it anyway, fwiw).

Oy, I wear myself out.

Tickled pink to hear you've reached out and that something happened. Just dunno yet what the something is, and don't want you hurt or disappointed in any way that might cause you to further retrench.

It's good to get out of the trenches, and into the sunshine.

(Preaching to self, as I hide in my bed avoiding my decision about very likely dumping B...more on that on Heist.)

love to you,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well I think this was a false alarm, ladies.

My "useful big brother" who really IS that kind of engineer... is helping me dig. I hit an immediate pothole when one of the photos he sent me clearly looked photoshopped. So I checked out the company website... LOOKS legit... until you find out there are no technical docs behind the links. A bare bones LinkedIn profile for the CEO (with absolutely NO personal data; just a blurb about the company). That's not at all how CEOs use LinkedIn. I haven't checked facebook, because I deactivated my account there.

Now, I know how easy it is build a web presence to legitimize just about anything. So, I started going deeper. Local county public records have nothing - no phone number, no address, no tax records for this guy. So I looked up the company address in Texas.

Google resolves that to a townhouse, and tax records show someone else owns it. OK, so he's renting it... but when I did a reverse DNS lookup on the website... the domain name for the company (with the typo in it) is still available for sale. And there is another company of the same name in Florida (without the typo in the web address). Better Business Bureau in TX never heard of the company.

Once upon a time, there was a rash of people buying domains with a slight typo in it... to trick people into thinking it was their familiar legit website, so they'd provide personal info for identity theft. The kind of searching I'm doing online is something Mike was genius at. We had several occasions to use his techniques when we were trying to verify that something was on the up & up.

Think I'll take my time replying to his email. There are some good questions I can ask about where he says he's living now... to catch him in his lies. (Which was something he said he hates in relationships... a couple of times, which also caught my eye as being... odd, this early on.) Think this is a scam, ladies. Way too many things that don't pan out; aren't on the up & up.

[Hopalong]

Oh my GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!

Could you simply click the link to report him to the website and back away, let others fix this?

Sheesh. This does not deserve your precious interest, imo.

SO glad you're dodging this bullet and resent that you even got it fired at you.

Pfffft.

Hops

[lighter]

Now see.....THIS is why I don't date.  The idea I'd actually invite more chaos into my life is untenable....pretty much consistently.  I see people around me dealing with chaos and feel conflicted....one part of me admires their bravery and grit....

The other part is totally flipping out...... and then I remember DD's bf.  That there are nice men out there.  That nice people don't have to get snapped up only by the personality disordered.

Right?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Bingo.

What I'm REALLY asking, Amber, is...why reply to his email at ALL?

Why take the bait?

Why spend another minute trying to prove something that wastes your time?

What, if you want to look at it this way...what are you getting out of spending one minute further?

(That I think, is where the fruitful insights lie.)

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I think you should work for the FBI!  Oh my goodness, what a lot of kerfuffle.  Do people do this to scam money or to hide things like being married or something like that?  You might end up on Catfish I hope this doesn't cause problems for you, Skep, it sounds a bit scary xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well, since I inherited the business, I had to learn a lot of things about protecting myself from those who would take advantage. My doc big brother has also pounded it into my head. And then, it's always been easier for me to talk about "feeling things" with complete strangers online... and never ever breathe a word of how my situation financially is laid out. So......... he doesn't know my name; doesn't know where I live; there is absolutely nothing he can find to identify me without having some more information.

So..... flirting I can do, without giving away any important data. It's fun, I'm a little rusty, and truly scared of just this kind of thing. So.... except for the Viking revenge fantasies I've got - LOL - I'll probably just kill that email address... block him on the website... and simply not play his little game. I got work to do anyway.

I'll chalk it up to a good lesson about how quick I am to be flattered by attention. And try to remember that from now on. I've kissed enough toads in my day, looking for a prince. One failure of this sort isn't enough to dissuade me. (The number of toads might though.)

Lighter, I KNOW about this risk going into the situation. It's a calculated risk; like how many toads you go through before finding a prince. I'm not making this full time pursuit/hobby either. I really do have too much to do to waste a lot of time looking at these pages & pages of guys like I was picking out a new rake or curtains. If I don't take the risk... I'm choosing to be alone, it feels like. And I know I don't want to choose that for myself. If that's what happens, I'm OK with it... but I'm not going to overtly deny myself either.

Ya know: the steps I'm making are probably smaller than I realize. They feel big... but just being able to take the risk talking/flirting is only one small step to "getting back on the horse".

[lighter]

Well, you sound pragmatic enough about this, Amber.

Wading in, with eyes wide open, is what you're ready for.

Wade away, and we'll learn as you go;. )

Light

[sKePTiKal]

The baby-chick Viking woke up PO'd. Only partly at being misled by this guy. More at myself.

60 some years of experience moving through the same environment filled with predators (of one sort or another) and well-honed SOP defenses (the shield wall)... and simple lonliness blinded me for a moment and let myself believe in a fairy-tale and trust someone... only to have none of it check out... and to have that hope dashed uncermoniously on the rocks of factual evidence. Who knows? I might've continued talking to him, IF, he'd been honest about who he was. Even the VAT tax number on his website didn't check out; useful brother checked on that for me.

I would theorize that there is probably a lot of room between the two extremes of completely open and vulnerable (and blind) and the self-limiting steel bunker-mentality. And that I've never really been completely one way or the other, though the tendency has been more bunker than not. Mostly because I was so detached from feeling anything for so long, that it was way out of my comfort zone to be that trusting. And to trust myself to feel anything from that realm was a no-no... because I seem to have that primal desire to fall all the way into it without engaging brain.

It sure was a whole lot easier to navigate that feeling continuum with new people, when I knew Mike had my back. And I depended on it. Didn't have to do the work, myself; I had a ready 2nd opinion. Maybe.... it's idea time... maybe I need to think of this as more of a "job interview" and I'm looking for those kinds of qualifications - someone to have my back, help me feel safe, that I can trust. All prioritized above the mooshy-gooshy fairy-tale stuff.

I certainly wouldn't hire someone who faked their resume and wouldn't think twice about passing them over for someone with real potential.

[Twoapenny]

The baby-chick Viking woke up PO'd. Only partly at being misled by this guy. More at myself.

60 some years of experience moving through the same environment filled with predators (of one sort or another) and well-honed SOP defenses (the shield wall)... and simple lonliness blinded me for a moment and let myself believe in a fairy-tale and trust someone... only to have none of it check out... and to have that hope dashed uncermoniously on the rocks of factual evidence. Who knows? I might've continued talking to him, IF, he'd been honest about who he was. Even the VAT tax number on his website didn't check out; useful brother checked on that for me.

I would theorize that there is probably a lot of room between the two extremes of completely open and vulnerable (and blind) and the self-limiting steel bunker-mentality. And that I've never really been completely one way or the other, though the tendency has been more bunker than not. Mostly because I was so detached from feeling anything for so long, that it was way out of my comfort zone to be that trusting. And to trust myself to feel anything from that realm was a no-no... because I seem to have that primal desire to fall all the way into it without engaging brain.

It sure was a whole lot easier to navigate that feeling continuum with new people, when I knew Mike had my back. And I depended on it. Didn't have to do the work, myself; I had a ready 2nd opinion. Maybe.... it's idea time... maybe I need to think of this as more of a "job interview" and I'm looking for those kinds of qualifications - someone to have my back, help me feel safe, that I can trust. All prioritized above the mooshy-gooshy fairy-tale stuff.

I certainly wouldn't hire someone who faked their resume and wouldn't think twice about passing them over for someone with real potential.

Skep, I think you're being too hard on yourself; you had no reason to doubt anything this guy told you (and personally, as much as I've been let down and done over over the years I still really don't want to become a cynical, untrusting person) and you very sensibly (and with ninja like skills!) checked out his info and found it to be false.  You didn't let yourself be blinded because you were lonely; you assumed he was a decent human being instead of judging him instantly (something I tend to do and am working on), you found out some info about him and checked it and when you found it was bogus you deleted him (or whatever the equivalent action is!).  Sensible and balanced approach and one that has stood you in good stead

I think it's sensible to think in terms of 'job interview' and to look for the key qualities that are important for you.  The minute a guy I barely know starts paying me compliments I switch off, because I think it's just smooze.  I want honestly, reliability, cool head in a crisis kind of people around me (male and female).  So be pissed off for a bit but don't let it set you back too far; you caught this before any harm was done and unfortunately the internet has bred a whole new kind of con artist but you saw it for what it was and didn't get taken in by it. xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Tupp. I'm going to work off some of my ego-bruises and stomped hopes and PO'd-ness. It's trying to be spring here... and there is just SOOOO much to do - inside, still and out.