Relationship/s

[lighter]

Poor pooch: ) 

I'm happy to read your garden is producing yummy warm fresh things for you still.

I haven't checked my tomatoes in a while.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

I know, Pooch must have been so traumatized
(by the sight of a bunnywabbit half her size...).


Good luck with your tomatoes!

Hops

[lighter]

You sound good, Hops.

I'm sorry things didn't work out as you'd hoped.  Perhaps this is practice for what comes next. 

Something wonderful, this way comes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Well, I'm always reluctant to predict or fantasize about romance...but thanks for the thought.

I've learned that keeping my feet firmly on the ground for as long as I can is a big help in retaining enough relationship with myself to save myself from long-term harm, I think. Even with this relationship, a year and five months before I accepted it couldn't work long term was progress. I've spent far far longer in mismatches at other points in my life, and don't regret this relationship, so by my snaily standards, this is growth.

Just growth for me, though. Doesn't guarantee anything about anyone I may meet.

Meanwhile, I'm growing in more ways than one...have been putting on weight with emotional eating. Not happy about that. Too much food in the house to get through quarantine, and lack of activity due to heat...and isolation. Hope to get a grip soon.

thanks,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Well, at the risk of giving y'all a case of the head-snap...
I'd like to say I just had a lovely Zoom chat with a very nice gentleman.
(I think deep down, I have a fair amount of tolerance for risk taking.)

What happened was that on a neighborhood website, a man posted a sincere request for recommendations for good couples counselors, because he was trying to help friends of his. I leaped to recommend the Sikh with a few descriptive lines. The man wrote me back his appreciation, saying it was the "fullest" response he'd received.

I thought: nice, clearly my generation, educated, why not? So I replied, I'm finding this quarantine really wearing and wonder if you might have a nice divorced/widowed friend who likewise might enjoy practicing Zoom conversation?

He replied he did...gave some details. I replied again, great, happy to, give him my email, etc. And then he replied...it's me.

Long story shorter, we yakked away for almost an hour and a half this afternoon and both enjoyed it. I'm sure we could be friends in "normal" life, and said so. He said the same.

Just FRIEND stuff, but I feel proud of myself for reaching out. One never knows!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Hops, that's great news, I'm really proud of you as well!  How lovely, a new lockdown friend, that interesting 'getting to know you' phase and I like the fact he was looking for a therapist for friends of his - indicates he values a bit of outside support and introspection when needed, I would have thought   Aw, how lovely.  That's really nice, positive news.  Does him posting on your neighbourhood website mean he lives in your area as well or is the area his friends live in?  I'm very excited to read this update xx

[sKePTiKal]

Good news, Hops. There's not a thing wrong with adding a new friend. And who knows? Perhaps at some point, things will shift into something more later. It does happen. But being friends first, is the perfect way to determine how many layers of masks there are to the person - and just what they might be trying to cover up. Without having so much at risk yourself.

For as much as you are clearly an introvert, you genuinely have an interest in people; and care about them as human beings. And you value your connection with other people. I'm happy you reached out to this one - and that it's evolved into occasional companionship already. As far as I'm concerned, a comfortable companionship is 90% of what makes long term relationships work. Sounds old fashioned - but we're already from a past century right? LOLOLOL.

[lighter]

Really good news, Hops.

I have more connection, now with COVID, than I have in the last 15 years before.  People are reaching out more on neighborhood boards, as your new friend did.  We have chances to encounter more people, and people seem to be posting about smaller things they're interested in.  I just learned my new moss friend moved into the neighborhood the same year I did.... we've been a mile apart for FIVE years!  Just crazy it took COVID to find each other. 

And... of course this gentleman was impressed with your recommendation. You're a wonderful, thoughtful writer.  He's likely enchanted.  Have fun!

Another bright spot in quarantine, IME.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, everybody. I truly enjoyed it...no regrets.

I've noticed, however, that despite me saying at the end of our chat how much I enjoyed it, and that we could do it again (and him agreeing)...crickets.

I'm not too focused on this, but notice that my thoughts are running in the direction of reciprocity (lacking). I reached out in the first place, he did respond, and so I'm thinking (like an adolescent)...who moves next?

And I have a sort of stubbornness about not wanting to contact him again. I am very leery of being the bold one, the one who drives some connection. I want it reciprocal. At the same time, he did mention that he's "shy."

So perhaps I'll contact him Monday to say something. Maybe like, Want to Zoom again? And just see what he says. That's not too vulnerable or revealing.

But if I do that the once, I think it'd be wise to actually tell him about how I feel about reciprocity.

I've been down the one-way who's-pursuing road before, and never want to again.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops, that makes complete sense to me.

YOU being completely authentic, honest and up front about yourself, and your expectations.... that's good information and you're entitled to speak and have your opinions and make your moves.

Dropping expectations, around what he does, is important too, I think. 

You can only control yourself and your choices.  Step up.  Listen to your intuition.  Be brave.  Don't fear the outcome.  Get curious about it.

I think bravely being yourself will move you through decisions and outcomes more quickly. 

I have no problem asking someone for time or attention, though it's morphed through the years into a what I want, rather than what I need.... as something OUTSIDE myself to BRING ME HAPPINESS.   Now it's just desire for healthy connection, and I'm entitled to that.   It's not a big thing to ask for.  It's OK to seek it out and it's OK when it doesn't work out the way we would have hoped.

I guess the big things is.... to remember you aren't asking for a wedding date here.

It's just a chat, or coffee, and it's OK no matter what happens.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.
I agree with and appreciate all your advice.
Nope, no wedding bell accelerations...just was a little sorry he hadn't been in touch.
And you're right, it's okay no matter what.

But I'll remedy that with what CB suggested...just contact him (email) and see what happens next. I also appreciated your wisdom, CB, that getting all heavy about "reciprocity" would be more weight than this skimpy contact merits. Look for actions rather than instructing him, sounds very smart.

I so appreciate youse guys. Thank you.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Well, new friend and I had our fourth Zoom yak today and it was very pleasant. We agreed nothing at stake, and just nice to have such very frank conversation with a new person. (He mentioned "we're not looking for marriage" which was good for me to take note of, not that I'm viewing him romantically, at least not now. I am firm on the "friends first" philosophy Amber mentioned, so if that's the level it stays on, that's fine too.)

He's uber-cerebral and makes M's use of high-flown vocabulary seem lightweight. Whew. It's fun, but after an hour and a half I need a nap, kinda thing. Both brains steaming and the words and concepts flying.

It was nice hearing him talk about a long and happy marriage. Despite it being two years, he's clearly still healing and grieving. He's quirky and in some ways kind of antisocial, or emptysocial is more like it. But I enjoy the company and the talking. So that's that. I didn't tell him about the ED visit. Did tell him in summary about my D, and his response was comforting, attuned. What a contrast. He understood what had happened and didn't play out "oh I'm traumatized you even told me" kind of thing I've dealt with 50 too many times in the last 8 years. I appreciated that.

We may do an outside-sit kind of meet before the cold kicks in. I'd enjoy that.

Meanwhile it's a low-stress adventure via Zoom!

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Nice, Hops.
 A relaxed face to face sounds like welcome diversion to me.  I bet he's glad to talk to someone who can understand all his big words; )

That he understood your situation with dd seems comforting.... not to have to comfort the listener is a relief.  Finding a compassionate ear is validating and welcome.  I'm glad you had a positive experience.

I picture you and Pooch greeting him on your patio with snacks and beverages.  It makes my heart feel glad.  I wonder if he'll ask if he can bring something.  What would you say?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

That sounds nice, Hops, he sounds like good company, virtual or otherwise, and I like the fact he was happily married.  It implies less baggage to sift through, friend or otherwise.  And nice for you to just be able to talk to someone and not have all the mental mind leaps that go with a possible relationship.  Good to have a Zoom buddy and maybe a real life one, too xx

[sKePTiKal]

Excellent Hops! Be friends; get to know him. Let him get to know you too. Just be together.
No expectations of more - just be together and respect each other; learn each other's boundaries and enjoy yourself.

That's more than enough to entertain, right now.