@ Hops yes I have money for a while. It will evaporate towards rent and food and medical bills most likely. They offered me a decent blob of money to stay and finish my job till they closed the department down otherwise we would all have left. It's why I stayed even though I was burnt out.
@ Two I don't care what kind of job it is. Whatever pays the most only that I can't stand on my feet all day, feet and legs are trashed, I have to sit down. I know that is general but I learned from working in healthcare that when everything all shakes out the only thing that matters is money = survival.
Nobody needs to read this it's just a long venting moment.
Day by day, moment by moment right. Long ramble here. I'm writing this down just to make myself feel better maybe. To clear my mind of my feelings. Mainly feelings of frustration. The frustration being mainly I have had a lot of similar admin jobs, office jobs, no special skills.
l'm sitting at Starbucks waiting for a group of repairmen to get out of my apartment. They are repairing very minor things like nails protruding slightly out of the walls of the house. I'm renting like a separated MIL unit. It's expensive. A couple of people have told me their mortgages are less. This will be the fourth freaking day of them needing to enter my unit because the owner wants them to fix these stupid little blemishes all due to shoddy workmanship in the first place. Anyhow that is why I am sitting in this uncomfortable chair at starbucks listening to Starbucks music. I started from being mellow about it to a mounting irritation that they are showing up at 7:45 AM and leaving at 6:00 PM at night and all they need to do is put some touch up paint on more or less.
So I'm killing time, my shoulders are sore, I didn't have a proper breakfast meal. I went onto the website for our local employment office. I haven't contacted unemployment yet. Monday was dedicated to letting the dentist pick at me. Tuesday and Wednesday I was kicked out of my home all day. So I guess Thursday I will call them.
Oh so anyways I was looking over the workshops they offer at this unemployment office. I will probably sign up for some eventually as they count towards "job contacts" for getting unemployment checks. I really want to look into what training is available before I get pushed into just another dead end job like I've had most of my life.
I'm not feeling excited. I'm feeling pretty burnt out on jobs in general. It's not because I'm lazy. I've just spent so much of my life time at a job that is boring and only gets me by but never gets me to some sort of next level.
I'm in my early 40's now. Out of all the workshops that I was reading through the one that popped out at me the most was for people 45 and older, now I'm not that old yet BUT I am identifying with feeling OLD. I feel I have aged a lot in the last 3 or 4 years. Maybe it's genetic. I'm not sure.
I feel that I am perpetually an entry level employee, it's not satisfying, it's not dignified, not respectable. Not motivating.
l should be excited I am getting a retention bonus soon. I don't feel excited. The money doesn't seem fun. It's a buffer that I am thankful for. Though I did work for it.
What is really running through my mind is how people with GOOD jobs, real careers, real educations don't use these stupid unemployment offices, they don't go to these workshops. I liken these types of workshops as pointless. I've done this kind of stuff before when I was homeless and none of these stupid workshops had anything to do with my re-employment. I feel they are geared towards housewives who want to find a menial job for the first time in their lives. That sounds bad. I'm not sure how else to say what I mean. What I mean is that part of the verbiage for the employment office website states that it's set up to get people off welfare. It's focused on such a lowly level. I don't relate to needing to get off of welfare as I'm not on welfare. It's also not enough in 2019 to just "get people off welfare". I guess I just feel frustrated that I always fall between. Or I think I fall between. I'm neither wealthy nor in poverty, I am a souless zombie. What I am getting at is that nothing in these offices really makes people competitive in this area. It's a metropolitan area. It's standard that a person has to be a millionaire to purchase a home here.
Of course I have a very small speck of interest in some of the paid for retraining courses at community colleges. I'm just not sure how much in rent and food and savings and general life expenses that would cost me even if the schooling is paid for. AND how much of my pathetic savings should I spend on it. I am very bored. Even the basic computer program things on my resume I once could do I no longer know how to do because it's been years. It's been years since I've learned anything new it feels like. I'm worried about my brain rotting. I'm also worried that maybe I have become more dumb over the years. Is my brain aging this badly or is it because I haven't learned any new skills in probably at least ten years or more.
I guess maybe I am now considered a non-traditional student because of my age. Which means maybe I qualify for something who knows.
Maybe this all sounds negative, I'm just trying to work out my real feelings. The truth is IF there is anything useful out there for me I need my feelings of frustration to NOT get in the way. I just need to know what my options are and right now I'm not entirely sure.
I've got like 4 dental fillings I need to do and then repair two chips and repair a filling that the previous dentist didn't do well. I know this is good for me but it's not a vacation. It's not relaxing. That's okay. I'm just going to accept that for the moment I can't relax too much. It's just more about being productive. I guess I can blame myself for procrastination.
I hate jargon, I hate teams etc. In life people pay money for something they want or need. Life is so simple and basic.
Some guy came in and spoke to us he was from a union consortium group of sorts from our state capitol. He was saying how he has seen some people's lives drastically change for the better by taking doing retraining. At the same time I never understand how people afford to PAY their living expenses if they are not working. Education is always extraneous.
Something has happened I think I do feel deeply sarcastic even though I'm not an opportunistic mean person, maybe it's cynicism. What is it? When you feel sick of people, sick of customers, sick of life, sick of systems.. lol It's a combination of being very bored and tired. I can't imagine myself doing well during an interview right now. I don't want to be fake. The way women are meant to go further extremes to make themselves look good. I don't want to get dressed up everyday. I haven't worn makeup in years and years. I didn't want this last job I just got laid off from. I was there for at least five years and I never loved it. I never even liked it. I liked the routine, I liked having a window to look out. Having some plants on my desk. It's kind of like I am dead inside at work. Really a zombie. The employment office makes me think of zombie re-employment which makes me smile if I picture that literally. It's like a state or federal government office that isn't meant to help people live their best lives by any stretch of the imagination. The whole system is set up to get people back into the same cycle of drugery. Now I am ranting. But it's really important I get it off my chest and out of my system BECAUSE god knows I can not say this to people at the employment office, I can't say it to recruiters or anybody. I can only KNOW how I feel to myself. I have to just fill out paperwork etc matter of fact. Figure out what my real budget is and timelines for classes if I do take some which I think is very unrealistic. I'm kind of the low level of working class people.
In my last job we were more or less treated like children. It's been a VERY long time since I felt like I had free time, since I could spend my week doing whatever I need or want to do. The doctor and medical catch up appointments are no brainers. I don't think I am going to apply for jobs until May. I want to take this time for myself. I'm sick of people telling me what to do and where to go and what time I have to be there.
I need to rein myself in. I'm sad that I have wasted so much time not building a life, no retirement. It's just reality. At this point isn't it about trying to enjoy life a little bit. Like whats left of it. Pretty soon it's the 50's then it's the 60's and if people make it that far the 70's gets pretty limiting for a lot of people. Physically.
I guess I wish this re-employment wasn't haphazard or desperate. I don't want to be prodded and managed either, funneled along in a unpersonalized system. This is my f-ing life already. I need to limit the amount of time I spend in these stupid employment offices even though they encourage us to use them. Resume help I could use. I don't know how I am going to change it for a this point.
If I get up to pee someone is going to take my spot at this cafe table. I want to go sit on my rental Ikea sofa at home.
I'm even annoyed at the term "re-entering the workforce" It sounds so institutional. What is the workforce anyhow? It sounds like going to prison or coming out of prison.
