I haven't visited this thead in a long time and wanted to update.
Big changes I notice are
i have decreasing need or compulstion to fix or otherwise DO things for other people. Sometimes I still knee jerk offer to help my girls with something, particularly if they're expressing any upset or frustration.....but on reflection see and understand how everyone is served better if I trust them to handle things for themselves and allow them to get on with it.
Recently I experienced what I consideered very healthy feelings of NOT wanting to jump in and do do do or help my recently widowed friend. She's used to me jumping in, suggesting projects and pushing till they're complete or close to done.... it's always been my way, but not this trip, so much.
I did fix the laundry problems, bc I had to...... just can't let sour laundry go. No big deal..... she let me wihtout too much struggle,. but I think it set the tone for her expectation I'd be doing doing doing and pushing to DO other things.... and I just wanted to sit there, eat mommy food she cooked and be still in her space...... laugh with her.... cry with her, which we did, but my spirit felt very serene in a chair, it really did.
So this is my take away......
the things I felt would improve her life by a lot....... I jumped in and helped out on. This included the laundry problems, identifying space on her porch for comfortable furniture on which she and perhaps I will nap..... shopping for that furniture all over Atlanta, which lead to her selecting furniture on her own after I left,which was great.
I wanted to see the venue she was looking at for the memorial service.... it was lovely and felt just right.
But I didn' want to do much of anything else, besides go through photos, talk about our shared memories and perhaps the addition of party lights on her deck, which I'd be happy to help hang.
I will say this...... when I got there she'd been busy ordering and receiving a lot of new furniture in anticipation of hosting family for the Memorial service. I took the tour, but was in no mood to lift anything heavy or do math or solve traffic flow issues. I did want to remove some of the furniture, and we moved some things around... but small things and the trip was great. I felt happy and the familiar smell of Spring in Atlanta took me right back to 2004 and 2005 Easter egg hunt memories with the girls and visits with Auntie P and how it felt to be blissfully ignorant of what my ASPD H was and was doing..... I was very happy raising our children alone. ASPD H being gone was a good thing and it all came back... all felt lovely...... I awnted to plant a tomato garden again and roll around in it with the girls when they were 2 and 4. There were zero negative memories popping up. I felt 40 and free and happy again.... like traveling back in time. Just lovely.
So, what's left when co dependent habits fade or go away? Space. It gets filled with something else, in this case. I guess some relationships end, as Tupp talked about.
I used to be very uncomfortable if I wasn't "helping" others....just generally in public or at social gatherings. I was always helping to set up or cook or clean up and that was something I'm not sure I would have given up if asked. I remember saying that out loud, to myself and a couple other people. It was frustrating... I knew it wasn't good ro right,but it was the way it was. LOTS of anxiety around doing anything else, I'll tell you that. NOW..... that's changed and there's space for noticing what's there now. I visit with friends and let them host without my intervention or jumping in or cleaning eveerything up and it feels really nice to BE nurtured and cared for in that way.
I relaxed into allowing others to do that, not just snap it all up for myself..... and then it was just different... all changed when I wasn't looking or working on it.
While the girls were sick with Covid, my Moss friend came by with a little plant and the sweetest card. She dropped it and ran, but we've spoken since and caught up.... talked about getting to gether..... reassured each other in ways only we can reassure each other, bc were so similar.... just very reciprocal and important to us both. I look forward to vistiing them again soon..... her dh cooks and we catch up....spend time in her art studio..... anything we do together is happy and we all join in. I don't have many frineds like that.
My firiend in the hospital used to talk at me a lot. He would date the same types of women,married, and tell the same stories over and over and I finally told him he could talk to me about this last gf when she got a divorce. Oddly,they're still together, even though she's still married...... whatever that story.....it's working out.
The last time I talked to him he was driving to Florida and wanted to talk about the current gf's refusal to buy into his qanon nonsense,which was not something I was going to back him up on. I cut to the chase and told him.....
::wincing::.
I told him is need to always be right in his relationships with women was "tedious." I feel a good bit of discomfort reading that or thinking about it. ALL the times I listened to him, and validated him and this ONE time I'm honest and it's maybe the last thing I said to him.
Oh well..... an honest friend has value too, even if the listener isn't in a place to appreciate the honesty. I don't regret being honest,bc he's smart and needs to be aware of the patterns he's repeating in his life so he has a chance to grow through them and beyond.
They began lowering his temperature this morning. I'm told he tried to take the covers off and his eyes opened....not that they blinked or saw anything, just opened. I'll try to see him next week before leaving again...no matter what happens. He was a good friend to me while we were raising children together...his dd was my oldest ddL's best friend. It wasn't reciprocal,but I was grateful to have help and company and fellowship.... he went on school trips and I took his dd when he had to be away and handled the classroom stuff... sort of tag teamed and made sure we were ok and the kids were OK. But not reciprocal and he knew it. He asked if it was and I lied and said it was,but it wasn't. I'm trying to figure out if my recent honesty was about evening things up OR being helpful OR putting a boundary up bc it was past time. I think it was the latter 2 and I get to have boundaries.
I'm sure I'm able to speak with more compassion and less reactivity now. I wish I'd been able to when I chose the word tedious,but it really was dead on how it felt. I'm very happy to hear truth, even when it's not what I want to hear. I have to remember not everyone wants to hear the truth and everyone deserves compassion.....
even me.
Lighter
