Just wondering how you would answer this question?

[Bettyanne]

Hi friends...
I'm dealing with my husband having prostate cancer that spread and now a sarcoma cancer formed in his leg.

If your husband or spouse was dying of cancer would you dump their meds and fill with sugar?

That is what my NM did to my dad many years ago.....When I ask this question of a so called friend the answer I got was that is what people did at the time.
OMG who could do that to anyone who is in so much pain and dying?  The friend who answered me and said that is what people did....I think is another Narcissistic/Borderline?
What do you think of the question and this friend?
Another friend said to me did she dislike him that much?  I remember my mother said a week after my dad died she was happy he died....
My dad was sweet and kind man.....but what kind of person would do this to someone in that much pain???
Thanks, Bettyanne

[lighter]

Hi friends...
I'm dealing with my husband having prostate cancer that spread and now a sarcoma cancer formed in his leg.

If your husband or spouse was dying of cancer would you dump their meds and fill with sugar?
Closing mouth after it hung open so long my tongue dried off::.

That is what my NM did to my dad many years ago.....When I ask this question of a so called friend the answer I got was that is what people did at the time.
OMG who could do that to anyone who is in so much pain and dying?  The friend who answered me and said that is what people did....I think is another Narcissistic/Borderline?  Ummm.... your mom dumped pain meds necessary to keep your father comfortable while he died of cancer?  That is super F'd up, and I can see no positive reason for doing that.
What do you think of the question and this friend?  Maybe that's what sociopaths do with their spouse's pain meds, but it's not what compassionate people do with them, IME.
Another friend said to me did she dislike him that much?  I remember my mother said a week after my dad died she was happy he died....
My dad was sweet and kind man.....but what kind of person would do this to someone in that much pain??? I realize I'm judging here, and I wish I could change that in a day, but I can't.  The kind of person who would do that is someone who lacks empathy for others, is controlling, and feels the rules don't apply to them.  Super PD, IME.  Super not OK.  I wonder what happened to your mother that made her that way.   Surely, there's some trauma in her early years.
 So sorry to read that, Bettyanne.  I'm sure you're a wonderful mate and caregiver for your husband.  I'm sorry the situation is bringing up your father's situation, but maybe working through it is a good thing.  Maybe it's time to deal with all that information, and make sense of it,  so you can finish and put it away for good?

Take care,
Lighter
Thanks, Bettyanne

[Twoapenny]

Oh BettyAnne, it's so hard to be in a situation like yours anyway, and then to have it evoke or trigger earlier experiences is even harder.  I do feel for you.

I am in agreement with Lighter.  Yes, there is a lot of stuff that people 'did back then' that was either legal, socially acceptable or just something people turned a blind eye to.  But that doesn't stop the action itself being cruel and unnecessary, it doesn't lessen the impact on the people it affected and clearly enough people didn't do it to bring about change - otherwise we'd all still be doing it, I would have thought.

I think there are people who kind of lack depth.  To me, someone mentioning the situation you did might want to talk - either about the past or the current situation.  As a friend, I would listen.  "It's what people did back then" is, to me, a shut down comment - the conversation is over.  I'd try to protect yourself, BettyAnne, and try to keep in contact with people who are being supportive (or at least not causing more angst) and try to limit or avoid contact with people who aren't really opening doors for you at the minute.  Do post on here as often as you want/need, we all love to hear from you and many of us have been through similarish things so can at least understand even if we're not able to help in a practical way.  Lots of love to you both xx xx xx

[sKePTiKal]

OMG... yes, I've heard of this. My Dad's mom did something similar to one of her 7 husbands. I knew enough of how she was, to feel sorry for my Dad living with that too... and she was one of only a handful of people I've ever met that were so messed up I could actually consider them evil. I was cheeky enough and PO'd enough when I was younger to tell her so - and curse her to boot.

That person who says this could be OK - isn't someone I'd want to be friends with.

[Hopalong]

Noooooooooo, BettyAnne.
That's horrible.

I hope when you can do things for yourself,
you'll take this story to a therapist. It would
be good to heal about this, so it stops haunting
you.

I'm so sorry your husband's cancer has spread.
This is a hard time, but I hope you'll remind him
and yourself every day of memories that bring
you happiness.

Comfort,
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Hi Lighter.....
Thank you for your reply ....it made me feel better....I had so much dysfunction through my childhood right into my adult years with a wacko mother.  My Therapist said she was never a mother other then giving birth to me.  That makes sense too. 
I have had this friend or say now former friend who is a nurse too by the way.  If I say anything I get corrected which sure reminds me of my NM.  If I repeat something I get told were not going there....I feel awful like I am being treated by NM again.....just different subject.  If someone repeats something to me I never say anything because maybe that story needs repeating for sympathy or compassion like you said.  I realize I am dealing with another Borderline/Narcisstic person again in a different body, omg. I am done and will end this now.
I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 17 we have been together 59 years.....Its so hard to see him going through all of this.....his family was similar to mine that we both came from dysfunctional families.  Which was good in a way because we understood and supported each other...but we never had normal family support....which I am sure all of us can relate too!!
Thank you so so much....Love, Bettyanne

[Bettyanne]

Hi Twoapenny,
Oh now nice and all you said....I sure appreciate your words and thoughts. 
I remember my mother dumping my dads pain meds and putting sugar in them.....and he would say to her something is wrong they are not working.....he was only 51 years old and dying of melanoma cancer it was everywhere in his body.  His legs were swollen and he couldn't walk or do much of anything but lay in bed.  When he got so bad he was sent to the hospital to die.  I was 20 at the time and Bill drove us to hospital as my dad went in ambulance.  She never went into his room and Bill and I were with him as he said his last words.....She was no where to be found.....how sad for my dad and for me to see what she did.  When she died at 100 a few years ago, the doctor called me to go to hospital to see her as she had just died and I couldn't go.  I didn't want to see her........
I just want to say my therapist diagnosed my NM as Borderline/with Narcisstic traits.....it sure fits.. 
I just want to say to you thank you for your reply and your kindness to me in other posts on here. 
Life isn't easy but having these type of parents leads you find an answer of what was wrong?? Thankfully I have had therapy and a month stay in a mental hospital another mother story, but I am seeing .....seperating from these people is the answer....I learned it too late.....but I did learn.
Thank you again and again....Love, Bettyanne

[Meh]

Tampering with medication sounds illegal and culpable.

"It's what they did at the time"... this statement I have no idea. I wasn't alive at that time. Definitely things do culturally change over the years. My uncle pulled his own teeth out and my father doesn't discuss health problems even if they might be genetic so it's useful info to discuss.

Probably this is a rhetorical question though about how callus the friend's statement actually is. It's an unfeeling thing to say.

Some people have rough personalities, I'm not sure if this is the case with your friend. Some people really do approach life with a rambo method.

Either way probably not the best friend to talk to right now. Grief support is probably a more knowledgeable source.

Friend doesn't sound very nice at all really. 

[Bettyanne]

Hi Garbanzo,
Yes I guess when you don't know the answer of the time....maybe its easy to say OH that's what they did back then......NO it isn't ....How can anyone think a cruel mean thing to do to someone in pain is replace with SUGAR....
It doesn't matter the year or time......It's a control freak who doesn't know how to deal with anything can make sense of being cruel to a man who is dying......but she did this with many situation its what I grew up with....
A good, honest person would do anything to help a dying person.....especially one you Love....but maybe that's questionable with a Borderline with N traits??
Its like being friends on this forum......we care for each other....I am so impressed with the response I have had to my question? from you and other friends on here......we care about each other...Thank you, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

Hi Bettyanne,
That event in your past, seeing your mother do that...was a TRAUMA for you. A terrible, haunting one. I can't imagine the shock of it, settling in.

My question is (and I don't know the answer, wish I did!) -- how do you get from ruminating over and reliving that to being in the precious present moment, with yourself and with your husband?

Can your therapist help you release this memory? Or at least get it to not take up so much real estate in your mind? What has worked best in the past for you to stop getting triggered and re-triggered by it?

I'm sure what your husband is going through is bringing all that back. Makes perfect sense and is very poignant. I'm just sorry to hear you re- and re- and re-experiencing that awful memory. You and your husband both deserve the sweetness of being in present moments together, not in the past. You deserve to enjoy little moments and comforts and expressions of love and simply being alive together in the now, in this hour, in this day, and then another, for as long as possible. You will be so glad to have positive memories of this time, not just the tragic ones.

I hope that for you. You are such a sweet person and have accomplished so much in loving in your life. I don't want you to cheat yourself in this sweet, late chapter! You deserve the now.

Hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Hi Hopalong,
Well your close in what you are saying.....my therapist said when my husband came into my life I was 16 years old....I have always had his love and caring for me......something I didn't have as a kid or an adult from my so called mother.  She said she thinks I am thinking what will I do without him??
I am sure to some extent this is very true....we have had a good lifetime together.  We've been through many times of how to we handle this and that.....because he had a similar situation growing up as well.  My therapist said how lucky I was to have a good man in my life....so so true and my mother hated him and his mother felt the same about me.....it was almost like we don't belong in the families we were born too!
Up until 7  years ago I was abused by my mother not the same as childhood....but expecting me to do things for her that she never ever did for me .....I realize of course I was never told to separate myself from her from any therapist up to that time.  I sure have learned about N's and Borderline but that doesn't take the pain away.....of such crazy immature adults who I was raised by....this includes my dad and my grandmother my mother's mother.....my brother being a complete invalid who couldn't walk or talk or feed himself.....He should of been hospitalized but my mother left him to her elderly mother who was not capable of doing that job....my mother worked up to age 100...another thing my T said she never heard of....so much dysfunction..maybe I am just letting off some steam...omg Thank you friend....Love,Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

I'm so glad you have a good and insightful therapist, Bettyanne. Solid gold.

What she's said to you makes so much sense. An upcoming loss, all the unresolved grief from your mother, and the tragedy of your brother's entrapment as well....

I too am so glad you've had a loving husband whom you love in return. I can imagine how devastating it is to contemplate a future without him. I hope you'll find that in unexpected ways, you will always carry his love within you. Even when he goes, he won't really leave you, as long as you cherish his memory.

I think you're probably strong in ways you don't credit yourself for, and that you will discover over time.

You still have the richest chapter in life ahead, and learning never, ever stops. I hope this isn't inappropriate to say given the painful situation, but it can be exciting, too.

A future where you do release those horrible memories (after you've steamed about them enough) will have light and hope in it that maybe you've never even imagined before.

You deserve that kind of contentment and peace as much as anyone else. I believe you can find it.

Hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

I just came home from Oncologist doctors who gives my husband 2 to 3 months....I am beside myself.....
No sugar coating.....I have to deal with this and do my best to comfort him.....not a easy day today..omg......

Thanks friends.....for any replies.....I know I will do my best if I don't fall apart.....

Bettyanne xoxo

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry. What a heartache.

How is he taking it?

I hope you'll talk to Hospice ASAP...they will give you both beautiful support.

You don't have to fall apart. Just be sure to go out on the porch for a good hard cry when you need one. You're allowed to feel however you feel.

Much comfort,
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Thanks Hops.....and friends
Doctor wants my husband to try radiology on the sarcoma in  his leg and also some small ones in his lungs.......I don't know if were just buying time.....but anything is worth trying to help him.
I met a lady in the waiting room while they took Bill to figure out placement for the next few weeks of radiation.  When I said something about Narcissistic M......she said everyone has baggage....to a certain extent that's true.....Im not in denial but Narcisstic behavior which I know myself and lot of you have experience is truly very dysfunctional and not a easy one to explain.  These N's have gotten away with so much when they can change their personalities on a dime. 
I just agreed and moved on from her.....in waiting room.....her daughter is a therapist of some type so she has all the answers....seemed like a another N to me.....haha sometimes I just gotta laugh because no one understands unless you have lived with it....
Bill starts radiation on Monday and will go for several weeks.....all that matters here is dealing with this and it is so hard because he has been the person who has loved me all these years....For that I am so grateful.......I sure didn't get it from my dysfunctional family but I did get a lot of love from this wonderful man.....
Love, Bettyanne