He says he feels the same way, Lighter. And that usually leads to him overdoing some heavy physical work that he should pace himself on. IME.
Thing is, what I feel isn't conditional on what he does/doesn't do - within ANY timeframe. I know that sounds cryptic. But that's something I've come to, and try to maintain for myself because I know what a physical drain it is to sort & purge, decide, decide, decide what to keep and decide again... rinse & repeat... years of one's life. And I did it without the massive time suck of multiple medical appts at the behest of someone not me. Without kids technically "still at home" to keep an eye on. Hell, I'm still sorting & purging here from the last move.
When I express those feelings - it's not from a place of helplessness or victimization. I've told him I feel real needy & clingy just telling him about those feelings. Through that contradiction... I come to, OF COURSE I want him here NOW. I could pamper him, help him continue healing, and he could help me too with so many things. So it's an acknowledgement, essentially. The waiting IS hard. Without him right here... it feels like this is a still to be realized "relationship"... until we live it day in, day out; no matter how much we talk and reveal about ourselves. And I'm the one who insisted we'd go through this part of coming together - no strings attached. Leaving both of us free to say "enough" and do something else. It's not even a part of his head space; nor mine. No desire to do anything different. We want what we want; we work toward it; and we wait.
I haven't pushed hard on the commitment button. It's either there or it isn't. Same for me. I want what I want - just the way it is. And yeah, it's hard for me. But I'm not even entertaining doing anything else with someone else. It's just not something I would do. Even surreptitiously; hedging my bets. The commitment part was settled the first time he was here on a level that shocked both of us.
His divorce was done years ago. All that's left is splitting any proceeds from the sale of once shared home. And he's said he's not all that attached to his half. Then there's the lawsuit regarding the infection - responsible for this continuing meningitis. He will be asked to testify, because he has 4000 pages of medical history, with dates and names, in his head. It's been the totality of his reality until I butted in & made him pay attention to me. ;}
Yeah, getting his D solidly fledged from the nest concerns him. But he's made some progress in letting go his role of omnipotent protector. This first year has been big steps forward and a little one back... and he didn't let his parental ego trump his excellent brain. And yes, I butted in there too, because I walked that road with mixed results. Some days it feels like I'm still walking it with Hol around.
And she did help me hitch up that cussed but essential time-saving, back saving disc. It weighs about 300 lbs and she did a lot of the heavy lifting with my help. Lifting doesn't bother my arm, it's the little complex movements involved in rinsing a dish or glass under the spigot, pulling the seatbelt around me in the car... all hand related. I know what needs to happen to make that easier; her suggestion would work too. But it's always gonna be a pain unless we hook it up to something and LEAVE it hitched.
It's an exceedingly gloomy day here today; overly warm & humid. But I think I prefer this to tomorrow's forecast of 50-60 mph winds.
