2021 Farm Log

[sKePTiKal]

Well, that creative streak got a tad far out over the weekend. LOLOLOLOL. Friend Deb came to stay the weekend. We had more food around that we could eat. She's been losing weight what with all the stress of the past few months. And it's helping with managing her blood sugar...

No late nights, even though we met up with Hol in the studio (aka "bitch barn") where we let it all hang out. First night, was real early since dinner was required. We both slept in and enjoyed the cool evenings. Saturday we went for a drive, exploring... into the county where I lived in the 90s and built the first homestead. A couple stops: farm market, the local indoor "mall" - which is a combination of Big Lots and a curiosity shop, and then what used to be a feed store converted into an upscale artist's co-op, wine bar & bakery. Ran a lot of my old commuter routes. Sunday was another lazy day - I started mending B's old bike jeans and the hilarity commenced as Hol pointed out I'm the stubbornest person she knows, and despite her advice on patching the knee (she IS the pants "problem-solver") I insisted on patching it the hardest way possible. Had to pull the needle through all the layers with a hemostat.

We watched her Hallmark series; a couple of period Brit comedies that were really cute. Again with the romance angle in them. Which I find odd - since she absolutely positively won't discuss maybe having a relationship with a guy (not interested in women either). It's been a solid "no" ever since I've known her. She's never said why; I don't pry. People have their reasons.

B is back on the phones this morning... trying to shepherd his medical/gov stuff along again. I've been collecting the parts & pieces he needs to make Helga functional again (bigger, better, bionic!) for his next big project. AND dealing with the first major retirement of an employee at the business. Lots of paperwork since that position is financial. There's been some progress on the generational transition side of things too. Bro has been pretty easy to deal with - but still not quite with his head totally wrapped around things.

Roof is done on the metal shop. Talked to one of the bosses for a good bit last week too; following on up on other processes that need to happen so B can bring the rest of his tools/equipment and have no more reasons other than his own energy/time in preparing to make that final move. He really doesn't want to wait till the snow flies out here.

It's safer territory right now, for B & I to focus on the mundane practical matters... but there have still been frequent flights of romantic daydreaming dropped into that. There is so much "to do" to get this part of the relationship (at a distance) PAST, neither of us wants to create an emotional obstacle or paralysis. The man does make me giggle tho - we've been having all kinds of silly fun conversations lately. Some of it is just nonsense; some of it is "future mind-tripping" - going off into total fantasyland.

He's been feeling pretty good; got his feet cleared up completely now too. Knock on wood, it's been at least 2 months since he's suffered a recurrance of the meningitis symptoms. It's the longest stretch without one, in a year. I'm thinking he's been taking the tincture for a year - minus a month or so when he ran out & didn't tell me. Taking a break like that is a good practice anyway.

(Just heard; no joy on the phone calls yet.)

I'm being lazy this morning and playing online to let my brain settle into some "straight-line, one task" doing. I've been jumping around from thing to thing lately (multi-tasking) and it absolutely destroys my sense of being able to feel "myself". I've adapted to a slower pace and it makes so much more sense for me, I don't know why I didn't start this in my 40s. And moving slower, I'm realizing the tasks that I resist the most strongly (just don't want to do them) really take so little time... it's kinda rediculous to not just jump in and get past it. Why the emotional hurdle, ya know? And that hurdle... and the pressure to rush-rush around, juggling... actually gets in the way of me actually feeling ANYTHING at all, until I take a break. Stop doing. Then I can feel again.

Just more me-weirdness I guess.

[lighter]

I'm really feeling that last paragraph of yours, Amber.

The cadence of avoiding, waiting for the energy of crisis to land, working like mad then wondering why there's no balance.

Hmmmm.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

It has it's pros & cons Lighter.

I've noticed for awhile, that when I finally stop thinking & doing, and start feeling - the very first thing I jump into is grief. Personal grief long past & relived (to what purpose??); grief for my friends who are struggling; grief for the world (jeez, ego much??).

Yeah - balance is important. And I've spent more than enough time in grief, thank the Godz very much, but NO THANKS.

Whether it's true or not, my perception is that if I'm only going to permit myself to focus feeling on grief - it renders me a lot less effective in my life. It gives way to hopelessness & learned helplessness. Fortunately, I've been expanding my repertoire of feelings the past few years. I'm LIKING that bigger purse of feelings. Doing my best to share those more positive feelings too... but I do run the risk of being called a pollyanna (so what?) and avoiding reality, even. But I don't avoid reality - I just define it as big enough to hold all those positive feelings too:

contentedness, satisfaction of accomplishment, sheer happiness - either on my own or shared with others, silly creativity and making fun/light of the human condition and the trials & tribulations of life. (If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane - Jimmy Buffett)

Those sad moments don't last long anymore. I don't wallow much or for long. I think I just need to acknowledge that there IS a component of my feelings - about the state of the world - that deserves to be mourned. Then I can get back to the complete jukebox of feelings and putting one foot in front of the other again. It sure beats what I used to subject myself to.

[Hopalong]

I resonate to the collective human grief too, Amber.
I think you're feeling waves of it that are reverberating through our entire species.
If we were elephants we'd be stamping nonstop on the desert floor, and trumpeting a lament that carries to the stars.

All came together and we have one last half-chance to get serious about saving our planet and our sense of community and nation.

I get it. How could a feeling, thinking human NOT feel this?

My media diet (meaning news) has gotten more intentional. It's helping.

Comfort and joy -- tidings of them anyway,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, the sense of grief is passing. However, the stress and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" anxiety hasn't. I'm managing mine OK; Hol is struggling - but trying to, as well. She just left to go to work for 3 weeks - where, despite vaccine requirements, mandatory masking & face shields, and weekly testing - every week people are still testing positive. She will likely turn down anymore film/tv work the rest of the year.

I'm channeling my anxiety into doing the practical, get the place ready for winter preparations. Pre-stocking holiday baking supplies (as the shelves have occasionally been a little bare even this summer) and thinking on getting my gifts here, too. Thinking on making more space for Buck around here too. Pushing harder on the metal shop contractor. I have little projects for interior changes, too. Things to improve space usage & functionality; that kind of thing.

B MIGHT - that's a big stress on MIGHT - be here sooner rather than later. We're both keeping our ear to the ground and hearing some disquieting things. He is making extra preparation for the October trip, in case it becomes advisable to leave with what is packed and just be here instead. I'm not holding my breath and I'm also not catastrophizing anything I'm hearing - or he's hearing. He's been busy - so also quiet - again. And when I do talk to him, it's clear he's purging a lot of his thought processes too - and making big adjustments. (edited in; see following)

The heat is making an encore appearance this week - which irritates me, as I have a lot to do outside. But it is what it is. So I started work on patching & "restoring" a pair of B's favorite jeans. And I can probably pre-shop for next year's garden stuff too.

I'm rethinking reality a lot these days. Looking for flexibility in places where the standard definition was pretty settled - but isn't any longer. Readjusting expectations. Exploring my map of previous experiences.... and pulling out bits & pieces that have been mislabeled, wrongly categorized, or mischaracterized. Lots of emotional exploration too - and trying to put words to those feelings, most for the first time. Perspective is shifting, I think. Vantage point of looking at things.

Whatever else is going on in the world - there is a lot of good energy around for personal growth and transformation. And that's an opportunity I'm not going to be "too busy" to miss. Just requires tweaking the old viewpoint frequency receiver, to get the best "signal". It's probably always there - but more than likely a cat bumped the tuning knob - so what comes in, isn't what I was looking for. (To understate it by a mile or leagues.)

[sKePTiKal]

PS - is it bad to be relieved that (except for weekends) Hol will be gone for 3 weeks?

[Hopalong]

Nope.
It's human, about health, and even wise.

It's good to recognize that you need more separateness, imo.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

World suffering and grief is what it is, regardless of how you spend your minutes, Amber.

Turning toward good energy, growth and transformation is more productive than rumination, but you know that.   

I'm just sending two thumbs up for your post.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hey HOPS - the butterfly on butt would work except that the back pockets are already embroidered (brand logo, etc stuff).

I'm kinda just looking at the places on the seams - oh there are LOTS of seams - the jeans are practically "articulated" - where the denim's worn down to the warp and just starting to cover with a basic satin stitch.... until I start seeing it become something. So who knows WHAT will appear? LOLOLOL.

His Ducati is in the barn and the key/title are in my safe, as we speak. Every time I start to doubt he's really serious about getting here... I just go drool over the bike. No one would part with their bike (in the serious cycling community) unless there was a high trust level and intent to shortly follow the bike. I've loved this model, ever since I was riding. Which was a lifetime or 3 ago. No idea if I could talk myself into getting a license & bike again or not. Not even going to seriously contemplate it at this time. It's a pretty physically demanding sport - and that's my main consideration right now. As is my competitive nature - and he's been an actual competitive rider/racer - and with my pride involved, I can foresee taking some less than calculated risks I have no business entertaining. The fantasy is still tantalizing, though.

So yeah - I'm having fun with his jeans. He'll wear 'em, too. He doesn't have any insecurities about his masculinity. LOLOLOL.

[lighter]

I've ridden on the back of a few bikes, but my mother frightened me so badly about it I quickly veered off after every ride(which, looking down, seemed like an opportunity to scrape all the meat off my bones.)

I don't have those thrill seeking needs you have/had.

Roller coasters were enough and after children that lost it's shine.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Me, too and me, neither.

Never learned to ride but looooved riding on the back.

Not any more, after working in a medical center for years. Also watching a good friend with a bike addiction hurt himself badly, months of rehab, then he was at it again (after swearing off). That's when I saw the experience as not just dangerous but for some, addictive. Doctors convinced me. They were manly and competent and felt no shame whatsoever about ruling out bikes. ("Course, they skied...") Nobody's consistent anyway. I'm probably taking more risk NOT exercising.

Bikes are FUN, no question. But some thrills don't make sense to me any more.
Nothing to prove; I embrace my truthful wussitude. Just wanna stay alive!

Boring ol'...
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I was still in my 20s back then; the girls were little. I rode for a total of 3 years (didn't trust anyone enough to ride on the back - shivers!!!!) and then decided to quit because there were other things I wanted to do in my life. I was light, fast, and strong enough to be pretty good. But I saw what lurked in liking to go fast, too. Just wasn't going to work in my life game-plan THEN, and probably not now either.

Not that long ago, maybe 12 years ago? - I signed up for the safety course. I was seriously "thinking" about getting my license again. Aced the written test because of my previous experience. Then we practiced on the little 125s in the parking lot. During lunch break, a Harley dropped across the road from the parking lot - and a group of us when to kill the engine, right the bike and help out the guy - thankfully not seriously hurt; just shaken. Think he just hit one of those notoriously unpredictable patches of gravel on asphalt. And then I started playing around with the tiny bike....     Yeah, I could slide stop; even putting the front wheel directly in a 2x2 chalk box after running the gears & redlining those almost-minibikes. I was having a blast and royally irritating the instructors.

Then came the "ride the box" exercise. Very tight space, mustn't put a foot down, had to go slow and controlled.  I'd just gotten bifocals a year or so before.   Couldn't do it. I still passed, with a lot of personal warnings. But because I couldn't ride the box, even with a really light small bike... I let it go. Either ya can do everything or you can't. I couldn't do that one thing. That bike was 300 lbs lighter than my favorite street bike.

I enjoyed riding immensely, but I didn't have a death wish. I've seen way too many permanent disabilities and deaths due to bikes. Lots more of life to explore and enjoy. But it's great to say "I used to..."

[sKePTiKal]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... solitude.
It is still a wonderful thing to me. Even at the price of taking care of H&S's dogs.

I have done a whole lot of NOTHING this week, except to let everything in my head bubble up - look at it - and either make decisions about it or let it go. Maybe those two things are more similar than I think they are.

I'm sleeping. LOTS of sleep. Again - wonderful. It's slowly having an effect on the massive "tiredness" I experience daily. I'm still "doing" of course, but very low level stuff. Haven't even picked up B's jeans to work on them again.

And yet - I noticed I'm all of a sudden super-chatty. Uh, whut's that about? I think it's ancient, in terms of my being conditioned into a support-role in the FOO. My wicker basket I hide under is getting pretty ratty by now. See, me being me - and letting that shine out - and just BEING - is kinda the "last" taboo on the list. One that by now, should've (in my way of seeing things) been eradicated by now.

I think "hiding my light under a bushel basket" is how I resolve my inner conflict - over wanting to HELP and yet, being aware of my own needs, limitations, boundaries, etc. So that taboo is bubbling up now in my awareness - now that there are long stretches of quiet again; no one is coming to me with their drama; and my time isn't full of "OPPs" - other people's problems. Even B is being quiet right now, after I called him out on being anxious & in a hurry to get moved here.      I can feel it, in some weird sense, day & night. That won't last long. He shifts gears so fast & often, it's hard to keep up. But that keeps life interesting.

My day today is all shifted, since I slept in till 10 am. But that's OK; I really wasn't sleepy till after midnight last night. Not that I was actively engaged in anything... just being. It will be OK; I can't get into the post office till 2 pm anyway now - they close the lobby between 1-2 for lunch. Yeah, life in the country. 

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee. Doesn't sound exciting; not like the previous ramblings about riding motorcycles anyway. But this is just as thrilling to me. More deeply satisfying and tending to my "self". Yeah, I have housework to do. The temps are dropping and I've let the outside stuff slide till now - but it's been raining too. And I have a chance to not even worry about the stuff on the list, that "isn't done yet".

OKAY THEN.... onwards.   

[Hopalong]

Sounds genuinely exciting to me, Amber, because it sounds so HEALTHY.

Wow. Something good is happening.

I am so very glad you are both slowing down and opening up.

I'm just really glad to read this.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Concrete for the shop is here.

Really glad I fell asleep earlier last night; it was 6:30 when I heard the first of the big trucks pull in. But this concrete is really important. Perfect conditions to pour, too - then it should cure for 2 weeks. B says unless he gets laid low by pain... he can be here in 30 days. Permanently.

He's upset with the new docs. For all the reasons others complain too. Some of it is anxiety, some of it is just the monumental change of this move for him. One doc has drug her feet about making an appt for him - she can't decide if she'll accept his referral. It's been a month of waiting. He's afraid it won't get approved in DC by his insurance people. And I understand his trepidation there. I mentioned pain; he had a tough week last week that way. And all any ER (none of his old docs will see him now) will prescribe is 800mg of ibuprofen for him. Which is causing stomach problems.

Sigh. I'm at a loss. There really aren't any good painkillers in the herbal world - nothing that's actually a nervine, something to calm the nerves down. So my next exploration is going to be the neuro side of pain... and while it might not help as much as he wants it to... it WILL let him DO something himself to lower the pain levels. I know it bothers him a lot, to be dependent on docs... and I know when he has too much time to think (he's had a lot of rain lately) the pain gets worse. I know he's up & down all night - and usually doesn't get a lot of sleep. None of that is healthy.

I'm open to any suggestions y'all might be able to come up with. I have looked into wild lettuce, a little, but I'm not seeing the kind of supporting data that might make this an option for him. I guess there's always the placebo effect. It does make a huge difference for him, when there's someone around him actively caring about him. So that's an indicator to me, that I might could find some useful ideas/tools on the neuro side of things. The other one, is to get him to finally understand that he's not 30 yrs old anymore... but that requires some more delicate "adjustment" of his ideas and attitudes. But he absolutely will NOT just sit still and be "disabled" for the remainder of his life. Hard-headed man. But that's one of the things I find attractive about him.

My lollygagging days are about at an end, now. I think we've broken the streak of super-hot days finally. It hung on a little last week. Lots of mowing & trimming to do. Hol's got another 2 weeks of work, then a week over Halloween to cover someone's vacation. I'm having to intermittently dogsit, since S has work he's going out to as well. I'll bring the pups up here end of the week to simplify things. It's time to push on to winter chores... and I should finally clean out the woodstove downstairs... LOLOLOLOL.

Didn't get very far on Christmas shopping yet; I do have a freezer coming for Hol this week.