2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe B can learn leatherwork from Hol.

She's a novice; he can teach HER.

Maybe you can teach him to knit.

I never learned to knit.

Maybe he can take more responsibility to be mindful his body....

Yes; No - the man requires adult supervision because he reacts with 20 yr old brain in 65 yr old body. 

Just because I'm pretty busy, doesn't mean I'm tired. B & I do get downtime - sometimes together; sometimes separately. Nothing I'm doing feels like "work". This weekend, anyway. His energy energizes me - by osmosis, maybe. Everything is REALLY GOOD right now for me - as it should be in the real world. So, nothing negative should be implied in the fact that I've never really had much "slow, downtime" in my life. Just that one stretch after I moved.

[Hopalong]

Got it. No distortion, no drama.

It sounds fantastic that his energy energizes you.

Lovely -- lovely and wonderful!

SO happy you're feeling so happy, Miz A.
You were patient for this and it's a joy to think of you two now.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Happy Independence Day!

Yeah, I know the country (and world) has lots of problems. But, that's always been the case, n'est-ce pas? It's kinda nice to spend time contemplating all the things that are right with the world for a change. It mingles nicely with one's gratitude list.

Independence is something I've been contemplating for awhile. And I think I've come to the conclusion this is an often-overlooked "state of mind & being" in the pantheon of characteristics of a healthy person. Not anarchy, mind you - because true independence includes a recognition and acceptance of the responsibility for the requisite consequences of not conforming. If one is "as young as they feel", then why not cultivate being as free as one wants to be? (Within the limits of the social contract, of course. Do no harm, is still an important principle in Independence.)

Anyway - just some random pondering & musing for the day before this week's "Monday".

[Hopalong]

Yodelayyheehooooo!

How are things across the valley, Mz Amber?

Thinking of you and Buck, fingers and toes crossed.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

We're fine as frog's hair Hops!

Having a blast & he's started working his way back into working again.

[Hopalong]

Happy dance!

Yay,
Hops

[lighter]

 Finally....
Yes.

[sKePTiKal]

So, last week the skilled nursing facility took Mom's lab results again and her kidney function has dropped significantly. Mom nixed dialysis, went it was first suggested. But the care team was suggesting she be moved into hospice. That's prompted quite a few conversation with Bro. He's the health POA.

[So, like many geriatric patients - she has multiple issues. Type 2 diabetes, HBP, a 90% blockage in the carotid and has had 2 minor-ish strokes. She's sleeping a LOT and is unresponsive, except to Bro.]

Fortunately, even on a sensitive topic like this our communication has improved a lot in the past couple years. We decided it would be good to ask mom again - if she wanted to take a chance that dialysis could help her (she's been TRYING to do the therapy to recover strength/dexterity from the strokes). She hasn't given up the will to live yet, per the Bro. He's had to fight multiple doc's "expert opinion" that it would be too risky to try it. And I took the position that ANY chance was better to try, than just resigning yourself to the indignities of a kidney failure death. But that ultimately it was his call.

I've been in daily talks with him, providing support and lending my way of thinking through situations. Letting him vent, and just ramble out his thoughts & feelings on the matter. There isn't any point in me trying to talk to my mom - and I don't really WANT to. When I initially let you guys know about this decline in her health, I explained that I had anticipated the whole smorgasbord of complex emotions to bubble up for me. And this has been the case, but fortunately it's mostly been just one feeling at a time. Nothing overwhelming, but it has definitely been stressful, emotionally, for me.

I'm getting "time off" from it, too. B's been lovely to be with now that his pain levels are managed better. And we're happy just being in the same room or off doing things on our own for hours at a time. My role is less about monitoring his pain and trying to find him some relief or comfort no matter how temporary or effective. Which is opening new doors. He's definitely a keeper.

[Hopalong]

People are so different, and there's no perfect choice in end of life situations.

For me, a kidney failure process would be just fine, especially if I'd already become mostly unresponsive. But I don't care about dignity, just comfort and pain relief. I'd rather be on my way out than try heroic things to extend my time, particularly if doctors are advising against it living on may doom me to new strokes or more decline. Your mom may be an instinctive fighter or maybe not pursing dialysis would be a relief. You and your Bro know her best.

Sounds like she hasn't left a clear Advanced Medical Directive to ease him! Dang.

Comes a time when treatment can be torture and personally, I'd pass. But that may not be true for your mother at all or suited to her personality.

Hope you and Bro weather it all well and that when the next step comes, she'll get through it peacefully, whatever it is.

Must be hard hearing these updates and feeling some confrontation with the past, (((((Amber)))))). I hope Bro can decide and trust himself with whichever way he goes. Maybe it will be good for him to embrace the trust he's been given and feel  confident in his own reasoning. It's just not possible to make everyone in a family have the same opinions, and impending death is such a stress.

On the happy note,  it's just a joy to hear about you and B living life at last, together. After all the time and struggle and all B's pain and your deep patience, it seem almost unbelievable that it's finally come to pass. SO glad for you both.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Obviously - I don't know how my mom REALLY feels about this part of life, given the LC I created & maintained and her increasing mental fog. Only what she's said to me over the years and what I've observed, separately. And I have my own preferences.

I understand many medical procedures are suffering-inducing and no guarantee of a resultant "quality of life" worth (IMO) living. Others may have different ideas about those qualities. That was why I suggested he ask her what she was willing to go through to not die (it's inevitable anyway) within a month. Bro has been doing fine with the responsibility of decision. He sees both sides in the matter and hasn't been trying to delegate the decision. Just keeping me in the loop and asking me to help fill in blanks in what he thinks he knows. So, I've been supporting him, as best I can. It's a rare opportunity for us to revisit old parts of us (individually and as sibs) as openly and vulnerable as people are in this situation. That's going pretty well.

My mom - as far as I know - has been a complex mess of self-sabotaging bad habits (minus the "vices"), emotional conflicts/issues than she's tried to assuage with those habits, distrust of traditional western medicine -- and demanding of the same docs that they "fix" her. The idea that perhaps she could fix herself simply didn't exist in her understanding of life & the world. It's been her innate strength that's helped her endure so long, as her habits combined with genetic predisposition to the chronic physical ailments. Whether any acceptance, letting go or fight exists in her... is outside my experience of her.

I have always had some hope, that she would be able to breakthrough her life-long gamesmanship/covert manipulation tactics and just be real (not even my "imaginary" mom). She made some baby-steps toward that before she started forgetting how to use her phone and what my name was. I've said what I needed to say to her over the years. I am comfortable letting her go and have no agenda surrounding her death. I have some sadness that it wasn't important to her to create a real relationship with me. But that is, what it is and I'm used to that nugget of reality. Other people don't quite understand this bit about me - and it doesn't bother me. It wouldn't give her any comfort or permissions or anything for me to try to "help" now.

Bro is processing his emotions within the experience of his decisions and responsibility. Doing pretty well at both too. So, he's not "needy" about my support; he's pretty clear about expressing himself and whatever connection still exists between us seems to be making up for the things one or the other of us aren't all that good at. So except for the frequency of communication between us, this is going about as peacefully as anyone could hope for.

Dialysis started yesterday; doc sez it'll be a week or even a month before any significant changes will occur. But given how the toxins will amplify all her other issues, I think the brain fog will be the first noticeable difference - IF it's not too late for this to help. It very well could be; Bro and I talked about that potential for this to be an exercise in futility and unnecessary intervention. So we're in wait & see mode now.

On the stroke side of things, I have some suggestions that helped Jean out a lot, that could be just the thing for my mom to re-engage with her own "agency". IF she can stay awake for longer periods of time.

[sKePTiKal]

No news is good news, right? We've been a little busy with to-do lists - or well, B has since he's healing up well and the pump is doing what it's supposed to, easing the constant pain. The heat has me retreating indoors worrying how much the a/c is going to jack up my power bill.

Hol isn't working much right now; S will be gone for 5 weeks on a major high-profile job. She is remaking a work apron for a friend and finishing up some sewing projects in her cave of a basement where it's cooler. She's holding down the fort. She's going to help B out with a few things.

I'm just being a domestic goddess, enjoying the break from stressful things; worry; and thinking about solutions for the next phase of B's move-in. Which is the final one... and so space needs to be reorganized, function & purpose considered, etc. I have a few minor leather projects I can work on... and feel a pattern-buying spree starting to bubble up. I have 20-30 yr old fabric in my "stash"... so I need to think about rotating that fabric out for newer stuff.

[Hopalong]

It sounds like busy PEACE.

Loved this, Amber.

Enjoyyyyyyyyyyy....

Cooling breezes,
Hops

[lighter]

I would love to see pics of that 30 year old fabric and what yu do with it, Amber.

Always great to read B continues to heal with greatly reduced pain levels.  YES!

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Still no great "breaking news" around here. Which I suppose is a good thing. No plans yet for that old fabric Lighter. B is still here; he's had weekly follow up appts. to adjust the dosage on the painkiller delivery and a mild reaction (infection) to the surgery. The first pump fill is scheduled for early Sept, so he doesn't want to drive back to his house, only to turn around a week later and drive "home". It's been a month and this pump looks to be staying in place. Incisions are healed well and we think he's on his final adjustment for his normal pain levels. He's sleeping MUCH better, I can tell already. And longer; less restless.

So, there is plenty to do around here for B. He's just finishing repairing & getting Helga ready to get inspected. Hopefully she passes this time, 'coz the Almanac is predicting one of the East Coast's more "normal" winters. Hol's old 70's road warrior doesn't do well in snow.... and it too died on a grocery run last week. Much more minor problem, B thinks - delayed maintenance on Hol's part and she will assist so she learns how. S isn't around much this whole month so she's home holding down the fort.

Rudi needs brake pads and spacers to keep the big wheels from rubbing; my normal jeep still needs a sensor & an oil change. I just realized the jeep is gonna be 10 years old next year (and still has less than 50k miles on it) and Rudi is going on 20.

We found an actual shoe repair shop "over the mountain" and B had two old pairs of his favorite boots resoled. He's a very happy boy! I may try to clean up my rockies to take over there and see if they can be saved. They're 30 years old and have hiked the canyons out west and hand dug several gardens. Nothing new feels the same as well-broken in boots.

I'm trying to convince Hol that she doesn't have to be stopped cold on her landscaping projects & greenhouse, just because S isn't here to help. We can help her. I know she wants S's participation but she is also understanding that, in the name of progress (and the usual household domino phenomenon) that compromises have to be made. We'll see what she comes up with for a decision.

Trying to find a way to give raises to shop employees, the end of this year and raise the dividends a little (to cover the obscene taxes) at the same time. Social Security shorted B a month's payment over some clerical error too... so his budget is tight right now too.

I've heard nothing else from the roofer and last time we talked, he pushed my job to Sept because he's so busy. All because he didn't remember I had picked a color for the steel.    Getting chimneys cleaned next week so Gabe doesn't have to work on a hot metal roof. And wood splitting/stacking is on the list for the next couple months. I've got to go pick tomatos this morning before the big garden gets ripe - I'm trying a new heirloom variety: Siberian. They're a bit smaller than a normal salad tomato but way earlier. Taste test comes later.

B and I are getting lots of time together... and it's very FUN. We're working out the usual old people quirks - the idiosyncrasies of how we do things - now. And that's going well. We're not so stuck in our ways we can't adapt. And MOST of the time, I still have plenty of covers at night! 

No news this week on my mom. Bro has been fighting for dialysis to continue and that she be allowed more time to sleep/recover from the strokes. Docs want to move her to hospice. I've said my say and have tried to give him someone to bounce ideas/feelings off of and support him. I felt like I needed to put at least one thing down for a bit - and it was this, for this week. My guy in charge at the shop, is going in for back surgery next week and will be off for a couple weeks - and soon to transition to part-time. His replacement has been managing just fine on his own for a bit, so chances are there's a road trip in my near term future. Meet the new bookkeeper and start working on relationship with guy who'll move up. Can't say I'm really looking forward to that drive - but if I take B with me, we'll do a little sightseeing along the way. Before the snow flies, maybe.

New kitty has settled in with the other boys to become part of my pack of guard cats. They've been terrorizing the moth population out in the yard... LOLOL. Stinks still has the most impressive jump but his belly is very round now since B spoils all three with treats.

[lighter]

You sound on top of things and up to your tasks, Amber.  It seems your business came through and is chugging along.  That's really good news.

I'm glad B is healing well..... getting the pump up and running, finally.  He deserves that relief, if anyone does.


Your dream of farming...... of sun warmed tomatoes in the field...... it;s been fun to watch you build the reality wtih Hol, S and B.  Loo

 I'm looking forward to more updates and hope your mother is comfortable, whatever she chooses to do.

Lighter