Author Topic: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report  (Read 9741 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #90 on: June 08, 2022, 10:16:52 AM »
Sorry for the last really quick update. He hit me with that first thing in the morning and I was kinda in shock. Seems too fast, as hard as it's been to jump through all the hoops in front of him, to get healthcare at all. And I started running through the list of everything I needed to do before he got here... and it's truly not that much. Tomatos & peppers will go in tomorrow when it's cooler. Shopping run today and maybe later in the week too.

This is the long visit. Doc wants him to rest up 30 days, to let the pump heal in adequately before going back to his normal level of physical activity; which puts some younger men to shame. So my job is to ride herd on him & the squirrels in his brain. LOL. Then, he figures there are 2 more trips before he's done going back & forth. If this one is successful, and actually starts dripping the pain relief to his destroyed nerves... it won't be long.

I've been trying to get my metabolism rev'd up a little, with the necessary work around here. That kills two birds at one time. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with him - and my neuro pathways for energy are all associated with stress. So, trying to tweak that back toward balance. Trying to figure out better food for lunches too. But that's been a struggle for awhile. At least it's salad season and I make good potato and pasta salad.

Hol seems to be a bit of a mess; emotionally/mentally. But that's partly something she knows is difficult for her -- unstructured time fuels overthinking & picking flies outta shit. Magnifying little "problems" and imagining slights.... she does much better with clear goals & deadlines and is learning to create those for herself. It's not like she doesn't have big important things to "do". It's not like she's deeply unhappy being here. But she can easily talk herself into believing some of the fantasies (or old wound-fueled narratives) in her head. I'm managing to refute the untrue things while basically letting her figure this out herself.

I know it must feel like a lot to manage for her, what with both of them working more at staggered (sometimes overlapping) times - and the resulting extra chores for me, taking care of dogs and feeding birds. She has imposed a giant obligation on herself to "take care of mom" -- which is bigger than it has to be. I have been telling her, I can and WANT to do things myself. But that's not sinking in yet. Coz I don't work the way she does, and make everything an urgent "get it done now" priority. I know better than to spread myself too thin - and am only beginning to surface from the business stuff (administration) I've been submerged in.

She is also dealing with changes in the outside world too. What she sees of the city scares the crap out of her now. But she's being pretty pragmatic about dealing with the fear, most of the time. She lived there long enough to know how to sense trouble before she has to deal with it. But sadness & worry for those she cares about who are still there, sometimes can make her unreasonable. She forgets, in that state, I've lived through "hard times" and know cities too.  Because I don't now, reads to her, like I can't possibly imagine.

This kid is a whole package of "stuff", for sure - and adulthood so far, hasn't really done more than wear off a little of the rough edges. LOLOL. Think: FORMIDABLE. And yet, she can revert to silly, giggly, playful sweetie in the next split second. I think she got the weirdo gene.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #91 on: June 08, 2022, 11:29:16 AM »
Hi,Amber:

I'm SO happy B has surgery scheduled and has someone, YOU, on his team to oversee and help.  I can't imagine all the hospital stuff he's tried to get through without a good advocate at the hospital. 

Hol will figure her stuff out and learn from your mindful boundary setting.  Sure, she'll push back, but that's OK. 

The push back my youngest was serving has calmed itself and she's talked about what was behind it...... explained it.  It helps us both understand and keep moving forward.  It's not always pretty, but it's in the right direction and that has to be enough.

I'm happy to read about your garden,but notice I have zero interest in planting and caring for much right now.   I have one large hole to dig and every day I touch my shovel...... move my arm..... consider it, then put it off a bit longer. 

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #92 on: June 13, 2022, 09:00:43 AM »
I get the not wanting to plant & care for "something else". I am still trying, especially the veg garden - which needs more tilled up & seeded - the squash, beans, etc - pretty quick. I also need to pot up some herb seeds. So far, I've gotten valerian established.

I feel I've been pulled in too many very different directions again. What with the medicare crap, taxes, Hol's need to be "heard" about whatever rolls thru her head... and am kinda sitting down, crossing my arms, and saying to myself... when is someone gonna take care of ME? So far, that ain't on the radar. Though Hol did help me with a particularly difficult toilet tank disassembly. I made one fix myself; and the tank still leaks... so just about everything inside needs replaced or I buy a new toilet.

A week ago, my brother texted me late. He'd taken my mom to the hospital because she was short of breath, seriously. They've diagnosed congestive heart failure and very high BP. But it just hit me wrong that late at night; along with the realization she'll be 90 next spring and sort of a long-held secret wish that my life could just be free of the conflicting feelings I still have about her. Since I was about 12, I've wanted my mommy back - the one before she lost it when her mom died. Somewhere in there, my old mommy still exists and still feel very intensely about how she hasn't been able to retrieve that self - for her own sake. She and I don't have anything that resembles a relationship, so it's not like I can plead with her about that.

I've known for some time, that this time was coming. I've expected to feel all kinds of things about it too. So it's not a surprise. Why should feelings about her death be any less conflicted than the last 50+ years, ya know? Fortunately, I'm no longer responsible for handling her affairs - I think. I'll need to talk to brother about that. Have some business things to follow up on with him anyway.

My subconscious is working through a whole bunch of stuff lately in recurring dream landscapes. The beach house, other living situations/people... I'm just kinda watching them and not letting the fact I'm having strange dreams become a new puzzle to solve.

I still have a few plants to put in the dirt - a real nice foxglove I bought locally, some marigolds and nasturiums. The kitchen bed needs weeding and my car needs a bath, badly. Years of pollen stuck to door frames, etc. Poor thing will be 10 years old next year! But I'm glad I haven't been tempted to trade it in or sell it, since it gets great gas mileage still. And I probably put more fuel in the farm vehicles than I do the jeeps.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #93 on: June 13, 2022, 11:25:45 AM »
I'm so sorry, ((((((Amber))))). We all have incipient inner orphan grief, and we can be in our 60s or 70s when the final door to a different outcome with parents closes in our face...

So to that little girl inside you, tenderness. And to your lost mother, peace and as much comfort as possible. It's a major chapter -- the last one. Closing the book takes a long time after, but it will work its way through the psyche and free you.

I think it's got to be YOU who steps up with the boundaries that give you space to care for yourself. Dang it. Just if you can, do it (= say it) before you feel resentment or anger rising. You don't have to justify or detail it or blow up about it, just assert your needs. We're all selfish and deaf so it helps to have someone just say what's happening.

I'm feel all pontificant today and just got properly smacked on the wrist for wrongly correcting a word thing in the Post. Hmmm. Did me good, so do dump salt on what I opine....

hugs
Hops

PS I am blowing $$ on having my 2008 car detailed (interior only). I have to drive a couple people to a gathering and Pooch had a smelly accident...ugh. But it'll be a joy to drive once the doghair-upholstery is spruced up. All the bending involved in doing it myself is not an option at the moment. My back just seized up this morning when all I did was bend down to collect a jar out of a low cupboard. Made 5 power shakes anyway to freeze. Pea protein, frozen spinach, blueberries/banana/tart cherries/mangos, turmeric, stevia, soymilk. Not elegant but gets those nutrients in.
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #94 on: June 13, 2022, 01:09:46 PM »

((Amber))  Maybe writing unsent letters to the mum you had before age 10... will help? Not sure, but I hope you find serenity around your mother.  My heart wants to walk your inner child through memory reconsolidation to rewrite that story in your Nervous System.  Do you see a T and does she do that kind work? 

Hops:
Your shakes sound yummy.

Do you switch the soy milk up or do you have one you can't live without?

I've started using Kiki milk which isn't perfect....almost a little grainy, but I can't argue with the ingredient list.

What do you do to unsieze  your back? 

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Hopalong

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #95 on: June 13, 2022, 07:32:01 PM »
I just leave my back alone and ask nothing more of it that day, Lighter. It's pretty pale compared to former fitness, but I'm coming along. Heart test #2 out of 3 is done and normal. So I'm feeling pretty optimistic and starting to believe that as intense as the chest pain and irregularities have felt, it may have been pure anxiety. Very possible. I won't know for sure until Sept (or maybe Nov.).

I only use Westsoy because it's the only one with 2 ingredients: soybeans and water. All the others have thickeners and weird stuff I'm not interested in. And I like the shelf-stable packages too. Normally for my smoothies I use kefir but I was out.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #96 on: June 14, 2022, 08:43:51 AM »
I haven't felt the need for a T, in over 10 years Lighter. I did enough memory work during my time back then, I can do for myself what is necessary - IF it's necessary. And if I need a sounding board, Hol is ready & willing to call BS on anything I might concoct which isn't real. LOLOLOL.

Just the acknowledgement that little me, has long hoped that mom would put her self back together is enough. I think. There hasn't been any real relationship between us most of my life now. Adult me, is able to take care of little me. (And apparently LOTS of other things & people sometimes, too.) We've had limited contact - I've developed the ability to know when I'm not able to take her constant monologue of woe and never take suggestions, protecting myself. That's helped a lot. I've given to her what I CAN give; and it isn't relevant if that's "good enough". I can even accept that. She isn't a perfect human being, any more than I am. And people have different talents & capacities.

It's just a thing happening now - along with all the things - in my life at the farm. Like Buck returning on Friday. Hol maybe going to work for a week on a new production. Maybe having to feed the birds and care for dog(s). This "thing" with my mom isn't ever going to be resolved. And it'll be OK. Since it seems to have sufficed this long. I'm not unduly concerned or worried or emotionally upset by this. I don't HAVE to DO anything at all about it - and understand the real limitations of trying. Nothing much at all is going to change in my life, when she does die. She's only been warning me for decades & decades that she's going to... as if I don't have a clue about that particular law of nature.

There is plenty in my life to enjoy, to play with, to challenge myself and to learn. So, while the Matrix world of virtual reality consistently reinforces the utter horror of how bad things can be - they ain't that here. Not by a long shot. So we've been unplugging from it more and more. Finding strategies for staying informed and on top of things - without permitting our states of consciousness to be overrun with messages of despair, futility, and ultimate inescapable doom. That's been absolutely wonderful for keeping us focused and motivated. Productive. Work IS good for the soul. The old adage about Idle Hands comes to mind.

Hard times come... and hard times go. And people survive everything - including dark ages. People might be nicer or happier (genuinely) if we all learned to stop self-sabotaging our selves, every other turn. Tend our own gardens and not make so many things "our business". Think how much time we spend or waste - having/expressing opinions on things that are not our actual business. Doesn't mean we don't care about people - but everyone has to row their own boat for civilization to "work" out. No one else can actually do it for us.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #97 on: June 15, 2022, 09:26:08 AM »
Acknowledgement is everything. That inner dialogue with little Amber was powerful. I've had a similar experience with my inner child (the day I literally saw and interacted directly with her in a self-hypnosis daydream) --acknowledged and apologized from my core to her: "I'm so sorry you've been so sad, and I will never leave you alone again". And the next moment (I've described it here before) changed my life at a spiritual level: I actually felt her arms come up around my neck and rest on my shoulders. In that moment on my sofa, I felt gentle pressure on my shoulders.

Blew my mind and confirmed the reality of our inner child for good for me. I'm really glad you're connecting with her at this time. You're also doing an outstanding job as an adult taking care of her -- the core self care.

I hear you about "virtual reality" but tend to feel being plugged in is necessary for me. I do believe the state of the country is my business because I love it. I refuse to let go and watch it fall. Even opinions -- mine aren't prescient but they're heartfelt and mostly fact based. I recognize a tilt or slant in several of the mainstream sources I generally trust, but also know that doesn't eliminate their capacity to also reveal and reinforce facts and truth. The fourth estate is essential to the survival of democracy, and I can walk and chew gum at the same time. I believe that unexamined cultural myths and irrational conspiracies and most of all, deep cynicism about journalism, are destructive. So I opine away...sometimes publicly, other times with people who disagree and challenge me, or with others who agree but could use encouragement to say what they think.

But I avoid pointless argument, not cut from that cloth.

I think you sound really grounded, Amber, and your perspective on dark times is a valuable one. Thanks for sharing your positive belief in humanity, it's a wonderful reminder. Rev. Warnock was very eloquent in a recent interview about how he/they kept doing the work, and how John Lewis got himself to keep stepping forward regardless of what faced him on the other side of the Edmund Pettis bridge.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #98 on: June 17, 2022, 10:54:14 AM »
Amber:

B arrives Friday.  YAY. 

Right?

I forget if you gave details or dates for surgery.... is he coming in for surgery?  Is that next week?

Hops:  I've felt powerful shifts too...... inner work can chage EVERYTHING and make it something new and uplifting..... process it OUT of our limbic systems.....make it right and put it away... put it down for good...... just amazing.  I don't remember you sharing that story about your mother and feeling the pressure on your shoulders, but I'm so glad to read it now.  Thank you for sharing that.

Lighter




Hopalong

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #99 on: June 17, 2022, 12:14:00 PM »
You're welcome, Light.
It wasn't my mother, but my own inner child I "met" that day.

I literally bent down and looked into my own 5 y/o face, saw the soft brown curls of her hair, saw my own hazel child-eyes looking into mine, knew the shape of my own face, saw and felt my child-self's deep sadness and loneliness. I was adult me in the moment, bending down in her cheery yellow room, looking into "her" face. Then I said that heartfelt apology and promise, and that's when she reached up and put her arms around my neck.

For one second I physically felt her soft arms rest on my shoulders. That touch brought me "back to" where I was sitting on my LR couch. To the present. Changed forever by how real she was/is.

I need to remember that moment, feel my gratitude for that event, and acknowledge and be tender toward her, much more intentionally and often. If I ever think I have no guiding light, I do -- she's it. She was completely pure, innocent, and open and she deserves/d all the care and protection she needs, forever.

hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #100 on: June 18, 2022, 10:00:00 AM »
Yes Lighter, next Friday morning he's scheduled for surgery. FINALLY!  :D
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #101 on: June 18, 2022, 12:16:09 PM »
On calendar. Woo-woo good vibes to you and B on Friday.

The surgery, if I followed, is implanting a new/different internal pain pump thingie?

(Oh please describe it in ways a Hops-brain can visualize...)

Echo YAYYYYYYYYYY!

hugs
HOps
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #102 on: June 19, 2022, 10:54:27 AM »
Ahhh, makes sense, Hops and thanks for clearing that up.  So powerful. 


Amber, I'll be sending pink light and prayers for the best possible outcome next week and beyond.  I hope this new doc is comperent, on their best game and cares about every patient..... Friday morning, it is.

Lighter


sKePTiKal

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #103 on: June 19, 2022, 12:53:08 PM »
Yes Hops, he'll be getting a new pain pump Friday. We like the docs; but the office staff and gov insurance maze are less than competent/responsive.

It's a relatively small device and drips morphine into the spinal column thru a tiny catheter to the CNS. Nowadays, rate of delivery and all that is digitally controlled, including fill schedules/alerts/etc. Going to play it by ear, but to keep him from going stir crazy, I think we're going to try some day trips. Lots of things close he hasn't seen yet. Moving around, walking, will be better for him. And if I can't keep his mind occupied, he'll go do stuff he shouldn't be doing and make another problem.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
« Reply #104 on: June 19, 2022, 08:04:02 PM »
Bionic B!

Woo hoo.

And ain't he responsible for occupying his own dear mind?

I'm excited he's having this procedure and all fingers and toes are crossed that it brings him serious relief. Absolutely unbelievable that he had to go through torture for SO long before the way was cleared for what he needed.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."