For some time now, most of my "journal" posts have been about things & people in the external world. The projects, drama, observations... but that doesn't mean there hasn't been activity internally. That activity has simply been slow, quiet and very very gradual, with only glimpses of difference or change disconnected from the possibility of a narrative description.
So, lately, there's been a shift from "other focus" - back into some personal things that perhaps have lingered in a less affective dormant form while I made external changes. Dramatically illustrated by my dream-life, in fact. Intense, strange, symbolic stuff that - to conscious mind - comes out of the blue. But emotionally, they seem important in ways I don't see right now. Could just be the chile relleno I had for lunch, too.... shrug... but it sure doesn't feel that way.
First one, was situated in some kind of monastic or convent type estate. I was being pursued by something that I perceived was malevolent; harmful to me. Not a specific creature or being; more of a force of nature. I was wearing some midnight blue gown; no weapons; no outerwear to protect from the chilly wet night. I took a turn, at speed, running right into the arms of some tall but strong, maternal figure who wrapped me in a deep crimson cloak. Said to not be afraid that she/they would hide and protect me. /end scene
Well, that woke me up! No one currently in my life of that stature or gravitas. But I did get the sense of my old tai chi teacher. And nothing currently "threatening me" in my awake-life either. So I shook it off and went back to sleep.
Next dream continued the theme - the setting this time, was the home of an old, old acquaintaince from the 70s. Strong, solitary, maternal; retired professional figure skater - and she had performed some chunks of her own tai chi routine for us in real life. There were many people in her home; a communal situation; and I was trying to find some square feet upon which to claim "my space" and find a role within the greater, constantly changing crowd of people. In this dream, lots of people challenging my existence in that space at all - so struggle and conflict. And TEA. LOL.
Yeah, that one woke me up too. I hadn't thought of her in decades and I'm sure she passed on long ago. But again, there was the sense of being accepted into the protection of a secret group of "wise women". From some personal threat I am consciously unaware of. GO FIGURE.
Again, last night with the dreams... this time the old farmhouse we rented while I went to college. It still stands, Hol & I drove past it. The kitchen was original 1700s cabin (which I loved) and I was in my bedroom above it. Looking around at how the house had changed since 1990. More rooms added - someone living in my old studio room; a warren of tunnels, secret hallways & doors... all kinds of art & music students using the house as a home base. Yet my bedroom was spartan. Mattress on the floor and familiar views out all 3 windows; same trees. Both (adult) Holly & Amy came up the kitchen stairs and started trying to get me to leave that space - where I was content, safe, welcome and comfortable. Then we explored the house.... and couldn't find our way out. I've had this dream about that house at least a dozen times before. The people mostly unknown to me; strangers. So I don't think there is anything being messaged about me, to me... rather it's something about the house itself. <wide eyes> Wondering... pondering...
I've had similar dreams over the past couple years about the beach house - I usually see it in the dream empty. No furniture people or activity. The pool is covered always in that dream. The poolhouse - the space of so many memories - is dark & quiet. In real life, it was bright, full of tacky geegaws, & full of music and people.
Yeah, I know the Jungian symbolism of the "house" in dreams. No, I don't think there is anything left over, unprocessed, from all the previous work I've done. This feels "new". I have noticed about myself, the past couple years, that I was keeping my attention firmly planted in the external world - other-oriented and dealing with physical expressions of me. Like redesigning the studio. I haven't felt interested; no pull from - the shadow work or the void & veil. That seemed like it was closed for the time being. A "gone fishin'" sign on the door so long, I wondered if I just imagined it all. Astrology stuff was "another language" that I couldn't understand. I unsubscribed my last tarot reader because nothing she was reading was relatable to me.
Now, it seems to be opening up again in the "old reliable" form of dreams. I learned awhile back, that asking "why" and trying to analyze this kind of thing was a total waste of time. I'm better off "winging it" and accepting the happy accidents that occur along the way. And they ARE there. It's not like I move from being in one world or the other; rather when that side is active I'm partly in both. At the same time.
We think we have a local fisher cat which has been reducing the flock of ducks & geese; mostly just kills them - doesn't eat them. Ducks are all gone; I counted only 10 geese yesterday. Hol surmises that when all the birds are gone, S will be too. (I'm not so sure...)
B is happily adapting to having his bolus active - to boost pain relief temporarily - and trying to learn the best time to use it. He's been getting 4-5 hrs of sheer relief, followed by a distinct crash back into the chronic pain for a couple hours - followed by an echo of the relief for another long stretch of time. We've got the referral now for the urologist - and are completely on our own selecting one. I dunno what he's going to test for, since the stimulator has been off the symptoms haven't reoccurred. As I documented. But of course, we can't be believed; there just has to be something else going on with him. The tech for the device looked absolutely devastated suggesting he just leave it off until we go thru the silly process of more tests to prove it's not prostate issues or something else causing the symptoms, that it is just like said - the electrical signal from the leads directly to those S1 & S2 nerves. S I G H.
I am spending part of the morning & afternoon picking out one of 30 different shades of white to combine with the paint colors I picked out for the studio. Ceiling will be white. LOL. 30! I've got one more window to sponge and then I get the second coat of mud on. Already have primer for the drywall. Got exterior paint for the doors to match siding & trim... waiting on deck sealer... and waiting on weather. Meanwhile there are all kinds of "relocation of stuff" tasks to complete to prepare for the next phase of updating.
OH! and last weekend the new prez recommended we upgrade some equipment at the shop. It's a good investment I believe and is one step closer to making sure the kids receive a competitive company when we turn shares over. Bro & I quickly came to a decision to proceed. A big change from where we started working together. In fact, he was more on top of things than I was! That was a shocker. But a welcome one.