Captain's Log - 2024

[sKePTiKal]

I think I know now, what the energy increase is on the studio project - it's a collaboration between Hol & I, though she's insisting she willing to make my vision/decisions "so". But she's had a LOT of input on the paint color and various "accoutrements" going into the room. The collab is forcing me to communicate the vague ideas that are morphing into decisions to her, too.

The initial contact with woodworker on the workbenches has begun. His prices are reasonable for bespoke cabinets! But it will take quite a bit of time. I need to spend some time on the plumbing rework DOWNSTAIRS with B. We need a longer bracket to mount ceiling fan. I'll just purchase bathroom vanity and my "tiny" kitchen and bar - but I need to see if my bookmarks are still good. We're tossing around doing concrete counter top, because it'll be easy to form in a sink drainboard. I'm going to need a VERY large rug, too. I saw something online recently about custom sized rugs and my local flooring place now has bound carpet too. I need matching blinds for the new windows & trim. Hol had suggested glass & brass wall shelves... but while the one she showed me is perfectly Toulouse-Lautrec, it's just a tad "girly" for me. I might have to look for something more substantial than that.

Meanwhile, I've distracted myself from ordering this year's herb plants and I really need to get that order in, they ship in April. And I'm in suspense about how much my taxes are gonna be so, I'm scared to order TOO much until I know what that amount is going to be. B needs a steel wheelbarrow, too... sigh.

[lighter]

Updates, Amber?

Plants, countertops? 
Cabinet decisions?

[sKePTiKal]

Too cold for seed starting, still! Feels like 20 out there this morning and the 20-30 mph wind is blowing a skiff of snow!!

I got a first coat of paint on the outside of the back door at studio, but it's VERY streaky for some reason. Definitely needs a second coat, but it has to warm up first - and when it does, it's expected to rain. Waiting on Hol to finish ceiling sanding so we can prime - and she's had a series of "pet adventures" over the weekend and now has company... so waiting on her.

B's been on wood duty again. Big tree came down across the road to the highway. But that gave him a chance to ask neighbor about taking down a few more before they fall. He's got his appts squared away to go get another load.

[lighter]

Moving so many agendas ahead by increments dependant on other people's actions.

I'm paying such close attention to other people's words, deeds and alignment of same.

Not to judge.  Only to adjust my big girl panties and get on with acceptance, action and what comes next.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

It's all sort of a sort of juggling shitshow, Lighter. I don't plan anyone's choice of what to do with their time; they do. With S getting an apartment now in NoVa, and working more days than not again - Hol has had his dog get a deer jaw stuck in his mouth and he needed sedated to not reflexively bite whomever was trying to help him and then, outside kitties on a week long walkabout, come back having injuries from tangling with either feral cats or "nature". There's always a minor vehicle issue to deal with around here...

and weather too. We've had extremely low humidity this week and high winds. (My equipment shed cover is shredding.) Last night, brushfires kept our volunteer fire depts hopping and they evacuated a community about 20 miles north of us. Hol still has a facebook account, so she was seeing the reports online (sadly, the ONLY source of county info online these days).
 
B's been cooking dinner lately; insisting on it. We're busy all day until later in the afternoon when we knock off, reconoitre, and plan out the next day's tentative outline. Knowing full well, that no plan survives contact with the next day's reality. Hol's probably not getting back to work in the studio until next Monday - she's headed up to B'more to watch a friend's play and hang with her ladies. She's been busy all week with friends who came out here to visit with her and help out another friend who's bought a second property not too far from here. I have outside doors to paint, as weather permits,in the meantime and B is gearing up, clearing up & organizing in prep for returning in a month with the next load.

So yeah, I still need to get seeds started and he wants to roto-till the garden Friday, if the spot is dry enough. It might not be. I did get more herb plants ordered. And I'll need another truckload of mushroom compost & topsoil this year - but the nursery isn't really open yet. Then I need to get reacquainted with the bobcat. I need to order gravel for the driveway, but first Hol needs some work or advice on drainage around her house.

I'm having two cabinets built in the style of a vintage "work table" that Hol found online and my sewing cabinet is here for the studio. Cabinets are a simple black carcass with one shelf and sliding doors, wood top. We have old cabinets to repurpose or burn when weather permits and sofas to swap. I'd love to clear more out of that room before we paint and repair/add trim but I don't see it happening.

Tuesday, B woke up and was just SURE it was Thursday and that was important for some reason. Then, Wed. I did the same thing. Today is Thursday... Hol's gone over the mountain today, B's feeling all the trees he had to cut out of the road, drag another one back up the hill today and I have just remembered that I need to do spring cleaning.... and don't feel like it. Maybe we'll just have "Sunday" today and not do anything, except piddle with stuff we want to do.

New keyboard I got for the ipad is making me crazy - a kazillion glitchy little things with it and I'm tired of trying to put up with it. Sometimes it works just fine and other days like today, it has a mind (an insane one) of it's own. Keeps typing html for emoticons all by itself!!! SIGH.

We try not to judge each other and accept other people's strengths and struggles around here, Lighter. It's the only way all this stuff can happen and keep moving forward without resentment. Yeah, there are disagreements. Yeah, we have feelings. No, we don't let them get in the way of using our brains to find solutions and let things go and move on.

I WOULD like B to get one of the 4 wheelers running so I can have the ranger back, though.  LOL.

[Hopalong]

Sounds like one of those crunch times, Amber.
And sounds like you're navigating it well.

Keeping track of Hol and S and B is a lot.

For me, lazy and anxious, every day is Sunday. Barring some appointments.
Despite my own busier activities, I feel retirement in my bones and am so grateful for that freedom.

I think it's because I spent so many many years working for da man.

I think if you didn't find joy, as Lighter does, in complex, long-term projects and preparations, you would be living in a condo somewhere, disconnected from nature, not enjoying your compound/studio/gardens dreams.

As long as they bring joy they are probably extending your life.

But how many "loads" does B have to go fetch before he fully lives with you?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I don't pay very close attention to what everyone else is doing or when - or I wouldn't be able to do a thing myself! Sometimes, they work together... and sometimes one will work with me... to make a job shorter.

B does things "like I do" - his way. So I can trust him to ride off & do. Hol is KINDA learning about how collaboration works now... so I'm forgiving when she does "her way" because it's "the best way". And of course, she makes a lot of assumptions that aren't accurate. As long as the end result is what we discussed, I just have to "give" leeway and let it be. B tends to do more when he works with Hol, than she would like - because she wants to do it herself, under supervision. And in a way, he has as much trouble saying things in a way she can understand - same as I do. We see it in our heads, but it just doesn't translate well, verbally.

We are just about out of open space - for the moment - for B to bring everything here all at once. And I have a hard time letting him out of my sight, because he forgets to eat and rest before he puts himself out of commission for a few days. Right now, his timetable is managed by his dr appts/tests etc. So, when he goes back to get another load - he's scrapping, trashing, selling things that he doesn't need or plan to use anymore. And that stuff takes more time than he has, before he has to be back. Yeah, appts can be changed - but without a functioning stimulator sans side effects - he doesn't want to push anything back. And he MUST be here for the pump fill. It's not like he can just go to Jiffy Lube and say "fill 'er up". LOL. Time, place, technician are all highly controlled for morphine and synthetic morphine. Also, 30 years in the same place - and closed businesses - has accumulated into a massive amount of "stuff". I know it's emotionally difficult to part with some things (I'm STILL working on that) and it's physically exhausting too.

So it takes him as long as it takes. He has been spending months at a time here and only going back for a month to pack up more stuff... he won't be able to bring the mill this return trip; too much weight to rush that. Too dangerous to half-ass it.

This doesn't trouble me AT ALL. And I kinda enjoy having a break from all the running around to appts.

[Hopalong]

I get it. His trips back to get stuff give you a much needed break from it all.
I dunno if I could handle a FT relationship so can imagine how much adjusting you've done...even though you love him and love sharing your life. Sometimes it's gotta be Amber time.

Hope you enjoy it every day.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Part of it, is my finally acquiring a sense of independence. B has taken on, without me even asking, a lot of the things I would normally do. Hol is also, stepping up and doing. That is very welcome, but then leaves me wondering what I'm good for sometimes. So, in those moments, I flail a bit. Being totally alone means I can breathe into the relying just on myself space again.

B also sees/does the things that don't make it onto my radar priority list, but I know need to be addressed. So there really IS less on the list. But then, between these two people that i'm interacting with on THEIR schedule, sometimes I'm not seeking/getting my own quiet downtime. I've been working on that a couple different ways.

Lest any of this sound like a complaint or serious issue... it's just something I'm aware of and am dealing with. Yesterday was the first day I drove by myself in months! Because the jeep has smaller tires, it's not as easy to see now, pulling out on the highway... so I had a little anxiety over that. And remembered: so, roll the window down so you can HEAR too... breathe; be patient... and pounce on the accelerator when you DO pull out. This old lady still throws gravel - LOL.

[lighter]

You sound so good, Amber! 

Paying attention to your needs and time spent with others/spent alone to recharge.

You're restoring balance....
no. 

You're mindfully crafting balance in your life.

I hope it feels empowering for you.  It's ok to not know the shape of things all the time.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, some days it's not worth the effort to try to know the "shape of things" current or future. By the time I figure it out, it's already changed again anyway!  LOL.

We're talking a good bit about change here. I can practically smell the influence of change these days. It's invigorating to me - even knowing that it's the full yin/yang energy. ALWAYS. But it's an opportunity to exercise creativity and the challenges that do come, are chances to apply that creativity in solutions. Change makes me feel alive and useful because I tend to embrace it and flow with it, rather resist it, force it into a status quo pattern or feel afraid of it.

[Hopalong]

That's fantastic to read, Amber.
And inspiring.

I can "see" you sniffing the spring air, alert to all the signs of the mountains waking up around you. What a beautiful season and place to experience it. Been there.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... it's still snowing out in the ski areas southwest of us. And it's been too cold to start any seeds here (at night). I don't have heat in the barn. But I can maybe get some things started this weekend. And I really need to get the plants I overwintered, outside soon.

[sKePTiKal]

Very busy day today... more studio work & checking in with Hol.

Thursday night she finally admitted to herself that she's miserable IN her relationship with S and is finally allowing the grief over the potential breakup in. Tough night for all of us - B drove her home from the studio. S had left early to go get Beeb settled in the new apartment before needing to go to work. All while saying he'd be home Sunday - and not adequately assuring her of any commitment here, to the place or to their relationship. Methinks he believes he can waltz back in Sunday and things will have blown over & continue on as before.

Methinks Hol isn't having that. Not now. Patience has blown away in this wind. And she misses the dog more than S.

So, that's our little melodrama around here, for now.

Taxes were kinder to me than they have been recently... so big push onwards on studio and stuff we need around here. Maybe even a smaller version of the rug I found, that is absolutely PERFECT for the space - albeit I won't get as large a one made per Hol's estimated size which was ungodly expensive.

B's got a pump fill early next week - then he's gone with the wind for 3-4 weeks.

[Hopalong]

Wow. Is S entitled enough to try to keep Hol's dog? Or is it a co-dog? Hope not.

I'm glad you're feeling good. Or better. Or spring-focused. Or all of those.

I was just thinking about your UID...you really are the Captain of your mountain.

hugs
Hops