Christmas blues

[bludie]

I dont know if I say the words right because I write this down and then your reply is strange sometimes.

The replies might seem strange because you may not be hearing what you want. I'd like to remain supportive, bkkabri, but I don't hear you wanting to change or seek help. It's been mentioned often and I hope you consider counseling as a New Year's resolution. Beginning 2005 in the way you ended 2004 isn't necessary if you want help and desire change.

[BlueTopaz]

I wish I could take it back, because if that would have made her happy talking about disease, I would have listened as long as it wasnt all night.  I feel responsible because I should have listened more about her day.

Hi BK,    

If you listened more about her dayand about disease she would have found something else to be upset about, and the exact same thing would have happened.  

I'm not sure if you understand that it wasn't about you or anything specific that you did?  The behavior of someone with a personality disorder is pre-determined.  It was pre-destined before she even met you!  Amazing when you realize it.  You can't win no matter what with these people. She will do the very same thing to the next unfortunate bloke because her behavior expression has nothing to do with her partners,  personally.  They are just objects of disease interacation and
projection.

Here is a way to look at it...  A person has diabetes and is often sick during a relationship.  The partner of that person would not take the diabetes illness personally and say if they behaved differently then maybe their partners would not have been sick with diabetes.  It is the same thing.  Your ex was sick, but emotionally.   I know it can be  harder for us to see as an illness when it is an emotional versus a physical illness.   But they are the same in terms of your ability to have changed anything by your behaviors.

I just wish I could get some real closure. Some peace from the fact that I meant something to her

Partner's of N's often need to give themselves their own closure, and you can give it to yourself.  Let your peace and closure lie in massive education regarding NPD (this will make so many of your "non understandables", understandable), and your release of your own guilty feelings in all of this, with the help of a counselor.

About her caring about you, it seems like at least some N's/N-traited people do have genuine caring feelings about their partners, and genuinely do not want to hurt them.  It is just that they do not have any kind of consistent control over (yet are still accountable for) their irrational emotions, thinking styles, behaviors, as not to do so.  They are emotionally disordered.

So in the midst of, and underneath all of her emotional illness and crazy, hurtful behavior, why not believe there was a small part of her that did care about you, and let that thorn in your side go now?  It is very possible.

Now, I know you are not going to ask "if she cared, how could she
xyz & xyz"... <arrrrggggh!--smile   >    If you wonder that, then again, you need to read all you can on NPD.

And regardless, again, like a broken record (sorry!) as so many have said already... if you could get to talk to a counselor a few times, it will make a difference for you.

BlueTopaz

[bkkabri]

I have given myself my own closure.  I sent her an email and requested that she not respond.  I told her that I wished she would have talked to me about her insecurities because I would have listened.  I also told her that the reason I told her about my dad was because talking about her patients and their diseases made me remember the hopelessness that the families and patients are feeling, and my heart went out to them.  The problem was that it kept opening old wounds.  I never wanted to discuss my past with that because i wanted to live in the present and future.  I told her that I sit here today watching everyone opening their gifts and seeing the sincere thoughts that went with them. I dont understand why you would demean me and buy me something like porn on a day that is supposed to be filled with love and thoughtfulness.  I told her that I miss the woman I met, but I dont know the person you have become.  If porn is how you think of me on a day like Christmas, then I dont deserve to be with somebody as cold and unfeeling as you.  Thank you everyone for stamping it in my head.  I guess the bus hit me hard, but there is no other expanation as to why a woman would try so hard to make me happy, and then turn me away so coldly unless something was wrong with her.  I really do miss  the woman I met.  I really thought someday we were going to marry.  I never asked, but it was something I dreamed about.  In the end , I realize I am chasing the dream.  I keep hoping to wake up from this bad dream and have the woman wake up next to me and say I had this terrible night mare.

[Anonymous]

http://pages.ivillage.com/cl-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/id13.html

BK,
Some of these daily affirmations/meditations might be helpful. They say it takes 90 days (or something like that) to change or affect new behaviors/habits. Wish I had seen this is my first few months. Hope it helps.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

I have given myself my own closure.  I sent her an email and requested that she not respond.

You are trying to provoke an argument with her. She gave you a porn tape last year. THAT was the time to tell her about it. I don't believe in throwing these things in someone's face a year later. Of course she has every right to respond to your email, as I suspect you want her to.  This wasn't closure.

bunny