Well several N books say, best to just run away from the N, but since
he is my father, I decided to give him a chance.
I asked him if he had TIME for a chat, and it was late at night so that
if it all went badly we could just go to sleep afterwards, also a tired N
is often a less virulent one...
So I began by telling him that I had to have some changes in our
relationship or I woudlnt be able to spend so much time with him.
(give him less attention).
I told him I needed him to learn to relate to me on a more equal
level. That my endurance for receiving put-downs from him had worn out.
He tried to break in and tell me what my problem was, but I kept my
voice low, held a hand up and just said. I am here to discuss the chance
you have of retaining my company with you so please let me finish.
He said OK
So I said I had researched and discovered that he has a personality
disorder, and that I love him anyway, and dont need to tell him all about
it, but that I need to tell him how his skewed personality effects me.
Just in case he has any ability to treat me differently.
He was strangely quiet. Of course i was talking about him, so he was
interested.
I told him that I was afraid to tell him what I had discovered, and that
I wanted him to promise me to not strike back or retaliate. He promised.
So I said that one of the things I had felt was that he always has to feel
either superior, or have the power in any interaction, and that I needed
him to treat me as an equal from now on.
He said he would try.
I told him that I knew he needed a lot of applause and attention, but
that I could no longer provide that without being valued by him more.
And then I told him from now on when I feel put down by him, I was
going to tell him, so that he would know what his effect was on me.
+++
The next day, today, I was frightened that he would really start crucifying me, but instead he was more relaxed, as if now he didnt have to pretend anymore to be "normal".
He did however criticise me in 3 different ways within about 10 minutes and I calmly told him what it was that was so insulting. He was shocked.
No one had ever said anything to him, no one had ever taught him how to
give back emotionally. He said "Thanks for telling me."
Maybe he was finally, after decades, ready to take a small look at himself.
He is old and I suggested that if he do a little work on himself and his emotions that he might have an easier death.
And too, I had been packing all my things during the preceding week, including taking back all the things I had given him over the years,
so I think he knew something was Up and that I was serious.
I was very calm when I told him. I meant it.
So far so good,
He went to his girlfriend, who adores his big fake act.
I said, Please return an equal human being, not a
"God"father. He smiled. He got it. A little humor worked too.
Just wanted to share this very surprising story. Ive tried many times
over the decades to get through to him. This time it worked.
Cross your fingers for me!
Grace
