Riding in Cars w/Boys

[catlover]

The following quote came from another thread (most N comment ever II) but it hit such an incredibly sore spot that I felt the need to give it its own thread:

Do any of you have parents who placed unrealistic expectations of conduct upon you while growing up(i.e., you were only seven yet they expected you to possess the thought processes and self-possession of a fully mature adult)?

HELL YES!!  Here's something I read that fits the situation to a "T":
"The individual whose environment demands that he or she be more than possible ... Such an individual is told 'you are superior to others', but at the same time his or her personal feelings are ignored."

My mother told me about sexual stuff for as long as I can remember, because I should "know about those things" as early as possible.

I think my Nmother had me start washing dishes when I was about 4 years old.  She put a chair up next to the sink so I could reach.  She thought it was only fair that since she made dinner, I wash the dishes (even the pots and pans).  When I would come home from school and hadn't washed the dishes the night before, as soon as I opened the door she would say, "Dishes kid."  No questions about how my day was ever or anything like that, just "Dishes kid."

When I was 9 I went looking for an Easter basket on easter morning and she said, "Oh there isn't one.  You're too old for that now."  

Total irony:  When I was about 10, my Nmother gave me a book titled, "I Am Not a Short Adult."  HUH??  You sure as hell could have fooled me!!

It was always made clear to me that I would have to get full college scholarships, because nobody would be helping me with college.  Of course I complied.  When I was ten years old, my mother was cooking something at the stove, and a friend of mine who was there asked, "What would happen if Gwyn got an "F"?"  My mother whipped around towards us and said very nastily, "She'd get FUCKED, that's what would happen."  

I rented the movie "Riding in Cars With Boys," which claimed to be about how a young woman "Did everything wrong but got everything right."  From early on it was clear that the young woman was a narcissist and her young son paid the price.  Sure, SHE ended up doing fine, but HE didn't.  There's one scene where she goes for a college interview with him (I think he's like 2 years old) and expects him to sit still and silently through the whole thing.  The movie was very painful to watch but fascinating for someone raised under these same conditions - including the part about the mother being determined to be successful in college and expecting her son to help her do that.  When the kid's about five she yells at him, "We're supposed to be a TEAM!" and he yells back, "No we're not!  I'm supposed to be the KID and you're supposed to be the MOM!!"  Wow - if only WE had found that kind of voice for ourselves at such a young age!!  

I had a nightmare about this "high expectations with no support" a couple years ago:  My mom and stepdad (who continued the unrealistic expectations at my mother's lead) were telling me I had to climb up to the top of this building, but the only ladder was extremely rickety and they refused to even hold onto it for me while I climbed.  

I think this is why so many of us are so hard on ourselves - it's what we learned!!  Also why we don't demand more respect and support from others... and on and on.  GRRRRR  

Repeat after me:  I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.  I CAN MAKE MISTAKES.  I CAN ASK FOR WHAT I NEED.

[mum]

wow, Gwyn.  What a story!  Is your mom still at it?  Gosh, I feel for you!
My second ex told me housework is "what kids are for".  I thought he was kidding.  He wasn't. We are now divorced.  Ok, he was not thier dad, but
I just don't get how a parent DOES this to the person who is supposed to be the most precious thing in the world to them!

I see my ex do this to his own children: they must explain everymove they make, have every bite of food they take scrutinized and permitted by dad and stepmom.  And these kids are teenagers!!!
I spend a lot of my time diffusing that negative energy when they come home.  It's exhausting, but like my son said: "you got to divorce him, you don't have to live with him" (neither do they, but that's another HUGE thing my kids are too afraid to face).  Bottom line, he really WILL always be thier dad, and they always will wait patiently for the metered out, meager bits of kindness he gives them now and again.

[Anonymous]

{{{{ gwyneyveyre }}}}

One of the most common reasons for child abuse is parents overestimating the cognitive and physical abilities of a child. They have no clue about child development and don't bother to learn.

bunny

[Anonymous]

It does sound like your Nmom robbed you of your childhood.  That is so sad to hear.  

Assigning chores to children does help them with building self-esteem and learning about responsibility but your Mom took it to an extreme.  I can't imagine my son or daughter scrubbing pots and pans for me.  

It was always made clear to me that I would have to get full college scholarships, because nobody would be helping me with college

Don't feel badly about this one.  Many of my friends, both my brothers, and myself put ourselves through college.  I don't think that is a N thing.  Personally, I feel that it did me a world of good to pay my way. No loans or scholarships....worked and went to school.  I'm saving for my children's college but I won't be paying all of it for them.  

Sorry to hear that your parents were so screwed up and caused you such pain.    

Mia

[catlover]

Thank you so much Bunny, Mum and Mia - it helps every time anyone acknowledges that I'M NOT THE "CRAZY" ONE!!!

[October]

"The individual whose environment demands that he or she be more than possible ... Such an individual is told 'you are superior to others', but at the same time his or her personal feelings are ignored."

I love the quote, Gwyneveyre; it explains a lot about why our parents behave like this.  Your stories about your mum, and the dishes, reminded me of when I was small, at a time when my Nmum worked nights (nursing).  My older brother and I had to help with chores in the morning, before she came in, and dad would get us up and send us to put the kettle on, and get the coal to light the fire.  

I was scared of matches/fire (I burned my fingers touching the bars of an unguarded electric fire when I was a baby), and the kettle was on a gas stove.  I used to stand there, with a match in one hand, and the box in the other, pretending to be just about to do it, and knowing that I couldn't.  Standing, frozen with fear.  I used to hope that OB would get there before dad, and do it for me.  Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't.  Sometimes dad told him to do it, and I got the coal instead.  I could do that.  

Dad got angry because his ideas of discipline came from his national service, where everyone is supposed to be more afraid of the officers than of getting shot, according to him.  So I was supposed at 5 years old to be more afraid of my dad than of burning my fingers on a match, and he was angry when it was the other way round, and shouted at me.  

However, it is important to remember the good times.   The good times were when OB came down first, and lit the stove for me.  

You are definitely not the crazy one!!!!!!!!