Is he a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

I do I know if he is a narcissist? I've been dating my BF for 6 years. I've been exposed to the following behaviours.
When his son was 5, and had school the next day and I made the comment that it was 11:00 at nite and why was he still up-my BF responded with "you are just jealous of the time I spend with my son". Any reference to any behavior of his son, was met with comments like this. The school is at wits end. The boy is now 11, and get's into trouble nearly every day-since kindergarten. My BF says "if school wants to meet with me, they do it on my time, in my space". He believes his son does no wrong. He believes HE does no wrong. He comes first, my needs do not exist. We are 20 miles apart, I do all the driving to be together. He never admits to mistakes, and actually will put the blame elsewhere.
He owns his own businesses. The first one nearly went bankrupt, he's on his 2nd and 3rd. He does not pay his necessary bills, but spends what he gets on himself and his son. He uses people to meet his needs. He's charming & kind to people on one hand, and will cut them down when he no longer needs them on the other. People are fooled by him, he will help them, but he better get something in return if a male, and adoration if its a female. He lies with ease. He struts/poses in front of women, to the point where he's obssesive and he can't get his work done. IF he even feels like working, he believes you get others to do everything for you. So even tho he can not afford help-he hires help. He needs to look good to the community.He is very defensive when any type of critizism is used, even little things.
I feel he has taken me from a secure happy woman, to the brinks of insecurity and insanity. I no longer trust my instincts. It's horrible. It's sick, because when we are alone-he is so wonderful to me. Am I dealing with 2 people? I don't know what he wants from me. If I were to strut the way he does, he'd be jealous. Am I his possession? He helps other women, and tells me to do it myself. He tells me I'm the one who has to be right all the time, even though he obviously has done something wrong, but I begin to believe it's me with the problem. In the beginning I sensed an insecurity in him, I almost go overboard in telling him he's ok-and that he should stop worrying about what other people think. I don't lecture him-I talk to him with kindness. I feel really messed up!!

[Brigid]

Dear Guest,
Welcome.  From your description, I would most definitely say he is an N.  All of the traits are there and it sounds like it is escalating.  My best advice is to get out of the relationship now before he completely sucks you dry.  The chances of his improving are slim and then only if he is willing to admit he needs help and gets it.  Most likely he will just continue to get worse and that will spiral you down to a much worse place with less strength to leave him.  

Is the boy's mother involved in his life?  It sounds like someone needs to intervene in that situation or that poor child is doomed.  However, it doesn't need to be you because you need to save yourself.

Many of us here have been where you are and you will find a great deal of support and advice.  Good for you that you have started the process and realize that this is not a healthy relationship.  You are on the right track.  Keep moving forward and don't look back.

Good luck.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

The short answer is Yes. He sounds like a narcissist.

Check out this site that people here have found helpful:

www.drjoecarver.com. Read the article called "IDENTIFYING LOSERS IN RELATIONSHIPS." I think it will help you more than anything I could say.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Guest,
If he isn't an N, he does a superb imitation of one.

If you don't mind an impertinent question why have you stuck with him six years if he has driven you to the brink of insecurity and insanity?

You aren't married and it doesn't sound like you have kids, so why not go look for someone who isn't a lying insecure weirdo who drives you insane? Even if you don't find someone it sounds better to be alone than with this guy.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

The child's mother left the marriage when the little boy was 4yrs. old. She did not fight for custody. (Looking back, I believe she knew she would lose a custody battle.)She sees him about 6 times a year now, but earlier she stayed away.  My BF had told me that the reason she left was because she was jealous of the relationship he had with their child. He told me his ex was insecure and crazy-to the point he would have used that as defense. In the beginning I felt so sorry for him, and could not believe a woman could feel that way about their child. I always thought a father's involvement was a wonderful attribute. But over the years, I saw a sickness in his relationship with his child. As if he were a extension of himself, like and arm or something, ya know-does that sound odd?
He often used the child in our relationship to get his way with me. Like, if I disagreed with him on any matter, that night he would make sure his son cuddled on his lap, and would distance me-as if to wait for me to challange the move. It was weird-anyone else go through something like this? I LOVE kids(I have raised 2 of my own), but if I were unable to do some babysitting for him, he'd accuse me of hating kids and would twist the situation.
I have often thought of talking to the boy's mother, I'm surprised the school hasn't (she lives 30 miles away in another state, does not pay child support, he has full custody). I guess I'm also the surprised the school hasn't intervened more. Just last week they had confrontation with my BF-he was again "defending" his son's actions-when a teacher said "oh my, you are the reason your son is this way" I'm not sure how long a school will take the behavior of the TWO.
I do see a possible little narcissist in the making. It's sad-but I don't know how to help him.

[Anonymous]

Why did I stay for 6 years? His charm, his wit, his manipulation. I guestioned things, he made me feel as if  I TRULY WAS THE SICK ONE. His cunning, everyone who knew him only casually would tell me how lucky I was. I for years believed them, rather than myself. Yes, why did I stay with him for so long? Why do I hurt when he's not around?
Well, I am here now. That is what matters today. I only hope these posts can give me the insight I need to go on without him-it's really not as easy to leave someone with this personality as you may think....

[Anonymous]

It was weird-anyone else go through something like this?

That is classic N behavior. They isolate and ostracise the 'enemy' until they capitulate. I'm going through it now, but I aint capitulatin'.

I wonder if the mother is truly messed up or if she just ran away from this jerk. I can't imagine a 'normal' mother leaving her son to be raised by wolves like this.

mudpup

[Andrea]

Hi Guest...

Some of his behaviors sound similiar to my ex's! The "driving 20 miles to see him"  I always had to go to my boyfriends home also. He never could come to mine and stay over. The "Defensiveness" I could never comment on a mistake he made. I couldn't tease him, or joke around with him, and if he took something the wrong way, he'd cut me down at the knees.

The "women" He thought he was something else and I should be so lucky to have him in my life. He could kiss some butt..bartenders, sales girls, strangers. He could come off "so nice".

And "other's helping him" He would always take what he could get. He would fool some people to do him "favors".  But he wouldn't be so bold to demand things, only with me. "Get me something to eat" "Stop here and get this" "I want you to type this report up for me".

And for your insecurity....huh. I was always a very outspoken, outgoing person with my own mind. After dating him I thought I was losing my mind. I was always doubting myself, very hard on myself about my looks (I was never skinny or pretty enough for him) and my life pretty much revolved around him and his needs. There wasn't much of "me" left.

It's is the hardest thing to walk away. I've been back and forth with him for over a year. But I'm done now for good. And I feel like a whole new person. (And you know what, once he's gone you really won't miss the crap!)

P.S. keep writing here. These people are smart and you are not alone. It will save you're sanity, if not you're life.

[Anonymous]

Hi again guest,

it's really not as easy to leave someone with this personality as you may think

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound snippy. After all, I hung around my brother for twenty freaking years, so its kind of the pot calling the kettle black, huh?
At least you have romantic love to blame. He was just my brother. How do they fool us so easily? (sound of shoe kicking my own rear end)

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Andrea

Thank-you. You basically took the words out of my mouth! My BF is the BIGGEST jokester you could meet, but if I were to joke back, look out!! I listened to him tell me how he "joked" around all morning with the women that rent a hair salon from him on April Fools Day, but when I asked him if I dare pull pranks on a bunch of guys.., well I'm sure you can imagine his reaction.

Hey, it really feels good to finally relate to people who understand.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Guest:

Welcome to this site.  Yes, unfortunately you have been hoodwinked for six years by a six year old N.  Six year old children are arbitrary in their relationships.  You should view your relationship with this adult N as such.  You are their best friend so long as you are doing what they want.  They include you in their life so long as you admire them and their wants and needs.  He is even using his own son to manipulate you.  His Nness knows no boundaries.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to leave.  The folks here at this site have been through many N type relationships.  There is NO hope of him changing.  He throws a crumb your way to keep you in line.  So long as you mirror what he wants he is satisfied.  However the minute you begin to question things .....volia you are persona non grata.  I feel very sorry for the son.  Where is he headed?  Well as a retired teacher I can tell you if  his behavior at school does not shape up, it is an alternative school for behavior disordered children.  The N does not admit to anything being wrong with the son because, alas, it is a direct reflection upon himself.  As  you have stated the child is an extension of himself and ANY correction of his son will JUST NOT DO.  The son is indeed suffering from the Nness of his father.  Please get out of this relationship ASAP.  Just my 2c.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Hi and welcome!

I feel really messed up!!

This is what these people do....mess us up.

Hope you will be comfy here and begin the job of undoing the mess.

The first step is in your head.....thinking and deciding what to do about the mess (which is sooooo hard with all of the feelings in there messing up all the thinking and deciding).  

What a mess eh?  Yep.  

But luckily.....one that can be tidied up and then......life will go on for you in new and improved form.  

This guy sounds like........ not a good mate, at the very least.

So......what's next???  How much longer will you stay and feel messed up?
What do you think?

GFN

[Anonymous]

I am trying to leave him.

Six weeks ago, he blew up at me in front of my 20 yr old son. He had been working on building a new rental building. His next big money maker. A woman was going to rent 1 of the spaces in this bldg for a hair salon. Can you imagine the attention he'll get there?

I have done his bookkkeeping since I met him, my son has worked for him for 2 years also. I have ALWAYS had to remind him of all financial responsibilities. As I mentioned earlier, he's not very good at handling money. If it were not for the lies he told the bankers, they would never have given him the loans they have given him. His favorite saying for any of his ideas "It's a no brainer" Which can make you feel like an idiot for a moment if you don't agree with him. He can actually talk to bankers this way, and get away with it. It amazes me.

One day I reminded him to make sure to charge the owner of the hair salon for some special doors she wanted put in. I no more than made the comment and he said "You just think I want to fu## her" He then, for the first time ever, threw papers at me and stormed out. I was in shock, as was my son. We walked out, and trust me, I never wanted to go back. My son kept saying "Mom, you didn't do anything, is he bi-ploar?"

I then started to wonder, WAS he guilty of something with her? Or was he still mad at me for not borrowing him $2000 a few weeks earlier. (Yes, he gets a huge construction loan from a bank, and can't pay his bills) I knew he had to meet with her a lot with the bldg project. I also know, of course, that he LOVES attention. I really never thought he'd act on it though. My intuition won out (not to mention his rage in front of my son), so I swore I'd never go back.

Five days later, he called. He wanted to see me. He looked like a hurt puppy. He asked if I was still mad? (I of course, never showed anger that day, only shock). He begged me to come back. And even though he still denied any blame in what had transpired, I went back.

Last week things escalated again. He was lying about little things. Things were looking suspicious with this other woman. My son was even noticing.The thought did cross my mind that he would try to make me jealous so I would be extra nice to keep him happy. In the past, I unfortunately would give him money, use of my car, whatever he needed if I felt our relationship needed mending. He'd have a way of making me feel like I was a heel if I didn't help him whenever he wanted.

I'd had enuf. I told him I had to end things between us. It was if he would not accept it totally, he thinks we are only seperating for a short time, while I SEEK COUNSELING for MY problems.

It's been 8 days. You will probably still see me refer to him as if he is my current BF yet. I saw him today for a few moments. We talked a little. I'm started to flood myself with good memories-but I know I can't go back. I will try to keep my eye on these posts to help me through..........

[Anonymous]

Guest:

Please keep posting here.  GFN is correct, you must unmess this situation up.  As far as him being a "wheeler dealer" kind of person?  I don't think so.  If he has to borrow money from you, borrow your car, cannot pay people, lie to bankers..........just how long do you think this house of cards can stay up? This is just from the business angle and does not even address what he owes and does personally.  Just from a different angle, even though he has to sign his name for the liabilites, do you really expect him to take all  the blame when all the business stuff he does heads south?  After all YOU have been handling the money etc. and KNEW what he needed to do.....ergo he is blameless.  We are talking about a person that does not even take responsiblity for installation of doors in a beauty salon.  He is six.  

I had an N, now deceased husband who got me into 150K in debt due his "business".  It took all my energy and brain power to get out of it.  Truly traumatic.  Patz

[promqueencasualty]

1.....And even though he still denied any blame in what had transpired, I went back.

2....I told him I had to end things between us. It was if he would not accept it totally, he thinks we are only seperating for a short time, while I SEEK COUNSELING for MY problems.

3....I'm started to flood myself with good memories-but I know I can't go back. I will try to keep my eye on these posts to help me through..........

I took the liberty of truncating your post to illuminate three salient points:

 1. Npeople are masters when it comes to deflecting blame and abdicating responsibility----it is ALWAYS everyone else's problem. It has been my experience that this NEVER changes.

2. The people "closest" to N's often come away from the relationship feeling totally screwed-up because of how N's function within the relationship(see #1 above). N's will do and say ANYTHING to keep from feeling like their narcissistic supply is being compromised---if an N actually acknowledged the hurt (s)he caused someone else, it might cause the N to "feel bad" about him/herself, thus defeating(in the N's mind) the "purpose" for said relationship in the first place(which is to use the other person to feed the Nsupply and keep the N's sense of superiority intact).

3. It is so easy, when you put a little time and distance between yourself and the Nperson, to look only at the "rosier" moments in your relationhip, thus conjuring-up feelings of nostalgia and self-doubt("were things really THAT bad?" "did it really merit my having to leave, or should I have hung in there to work things out?"). But you did the right thing. Trust your gut---your instincts tell you that this situation is really unhealthy, and you are absolutely right.

Stay away from this guy---in the long run, you will be so glad that you  had the strength and courage to move forward(and your son will be glad, too---- it must hurt him to see you taking this abuse).

When you doubt yourself or find yourself in a "weak" moment(i.e., when you feel overwhelmed by the XBF's Ntactics---he will probably pull-out all of the stops if you make good on your promise to stay away), come to this site and keep posting. You have come to the right place----the people here are very wise and kind(and because of their combined experiences with N's, they have probably "heard every line in the book," so they can help you to keep thinking clearly, thus bolstering your resolve) .

Stay strong, Guest. : )

PQC