= unbeleivable =

[d's mom]

{{{((((& all))))}}}
thank you.

[Anonymous]

If you got what you wanted (a longer visit) then who cares if he wrote an angry email about being called Bruce. I thought you had NOT gotten what you wanted. So I was pointing out the ineffective strategy. If it actually works, keep doing it.

bunny

[d'smom]

If you got what you wanted (a longer visit) then who cares if he wrote an angry email about being called Bruce. I thought you had NOT gotten what you wanted. So I was pointing out the ineffective strategy. If it actually works, keep doing it.

ah -- makes perfect sense. i got it. yes no i was just commenting, on the irony of his reaction, and also how unusual it is to see him actually break facade like that.. i guess maybe people thought, i was complaining and wondering why it -didnt- work... which wouldnt have been too smart of me.... no actually hes been unusually compliant this past week. they even let me have my phone calls ontime.....

thank you  - :}
anna

[mum as guest]

Anna: never mind about the name calling thing. I'm surprised that no one said this yet:  IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT NAME YOU CALL HIM, HE WILL FIND SOMETHING TO HATE YOU FOR NO MATTER WHAT. Sorry for the screaming capitals....but I know this guy. I think we all do in some way.  
He will ALWAYS find something to be pissed at.  It's the way he lives.  You  are his favorite target....what he is doing to you and your daughter is evil and he knows it but it doesn't matter.  His soul is rotting away.
There is no rhyme or reason.  You noticed a ridiculous reaction to calling him by his first name.....that's all. If it pissed him off and derailed something....well, how the hell are you supposed to know?  From one minute to the next, they change the rules of their little"war" anyway, so forget about it.
My ex gets pissed if I say the word "home" referring to my house.  Out of control pissed....and if the kids make that mistake, all hell breaks loose.
It's insanity.  We all know there is no arguing with a sick mind.  You just try and duck the flying debris, and look at the larger picture....tough with our hearts (children) involved, but it will save us all.

You are right.  He may "win" these little battles he sets up, but he has already lost the war.....he has no soul, your daughter WILL come through this, and so will you.  My ex is systematically alientating our children by allowing his controlling wife to discipline them, by manipulating them as through they were toddlers, and by demonstrating rage and anger at every turn andmostly, by HATING their mother.  He's already lost. My kids are really nice people, not at all like him, and not interested in being like that.  

He said in front of a mediator once: "I don't care if these kids turn 18 and say 'fuck you dad, I never want to see you again!', but I will have influence over them NOW!"

Well, guess what....my son turns 17 this week....and I doubt my daughter's going to wait that long!!

You will get her back Anna..... you are the best mother she could ever hope for, and you will be able to see the damage undone....you will make it so.
(((((Anna))))))

[mudpuppy]

Hey Anna,

If just calling him Bruce got you what you wanted and caused him to be unusually compliant, think what you could accomplish if you started addressing him by that supercalifrajilistic name GFN had for him on the other thread. Just kidding, but I bet its tempting. Not sure it would fit on an envelope though.

I once read a quote which I've always found wise; I think it was some coach.
He said "Always be like a duck. Calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath."

Hoping you can stay just ducky, Anna.
 

mudpuppy

[d'smom]

Hoping you can stay just ducky, Anna.
 

you guys are the bestestestestest!!!! hows that for making up a word ??

:} :} maybe i will do like hurricanes and call him a different name every time, alphabetically...   ??...  

[Brigid]

Anna,

My guess is that Ol Doc Bruce is jealous of the mother-daughter relationship you have and is using any means possible to derail it.  The man is evil and obviously self-loathing, but since he can't admit that, he shifts his loathing to you and your daughter.

I think you have the patience of Job and I might have hired Sonny and his boys to plant Bruce's feet in cement and put him at the bottom of the Potomac a long time ago.  (As I said earlier, I'm not sure what I could be capable of if someone was keeping me from my children   ).

Hang in there kiddo.  You're the only hope that little girl has.

(((((((Anna)))))))

Brigid

[d's mom]

There is no rhyme or reason....... From one minute to the next, they change the rules of their little"war" anyway, so forget about it.

i totally and completely agree. the ever-changing rules, the un-meetable standards.  most definitely the bottom line.

its really a disincentive for trying to meet them....  as my friend used to say 'i dont like this game - i want to take my ball and go home'!!!!

My ex gets pissed if I say the word "home" referring to my house.  Out of control pissed....

geez......... its just really pathetic honestly, except for when they have their hooks in you..

He may "win" these little battles he sets up, but he has already lost the war..... My ex is systematically alientating our children by allowing his controlling wife to discipline them, by manipulating them as through they were toddlers, and by demonstrating rage and anger at every turn andmostly, by HATING their mother.....

He said in front of a mediator once: "I don't care if these kids turn 18 and say 'fuck you dad, I never want to see you again!', but I will have influence over them NOW!"

its beyond understanding. really it is. its sad, its pathetic, its tragic. really tragic. like someone taking flowers and crushing them into the dirt. valuing life, valuing love, valuing family, its so tough to reconcile people like that,  who not only dont value it - but actively try to crush it where they see it.........  dont they know what they are wasting???? squandering???  thats where you have to take a cosmic perspective i guess. it doesnt make any sense that i can figure out. maybe i will try to breathe for them. i guess that since love is the most powerful thing, its the thing they would hate the most. that makes sense.

You will get her back Anna..... you are the best mother she could ever hope for, and you will be able to see the damage undone....you will make it so.(((((Anna))))))

i feel like crying..... but im just relieved...... this place is the first place in three years i could actually discuss this without being accused of being paranoid, or too sensitive, or too negative, or too angry, or or or or or....... most people wouldnt even let me bring it up.  this is a turning point emotionally and i really, really needed it. i guess your right. we'll all get through.

i keep thinking, there must be some reason. how can i turn this so it makes her stronger in the end. thanks mum. you got me all teary  

[write]

that none of it's about you or your fault...a normal Dad would be so grateful and proud to take care of you.

Now what about starting a journal or even a novel: Dear Doctor Goldreyer ( the things I didn't do which annoyed my father )

I sigh and shake my head so often lately...all I know is we're dealing with society's most difficult and damaging people.
If I though it were positive I'd channel hatred to them...but having been around people who aren't anywhere near human, I cherish my humanity.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Anonymous]

Anna:

I agree with Mum.  It would not matter what you called him, what you did, he would find something to hate you for.  Also in the future, as Mum pointed out, children will no longer be children and will have a mind of their own.  N's may have control over your and Mum's children now, but now is not forever.  Oh, they will care ok when they become ill, aged, and alone.  The looks are gone, wrinkles setting in and no young 20-40 somethings are attracted anymore, no friends to speak of except the hangers on if there is money involved.  They will have all the time in the world as they age to look in the mirror and deny deny deny and they get to do it all alone.

The best revenge is living well (not necessarily talking about money), being happy and having that life they will never have.  People that surround you, that love you and that you love back, N's will never have.

Patz

[Stormchild]

anna, there is a character in the tales of king arthur - i'm pretty sure - whose name was Sir Breuce Sans Pitie.

Sir Bruce the Pitiless.

Sound about right?

[d's mom]

anna, there is a character in the tales of king arthur - i'm pretty sure - whose name was Sir Breuce Sans Pitie.

Sir Bruce the Pitiless.

Sound about right?

yes.... exactly. totally.... ironically, he is a cardiologist - a heart surgeon. he slices peoples hearts open all day - physically, and emotionally    one of the things you do in open-heart surgery is stop and start peoples hearts. before surgery you need to actually stop their heart.. and then after surgery you start it again. so its no wonder hes a megalomaniac. what better excuse to think you are 'god' than starting and stopping peoples hearts.  it went to his ego.

also 'bruce almighty' defnitely fits. he wore a t-shirt in the 70's that said 'legend in my own mind'.  

i put this in the 'unbelievable' thread beuase, it continues to be 'unbelievable'. i wrote that child services had made that visit and werent too hapy with what they found.

well since then, they have straightened up a fair amount with regard to making calls on time, etc. well today, right on time, i got the notice of plane tickets scheduled for her visit this summer. no fuss, no games. unprecedented.

i dont trust them anymore than i would turn my back on a viper - but its very very funny to watch them squirm like this.

i wrote my mother (depressed enabler with head in the sand) and she was very interested that child services had been there. i figured her out today... she is impressed by people with credentials.... thats why she defers to my father even though he screwed her so bad.. the fact that this worker with 'credentials' was out there has her quite interested.

she mentioned she had seen d. recently and she had told her some about her 'alter egos' and being harassed by older boys. she as usual was clueless and has no idea any of this might be abnormal.....

but she mentioned a friend who knows me too, who works with 'at risk kids' and  I'm trying to figure out how to get her to impress upon my mother that all this stuff is far from normal and actually signs of dissociation and a bunch of other stuff... my mom trusts her and might listen to this lady if i could show her whats going on.

sooo what this is all going towards is that, it feels like some type of critical mass is finally approaching....

they are -definitely- 'running scared' on some level. it is absolutely fascinating to watch..

he may be sans pitie but he is -not- sans cowardice......

i have an emamil of my mother telling me that when she was in therapy with my father, the therapist told her bruce was 'not a good candidate for therapy' becuase he was likely to 'tell the therapist whatever he wanted to hear' and 'still cling to his maladaptive ways' that sure sounds like a dx of N to me. the little beads are piling up on my side, dammit!@!!!!!!!

[mum]

Hey,Anna. Someone told me a joke, once, and your post reminded me of it:
Question:
"what's the difference between surgeon and God?"
Answer:
"God doesn't think he's a surgeon".

I too, have felt that things were starting to shift.  Keep with that feeling...it creates more and more good things.  Save that email (like I have to tell you that, right?)  

Happy you have plane tickets in hand.  Did you get the right amount of time with her?  So glad the wind is changing.....the answer is blowing there (thanks Bob Dylan)....

[d's mom]

Question:
"what's the difference between surgeon and God?"
Answer:
"God doesn't think he's a surgeon".{/quote]

love that one!

I too, have felt that things were starting to shift.  Keep with that feeling...it creates more and more good things.  Save that email (like I have to tell you that, right?)  

Happy you have plane tickets in hand.  Did you get the right amount of time with her?  So glad the wind is changing.....the answer is blowing there (thanks Bob Dylan)....

past three nights,  dreamed about plants.. lots and lots of sprouts, seedlings, gardens, starting to sprout, grow, bear fruit............. they gave us two weeks this summer. longest visit yet.  

all these tiny miniscule imperceptible efforts... patience.... waiting... brick after brick after brick in the wall.... waves after waves wearing away the stone.  good thing we are the type that keeps faithe hm.? build build build build. :}  little ant moving the rubber tree plant.

its good to remember hm that things happen where you cant see them... plants are growing but a lot of it is roots, underground.....  then one day.... you are picking vegetables or tulips or basil..... ps my favorite song ever is bob dylan 'tangled up in blue'.

stay cool mum!

[Anonymous]

Hey all:

Hi Anna:

So glad to hear "the times they are a-changin'".     Little by little, things will continue to get better.  That's my great hope for you and your daughter.
Your garden will be growing lot's of good things, especially during your 2 weeks with your daughter this summer.

Still keeping you and she in my prayers.

GFN