falling apart

[Anonymous]

This may be a suicide note.

I don't see the point in going on any more.  Everyone has deserted me--husband, mother, therapist, sisters.  I don't have any friends.  I am extremely unattractive, and at 41, I doubt this will change.  I know that I'll always be alone, and I'm not sure I'm up to it.

I suppose the end comes when we accept that nothing will ever be different.  I couldn't have children, so I can't stay here for them.  My husband would be better off without me.  He would grieve, but then he would find someone and settle down and have a family.  How do I know this?  He has told me so.  Nor do I have any religious faith to stop me.

Be kind to each other.  Thanks for the help you have given me.

[bunny as guest]

Don't hurt yourself. Please email Richard Grossman, call a suicide hotline, keep posting here. But don't do it. I know you feel there is no hope but we can hold the hope for you right now. You don't have to feel it. Just don't hurt yourself, please.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry I posted this.  I tried to delete it but could not.

[Anonymous]

You can only delete a post if you signed in. Anyway, keep posting even if it's just to say anything.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Guest,
There are people here who will be your friends, unconditionally.
There are also a lot of people here who have felt exactly what you are feeling right now, including me.
Maybe if you talked to some of us who have been through it too, you would see things differently.
Maybe there is hope from some place that you haven't thought of. Like bunny said perhaps a hotline, or Dr. Grossman. Just tell us more here and let us listen to you.

mudpuppy

[vunil as guest]

Don't be sorry you posted!  Please keep communicating!

Please tell us that you will keep talking, and keep trying.  I agree with Mudpup-- we have all felt this way.  I promise.  It is not inevitable that you will always feel this way-- in fact, it is inevitable that you will feel better.

Please do not hurt yourself, please call someone, get out of the house, go for a walk, anything.

[Stormchild]

Guest, we need you here. Please don't leave us. We want to share your sorrows and help you find a way through to joy, as one of us, as we all share sorrow and joy here together.

Please keep posting, please don't give up. I've been suicidal too, and near death more than once from other causes, and I'm so glad I'm still here... I promise you'll feel the same way. Hang in there. Don't leave us.

[mum]

"I suppose the end comes when we accept that nothing will ever be different"

NO!!! The beginning comes when we accept that anything is possible....and everything could be different if we accept that it can be.

PLEASE don't lose hope. This planet is a lovely place....darkness is JUST before dawn.....I think everyone here believes this to be true, having seen it ourselves....or at least glimmers of the light.  It's there.  

Talk to someone, keep posting.   Don't give up.

Sending you light and love.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Guest,

Many people on this board have experienced suicidal despair--and they know that help is available.  Their suggestions are good:  visit your local emergency room or call a suicide hotline.

And of course you can e-mail me at ragrossman@voicelessness.com.

We all care,

Richard

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all of your kind thoughts.

I have spent my entire life believing that some day things will be better.  I don't anymore.  I'm sorry, everybody.  I just don't know if I can live in a space this small.  And there is so little reason for me to stay.

I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons.  We fell into each other's arms out of mutual fear that no one else would have us.  We got married out of relief.

He does not hear me.  If I try to speak, he explodes and then denies his own words.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I'm starting to feel not just alone but insane.  Do I hallucinate what he says?

I guess there has to be a breaking point.  I told my therapist that I felt like he (the therapist) didn't listen to me, that he was so busy defending his image of himself as a compassionate person that he wasn't actually, you know, compassionate.  It was like talking to my husband.  He said, "I didn't hear you asking me to listen."  And five minutes later he denied having said that.  Then he started saying, "Tell me when.  Tell me exactly when I didn't listen to you."  I felt cornered and trapped.  I just stopped talking and waited until I could leave.  He didn't say, "Tell me how you felt when you perceived that I wasn't listening to you" or something like that.  He could have said a lot of things without turning into my husband.  But he didn't.

And now I feel like I can't even buy someone who'll listen to me.  I have a long history of being invisible in my family.  I don't want anybody to look at me, so I walk with my eyes on the ground.  But 41 years is a long time to do that.  I know that no one--not the man I married, not the person whose job it is to help me, not the people I'm related to--will hear me.  And I don't know how to cope 20 or 30 years of knowing that.

We sign living wills saying that we don't want extraordinary measures used to keep us alive if there's no chance of recovery.  I wonder if this isn't much the same thing.

Anyway, thank you all.  As I said, it was wrong of me to post here.  You were all very kind.

[longtire]

Guest, I just want to add my voice.  At one point in my life I too felt like the pain was too much and there was nothing I could do to change it.  I made a choice to keep trying and my life has been better every single day since then.  Keep posting here.  If you have read other posts then you know there are many deeply loving, supportive, insightful and wonderful people here.  You are welcome here.

[Brigid]

Guest,
It is not wrong of you to post here.  It is a cry for help and we are hearing it and responding to it.  You do have so much to live for even though you are not seeing it right now.  Please call someone or a suicide hotline and seek the help and support you need right now.  I have felt the pain you are feeling, but I got through it and am now so glad to wake up each day.  We really do care about you.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

I have one more things to say.

I want someone to hear me that I am sad about not having children.  I've tried to talk to my mother,  my sisters, my therapist.  I want somebody to tell me that I didn't commit any unpardonable sin, that it wasn't my fault, that I'm absolved.  I want my husband to take his eyes off the television long enough to talk about at least this.

As my childbearing years draw to a close, I am forced to confront this.  I feel like a defective freak.  So many of the things that make women women just never happend to me.  My mother used to cry because it was so hard to be my mother.  I've spent my whole life apologizing for being alive.

I can't apologize any more.  I'm out of apologies.

[Brigid]

Guest,
You are not beyond the point of being able to have children.  Even if you can't give birth to a child, there are so many children in need of loving homes just waiting to be adopted.  I adopted my daughter when I was 38 and she is such a joy and a blessing.  She is now 16 and I can't imagine my life without her.  Please consider the love you have to give to a child and make that your reason to live.

Brigid

[bunny]

Guest,

I had a therapist who wouldn't listen to me either. She kept talking about herself. I pointed it out to her and she kept doing it. In fact she got worse. I even emailed some therapist on the internet to ask him for advice (not Dr. Grossman). I received no reply and felt like an idiot. I was scared to leave this therapist because she'd get angry with me. Plus I was dependent on her. Bottom line, I finally left her because I needed help and she wasn't giving it. I'm now seeing someone who is helping me. There are other therapists out there.

I am 47 and have no children. Okay, I didn't try to have them but there is still a feeling of loss and emptiness. I'm still going to keep living because there are other children for me to love.

Your husband sounds scared to death and it's not about you!!!

keep posting,
bunny