Mother's Day

[Anonymous]

Mudpup:

That is very sad.  Sending your cards back unopened.  What a message for you.  This just about says it all with regard to Ns.  No matter what you send their way, you will get nothing back.  

Give your MIL and wife all the love that you have Mudpup on Mother's Day.

Patz

[Bliz]

I think I read here from others that picking out  a MOther's Day card was difficult.  I often stand at the card area, reading through the verses trying to pick one that will work for me.  In retrospect my childhood may have been similar to Bunny and Butterfly.  Mom had no clue how to raise a family or what a family was supposed to be like.  She was raised in an orphanage.  

I think now her intentions were good, but often it was about control and Dad was no help being gone physically or emoitonally much of the time.   Mom wanted that perfect, "Donna Reed" family and she didnt know it was only a fantasy.  She often took her frustrations out on us and particularly me through anger, control, the silent treatment etc.

I felt responsible for her feelings as well as everyone else's.  WHen I reached puberty it got worse.  Then I had my own problems and things got ever more dysfunctional. It took me years to bail my way out and Mom got therapy.  Still I cant chose those really mushy cards because the sentiment just doesnt fit.  I usually look for the one wishing her happiness that day and always, becuase that is my wish.  

In many ways I do feel fortunate because Mom got better. She still lapses sometimes and I can still be a family lightening rod but I feel our relationshp has mended mostly and much improved over my youth.  I mailed her card yesterday.

I realize also now, that holdiays are very diffiuclt for her becaues of her upbringing in the orphanage. That must have been terrible watching others enjoy the holidays when you had little family of your own.  Her mother was still alive but often absent or off doing her own thing.  Mom and her sister were also  rejected by their grandmother.They must have felt terribly discarded.  

Mom took control of her own life and happiness when she was in her 40's or so.  She has carved out a fulfilling life for herself and it has improved relationships with everyone.

[Greta]

This year I sent my mother a card, but I used a blank one, not a Mother's Day Card.  In the past, I've gotten stuck in front of the cards, trying to find one that isn't full of the "you were such a wonderful mother" crap, and in the process making myself feel sick.  It's not worth the cost of my emotional energy to find a card I can send in good conscience--I used to open every single one looking for one that just said "Happy Mother's Day"--but this year I realized that a blank card would do just as well and save me the pain of reading the sappy cards.  I used to feel like a bad daughter, and I still get a twinge of it with everyone asking where I am taking my mother on Sunday(I'm not taking her anywhere!), but the fact that  I send a card at all is more than good enough--it keeps guilt from eating at me--intellectually I know her nparents were even worse than mine.  But the card is all I do--I need to take care myself. Sometimes I think I need to start my own card company for people whose parents are narcissicists!  

Greta

[Guest1]

Mother's Day - how laughingly ironic.........  I also have the card dilemma and it takes forever to pick one that means something TO ME i.e. a 'hidden' but subtle message regarding my thoughts of her as a mother.  She is old and feeble now but has not spoken to me since Christmas.  I'm not feeling bad or missing her one bit.  In fact, I'm glad.

To the poster with the idea about the N Mother's Day card company - try to get 'Hallmark' to start a special day for those abused and trampled upon by those that should have loved, cherished, nourished and adored them.

[Anonymous]

Greta,

Sometimes I think I need to start my own card company for people whose parents are narcissicists!

I think you have a great idea for an N card company already. Just make all the cards blank, front and inside and leave them that way.
They're just going to see what they want in any card they get anyway so they can fill in the blanks for themselves.
And if you don't sign it they can even imagine it was from somebody really important and special like them, rather than someone who's such a bother, like their own kid.

Sorry your mom is such a doofus.
(((((Greta)))))
(((((Guest1)))))too.

mudpup

[d'smom]

i have not sent my mother a mothers day card since i was in grade school.... shes certainly never sent me any cards.. recently she sent me a birthday card, maybe the second one shes sent me since i was a little girl.

shes so in denial and blames me, and i dont feel like celebrating that. i see her as a wimp and a failure who didnt even have good intentions. underneath she could have been a really good mother but she let it all get taken away from her and didnt even stand up for herslef.

im thinking about sending her something this year. but, i wont lie. id rather send nothign than lie. so - im thinking of giving her the gift of the truth :}  namely - trying again to tell her how i feel, and what my truth is about how things were for us growing up.

not sure how well that will go over. as long as she is in denial and denying my reality, there really isnt any point for me to celebrate what a great mother she is, since if she cannot honor my reality, she is not being a mother in my eyes. providing food was not enough. a robot could have done that. plus she used to tell me constatnly 'good intentions arent worth shit'. so i gues i will hold her to the same standard.

probly people will think this isnt a great plan. its just a thought though :} id like to send her  something this year, but i dont do hypocrisy very well..... it would be the first card ive sent her in 20 something years.
d'smom

[BG]

Hi all -

Here's a classic N variation on this thread...in the mail today I got a Mothers Day card from my N-mother!  The day I was born fell on Mothers Day those many years ago, but the two dates only correspond on the calendar every 7 years or so (like the plagues of cicadas).  This is not one of those years.  Yet inside the card, where it refers to Mothers Day, my N-mother has put in parentheses 'your birthday'.  The cover of the card waxes on the wonders of a mothers love (yada yada yada), and the card itself is a Catholic mass card...a la, a mothers day mass will be said in your honor, etc, which evokes the overt religiousity common to many N.

Back to the real topic: I was very ambivalent in sending my N-mother a card this year, and would have gone with a basic handwritten message in a blank-note-card-with-nice-picture-on-front had my wife not suggested getting chocolates or something.  I ruled that out, but she went with my 2 young daughters and picked out a birthday card and mothers day card (her birthday is also 2nd week in May), and both girls scrawled their greetings to Grandma on both, and my wife and I signed our names.  It felt okay, not great, but not resentful either...the kids got a semi-abstract connection to their grandmother, and I didn't have to endure the hypocrisy of the Hallmark sentimentality aisle.

BG

[Stormchild]

To the poster with the idea about the N Mother's Day card company - try to get 'Hallmark' to start a special day for those abused and trampled upon by those that should have loved, cherished, nourished and adored them.

Let's start our own. We can call it "Hellmark".

Sample verse:

"To Mother, on your special day:
I'm glad that you are far away;
And just because you're such a pill,
I wish that you were farther still."

Remember - it's the thought that counts    

[d'smom]

Let's start our own. We can call it "Hellmark".

Sample verse:

"To Mother, on your special day:
I'm glad that you are far away;
And just because you're such a pill,
I wish that you were farther still."

Remember - it's the thought that counts    

oh my God you just won the pulitzer in my eyes. im humbly in awe of your brilliance  

[dogbit]

That's pretty funny, Stormy...Bittles

[Anonymous]

OK Stormy,

Is that copyrighted or public domain?

I may just send my mom a card after all.    

mud

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hey, it's posted, it's public. Feel free  

[astrofemme]

OHMIGOSH!  ROFLOL!  Stormchild!  You are quite the poet!  I think you are really on to something with the Hellmark idea, too.  I know many people who would shop for their cards from Hellmark.

Mudpuppy, instead of a blank cover, how about one of those little pieces of reflective paper?  Inside you could just say something like "here's the gift that keeps on giving" or "it's time you gave to yourself what you've given to others" and as my Nmom likes to say, "Enjoy!"

And BG, that thing about having a mass said and getting the mother's day card for your birthday--that's creepy.  Kind of like something my exMIL would do.  She would call my ex N on his bday and talk about the agony she was going through on that day so many years ago.  She would send the cards with the masses that were going to be said for his birthday when she was mad at him.  Kinda why I always felt sorry for the ex N and excused his behavior a lot.  I didn't know N's did things like that.  I still have a lot to learn.

[Anonymous]

Stormy,

[cat]

Oh. . . . I absolutely detest this Hallmark Holiday. . . Not married - no kids - and I'm getting all these wonderful pious platitudes being sent by well meaning friends to alias's about the wonderfulness of mothers.

Sigh - it's gonna be a looooong weekend.