chutzbagirl, I'm sorry that you feel so depleted right now. I've been in a very similar relationship with my wife, also for 17 years.
The main point of the story is my husband blamed me for my daughter's frustration. Hello, it was Mother's Day, isn't he supposed to give a little? He claims I want the moon when all I really wanted is for him to talk to the kids, coordinate plans and expectations, and have a pleasant day. I'm tired of being accused of wanting or expecting too much when all I really want is some thoughtfulness and value.
That actually MAY be too much for him to do, right now or maybe ever. Not that there is anything wrong with you wanting and even expecting that in a spouse. He may be ignorant of how to do that, he may not care enough to do that, he may be too heavily defended to change. I agree with others here that the only possible way to know is to give joint therapy a try.
This is the story of my life since I was raised by N's. I don't know how much longer I can go on in this hamster wheel. I work and do my best to give and forgive and be the woman I believe God wants me to be, and my tank is still empty. I planned a pedicure for myself so I wouldn't be too disappointed, but the day was still horrible. His scarcasm, accusations and total lack of ability to take ownership scares me. By the afternoon I fell into ugly behavior myself. 
It's just too familiar.
What do you need to do to take care of yourself and get your needs met? Maybe give less in situations where you don't get enough in return? That isn't being selfish, that's taking care of yourself. Set boundaries with your H so that sarcasm and unrealistic comments are not allowed around you? What he says is about him, not you. Unfortunately that doesn't always keep it from hurting, not so much from the comment, but that he didn't care enough to NOT make the nasty comment in the first place.
I feel despair today. I really don't know if I can continue in this marriage. I would love to know how it feels to be in a relationship where people give and take on a more equal basis. I don't think my H is a N; but he sure is incapable of consideration and thoughtfulness. He's highly critical and scarcastic and lacks the ability to encourage or be intimate on a regular basis. Every now and then I get a little intimacy - but it is not enough; I'm scraping bottom. I don't think my heart can take it anymore.
I'm sure that your H IS capable of consideration and thoughtfulness. He chooses not to for some reason. Like most of us, I expect he is simply trying to take care of himself, but it doesn't sound like he does it in a healthy way. He may even be using the verbal abuse to keep you far enough away for him to feel safe with the distance. I believe this is the case in my marriage. I suspect the minimal intimacy is either to meet his needs when it does actually feel safe enough for him, or to give just enough to keep you on the hook.
I felt so sad for my kids yesterday. They wanted me to have a good day - but I just couldn't fake it. I look at them and it tears my heart out to think of divorce. I don't want to hurt them. I want to give them a firm foundation. But, this marriage is so painful for me. I'm really confused. Then I wonder how much of this pain is still from my past and how much of it is me? The problem is, I believe I've been carrying his responsiblity far too long - we've been married almost 17 years. The problems haven't changed or gotten better. In fact, now that I've been in recovery for a while, his behavior is starting to hurt more.
I really resonate with your last statement. The more aware of the good possibilities we are, the more painful putting up with unhealthy situations is for us. That the problems have not only not improved, but not even changed over this time is telling to me. There are powerful reasons for things to remain as they are, unchanged despite the passage of time. I think it will take even more powerful reasons to change this dynamic. If you can't even fake being OK anymore despite wanting to, you are very depleted. Don't beat yourself up about it. Do what you need to do to get your very important needs met.
I've worked really hard at my recovery and spiritual growth. I've made some tough decisions to seperate from harmful family members. I've tried to let what he is able to give me be enough; but unless he is able to begin taking ownership and practicing consideration - I may have to leave.
I struggle with this marriage far more than I let on. He hit a bottom a few months ago due to some health issues that scared the crap out of him. Since his health issues have been somewhat resolved, he's hardened back up.
chutzbagirl, this sounds very co-dependent to me. (Believe me, I know, I am very coey!) You seem to be giving him responsibility for fixing the situation for you. If he does x then you will be OK. What if he never chooses to do x, will you choose to never be OK? You are responsible for your life, regardless of what your H does or doesn't do. Take back your power and your responsibility and you will feel much more hopeful and capable. Excercising that responsbility for yourself is difficult and even unpleasant at times, but the rewards of confidence and OK'ness are irreplaceable.
I know the impact of divorce on children - mine are 7 and 10. I strongly disagree with divorce. I want nothing more than a healthy family. But what do I do when I am blamed for his selfishness and lack of love? I could cite many examples, but I don't want to bore you to tears. One of us being in tears is enough - don't you think? 
Suffice it to say that my T, who sees both of us seperately, confirms that I have never known what it is like to receive emotional support from the significant people in my life - spouse included. 
You know the effect of divorce on your children. Are you considering the effect of mom not being able to even fake being happy anymore on them? As other wise ones here have written, sometimes its a choice between the lesser of two evils. I don't advocate either leaving or staying, only doing what you need to do to love, nurture and care for yourself. I suspect that an important part of that for you is getting emotional support from other people. Getting it from your H would be ideal, but he may not be able to do that for you either on your timeline or ever.
chatzbagirl, I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh. Believe me, I want to help. You will do what you need to do when you are ready for it, just like all of us. I pray that time is soon so you can begin to feel happy again and smile genuinely. (((((((((chutzbagirl)))))))
