feeling confused and a bit used

[mum]

Can I just complain?  I can't tell anyone this stuff....(but you all)

I just spent a LOT of money and time helping my daughter buy fabric and other things to make her father a really complicated floor pillow for father's day. (she has a great eye for design).....but  I mean a LOT of money.
She was a little surprised and embarassed at how much it cost, but I felt we had already committed....  Now I will spend most if not all of this evening helping her make it, as she goes to dad's tomorrow.
She said thank you a LOT and I said, (probably not necessary so I feel bad about this) "I'm not doing this for your dad, I'm doing this for you."  She said "I know".

My son has not asked me to help him to do anything in particular, will probably burn a cd for him....but probably wouldn't ask me to help him get anything anyway. (sorry to be agist/sexist....but he's a teenage boy).

For mother's day, my kids had just come back from dad's and they had nothing for me....they were so embarassed and sad.  I know why, as dad would say no...so why ask?  Granted, they are old enough to have figured something out....so they ended up cleaning my house (with a little of my help) without any grumbling.  I was happy.  I also spent the day consoling my "broken hearted by a boy" daughter...and that made me feel like a real mom.  Perfect mother's day, really, and no money spent.  I loved it.

So what's going on? Why am pissed off?  Because I couldn't say to my child: your dad's a bastard and I'm not spending a dime on him?
To add to it,, my attorney had  just called to tell me my ex refuses to pay anything extra at all for the psychologist who is court ordered (I at least won that in court) to speak on behalf of the children.  Big surprise...judge ordered I should pay since I want them to have a voice, and the ex opposed it.    Wuss judge.  Anyway, there was some additional testing money involved, and we asked him to pay half.  Flatly refused.  Big surprise.
I'm in debt a year's pay already....so what's another $2100 for my children getting to speak, right?  (since it's all relative, it may help to know that I am a teacher.  In a low paying state)

Anyway....to add to the low feeling, my daughter said she feels better now than she ever has at her dad's house.  Oh, BIG SURPRISE. She is going in to talk to someone, finally (she has been asking for this since last OCTOBER!!!...long legal story mess) so of course, he's turning on the charm and she suddenly thinks it's a better feeling over there. (I wonder if it will last?!)
I asked her if she thought all of this then (psychologist appt, legal battle over parenting time) was a waste, then.  She said, "Well isn't it too late?"I said "Not at all, we can stop this anytime.  If you want to bag it and just go with what dad wants, fine with me." She said, "No, I still think its' worth it."
Now, I don't feel as though I can "dig" at all, or continue the conversation, I just have to TRUST in my children, in this guy who will talk with them (and do psych testing as part of it) and have FAITH that everything will be fine.

So WHY, am I (miss "happiness and light") so freakin BLUE????

I can't go down the spiral of what ifs......I mean I can, but I know what it will do to me.

Any one have a succint positive slap in the face to give me?  I'd appreciate it.

[mum]

Just gave myself a slap in the face after reading my own negative and boring lament.  Apologies for dumping my misery on you all.... it's not that bad and I don't like the sound of my own post. Thanks if you did get through it.

[Anonymous]

Hi mum,

You have EVERY RIGHT to feel kind of bummed out and demoralized by a few things, like: (a) the massive double-standard of mothers and fathers day; (b) your daughter pulling some crap after all the sacrifices you've made; (c) you feel helpless like you have no further right to talk to your daughter (this part confuses me).

I think that the pillow was a mistake but hey, we all make mistakes. Live and learn. Next year you can decide on a budget for Dad (probably 5 cents) and you'll stick to it. Forgive yourself for this error, it's only one father's day.

Your daughter is going to say a bunch of stuff, much of which should be blown off with an, "Oh that's nice" and realize she has no clue what she is saying, or the import of it.

I wouldn't have faith in your children and the therapist. I'd feel totally free to ask, probe, intrude, etc. You're the mom, you get to do that. They don't have to like it.

I hope this wasn't too bossy but I think you are okay and mainly this is about that stupid pillow (imo).

((((( Mum )))))

bunny

[lynne]

Hi mum,

I'm sorry things are so hard for you now.  Your kids are really lucky to have such a great mom.  This sounds like a really difficult time for you, but you are doing right by your children and as adults they will remember.  Let me give an example:

When I was a teenager I was unable to live with my parents due to difficult circumstances in my home.  My Grandmother took me in, and I hadn't been in her house a week before I found out my mother had given my beloved dog away.  My grandmother promptly got me a little pomeranian, a dog that I grew to love as well.  It wasn't until many years later that I understood the sacrifice she made.  You see, my Grandmother didn't like dogs, she would never mistreat them, but she preferred they not be in her house.   She supported me for 5 years on her retirement with no financial help from my parents.   As a young person I wasn't aware of how much she was sacrificing, but these days I am very aware. Her love for me back then has gotten me through other very difficult times in my life where I didn't feel loved by anyone.

You are doing the same thing my Grandmother did.  You are acting in your childrens best interest even when it is painful and hard to do so, and they will remember in years to come.  As adults, they will also remember how their father acted, and I think they probably are aware of his games now, but if they aren't, they will become aware as adults.  You won't have to say a word, they'll figure it out themselves.

My grandmother is now 93 and living at my parents house.  I visit her 3 times a week, and we've been listening to "The Sound of Music" for over a month now.  It's her favorite movie.  Today I have another little pomeranian.  Everytime I'm down I pick up my little pom and remember.  That was one of the greatest gifts she gave me.  

Hang on Mum, your day is coming.  The seeds you are sowing now will reap a great harvest for you.  (((((mum))))

[daylily]

Mum,

There's no icon for succinct positive slap in the face, but consider it given.  However, I don't think you deserve it.  I think your concerns are well-founded, and it's completely understandable that you'd feel a little used (while telling yourself you haven't been, really) and a little anxious (while telling yourself it will be all right in the end).

Your kids sound terrific, by the way, and that is both a blessing and an achievement.  I also think you should pat yourself on the back for helping your daughter produce a creative, unusual gift that she will be proud to give.  That's the stuff of which lasting relationships and very positive memories are made, but I'm sure you know that.

I hope you can spend Father's Day doing something nice for yourself.

best,
daylily

[phillip]

MUM-Your children need both of you, not the politics.  It ain't easy, especially with the drama that seems to spill into the red at times.  I agree.  They will remember, as adults, who sacrificed to keep their lives somewhat stable and cohesive.  It just plain ain't easy.  When he screws with your head, find your center.  Sometimes it's all we have.  Peace hon.

[mum]

Wow, thanks to you all...it was so kind of you to reply....it's nice to be able to get of kilter sometimes and know it's not lethal.
I realized one mistake I did make is thinking I couldn't talk about this with anyone.  I can.  I called my fiance and although he sometimes (warns me first) tells me things I am afraid to hear, I can really tell him anything.

And Bunny, this will crack you up...he told me almost exactly what you did.  He also told me how much he appreciated my listening to what he had to say, even though it might not have been what I wanted to hear.
He is such a great guy.

Anyway, before talking to him (he is far away and wasn't available...which is probably good for me) I processed this crap.  I agree with all of you, and him.....I have reason to be pissed, but it's about the damn pillow....and if I hadn't spent so much money on the materials when a**h*** is currently bleeding me dry financially, all would be fine.  Like Bunny and my fiance both said.....so next year, the budget is entirely the kids' affair, and my contribution is about a nickle!!! (love it). And it's not just budget. Truth is, I don't want to spend 5 seconds on the guy, even if it is "for my kids".  Next year, they can figure it all out. No harm in them knowing that I don't care for the guy (like they don't know this already!!!)Now I get to let it go.  Lesson learned.

I do also understand that in the really really big picture....like when my kids are 30, they will understand this.  Right now, however, I am expecting way too much for them to process this like an adult would.  My daughter feels bad about the price, but she is so happy to be working on something like this with me....I know it would be wrong to ruin that for her (and me) by being bummed about it still.  

I worked on the project tonight (a little) with her and she learned a lot and talked a lot.  I said "screw it" to my own moratorium on talking to my her on the subject and asked some leading questions and got lots of sharing from my daughter about her feelings on the whole visitation thing.  I feel now, like I gave myself a present....as spending one on one time with an almost 13 year old is pretty rare!!!!  It was great, and she is still so appreciative (another thing it's hard to get a 13 year old to express readily and repeatedly).

Bunny, the "not being able to talk to my kids" comes directly from legal paranoia: I am very aware that my ex's attorney has accused other mothers of diliberately alienting and manipulating thier children against a father.  She has accused me of this in various ways in the last two years, probably to scare me (she is a shark).  I am very careful not to push my kids partly because of that and also, because I want them not to be so concerned with MY needs.  Although my fiance says ("even putting aside how much I hate the guy") that I need to just be the mother and forget about what he may accuse me of ("you can rest assured he is manipulating them regularly").....I sometimes think that because my ex puts the kids squarely in the middle of the battleground, I should try not to.  They need one parent who is not screwing them around.
Whether keeping the battles out of thier lap, in the long run, is best for them or not....remains to be seen.  

See? just trying to figure this out hurts my head!  So there is where the faith and trust comes in.  I set something in motion and I need to have faith that things will fall out as they should.  I know my kids need a voice. This is the way they got one.  I hope it works for them.  And that's all I can do at the moment.  So why not be hopeful?

Any way, Bunny, Lynne, Daylily and Phillip: thanks for your friendship.  Lynne, I am glad you see me like your grandmother.  That feels good.

[Portia]

Dear Mum, asking leading questions and allowing your daughter to speak about her feelings is not, repeat not, screwing with her head okay? It's giving her a voice, it's letting her know that you care for goodness sake, it's being interested in her....and you feel like you gave yourself a present?

This is like us asking if we're narcissistic by talking here. Guilt! Doubt! Put them in the garbage.

We're soooooo uptight about doing anything 'wrong' or 'bad' (screwing with their heads) that we end up screwing with our own heads about what's okay and not okay.

Talking to your daughter and asking her how she feels is normal, helpful, healthy, really good news....more of it!   You're okay.

[Resolution]

'Mums' the word    Life has it's peak's and trough's, but when it comes to the divorce courts.......one tends to feel like a chicken being processed into chicken Mcnuggets at the local meat shed!

Divorce is a pain....for everyone.....including you. Few are left smiling after it's all over and many are left saddened in some shape, form or fashion.....as most of us know. It's a process, don't worry about the individual bad bits so much......it won't don you any good if you do.

Picture this: You're on a sailing boat....a 50ft sailing boat. You're captain and you're navigating you're boat, along with your crew (two kiddies) thru some narrow, treacherous and shallow waters. One mistake and you could hit that reef over there or ground the boat on that sand bank of here...you've got to have your witts about you.....and you can't be overly sensitive....not now anyway....maybe later!

Two hours later and you're past those dangerous waters and have moved into the deep blue....you can relax, lay back and soak up the sun a little. You're not going to run aground, you're not going to sink and drown. Still you could get hit by a huge wave....or run into a hurricane.......but the immediate danger has passed. So many things could have gone wrong....but you guided the boat thru and made it to the other side.

Life is full of troubled waters.....without them, things would be a lot more boring! With them, comes testing times.....but that's when a characture shines thru and show's to us who we really are    

Don't put so much shit at your own door. Plenty others will do that for you if you let them! So why are you doing it for them   , be smart!

[Stormchild]

Hey Mum

I love Resolution's metaphor of the sailboat journey. It's perfect. Life isn't, always. Far better to see what is, the way it is, and deal with it as best you can, which is exactly what you are doing. Brava! And past the shoals, and out into the calm blue waters again.

I didn't see anything inappropriate in your first post, except that you were taking far too much responsibility onto yourself... and then making yourself responsible for the universe being imperfect, on top of everything else. It is, luv. We are too. All we can do is our best. Which you do, 28/8

Sorry I came in late on this, but I sure am glad you are feeling so much better and got so much good into the situation. Yea mum!

[October]

I just spent a LOT of money and time helping my daughter buy fabric and other things to make her father a really complicated floor pillow for father's day. (she has a great eye for design).....but  I mean a LOT of money.
She was a little surprised and embarassed at how much it cost, but I felt we had already committed....  Now I will spend most if not all of this evening helping her make it, as she goes to dad's tomorrow.
She said thank you a LOT and I said, (probably not necessary so I feel bad about this) "I'm not doing this for your dad, I'm doing this for you."  She said "I know".
...
Any one have a succint positive slap in the face to give me?  I'd appreciate it.

Reading this, I can see a parallel with myself and my daughter.  Her dad's birthday, Christmas and Father's Day.  Really difficult.  I would rather not spend anything at all on the selfish b.  However, C needs to do something for him, and if she makes it herself, that is such a good idea, and of course she would need help.  It is amazing how making things ourselves costs sooooo much sometimes, though.  I can understand that one.  

However, I think what we are doing for our children is giving them happy memories to look back on, kind of like a firm foundation for their adult years.  I have few such memories, which is why I keep crumbing to the floor every time I try to build my life back up again.  It has to be built from the ground up, and I feel like mine is made of cards.  On the other hand, when I see how strong my daughter can be, I am soo proud of the foundation she has.  She knows who she is.  

You are doing the right thing with this cushion and your daughter, I am sure.  The cost is a problem, and as others say, maybe another time that can be sorted another way, but the memory which will remain, not just in the far future, but next week and next year, will be of the two of you working together, because her love for her dad was more important to you than your - whatever the word might be.  That is a very important thing for her to know.

Whenever I think of my debts, which are inevitable after 5 years without a job, I just think, some people owe ten times what I do, and have a job as well.  I try to carry on walking that tightrope, without looking down.  Very difficult, sometimes, but it has to be done.  

As for the positive slap in the face - I think that is called a kiss.  
xxx

[Brigid]

Hey Mum,
Sorry, I'm coming in late here, too, but thought I throw in my mother of teenagers 2 cents.  I totally get your being angry about spending the money on the pillow.  It would piss me off too, but its water under the bridge now, right?  Sounds like you have let it go.  Good.   I just hope that, for your daughter's sake, the jerk actually appreciates what she did for him.  Seems hard to imagine that he would.

We have to question our children about their feelings.  That is not bashing the x-jerk, just making sure they're OK and getting the stuff out that may be bottling up inside--or at least making them feel safe about doing that.  My daughter shares very little, but I keep trying and occasionally something will break loose and we can talk about it.  I worry that she keeps so much inside that she is afraid to talk about for fear of hurting someone's feelings or making someone angry.  It is such a delicate balance.

I'm keeping you in my prayers that this whole court process with the psychologist goes well for you and the kids.  You deserve that.

(((((((mum))))))))))))

Brigid

[miaxo]

Hi Mum

Sorry, I'm late on this one too.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling.

The last time I did something thoughtful for X N on Father's Day was two years ago when I bought two of those handprint kits and helped the kids make them into little stepping stones for their Father's garden.  Of course my husband thought I was nuts for doing it but like you I felt I was doing it for the kids.  

Shortly after that X N went on one of his legal tirades.  Since then he gets whatever the children happen to make at school for Father's Day.  There is no way in hell that I am going to contribute a stinkin' penny towards this monster anymore.  This is so against my character to be stingy but so be it in this case. Same goes for Christmas.

I feel that X N has drained me enough financially and emotionally and that from here on out EVERY penny counts.  I know some may view this as petty but I don't care especially since X N had a habit of announcing (during our marriage) that every Christmas holiday was going to be a frugal one.  This from a man who was making a 6 figure salary at the time (plus a couple of 10 G bonuses).  Anyway, I digress.  

With all that being said I would never send the kids empty handed to their Dad on Father's Day or Christmas since it would only make them feel like crap.  That's why it is vital to know the trash schedule so the kids can "trash pick" their gifts.  

Seriously though, as long as the kids have a card to give Dear old Dad that is more than enough especially when they are younger and aren't holding down PT jobs, etc.

Hang in there Mum.  You are a good Mom and your kids know that and always will.  

Mia

[miaxo]

Oh yeah, I wanted to comment on the PAS thing.  It's scary and I know where you are coming from.  My X N hasn't attempted to use this.....YET.  I'm sure it's in his bag of ammo though.

God bless.

[bunny as guest]

Mum,

I'm glad your fiance and I agree.    Here's how I would handle it next Father's day. Tell them that this Father's day is between them and him, and you are staying out of it. That you also want to be surprised by what they do for him, and you're looking forward to their creative efforts. Something like that. More unsolicited advice.

I would say a big F.U. to his attorney and not let that shark prevent me from being a mother. You will NEVER be considered a parental alienator. NEVER. Don't let them stifle your parenting. I'm so glad you talked to your daughter. She needs you to be available for that. I wish my mom had talked to me nicely when I was 13.

bunny