NEx in child's therapy??

[October]

I don't need to go into all the stuff with ex, I am sure.  You know the picture by now. 

C saw her therapist on Friday, and I sat outside for an hour as normal.  At the end of the session, they both came to the waiting room, and the t told me that she had discussed with C having her dad visit for one of the sessions, and how did I feel about that.

(Pretty sick, really, to be honest.  I didn't say so, but I am sure she could see I was not happy.)  I said it would be very difficult to achieve, as he lives so far away and is not well, but that if it was for Cs benefit then I would consider it, and try to work out whether it can be done.

I have now written to this t to ask why she wants ex there, and what benefits she hopes to achieve for C from doing this.  I am left confused; why is it that I sit outside every week, while ex gets to go in?  He has no ability whatever to consider Cs point of view, no recognition of her needs as a child, and imo there is no chance whatever of a miracle cure from this t, leading to him suddenly becoming the dad C wants him to be.

I am disappointed that the t discussed this with C, and offered it to her, before even mentioning it to me, which has therefore put me in a difficult position.  And am I expected to sit outside for this one as well, while he says what he likes about me?

Has anyone else any views on this, and in particular, any benefits for C to be gained from doing this?  An alternative is to have a telephone conversation with him.  Would that be just as good for her?  (Certainly for me it would.)

[bunny]

My view is that we have another stupid therapist. DO NOT DO ANYTHING until this therapist explains her actions to you.

bunny

[October]

My view is that we have another stupid therapist. DO NOT DO ANYTHING until this therapist explains her actions to you.

bunny

Thanks Bunny.  I was unsure whether to post the letter asking for clarification.  Now I am rather more sure that it is the right thing to do.  Many thanks.

xxx

[vunil]

I wouldn't assume the therapist wants him in there because she thinks he has something great to add or will be especially insightful, or anything positive like that.  It could be she finds that nothing your child says gets heard by him and she wants to see if there is any possibility or hope.  It could be she wants to observe because she is wondering if it would be better for him not to be around her, but she feels it would be premature to come to this conclusion without watching him.

In other words, I wouldn't take it as an insult or as leaving you out in some negative way.  It just strikes me as something else.  Yes, she should explain it to you.  She may be afraid that your relationship with the N ex is bad enough that if she tells you, you will use it against him in a spiteful way (oh, yeah, well even the therapist thinks so! kind of thing...).  But if so, she can tell you that.  A really good open conversation at this point is in order.

[October]

A really good open conversation at this point is in order.

Thanks, Vunil.  I agree with you.  I would have preferred the conversation before she offered this to my daughter, but we all make mistakes, I suppose.   

I will send the letter today, and see what happens.  Thanks. 

C told me something else this t said to her.  Talking about feelings, the t told her that I will be feeling pretty well the same kinds of things she is, 'only not as bad'.

Who made this into the Olympics??   

[vunil]

Well, that is strange.  Being a child therapist must be hard because you have to let the child know things that are hard to express-- you can't be super-subtle.  But the child hears the literal words, too.  It would have been better if she had said "I know you are really upset" and not "you are the most upset of all" even if the latter seemed more soothing or convincing to a child. 

Ah, well.  I hope it turns out ok!  I bet you learn a lot from the response to your letter.  One way or another...  Seems unfair that with everything you've been through you might have to find a new therapist, too.  Bleah.

[bunny]

C told me something else this t said to her.  Talking about feelings, the t told her that I will be feeling pretty well the same kinds of things she is, 'only not as bad'.

Good Lord. Where do they find these people??!!  Does this person have ANY credentials???

bunny

[October]

Good Lord. Where do they find these people??!!  Does this person have ANY credentials???

bunny

Well, the NHS seems to be churning them out by the bucketload.  Finally said goodbye to Diane today.  I said, whatever you do, don't say 'good luck', and she said, well, I was going to say that, actually.  So I said, well you needn't bother.  I used to pay Dr V £90 per hour and at the end of the session he would say good luck, and that really made me cross. 

I told her that she has lied to me, and let me down.  Even as recently as the last session when she said she would email with news of the next treatment.  She didn't.  I said if you fail to send an email after saying you will, that says as much as if you do.  She said I thought I would tell you when I saw you.  But that is not what she said she would do.  Is this really so difficult to understand???   

I told her that now she is fobbing me off onto someone else without any kind of planning or strategic rationale.  She said what do you mean by planning?  That one I didn't even bother to try to answer.  If she doesn't know what that means, then it is not my place to tell her.

What I have in prospect, you may be intrigued to hear, is group therapy in a nearby town, comprising 8 other souls.  Our common ground is; 'interpersonal problems'.  Excuse me while I swear.  Christ Almighty!!!  I told her that is hardly specific, is it?  You could put the whole of the population of the UK into that one.

Group therapy is not ideal for someone with social phobia.  Who looks after other people.  How do I even walk into the room?  How do I intrude into the existing group dynamics?  Who says this is right for me???

If for some reason I find that this is not appropriate for me (anyone want to put money on that one???) then I have to go back to see the psychiatrist at the local hospital (the one who told me 'not to bother' going to see him again 'unless I really wanted to', and tell him to sort something better for me.  For which there is no funding, so that would need to be resourced.  From God knows where.

This after being unwell in this God forsaken country since 1997, and unable to work for 5 years, with no money and no prospect of earning any.  With a family who don't give a damn, and friends who have given up long ago waiting for me to get a life. 

Please excuse me while I go into a steep downward spiral.  Doctors really make me ill.

(If Cs feelings really were worse than mine, I would be very worried indeed.  Fortunately, I know they are not.)

[October]

*******Beware.  Strong images*********

Tonight we have mostly ideation of murder of child sleeping next door in her room, followed by suicide.  And a great longing for peace.

Which is not going to happen, because I am containing it.  But it is so hard, and I am so alone.

So I just sent an email to Diane to tell her this, and to say how dare you leave without finding me the help I need.

Which willl not, I think, result in anything at all.  But at least I said it.  And now I will need to read for the rest of the night, so that I don't have to close my eyes and see those nasty pictures over and over. 

Abandonment is not a good thing. 

[Sela]

October:

I just popped in and read your post.  I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down.  Please remember that you are not alone.  God is with you, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I'm sorry your T abandoned you.  I don't think she was very good or helping you much either so maybe you will be better off.  I will pray that someone you can trust and feel comfortable with will be along shortly to support you and help you in your healing.

I'm glad you are going to read.  Hope you have a good book that will help to take your mind off of your problems for now.  I do that.  I can disappear into a book.  Praise books!!!!

Once, I knew a man who had lost both his legs (plus his wife and children) in a terrible accident.  He was a real inspiration.  I was very curious so I asked him a lot of questions.  He told me he cooked for himself, cleaned his little house, even scrubbed the floors and painted the place...all by sliding around on the floor and developing different gadgets to help himself...such as duct taping paint brushes to broom sticks and stuff.  He said he played cards every Wednesday and even went bowling once per month.  He was 82 or 83 and said he had "2 or 3 girl friends".  He could walk on his artificial legs and it was hard to tell that they weren't his real legs (which took many, many hours of painful practice).  I asked him..."don't you get lonely" and he told me:

"You will never be lonely as long as you have a good book!".  I never forgot that and to be honest, I am very thankful to have both my legs and especially...my family.

I doubt this will help but it passes the time for a few moments.  I hope you will feel better tommorow.  It's only a few hours away.

(((((October)))))

Sela

[Sela]

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was a good way to look at difficult times.  Hope it helps, even a little.  You can win this battle against your enemy thoughts and be promoted to feeling much better.  Keep trying!!

Sela



Whenever God gets ready to elevate you,
> He must first introduce an enemy.
>
> This lesson is played out in the life of virtually every leader in
> the Bible.
>
> Perhaps the Lord has spoken to you about a great destiny in your
> life. Just remember that the more important your future, the
> greater your opponent! Do you suddenly feel as if you are facing
> giant enemies? Hold on – your destiny is about to be revealed. If
> it had not been for an enemy called Goliath, David would always
have
> been just a shepherd.
>
> Never let the size of your enemy, the massiveness of his strength,
> or the volume of his threats intimidate you. Do what you've always
> done. In other words, "Sling what you've always slung!"
>
> One smooth stone guided by bravery and determination can cause your
> enemy to fall. Even a small boy stands taller than a fallen
> giant!
>
> The size of your enemy is immaterial. Israel won battles over much
> larger enemies and lost battles to much smaller forces. As a
> nation, Israel lost a battle against the small city of Ai; but as a
> lad, David defeated a giant called Goliath.
>
> Battles are not won on the basis of your strength or your enemy's
> size. You win or lose on the basis of your relationship with
> God.
>
> Don't fear your enemies – no matter what size they appear to be.
> Love your God – He is bigger! "Greater is He that is in you, than
> he that is in the world." When an enemy arises…promotion is on the
> horizon!

[longtire]

(((((((((((((October))))))))))))))

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough night.   Good for you for sending that EMail.  Even though we are not there in the flesh, we are there in spirit.

[bunny]

October,

I bet the people you'd really like to murder are these two dumba** therapists. They are doing more harm than good and I have NO IDEA where they got a license to practice therapy. I am really sorry about the system in the UK, and of course there are plenty of crap therapists here as well. All I can say is, there has to be some option somewhere which I hope turns up. Life seems to have alternatives. Your email to Diane will probably do nothing since she is an idiot(!!!) but at least you sent it. That means something.

bunny

[vunil]

October, please hang in there!  We are all rooting for you.  I agree with Bunny-- send all of your hostility toward those stupid therapists.  And I'll send some positive wishes your way that someone better comes along to help you.

[October]

October,

I bet the people you'd really like to murder are these two dumba** therapists.

Thanks Bunny - and everyone else.  I am feeling thoroughly ashamed of myself this morning. 

I have had an email from Diane's secretary saying she (d) will write back as soon as she can.  That is clearly crisis mode NHS style.  Swear word coming.  F*** her.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine needs help painting the living room, so I am going to help her, and to have some fun.  Too much staring at my own navel is not doing me any good.  Will stay a few days, if I can.  (Not good at staying away from home.) so don't worry about me if I don't appear.  I am fine.  And C is wonderful, and perfectly fine.  I wouldn't hurt a hair on her head - I hope everyone knows that.  She is currently packing enough for a six month trek across the Himalayas.  Teens don't do minimalist.