NPDs and their unusual eating habits

[October]

Oh God, that poor animal, and poor you too. How horrible.

Then I went back and sat down and spent the rest of the meal stifling giggles as these @$$h__e$ went on and on about the waitress, etc., while - of course - continuing to stuff their faces with the food they'd whined about.

Well done for standing up against these lowlife people, Stormy.   

Speaking of animals, did I tell you about visiting my brother and what happened with the dog?  Slight digression, but here goes.  He has a labrador puppy, less than a year old, but he is quite big.  The dog got out of the yard, and ran away.  I was outside the yard with brother and his boys - he was washing his cars.  Anyway, brother got really angry with the dog escaping, and went inside to get biscuits to tice it back.  (Food as control again.  Interesting.)

I went towards the dog, bent down and called its name, with an excited voice, like you do, and slapped my legs, and the dear thing came bounding over, all puppy like.  I felt like a real traitor to get it back that way.     So I took the collar, and started leading him back to the house, and brother appeared with biscuits, so the dog pulled away towards him and pulled me right over, off my feet.  (I am not very strong.)  Brother was concerned, and asked if I was alright, but after I said I was, he seemed to forget the whole thing.  Not sure what he does inside his head, really.  Anger, mostly, I think.

Brother took the collar and took the dog inside and I later saw the dog cowering with fear in front of him, and rolling over, looking dead scared.  Last dog brother had I know he used to hit.  Chances are same here, but I didn't hear or see it this time. 

I wish I had let that dog run and run and run.   

I know I can't talk.  The goldfish we bought two weeks ago is still not eating, and is looking very sad at the bottom of the tank.  I don't know what to do.  I have tried water tonic stuff, and tried changing the water.  I don't think I should have pets either. 

[PluckyGuest2]

My brothers boys are all stick thin, like we were when we were small.  :  /  They fall over a lot and are always covered in cuts and bruises of one kind or another.  Youngest fell over last weekend while I was there and cut his scalp open.  Not seriously, but there was a bit of blood, and he was distressed.  The blood got mopped up, the distress got ignored.  You could say he is accident prone, or you could say that he and his brothers have never been taught how to look after themselves in an appropriate way.
Hi October,
I don't mean to hijack but from what you write about your nephews, I am worried.  Yes, it is none of my business.  Saying they are skinny and possibly underfed, that pushes my buttons big time!  Is there some way you can have them over to your place more and feed and nurture them?  You may not think you are great, (but I do, and) but you are a far sight better than their home environment. 
Plucky

[mum]

I know I can't talk.  The goldfish we bought two weeks ago is still not eating, and is looking very sad at the bottom of the tank.  I don't know what to do.  I have tried water tonic stuff, and tried changing the water.  I don't think I should have pets either.

 

October: I have always had dogs who lived healthy, long lives.  We even had gerbils who lived 3 and 4 years (supposedly they only live 2, max).
I have never had a goldfish last more than a week. I don't think it's you.

[Sallying Forth]

The only time my Nmother could play was when drunk out of her gourd. Even then she never laughed at herself.

[miss piggy]

Hello everybody,

Hi Sallying Forth, yeah, it is so irritating when people can't laugh at themselves.  I mean, unless they've been laughed at a lot when younger, which would hurt...I know an N who had a swimming pool and when her kids wanted to race, she jumped out of the pool, mad.  I didn't understand when I was younger, but I do now!  Couldn't play. 

October: the fish.  Well, you know my history.  I agree with mum.  It isn't you.  The fish people at the store let me off the hook when they explained that the fish can catch all kinds of stuff when they are shipped in from wherever.  They don't know the quality of the water, the condition of the huge tanks, etc.  So bacteria all over the place.  OK, don't think about it too much.  But one fish may have swallowed something that doesn't agree with it and takes a turn for the worse once you bring it home.  At least the bacteria are thriving!  Oops I went there again.  But still...why MY fish? 

And the poor puppy......

Back to food, I think there might be something really basic in needing to see our kids eat, or I mean, feeling better as a mother when our kids have full tummies.  I can still remember the sense of relief after they ate when they were babies.  Like, yeah, I did a good job and they're OK.  For myself, I hate going anywhere without a snack just because I know my blood sugar will take a dive.  Then things get ugly.  So I just carry food and feel a little more together.

Has anyone else thought that perhaps eating disorders are becoming a status thing among some girls?  Is this cynical?  I know from the above discussion why food=control, but I think sometimes it can just be about Attention.  I don't know.  This is sort of a half-baked idea, but why is it only affluent girls?  Am I totally off base?

MP

[Stormchild]

Hello everybody,

Has anyone else thought that perhaps eating disorders are becoming a status thing among some girls?  Is this cynical?  I know from the above discussion why food=control, but I think sometimes it can just be about Attention.  I don't know.  This is sort of a half-baked idea, but why is it only affluent girls?  Am I totally off base?

MP

Hi MP -- it isn't merely a status thing, it's turned into some kind of sick cult. There is a website, I believe it's called 'ana's something or other, and the whole point of it is to encourage young women to starve themselves to death, while teaching them how to conceal this from the adults around them [which doesn't take much, since anorexia is often a response to parental indifference or overcontrol - and as we all know, overcontrol is just the flip side of indifference, no real attention is paid to the girl in either scenario]

'ana' is of course a cutesy name for anorexia.

i have seen this site. there is something horrendously vile going on there. the girls are supposed to wear bracelets so they can recognize each other, there's art posted that glamorizes emaciation, and it definitely promotes a snobbish, bullying, hate-everyone mindset.

Now... to be politically incorrect as all getout, most of the female bullies I've observed in the last few years have been on the other side of the scale... eating disordered towards morbid obesity. My Nmother fit this to a T, and so did her mother, and so have the nastiest female bullies I've seen in workplace environments over the last decade.

It seems as though the young bullies starve themselves and the old ones gorge, maybe to compensate for the earlier starving.

To be 1000% clear here, I'm not thinking at all of girls and women who are naturally willowy, or naturally Junoesque. I used to be a stringbean myself, and know plenty of perfectly delightful ladies who are built like the St. Pauli Girl, or even more lushly. Beauty comes in many forms, praise be to God. And it's easy to tell the difference. All you have to do is look into their eyes.

[miss piggy]

Hi Stormchild,

A cult!   Ew. 

Your stringbean remark brought up another memory--I too was a beanpole--but I still weighed more than other girls.  When I was at that age where girls start comparing their numbers, they would ask how much I weigh.  It was always 20 pounds more than the shortest girl, who would act appalled and tell me I weighed too much.  But because of my "voicelessness" I couldn't tell her what an idiot she was.

My D is taking some major heat now because she eats like a horse even though she burns every single calorie of it.  It would be a non-issue if only there were more privacy at schools.  But lunch is her biggest meal.  Ironically she eats like a bird at dinner.     But it doesn't matter to me as long as she's healthy and active. 

MP

[Stormchild]

My D is taking some major heat now because she eats like a horse even though she burns every single calorie of it.  It would be a non-issue if only there were more privacy at schools.  But lunch is her biggest meal.  Ironically she eats like a bird at dinner.     But it doesn't matter to me as long as she's healthy and active. 

Well... the other girls are blatantly shaming her for healthy behavior. How old is she? That cult website is aimed at middle schoolers and up, from the looks of it. I certainly hope the teachers aren't enabling this nonsense, but come to think of it, where are they and why aren't they putting a stop to it?

[October]

I never thought before that overcontrol was a form of neglect; that is an interesting concept.  My nd neighbour is very controlling of her son, daughter and h.  The son is healthy and chubby - perhaps bordering on overweight, and she takes delight in telling everyone how well he eats - so of course he does as he is told.

The daughter on the other hand, is - to my mind - underweight.  She weighs less than her brother, who is 5 years younger.  Worst of all, she thinks she is fat, and she controls her food intake.  She is often here and I offer the normal drinks and cakes or whatever.  I sometimes put something in the bin later, and very often find that she has thrown half or more away.     Her mother tells everyone that this girl does not eat enough, and at the same time delights in the 'look at my healthy big boy next to his waif like sister' routine. 


I have many times witnessed the two children next door eating.  Son is served more, and eats wolfishly.  Daughter picks at hers and gives up half way.  Son then takes from sister's plate, and finishes it off.  Mother tells daughter off for not eating enough, and nags for several miinutes without interruption, and meanwhile allows son to eat whatever is left.     Daughter is constantly nagged to drink more.  Son is constantly allowed to snack, and if told 'no' persists time and again to ask until his mother gives in, which she always does.

This neighbour is big and bulky herself (not huge, but not a waif) and she claims that her build at 12 was the same as her daughter.  Sorry, but I can't see that this is possible.  She is tall and big boned; big hands and feet (and dark hair).  D is small and slim and blond, and has the build of her maternal grandmother, who is also small and slim and blond.

(Another 'friend' some years ago showed me that she could join her 2 hands round the waist of her daughter, who was about 4 or 5, and like a beanpole.  She also went on and on about how skinny this daughter was, and how she used to be the same.  She also had two boys who were more normal sized, and this very very skinny girl.  At the time this woman was one of the largest people I knew.     )

It amazes me how people make up these fantasies about their families and expect us to buy into them, when we can see for ourselves that it is nonsense.   

[Sallying Forth]

I have many times witnessed the two children next door eating.  Son is served more, and eats wolfishly.  Daughter picks at hers and gives up half way.  Son then takes from sister's plate, and finishes it off.  Mother tells daughter off for not eating enough, and nags for several miinutes without interruption, and meanwhile allows son to eat whatever is left.     Daughter is constantly nagged to drink more.  Son is constantly allowed to snack, and if told 'no' persists time and again to ask until his mother gives in, which she always does.

This was the dinner table situation for me and my family. I picked at my found and my mother constantly hounded me to eat my food. Or I was told, "everyone is waiting for you to finish. Hurry up." Translation, eat the rest of your food now. While my brothers ate everything in sight.

One brother was allowed to eat when hungry no matter what time of day it was because he felt faint. I, on the other hand, was told to wait for dinner even though I felt faint.

[miss piggy]

Hi

I certainly hope the teachers aren't enabling this nonsense, but come to think of it, where are they and why aren't they putting a stop to it?

Stormchild: I consider our school to be just like a dysfunctional family.  Some normal folks overshadowed by grownup bullies...I try to shore up my kids' emotional IQ at home and patch  them up if they take it on the chin from the other kids.  It's hard, but it's the best I can do.  Some teachers are good at keeping an eye out for this sort of thing and dealing with it appropriately and others just make it worse. My response to any criticism about eating habits is focusing on what your body can do, not what it looks like.  Eat if you're hungry, don't if you're not.   

SF: My mother always served the best cuts of meat to my brothers.  I got the scraps and I am not kidding.  I pointed this out more than once, even scraping my plate and serving myself what I wanted (a nice servable slice of roast beef with gravy) to make A POINT!  My mother also favored by brothers by allowing them to tattle, a privilege I wasn't allowed.  I grew up in a pretty anti-female environment.  My mother hated her sisters (for good reason) but still, I wish she hadn't felt the need to dump on me through special treatment of the men.  I know she is not even slightly aware of her prejudice.  It just leaks out all over the place.   Otherwise she's pretty OK.  (I ate pretty slowly and it drove everyone crazy, hmmm, maybe that's why I got smaller portions... ) 

MP

[Sallying Forth]

SF: My mother always served the best cuts of meat to my brothers.  I got the scraps and I am not kidding.
MP

Those cuts of meat the business company got along with expensive  wine, a specific salad dressing, special lettuce (we only got iceberg lettuce), the finest dinnerware, the real silverware, the special glasses, etc. Even when it was a holiday we got treated the same except for the fare changed to turkey or ?. But never any special lettuce or dressing or expensive wine, etc.

My brothers were treated better than me in every way, especially my oldest Nbrother.

[Beautiful]

Play is something they were never taught as a child.   Play is joy, not controlled interrupted or interjected or distracted to do something else. 

My N does not know how to be playful.  Except when his "acting" around children.  Then he kows how to act like a child because he is one.

Around me, I only see his serious, dark side.   The worriesome, poor me.   Feek sorry for me because I'm working so hard at being a narcissist.

Give me a break.

[vunil]

This thread really rings a bell with me.  My mother had me on a diet from the time I was 12.  She still watches my weight like a hawk, and going to her house is tough because I have to eat like a bird-- I am served these little portions of fat-free food.  I have taken to putting food in my suitcase, as others have mentioned they do.  I was put in weight watchers at the age of 14 (I was a cheerleader, skinny as can be) and they kicked me out because I wasn't overweight (I actually gained a little on their diet!).  I was led to realize this meant I was hopeless-- my mom took this as an indication that I would never be able to lose weight, even on that diet, sigh, poor 125 pound me (I am pretty tall).  It is pretty sick to look back on.

Now I am pregnant and I will probably top 200 lbs before it's all over ! (it is 30 years later).  I wonder what she'll say when she sees me.   I wonder how soon after the birth she'll start pushing me to diet...  Good thing I have perfected the art of not remotely listening.

[miss piggy]

Hi Vunil,

   Boy, people just dont know what they put tall girls through.  Don't they know that six more inches is going to weigh something?? Sometimes I think if these scenes were played out on TV, they would be hiliarious.  Can you imagine skinny you in weight-watchers and what the other ladies must have been thinking?     If only it weren't true.

It sounds like your mother was once one of the girls at my high school, looking for ANY material to use to put the other girls down, whether it made sense or not.  There I am sputtering away trying to explain why I might weigh more and it didn't matter that I was all skin and bones--they wanted to tell me I was overweight!  wow.

MP