what would you do about this?

[write]

Some of you may remember a really arrogant message from a man who told me he was a celebrity & could never be friends with me! then I told you my friend is marrying him next year.

As I saw their romance developing I backed off and did not comment except with basic congratulations and a gift for their engagement which I sent to her ( she's overseas so that wasn't impolite )

It took weeks for her to accept I wasn't going to the wedding, she asked me over and over, now she still wants he and I to be friends, & she's invited me to his home for a party during her next visit.

I've taken to ignoring these messages of trying to bring the two of us together, she knows what he said to me, but being in love I suppose she discounts it and does not remember how shocked and offended I was by his behaviour. She made excuses for him at the time, now I think of it. Maybe she just doesn't want to accept that he has this horrible side?

I have no intention of going anywhere near him unless he makes an apologetic overture to me, I even left my church over it, and I think I can live without the friendship of someone who can be unpleasant to me (!) though of course it would be nice if there was at least a social veneer if she does come to live here and we remain friends.

Whilst she's overseas I guess it's not such an issue.

To be honest I don't hold him in high enough regard to be bothered whether he likes me or not; he's not my friend, she is.

Or is she not being a good friend to me in continually trying to force a friendship between us even though it has caused trouble in the past which she knows about?

I feel like I'm being fair to her in not mentionning him or saying what I really feel given that they are to be married, but it's beginning to grate on me now- I wouldn't mind if she was just going on about her wedding etc, she has every right to be excited, and I certainly haven't said anything negative to rain on her parade...I just don't want her to set me up for more unpleasantness.

Shall I continue to ignore the messages, or say something and risk losing the friendship?
Is it worth keeping?

[j_stice]

Simply put she appears to be living in her own isolated little world where the houses are ginger bread and the waters flow with milk and honey. Obviously it isn't the case, it is quite clear that this person doesn't think your feelings are either important, significant to her and / or feel that your judgement of him isn't right (or justified). She sounds a little deluded. If she can't recognise that your feelings aren't important, then every contact with this person will lead the same way. Just be friends with him.

While you have a reason for your feelings you need to work out whether your feelings towards the friendship with her are as strong as the feelings against him. If they are (or even if they are not) you need to set a boundary and tell her your happy she found someone but you are not obliged to like and spend time with that person. It doesn't mean that you don't want her in your life, you just feel that her forcing him onto you is disrespectful, but also tell her that if he was as good a person as she says he is, then it may take time for her to see and that she needs to respect your decision. At least that way you won't be cornering her into defending the guy she is with and it will allow her believe that there is a chance of you two getting along even if there isn't.

Whatever you go to the wedding because she may resent you enormously if you don't go especially if the marriage falls apart and she needs you! But it sounds like you value the friendship and maybe getting her to see the value of the friendship as well as the belief of boundaries because she is entering a new stage in her life as well as starting a relationship that will change every other relationship she had / has. This could be a good litmus test for the friendship, that could allow you to leave the friendship without any resentment or anomosity and allow you both to move on in life.

Don't feel guilty about this it was her choice to marry this guy and there is nothing you should / could have done to change it! But be prepared to take the right actions for you because she is no longer taking notice of what's important for you!

[stayhuman]

Hey Write,

A few thoughts. The fact that your friend is overseas just now means it is not a big problem yet. If, however, she moves closer to you it could become one. She seems sociable, like she would always be wanting you to interact with her in the marital social setting that will become her new life. I would probably wait to see what unfolds as regards her physical proximity to me before I said anything. If she moves close then I would have to decide between two options:

1. Give her husband a second chance. Go to a social gathering and see whether his attitude to you is any different.

2. As the above sounds doubtful, I would suggest telling yout friend that you are not comfortable being around her husband after what he said to you, I would reiterate how offended you were by it. Sounds like, if she moves close by, you will either have to distance youself from her, or say something. With either way you risk losing her as a friend.

If I was you Id probably be pissed off at my friend for pushing me to be around him. He sounds like a right jerk! Id be pissed off at her for marrying him aswell! grrrrrrr-I hate rude people.

*angry moods*

[Kaz guesting]

Hi Write,
All the details aside, she's just someone who's trying to get you to do something you don't want to do. If you don't want to be 'friends' with her guy, you don't have to!
Your friendship with her has already been affected and I doubt whether there's any point in trying to rescue it.
Cheers,
Kaz

[write]

funnily enough I would give her partner another chance if he apologised or was the one inviting me- but he's not, is he!+ I think if he was genuine he would have made an effort knowing we're friends and she was disappointed...he's very wrapped up in himself.
I feel sad for her, and hope she's right, because sooner or later he'll treat her like he does everyone else, worse probably if things don't work out.
But he's different with everyone when she's around too, I guess making a good impression. Or maybe she has a good impression on him. I'm trying not to be too cynical just because I don't like him.

Thanks, reading it all back I think I'm just people-pleasing here and you're right, the friendship is probably over since I no longer seem to equally feature in it!...saying that I've known loads of women do this when they get in a relationship, not realising they will need their female friends later if it doesn't work out.

I'll let you know what happens...

[Hopalong]

Hey Write,
There's this really cool feature on email called Block Sender...

If either she or he come out of their daze and start to value you, or it dawns on either or both of them that there needs to be some healing gesture extended...

There's this really cool invention called a postage stamp.

Outta your head, they don't deserve the space right now!

imNho,
Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hi Write,
maybe your friend has colliding worlds.  Her fiance is one reality, you are another.  She wants to reconcile them.  The only way is to get you two together.   The confrontation might help her figure out this nagging problem.   Of course, she is not taking into account the toll it takes on you.

Have you been upfront with her?  Maybe she really needs that, as impolitic as it may seem.  Tell her exactly what he said, and that this insulted you greatly.  Say that you respect her right to marry whom she chooses, but you don't see how he could deserve her.

Say that you have no desire to be in the same county with him.  And you would like to continue the friendship with her, but without his participation.

Once you have explicitly said this, she can decide how to proceed.  Unless you do, she may not be understanding your point of view.

Perhaps you have already done this with no result.   Or maybe I am all wrong.  It's a suggestion, in case you haven't gone there and are trying to be subtle or polite.

a blunt
Plucky 

[Hopalong]

 !
I know, that was pretty lazy-sounding...
but I thought Block Sender was such an amazing notion.
You mean, I don't have to READ it?
Or I can let the phone RING?
Or not read a NOTE?
Or tear up an unopened ENVELOPE?
Or turn away from toxic PEOPLE?

I'm completely dazzled by people who make those sorts of decisions in perfect calm.
I'm really impressed by unruffled folk who don't get HOOKED (like I so often have/do).

I kind of need to BLOCK MY NEED TO NOT BLOCK OUT BAD STUFF...
Aha,
Hopalong

[write]

We're getting there Hopalong!

Yes, she knows exactly how I felt Plucky, and though I decided I didn't want to put her in the position of making a  choice so I stopped talking to her about it I told her exactly why I didn't want to go to the wedding.

As you say- she just wants everyone to get along, and make things perfect for her, which means me running the gauntlet of his unpleasantness if I go along and socialise just to please her.

I actually don't need to do anything, only not let myself be pressured into stressful situations.

I'm gracious enough to come around in the unlikely event he apologises!

Writing all this out has been a big help, it's been niggling at me for weeks to keep getting emails which try to make things seem the opposite of my reality...

[Chicken]

Hey Write,
Haven't seen you on the board for a wee while. 

I do remember the last post about this situation but I missed the one where it explained what this guy said to you and how etc. 
Either way, it hurt you and it seems uncalled for and so shallow!!!
 
My feelings on the matter is that it needs addressing now.  I think you need to decide the best option FOR YOU and to stick with it. 
My feelings about your friend:  I think she isn't aware of your feelings on the matter.  She seems to be caught up in her own happiness and excitement and when you're in that world, you tend to forget that there are others who are not so happy.  If she is such a friend to you, then why don't you share your feelings with her?  Maybe if you let her know that you are unsure of what to do because of his behaviour.  It hurt you.  Can you tell her that? 

Would telling her be out of the question?

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Write

I haven't seen your other post, but I appreciate that you feel hurt by his comment as would anyone.  Were there any other comments or is this the only one?  Also how long ago was this?  If this was a while ago and there were no other comments then I feel this may be something to let go... maybe ask yourself "is it worth the upset with your friend?", however if he speaks down to you each time you see him, then that would be a different matter.  Also, do you have any mutual friends, what do they think about him?

As someone who recently got married this touches a nerve with me as I feel a wedding is where friends and family should put aside their differences for one day and be there for their friends/family.  It is only one day after all.... even if it's an early wedding, it's only 12 hours of your life.  I have done this in the past for my friends and I would again.  Also, even if he spoke down to you on his wedding day, you could just turn round and say I'm here for the bride.  I feel that because your friend keeps asking you, it's because she wants you to share in one of the happiest days of her life.  This itself speaks volumes to me and to me anyway, shows that she values you.

I will tell you this though.... with our wedding, a good friend of mine was moving to America about 2 months before our wedding and she wouldn't be able to make it.  Her boyfriend had moved across earlier and a month before she was due to go, he broke up with her.  To say she was gutted is an understatement and I went round with tissues, chocs and flowers for her.  I felt for her so so much, however she was also a friend who helped me alot, sticking bows on, helping organise taxi's etc and she had a fab day at our wedding.  She told me several times how much she enjoyed it, even though she didn't know a great deal of people there.  Can you imagine what it must have been like for her, feeling so down and then so enthusiasic about your friends wedding?  My point is that although it was our wedding, I appreciate her so much for giving her time and being there.

My two cents anyway... for what they're worth.

Take care

H&H xx

[onlyrenting]

Hi write, sorry I only have a few seconds.....

1.As her good friend, I think if you don't like her BF, she might want to listen to advise from her good friends.

2. If you don't like him, your not in love and blind to his rudeness. I think he will treat all of her friends the same way, given time.

3. I would go to the wedding let him be himself, maybe she will open her eyes to see the truth.

4. Maybe she needs you to be there for support of her.

5. Listen to what you see so when he dumps her for the next best thing you can understand as a friend.

got to go!!!  OR (I didn't see the other post, sorry if I missed the jest of the story)

[Portia]

Hi Write.

I'm gracious enough to come around in the unlikely event he apologises!

Sorry - but. Either you think this man is a total shit or you think he’s not.  What difference would his apology make? Would it change him as a person? Would he mean it? Why would it make you come around? (Is this problem about your friendship with your friend, or about your relationship with the man?)

I don’t believe you have to get on with this man. I think you could remain a friend to your friend by telling her what you feel. “I’m sorry, it seems to mean a lot to you for me to be friends with X but it’s not going to happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t want your friendship. But I don’t want to see X and I don't feel the way you do about him. If I can see you without X being there, and you want to see me, fine, we’ll meet up as and when. Can we both accept that where he's concerned, we disagree? If we can’t, well, I’ll still be your friend. Friendship isn’t just about seeing one another. It’s about accepting changes and letting the friendship change too.”

How about those thoughts?

[longtire]

Hi Write!
I'm feeling very simple today.  It sounds like your "friend" is in denial about him and you are not.  That would be hard enough, but it also sounds like your "friend" wants you to be in denial about him with her.  That in itself is no good for friends.  Is she pushing him to apologize to you and work it out with you?  It sounds like she is aware of what he's really like on some level and knows HE won't do anything so she's pushing YOU to accommodate her.  Not very friend-like on her part.

[Hopalong]

Dang, I really, really really wish your friend would not marry him.

Divorce is SO painful. And so few people want to look it in the eye before a wedding.

Might cost the friendship but part of me says, tell her (with loving concern for HER) what he said to you, and tell her what you think that suggests about whether he can make her happy for the rest of her life. Not about you, but about her.

Would be a risk but I believe an unusual kindness that she would remember.
Even if she didn't, might be a right thing to do. No matter whether she carries on or not, she'd remember the honesty.

Anyone else think that's possibly right? I DO make boundary mistakes sometimes...but I know I wish with all my heart somebody'd sat me down before I married the N...so I did do the same w/my daughter when she got herself an N boyfriend, and she later told me, I really needed to hear that, and thank you. They broke up in their own time but she knew I told her what I felt was for her sake, it was from love.

I dunno for SURE. Because it can be invasive...tricky question on it and I'd love other thoughts if you would...

Hopalong