I have been reading Vaknin's book 'Malignant Self Love' partly to help me to figure out how to divorce an N friend who has wanted to entangle me since he met me (because I have something he wants, in skills). When I first met him I gave him the adulation he craves, and I don't give that anymore, but I needed to cut off his expectation of getting my free services (in exchange for him supposedly making me very wealthy at some future date: uh-huh). Anyhow, I was pretty scared on just how to break it off and have been reading the book on N's specifically to help me figure out the best method of divorcing him.
This is what I have gleaned. I have used it, and it seems to have been working great!
1) Remember that all you are to the N is "Narcissistic Supply." This could be stuff like admiration, adulation, praise, etc. -- or it can be FEAR. Both fear and adulation are things the N feed off of.
2) One thing the N cannot feed off of is indifference. If they can't get a rise out of you, it confuses them to a degree that they just don't even know which end is up. But one thing is for sure: once you are indifferent, you are not giving them Narcissistic Supply anymroe, and they will lose interest (unless perhaps you have something of monetary value that they want to get their hands on -- but that is a subject I don't know much about).
The main thing that has worked for me both when divorcing my N mother 10 years ago and this month when divorcing the N ex-near-boyfriend who wanted to keep me in his supply for life just this month is this: to make the decision, make the decision known to the N as concisely and firmly and with as much finality as possible, and then to give it NO MORE ENERGY. For instance, when I talk to my half-sister and she mentions our N mother, about the most I ever respond is, "Oh." I do not ask questions about my N mother, do not ask or wonder about how she is feeling or what she is doing, etc. I say, "Oh" and change the subject. My half-sister wishes she didn't have to deal with our N mother but is very devoted to her father and since he lives with our N mom she is a part of her life. There is no doubt in my mind that she too would divorce our N mom if her father was not there. So, she does not in any way try to "patch things up" between us. She totally respects my decision and is not doubt not a little envious.
With the recent divorce of the N friend, I let him know that I could not work with him and feel that his affect on my life could only be unhealthy. He emailed me and told me how I would regret it someday having passed up the opportunity to work with someone so "spiritually advanced." I just didn't write back. It is so good. Before, it was harder to make plans for myself, even the next months, when I used to know that he expected such-and-such of me, which would drain me mentally, emotionally and timewise if not financially. It was always there, just making all future plans a little foggier and uncertain. Now that I have made this clean break, I find that I have a clear calendar before me and I am reclaiming old dreams that had all but died before. I am re-finding what *I* want to do with my life.
Am I more isolated? Yes, in a way, if you mean do I have more hours alone time. But the main friends and associates I have are such positive influences in my life, and I feel the world is my blank canvas, and now I can paint.
