Hi everyone and thank you for listening. usually I don't feel this kind of thing is urgent enough to warrant posting but I just feel stuck. I cannot progress. I need some clear thinking. Gloves off, everybody!
Nope. He let's me choose what I do, me him (both to an extent).
hi P (Portia? Piggy? an new P?) This is a hard one for me. Generally he does not tell me what to do at all. But my actions are determined by what he does not do. Since we have small children, there are many tasks, practically around the clock that need attention. Since he does not seem to notice or take responsibility for them, they fall to me. So I basically spend 100% of my time doing things I have to do, and then collapsing onto the bed, from which I will have to rise early to tend to our youngest, because my H never hears him calling. Never.
So from his point of view, which he has indeed expressed, I am always dictating what he does and he hardly has any time to pursue his own interests. Which of course he still cultivates. Me, I can hardly remember what my interests were at one time. Of course his interests include sports, music, which involves spending money and time, and computer games. All solitary pursuits, not including his children or, and this never crossed his mind, his wife. Do I sound angry? I hate being a nag but that is the only time he listens.
One thing.....do you ask?
Oh yes. I used to ask nicely and give him a choice. He always chose not to do it, or at the very least, to put it off. Then, I started to bypass any polite way of speaking to him, and go directly to giving orders, sarcasm, and bitchiness. This worked very well, but then I had to be angry all the time. Now I just explain in very elemental terms why it needs to be done and why it needs to be done now. I don't even feel any anger any more, I just know that I cannot count on him knowing why the baby has to be fed now, instead of 2 hours from now, I have to explain the consequences in terms he will relate to: "He'll get too hungry, little kids have faster metabolisms than you do, and 2 hours is a very long time for them. So he will start to cry and scream, and you won't be able to hear your game anyway. Then he will wake up early and I have to leave so you'll have to get up and feed him." This seems to work, although sometimes he acts as if I am condescending.
So he does do lots of things I ask for, but in the way a bad minimum wage employee would - no initiative, no memory, no understanding, no willingness, no helpful attitude. And each time my disdain for him grows. In the recent past, this was anger but now I generally just feel ickiness.
Thanks for the soup! Yummy!
Well, if this were an isolated incident, I would suggest you might be reacting too strongly to use it as a reason for getting a divorce but even as an isolated incident, I think you are well within your rights to feel hurt. Somehow, I think it is not an isolated incident. It probably sums up in one episode a lot of what is going on in your marriage?
Hi Sugarre,
Correct. This is a slice of life for me. If my H were home all day, it would be thing after thing just like this all day long. But then I think, if I get divorced, I won't even have the reluctant help I do have! However, I think my spirit will be a lot lighter!
I know for a fact that my H is completely different in other contexts. At his job, he uses a kind tone of voice we never hear him use at home. For people working for him, he speaks so much more kindly than to his small boys! He is so good at being considerate at work, so conscientious, so thoughtful. They love him there.
At home, he cannot remember what his children like to eat, what their schedules are or what their fave colors are. But he can memorise the entire sports schedule for the season, all the matches at different times, time zones, etc, stats, you name it.
[I just went off to moderate a dispute between my kids. I told the oldest one that he had inflicted a boo-boo on the spirit of the youngest and that he did not put a bandaid on it by showing concern. I said I didn't want him to grow up to be someone who didn't care about other people's feelings. He replied, "But Daddy is growing up to be that kind of person." (They think that Daddy is just the biggest kid in the house. Hmmm......) Anyway, I would not have believed it...What timing.]
And, I stayed for my kids but you also can leave for your kids.
Well, as usual, the nuggets of wisdom are mind-blowing!
And my H has a drinking problem too! not so pronounced now but I wonder once he is living alone?????? I used to enforce a drinking limit with him, but now I just let him do whatever. As soon as he really figured out I was not going to say anything about his drinking, he did stabilise at a certain amount. As far as I know.
Have you been to counseling together?
Thanks Hoppy,
We went for several months about a year ago, as my condition for not seeking a divorce right away. It made a small difference but it was more of a band-aid. Even though we identified major problems and simple things to work on, he still would never change anything really. He claims he cannot remember. But underlying it all, and he has told me this more than once, he thinks he is just fine the way he is. In every respect.
Finally, after I realised he was cutting, I convinced him to go to a T alone and this seems to have led toward him accepting that our relationship was over. I need for him to be looked after so I don't have to deal with cutting, drinking, whatever when the time comes to really do it.
Over years I have talked and yelled, and begged, and explained, and waited, and tried to do more, and be happy with less. I have tried to shut down my needs and wants and just be a robot looking after everyone else. I've tried to seek outlets in reading to sublimate my need for adult contact and communication. Nothing works too well, and I feel like I'm walking dead...just waiting to finish my work and die. That last little spark of life is finally clicking in and my children are very perceptive. I might be trying to act as if things are normal but they know better.
Hoping I'm still
Plucky
