my husband was put in the role of the husband to his mother

[2224Jessica]

Hi everyone,
My husbands mother was very controlling and needy and relyed on her oldest son (My hubby) to meet her needs emotionally. His father is emotionally distant and unavailable. He felt suffocated, isolated, inadequate, controlled, used, brain washed, guilty etc. He clams up when she's around. I think she's a bitter, strange woman and she's extremely depressed and critical of everything. He doesn't remember much of his childhood. He knows there was trauma but doesn't know what. he shuts down when something hurts him emotionally but will be there for other people when they hurt. Some of his symptoms as an adult is like long term Post traumatic stress disorder.( he's been like this since I met him) He's extremely sensitive. doubtful and tearful at times too. However he's sweet and loving to me and the kids. Does anyone else relate to anything like this. I love him heaps and don't know how to help him heal from his wounds. He is curious about how to recover childhood memories. He wants help but doesn't know what to do. Do you think him seeing a therapist will help. He wants to see one but is afraid that they won't understand.
Thanks
love Jessica

[Plucky]

Hi Jessica,
It's great that your H wants to try to heal.  It's also great that you are there to lend support.  It could be a rocky ride and it could take years. 
Others can give more advice about therapy.  There are good ones and bad ones and sometimes you have to go through a couple to get to the good one.  There are also websites and discussion groups and books and support groups. 
I don't have any good advice, just don't give up until you find the right solution.  Also, he has to drive it, not you, even if he stalls, you have to let him drive, for the most part.  If he is stuck you can tow him out.....ok enough already with the car talk.  Good luck.
Plucky

[Its not Easy]

You husbad has been recruited thru his childhood to be your Mother-in -law's  surrogate husband and in so doing she has committed 'emotional incest'(and possibly technical incest) She has profoundly abused your husband by erasing the boundaries between parent and chiuld and exploiting him for her own needs. He needs professional help as soon as possible.

[Hopalong]

Hey Jess,
I think your H sounds like a very sweet guy who's toting a big barrel of pain. However, I think he's also extremely lucky. He has your love and loyalty and most of all, he has the impulse to heal...he's open to the idea of therapy.

Tell him a good therapist will understand more than he ever thought possible, and that he's making a wonderful, wonderful choice if he does this.

It's the rest of his life in the balance.
And with a good T's support and insight he too can build the strength to build boundaries.

In fact, Google "boundaries in relationships" -- that is often a major eye-opener.

And Jess, you too are a sweet and loving person...to bring his troubles here.
But once you give him the support and encouragement to go get help, your support will have to take the form of supporting him in HIS work, but not doing it for him. (Though you could go along to he counselor for a few sessions if he'd like you to...that can be very helpful in some cases.)

Kudos to you for your kindness,

Hopalong