Hops,
I so want to be able to explain the process of just trusting the universe to take care of how things work out in your life. I came to this conclusion about how it works by looking at the events of my life, first of all during the past five or six years. Then once I saw the pattern of how my small events and decisions fit into a bigger picture, mostly having to do with what I needed to learn, I began applying this thinking to earlier events in my life that had hurt me or seemed otherwise senseless. I kind of filled in the reasons for myself based on what seemed most likely to be useful in my personal growth.
I know this is vague but there are far too many stories and details to relate in one post. And plus, it is specific to my life. Your stories would be unique to you. So, I am suggesting looking at your life as something of a history of the "education" of Hopalong and her soul. There will be patterns. You might start with how worried you have been about your current employment situation and there was a deadline looming over you. Then a reprieve came and the deadline was extended. Some things in your life have resolved themselves during this time--I'm referring to the peace you gained from accepting your daughter's relationship with you as it currently is, and also how this visit with your brother has led to some progress as well. There may be many other things you can look at in this way. These are the couple of things that you shared here which seem to have a heightened meaning, there is a peacefulness that is coming through your posts, and so that is why I bring it up as a starting point.
When I started to see it in my life, there was a similar peacefulness and certainty about something special happening in our lives that gained my attention. A heightened awareness that it was time for me to set aside my worry, stubbornness, fear, even any ideas I might have had about actions to take. Instead, it was--just do what presents itself next, go through each door as it opens, learn from each encounter. Follow my heart.
Once I saw that this was how life was working, it occurred to me that maybe it has always been working this way. So, I looked at the past and did indeed find patterns where I was given opportunities to learn, survive, grow, etc. I hadn't been able to see it at the time. But I'm convinced that my life has always worked out in the best way for me to learn the most important things that I need to know. I'm lucky. So far, it seems that I'm meant to be a fairly healthy person who lives an average life with a loving family. Employment has worked itself out, shelter has worked itself out, kids have grown up and seem to be doing things they have talent for. It might have been possible for me to destroy all that with fear and worry. Thankfully I came to my senses and saw life for what it is.
I don't want to go into too much detail about specific events from the time when I began to see how it works. But it involved my son being hospitalized, getting kicked out of college, needing a place to live, etc. In two days, we got him out of the hospital, got the bill paid for, got him back into school, got him a psychiatrist who we could afford, found him an apartment we could afford, with friends he could rely on, he didn't have to come back home with us, which he truly dreaded as he hates our hometown. It was like watching things unfold. Like it was a movie or something and not our real lives. There were so many details that I couldn't have prepared for. So many ways it could have gone badly wrong. We didn't know what to do when the thing started. We were completely up against a wall. We really had no choice but to let the universe take over. I remember so many times during the two days when I would be just sitting and the tears would just come. Sitting in a chinese restaurant with our son and nothing could be said. Just tears. Sitting on a bench in the waiting room and not knowing what to do next. Asking for help from someone who turned out not to be in our corner. But that was good knowledge to have. Letting his friends help us and it turned out they really knew best. They were the ones who found the apartment. All this happened when I was unemployed with no job prospects in sight. I think in a similar situation my own parents would have said NO! to everything, no psychiatrist, no apartment, no school, because we can't afford it. Instead we just sort of jumped off a cliff and held on tight. And somehow made a soft landing. In a matter of days we went from the depths of despair to seeing our son so happy that we trusted him and his friends and allowed him to do what he needed to do to live his life.
What is still hard sometimes is letting go of wanting a particular outcome. Sometimes I don't even realize how invested I am in a particular outcome (usually wanting something to work out a certain way due to missed experiences in the past) until I'm depressed or crying or all tied up in knots about someone or something. That is quite a challenge for me still.
But I don't think me still having that issue prevents me from believing what I believe and being able to see the forces at work in my life and keeping myself going in that direction which is the right direction for me. There are some things currently that I'm going to have to let go of, and I'm disappointed about it, disappointed in myself. But I hold out hope that the things I'm going to let go of may still be possible in the future and that maybe I can try again. It seems obvious that I'm not ready right now anyway. It's just that I'm so used to being disappointed in myself!!! Soon, that habit will fall by the wayside and that will feel good.
I hope this is concrete enough to give you something to work with. It's really just a matter of seeing. And letting go and being carried along somewhat. It is not inactive on your part. But your actions might become different from the old habits. It depends on what you end up seeing, I guess.
Pennyplant
