Is she NPD, a Diva or just a Princess?

[anony123]

This is Jack coming back for more advice.

My ExG/F called me Tuesday morning to chat about a course I started Monday night
( SHe recently wanted us to be just 'friends' - close, but no sex) Anyways I was using my computer when she called and she said "Are you busy ?" I said "Yes" and she said. "OK, I will let you go" and she hung up.
She send me a text later in the morning saying "congratulations on the course etc."
I replied 'Thanks '.
And hour later she text me again, " I am going for acupunture at 3 pm do you want to meet for coffee afterwards ?"
 I replied, "I am busy all day, maybe later in the week if work eases off a tad."
She repied "I expected that response after this mornings phone call.What a change in you! ."
She went all cold and distant the next day and now is not talking to me OR giving me 'one word ' text answers.
I have re-established some of my boundaries after we broke up as lovers. SHe seems to have an expectation that we 'should' still be the same couple but just No Sex
( I still do not understand why she wants this 'No Sex" because Sex was the only element of our relationship that worked really well - go figure!).
MY point in all this is that she appears to still be acting as if we were still lovers with all the merging and closeness .She still has expectations which are the same as she had when we were lovers.
I think that going to 'just friends' immediately after a hot intimate relationship is not going to work because all the"feelings' are still swirling around in both of us. All that has really happened is that we have stuck a different LABEL on our relationship and she thinks that doing this will solve our conflicts.  BUT she still wants all of the benefits that remain outside of the sexual connection.
I am confused..I do not understaaand why she is so annoyed with my response about coffee. Maybe if we were still lovers I could would have replied a little differently.
I think of a friendship as having much lower requirements of closeness and connectedness and loyalty that an intimate exclusive relationship. SHe apparently thinks otherwise.

 She has had two other relationships in her life in which she maintained connections with the men AFTER their romantic relationship ended. SHe stayed connected to her first boyfriend for years after she left him and married her husband. SHe went out for dinner with the ex B/F behind her husbands back. SHe told me as if that were quite 'normal' behavior.
Maybe she likes to keep the connections as 'backup' but I am not willing to do that for much longer.
I need your input ladies.
IS she a Diva ??

Recently she saw a therapist three times (some feminist who told her that she "may need to have FOUR men in her life to meet all her needs- is that Diva thinking or what ? ) Gee, I wonder how all those millions women have managed over the centuries with just one mate ?

Jack (in a box of confusion)

[Hopalong]

As ever, smart Jack, your own wisdom is in your thoughts. So here's support for it!

I think that going to 'just friends' immediately after a hot intimate relationship is not going to work because all the"feelings' are still swirling around

YES.

Maybe she likes to keep the connections as 'backup' but I am not willing to do that for much longer.

HALLELUJAH!

IS she a Diva ??

IRRELEVANT.
Focus OFF her, and ON Jack. (You're really starting to get it...don't give up...

The issue is, you are starting to notice along with your micro-tracking of what SHE does, but more an awareness of how YOU FEEL.

There's the key. Consult inner Jack, respect his reality, in terms of what is GOOD for him.

How good will it feel when you find yourself not even interested in responding to her, or analysing her, or "figuring her out", or "never being confused about her ever again..."

How good would that feel?

See, it doesn't matter, to diagnose her with perfect precision. Knowing, facing, owning, even embracing...how this whole crappy use-Jack relationship has made you FEEL...that does matter.

I think you're almost there. (When you decide "No Contact", tell her so, and Block Sender, I'll be positive!)

Impressed,
Hops

[anony123]

Ok, now im getting more info from you guys.
I guess that what I also need to really KNOW is that this woman is still wanting what SHE wants from me, when SHE wants it, and is willing to sulk and pout when I act like a regular friend and not a merged lover.
She has tried to tell me (unsuccessfully that a friendship is a HIGHER form of relatuionship that an intimate committed one between a man and a woman - we can not ever agree on these sorts of issues)
She is really pissed that I did not jump at her coffee invitation even though she has turned me down three or four times in the past month -SHE always had solid reasons OF COURSE !
Surely a true friendship includes HER also being willing to accept that I do not, or cannot, make it to a coffee date with her. This lady seems to want it all her way ?

Is there such a thing as a DIVA syndrome?

Jack.

[mudpuppy]

Hey Jack,

People like this are only interested in control. You will never be more than a puppet on a string, no matter what form your relationship takes. What she wants is you dancing every time she gives the string a yank. When you don't dance she gets mad.

mud

[Hopalong]

Hi again Jack,
Yes, SHE's selfish, SHE wants her cake and eat it too, SHE wants to force terms of relationship that don't work for you, SHE has one set of rules ("I can blow you off") for you and another for herself ("But you have to be available to me".)

SHE is all that stuff that's wrong unhealthy and unfair that you've already figured out.

What DIFFERENCE does it make what it's called, Jack? Seriously. "Diva syndrome" is just another cute pop-psychology label. It might even be an apt one.

But it's IRRELEVANT how you label her. It's not RELEVANT to you making your choices. What is relevant is you being more curious about how JACK ticks than how SHE ticks.

How JACK ticks. What makes JACK hang in like this, puzzling and obsessing and trying to get milk out of this stone?

You are so inquisitive and intelligent.

If you turn your mind onto trying to figure out YOU, and find your own workings more fascinating than those of someone who has hurt you and toyed with you... then you are free to become healthy and find healthy love.

(This ain't it. You're so close to accepting it. When you do, having it all tidied up with the right labels won't matter any more. Because you will have moved on to care about your own wellbeing.)

BTW, I'm vehement with you because I identify with your pattern like crazy. I'm over it now but it damn well dominated two decades of my life, with different people, and I sure would love to save some young person from that kind of wasteful agony.

Hops

[anony123]

I saw a counselor yesterday for two hours of seaching and self examination. A few tears too.
He said that that my G/f functions like a child and the reason that I felt so frustrated was that I had 'expectations' which were not being met and probably never would. He pointed out that children are masters at getting (or at least trying to get) their own way without contribution.
My ex G/F was really adamant that I had a 'needy ' personality and I just wanted 'more and more' from her. She maintained that she had other obligations and that she was putting all of her available time into our relationship. She was convinced that she was acting perfectly and I was just possessive and demanding ,( She also went on a few dates behind my back with another guy and now claims that she did this "because I was still in the anger/grief cycle of the relationship that I had not emotionally finished three years ago ."  What ? I think that she just LOVES male attention and she gets it any way.
 However in the past week the light switched on I have come to realize that this is her twisting of reality.I was NOt looking for more of her time I wanted more of HER when we were together.  I wanted her to be present emotionally instead of shut off and cool and distant towards me. I also wanted her to be open about her wants and intentions. I asked her several times to "tell me what you want from me. She mumbled some lame answer that I cannot even recall.

MOre soon .... Jack.. 

[Hopalong]

GOOD for you, Jack. This is a brave, mature move. Stay with it!

I saw a counselor yesterday for two hours of seaching and self examination. A few tears too

Bravo!

Here I'm just messing with one of your quotes...because I am guessing you might be projecting into HER what you truly, most of all, need from yourself. (Sounds odd when you're yearning for love, I know...but self-love really is an experience, not an abstraction.) So how does it feel to read:

I want..JACK...to be present emotionally...to HIMSELF... instead of shut off...I also want...JACK to be open about HIS wants FOR HIMSELF and intentions FOR HIMSELF.

Bravo again, Jack. You are taking a courageous look and growing some depth that lots of people never do.

Hops

[reallyME]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh JODI ALERT JODI ALERT!

anony: She has had two other relationships in her life in which she maintained connections with the men AFTER their romantic relationship ended.

For me, this would be a HUMUNGOUS RED FLAG that I could see from miles away!

N's tend to do that...bring in the "new" while keeping the OLD on the side.  While my friend Dove had been with Jodi (she picked up with Dove right after "dumping" me), Dove noticed that Jodi was always checking online to see if I was on and going to talk to her.  One day, when I was visiting my spiritual mom, Jodi was frantic, because I wasn't messaging her online.  Dove was pretty shocked that, even though SHE was now Jodi's new "friend" "ministry" partner, etc, Jodi couldn't seem to stop trying to communicate with ME. 

It's not just boyfriend/girlfriend the N's do this with.  It's ANY SUPPLY SOURCE (AKA: human being who was their last victim)

Jodi did the same thing when I was her NEW CONQUEST.  She began devaluing her last supply source to me, saying "I don't like them and I'm sick of this...DO YOU BLAME ME?"  The thing is, YES I BLAMED HER FOR LOVING PEOPLE ONE MOMENT, HATING THEM THE NEXT! I BLAMED HER VERY MUCH FOR THAT, and one day I explained to her "I don't get it...you told me that person was everything to you, but 2 days later you don't like them?  What's up with that?"  Immediately Jodi would defend herself saying, "No No You don't understand what I'm saying.  It's not that I don't like them, it's that _____________________"  IF I still didn't agree with her RIGHT to despise people, she would say "never mind, I guess it's just something too deep for ya."

~RM

[Hopalong]

Yup, spot on, Really.
Supply-side Neconomics.

 

Hops

[BJ]

I don't want to throw a complete curve in the direction of this post or your thinking Jack, but something caught my attention that has not yet been addressed here...

SHe seems to have an expectation that we 'should' still be the same couple but just No Sex
( I still do not understand why she wants this 'No Sex" because Sex was the only element of our relationship that worked really well - go figure!). MY point in all this is that she appears to still be acting as if we were still lovers with all the merging and closeness .She still has expectations which are the same as she had when we were lovers.

If sex was the only element in your relationship that worked well, for you, then what else are you missing in her? Maybe she needed to understand what she meant to you, temporarily excluding sex? Your cold response to coffee was a message to her "feelings" piece of your relationship. I'm not suggesting you buy flowers but, as far as feelings go--( ie. ... a gift of flowers always means more to me when they are given for no reason.) Maybe you both want different things or your intimacy is simply more sexually matched. Think about what you want and let that guide you. If you are interested in maintaining a relationship with her, someone should put pride (or whatever it is?) aside and step-up first, with a soft and honest communication? Maybe your needs are different and it's time to move on?
There are many other worthy comments posted. This is just one more thought from a woman's point of view. Best to you,
BJ

[anony123]

BJ ,do you think that my text to her was really cold? Does it 'feel' that way. It was a text message and they do  lack warmth. However, I feel a little cold myself now that she has decided to withhold sex in order to make HER feel more powerful..
 
Jack (getting a little bolder)

[BJ]

Jack,
I guess withholding is an age-old tactic for some, it never crosses my mind. I either feel close and want to share that feeling physically, or I don't. I don't know either of you but, if you were to be completely objective,"what if" it's not about her feeling power in the relationship...what if it's about "understanding" what she means to you? I feel you pulling away from her and protecting yourself. And maybe you should or... are you being defensive or close-minded? I just think that sometimes we need to give thought to talking about what is really going on for someone else. That's of course assuming each person can be honest with themselves and the concerned parties.  Are you giving her the true message? And, if this is who you really think she is...then again, what would you miss in her? Was it the sex, sex that you had and felt with her, or just sex? For women, foreplay begins long before we enter the bedroom.
Maybe she is as you describe and maybe we need to believe when someone tells us who they are, but have you thought about gently considering other options? I find that my husband's gentle compassion and understanding always helps me rise to the occasion! Good luck
BJ

[seeker]

Is she NPD, a Diva or just being a woman?

The "or just being a woman" is the part that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  No offense, but I speak from "this" woman's (my) perspective.

[Hopalong]

Good point, Seeker...thank you.

Do you see why that's hurtful to women, Jack?

(I've internalized so many automated put-downs of women sometimes they skate right by me.)


Hops

[anony123]

Yes ladies ,I do see that my comment about "just being a woman " would be hurtful to some. I apologize for any offense. It was a careless comment on my part.

Here is my latest chuckle -

My Ex G./F said on several occasions that she was raised to " Love People and use Things."

I am having trouble reconciling the following events with that statement-

When we were together she went on several dates with  two other men behind my back.

She still lives in a house with her wealthy Ex B/F(she and he separated three years ago . He paid for most of the house) SHe still derives the benefits of living there without being in a relationship with him.

SHe took off over the Easter holidays without me and then accused me of not being 'dominant' enough in organising our holidays together. I just laughed at that.

She wants to still have a "friendship' with me after a stormy six months of sex and drama. She wants the benefits and rewards of a relationship without paying for it with effort and involvement.

She still expects me to take her out and be in regular contact with her( I have not called her for three days - I'm getting stronger)

She rarely asks about my wellbeing but is endlessly talking about HER life and HER issues.

And her latest piece of self-serving Diva-ism  - She said last Sunday that her therapist and she agreed that she would probably need FOUR men to meet ALL of her needs. Apparently she regards herself as such a complex and extensive person that one mere man could never attend to her adequately!

Geez, gimme back my freedom and my sanity PLEASE !! I plan to suggest to her that if she wants a friend then she should buy a dog.
Ha!
Jack.