Author Topic: The Disease to Please  (Read 6413 times)

Certain Hope

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The Disease to Please
« on: August 10, 2006, 09:26:55 AM »
Hi,

Psychologist Harriet Braike refers to the compulsion to please others at any cost ~ the disease to please.

   It's wonderful to want to make others happy and to offer our help; sacrificial giving is one true evidence of genuine love. But I am really seeing clearly that the need to please others at all cost & at all times, to be everything to everyone, is an attitude of desperation. I have been a desperate people-pleaser. My own compulsion to make others happy was not based on some altruistic desire, but rather, I think, on a need to be needed. I can also see that in trying to be all things to all people, I may stand in the way of others learning to meet their own needs and unwittingly contribute to a very unhealthy codependency within my intimate relationships.

 Here's a short list of the symptoms of the Disease to Please:

Are you deeply affected by what others do or say or don’t do or say?
Do you change your behavior to make other people happy at your own expense?
Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict?
Are you afraid to be yourself and feel what you feel?
Do you have trouble saying no or feel guilty when you do?
Do you need to be in a relationship to feel complete, but often have painful love relationships?

  This is how the People Pleaser often appears to others:
 
Very organized
Easily liked
Placators or appeasers
Friendly, outgoing, gregarious
Helpful, supportive
Courteous and considerate of others
Always smiling
Interested in others' welfare
Cooperative; real "team players''
Generous with own time and energy
Ready to volunteer
Accept delegation easily
"Company men''; very loyal
Ready to take on any new challenge that comes along
Work hard at pleasing others
Talented, skillful, and creative
A pleasure to spend time with
Happy, joyful, full of fun
Encouraging and reassuring
Go along with requests made by others
People mixers
Assets in any conversation
"Together,'' warm, and caring persons
People sought out for friendship; popular socially

Sounds great. The problem is, it's all a facade, held together by fear, which is not a very reliable adhesive.

Here's what lies beneath the mask:

Fear of loss of approval
Fear of rejection
Fear of loss of personal identity
Fear of loss of personal worth
Denial of problems
Self-denial or ignoring of personal rights
Feeling lonely and isolated from others
Avoid conflicts or fights at any cost
Feeling not "good'' enough
Feeling undeserving
Feeling inferior to others
Concern about satisfying others' demands
Insecurity about personal abilities, skills, or knowledge
Compulsive need to please others
Unhappy over not pleasing others
Embarrassed by personal looks or behavior that displeases others
Confusion about why it takes so much energy to please others
Fear of not "doing best'' for others' sake
Fear of letting their friends and family down
Fear of failure
Fear of it being "found out'' they are not as good as they appear to others
Fear that others will recognize their failings
Desire to run away to avoid the stress of "always'' needing to be "good''
Exhaustion from always trying to be "perfect''
Disappointment in not being able to make everyone happy
Critical of how well they are doing in their personal lives
Feel unappreciated or taken advantage of
Feel taken for granted
Feel like they are being treated like victims
Feel like the martyr for others
Fear of making a decision lest it be the wrong one
Come unglued easily under pressure; unorganized

The negative consequences of this sort of people-pleasing behavior are pretty obvious, so I won't list them, but I found this list of some of the irrational beliefs behind my own behavior to be especially revealing. It's in correcting and rethinking this belief system, that I believe freedom from the compulsion to please is found.

Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits:

I must be liked by everyone.

I must do nothing to upset others.

I must work harder to make things better for others.

They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.

I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.

I can never do enough to please them.

I am responsible for other peoples' happiness.

How they respond to me is important.

The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.

If they don't like me, I'm no good!

Always put others first! Put yourself last.

There is no task I won't do for you, large or small.

People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful to them.

Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.

If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved, and unwanted.

It's not who you are but what you do that counts.

You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are hurting you or putting you down.

If someone doesn't accept me, it must be that I'm not "good enough'' to be accepted.

No matter what I do, it never seems to be "good enough.''

I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can't let others see this about me or they will reject me.

I think that many of these irrational beliefs are peculiar to females. The following excerpt makes alot of sense to me:

You might be suffering from a high-school hangover. Adolescent girls' taunting notes, dirty looks and exclusive cliques are all forms of "social aggression," the subject of several recent books, including Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, by Rachel Simmons (Harcourt Brace, 2002), and Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence, by Rosalind Wiseman (Crown, 2002). Unfortunately, some of these teen behaviors survive into adulthood, Wiseman says: "Girls in cliques worry constantly about pleasing each other and often refrain from speaking their minds. As adults, they end up aiming to please friends or partners to the point of resentment." To break the pattern, if someone asks, "Are you mad at me?" and you are, acknowledge it. Similarly, if you are mad at someone, be prepared to have a constructive conversation about it:

* Describe what you are upset about. Example: "I heard you are telling other people that you are mad at me, and this troubles me."


Besides the influence of typical adolescent behaviors which might linger long into adulthood, I can also see that highly sensitive people with a strong empathic sense of the emotional sense of others can be affected within their family systems from a very young age. Feeling responsible for every nuance of emotion within their FOO...

People Pleasers are often the unwitting contributors to family dysfunction, although they are far from being the only culprit in a dysfunctional family. People Pleasers tend to have Injustice Collector counterparts: the Injustice Collector in the family remembers every slight, real or imagined, and throws it back in the People Pleaser's face, while the People Pleaser scurries to set things right with the angry Injustice Collector. The cycle will repeat indefinitely, because the particular dysfunctions of the People Pleaser and the Injustice Collector are a perfect fit with one another: Injustice Collectors feel entitled and People Pleasers feel that everyone ELSE is entitled.

I think that when a people pleaser is teamed up with an injustice collector, it can be nearly impossible to break free from the old ruts, so one of the very first steps I'm taking toward full recovery from this dysfunctional personality pattern is to maintain a very firm boundary between myself and those who would toss their injustice collection my way, expecting me to clear it up. Part of the line of thought necessary to accomplish this might be ... instead of thinking, "what can I do to fix this for her?", shifting gears to "what can she change in her life that would ease her problem?"  Not that I'd even necessarily offer that advice, but just inwardly acknowledge that the issue is not mine to repair.

Does anyone have any other suggestions for treating the Disease to Please? Especially, I'm wondering... what if we have within ourselves a bit of each of the above mentioned types... people pleaser and injustice collector... talk about conflict !

Thanks for reading.

Hope








 



reallyME

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2006, 09:46:02 AM »


***Now, dimes to donuts, I will guarantee that the people who have a negative comment about my following self-disclosure, will be the ones who these things tend to apply to, because of having been programmed to be people-pleasers.  I am sorry if my candidness and sayin that I am NOT a people pleaser causes you to become angry, but I really am NOT one.

Laura



Hey CH!  I think you just got to the bottom of the reason why some people on this list feel threatened by me...I am NOT a people-pleaser...pretty much the opposite sometimes:

Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits:

Quote
I must be liked by everyone.


nope

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I must do nothing to upset others.


obviously I'm not real worried about that

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I must work harder to make things better for others.


I try to help other people, but not because I feel OBLIGATED to, because I care

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They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.


They don't like me either way a lot of times, so I may as well show them the real me

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I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.


Oh people are constantly upset by my decisions.

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I can never do enough to please them.


When the person can not be pleased, that often says more about them than me.

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I am responsible for other peoples' happiness.


no I'm not
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How they respond to me is important.


To an extent it is.

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The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.


They'd better appreciate me for who I am, not what I do

Quote
If they don't like me, I'm no good!


I am not who I am because of others' opinions.  I am who I am because of my own choices.
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Always put others first! Put yourself last.


The Bible says to esteem others as higher than myself, however, I do not believe it means this in an unhealthy way, so no, I sometimes "put my own oxygen mask on first, before I can save the person next to me"

Quote
There is no task I won't do for you, large or small.


Not true.  If I'm unable to do something, I will let ya know and I won't be doing it.

Quote
People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful to them.


Again, that says more about them than me.

Quote
Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.


No but giving and helping is a part of who I am...only a part.

Quote
If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved, and unwanted.


I have never been one to care about that much.  I'd rather be secure and help others to feel secure.

Quote
It's not who you are but what you do that counts.


Not by a longshot!  I am more than a robot

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You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are hurting you or putting you down.


NO WAY.  I'm in the midst of this very thing right now.  I am not open-minded at all about it.  I will not be anyone's scapegoat.

Quote
If someone doesn't accept me, it must be that I'm not "good enough'' to be accepted.


People's acceptance does not define me nor annihilate me

Quote
No matter what I do, it never seems to be "good enough.''


Again, about THEM not me

Quote
I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can't let others see this about me or they will reject me.


I am not worthless and I do a lot of things right.  Some people will reject me no matter what, and that is about them and their dysfunction, not about me.


Certain Hope

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2006, 10:04:30 AM »
Laura,

  There are some people I don't personally like and I don't think it's because I feel threatened by them. Personalities do grate against each other at times and when that happens, I don't think there's necessarily any need to do alot of deep exploration as to why... I just accept that we're different and keep a healthy distance. Now it's an entirely different matter if I feel like I can't even walk into the room because a certain person is present there. Then I think I need to dig into the reasons behind that and find a resolution. Doesn't mean I'll come out liking the person better or wanting to have a close relationship with them, but at least I won't get the cold chills just being near them. Anyhow, I think that we can learn alot from those people who don't like us, if we're willing to admit that we may have certain personal styles and mannerisms that are generally considered offensive by a wide audience. I mean, I would certainly avoid sitting near a person who repeatedly picked his nose and wiped it on the seat next to him. If I have some nose-picking-type behavior that others find offensive, I'd like to know about it and not just say, "well, that's me!".  In other words, I am willing to give up my right to pick my nose for the general welfare of society  :P

Love,
Hope

ANewSheriff

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2006, 10:09:58 AM »
Oh, CH, you are so not alone.  (A big hug for you!)  I have walked this path as well.  I have made great strides as I have gotten older and do feel that I after a terribly painful couple of years I have mostly given up this behavior and impulse.  As I have said before, I have officially turned in my rescue cape.  

Recovery from the disease to please required me to take a difficult look at what motivated the behavior. I had to admit that deep down I had a crippling belief that I was not worthy of attention, time, love, or even acknowledgment if I could not earn it.  Even then I believe that on some level I was undeserving.  I ferociously sought to assist and save because of this.

I journeyed back to where this all started.  It was so painful and I was so sad for the little girl I remembered being abandoned by her father and having to take care of a mentally unstable mother who seemed to resent the little girl's presence.  I have ran from this little being for many, many years.  Today, I just keep her close and tell her that she can rest because I will take care of her and keep her safe.  I believe she is at peace now.

ANS
Change the way you see the world and you will change the world.

reallyME

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2006, 10:12:47 AM »
CH, I like your nose-picking comment! That made me smile!

Certain Hope

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2006, 10:23:08 AM »
((((((((ANS))))))))  Returning the hugs and thank you.

I am so glad you've found that little girl and are tending to her, cherishing her now. I tend to look at the rationale behind the patterns I see in my own life and intellectualize things. For instance, I can see some of the traits at the root of this pleasing disease, like perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive behaviors, but it's very difficult for me to acknowledge that small child and allow her to feel. When she gets close to the surface, everything in me screams~  "don't allow her to speak or you'll never grow up;  you're supposed to be mature about this and think it through!"  In that way, I think maybe my mind functions more as a man than a woman.

  Of the few nightmares I've ever had, one of the worst (which repeated several times over a period of several years) was being stalked by a little girl about 8 years old. She was coming after me with a knife, raised in the air over my bed, and I knew she wanted to kill me. I don't know why or how I knew it, but that little girl was me. Maybe the fact that she hasn't returned in my dreams for years reflects more the level to which I've managed to silence her, not that her issues have been resolved. I do see that she needs to be at peace in order for true maturity to develop. Thanks for the thoughts, ANS... helps to sort this through.

With love,
Hope

P.S. to Laura... I'm glad you smiled  :)

ANewSheriff

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2006, 10:44:54 AM »
Wow, CH!!!

That is one heck of a powerfull dream.  I had a lot of trouble embracing that touchy, feely "little girl" thing for a long time - would get brought up and I just wouldn't go there.  But, when I really got honest about what was going on in my life I did come to see that for me there was a lot of truth in the idea that I was still tugging this little being around with me. 

Can I ask you?  What do you think the little girl in your dream wanted?  You say you know she wanted to kill you, but why?  I wonder what your subconscious was trying to tell you.  How interesting.

ANewSheriff
Change the way you see the world and you will change the world.

Certain Hope

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2006, 11:29:12 AM »
Dear ANS,

  I hadn't thought of this dream in ages, but the first time I remember having it was over 20 years ago, when I was a newlywed.
I think it returned 3 or 4 times over a span of 7 years or so, and then...no more. For some reason, I'm thinking it's just as important for me to see why it stopped, as it is to recognize the meaning of it. Now that I think about it, it seems to have stopped after I discovered that my husband at the time had been molesting my oldest daughter.

   I must have been really out of touch with myself at that time, because I only vaguely recall a sense that this little girl who was me in my dream, wanted the adult me out of the way. But now, when I think of it, I wonder whether she was just furious with the adult me for not being the perfect person she so wanted to grow up to be. Maybe she was silenced when the abuse in my own family was uncovered and I realized that my wonderful little life was all based on a lie. It all seems so strange and foreign now... I truly am not the same person at this point in my life, and yet it makes me wonder what else I've not yet uncovered. I get the impression that I've rationalized a whole lot of stuff away instead of dealing with it.

Hope

ANewSheriff

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2006, 11:58:42 AM »
CH: 
Quote
I get the impression that I've rationalized a whole lot of stuff away instead of dealing with it.


Anyone who works out or trains for any kind of endurance sport will advise a slow and steady pace or an individual risks injury.  Too much, too quickly never seems to be the answer.  I think it is the same with our emotional and spiritual lives.  We need to build up those muscles before we take on the tough stuff or we could end up broken for good.  Everything has its time.

ANS
Change the way you see the world and you will change the world.

Certain Hope

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Re: The Disease to Please
« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2006, 08:58:52 AM »
Dear ANS,

  You are absolutely right....  Everything has its time. Thank you for that. I am aware of my own intensity ... I can get downright obsessive with analyzing every aspect, although I know that often the deepest insights come when you least expect it. Kinda like working a jigsaw puzzle. You can stare at those pieces for ages and not find the ONE for which you're looking. Two aspects of this... #1 ~ maybe it's not really that crucial to find that particular piece next and #2 ~ just looking away for a bit and then looking back sometimes - poof - there it is, eyes automatically drawn to just the piece you needed. I took a break yesterday after reading your response here and it helped so much. Feels like the pressure is off now. Thank you again!

  Jac, I've sat at that table and you're right, I don't eat that way anymore. (((((((((Jac)))))))))  I am so thankful that you and I "get" each other. All anger and resentment dissipate for me once I realize that no one can trap me at that table ever again. I think you're right about my old nightmare, too. That little girl is definitely feeling safer these days. "She" had a conversation with my husband recently, in which she said that she doesn't feel protected when he leaves her all the dirty work to clean up. Long story, but it involved critter corpses left in the yard.. not that I'm ultra squeamish, but it seemed rather insensitive to me. Anyhow, my "child" spoke, and she cried, and she said, "I don't care if it sounds silly or not, it's how I feel". Oh yeah, times they are a'changin!  :)  Love you bunches, Jac.

Hope